Disclaimer: This is a rant. A MAJOR rant. Against my parents. I love my parents very much and this rant shouldn’t be taken as a sign that I don’t. I just needed to vent.
Sometimes, people who love you and whom you love back can and do drive you crazy. This is one of those times. My parents are driving me up the wall. Absolutley. And it isn’t even a major issue. It is mainly my self-esteem and peace of mind at stake here. Over trivial matters. I said Trivial matters, and that is probably why they don’t realize my feelings are hurt. I don’t want to say anything to them because I can’t bear to hurt their feelings in return. But keeping mum is hard. Coz I do need an outlet. And that outlet comes in the form of a few tears shed in private or a rant in front of J. Poor chap already has the task of mediating between me and his parents. He shouldn’t have to mediate between me and MY parents as well.
The issue is my health and my home. First my health. I have already mentioned that I have a LOT of weight to lose. I am aware of the risk that I face if I don’t. I don’t need the fact that I am FAT rubbed in my face every single day. I certainly don’t want to hear how I should exercise when I complain of my wrist that hurts very much. I do not want to hear how I should lose weight when I ask someone to move their chair so I can pass. I do not owe anyone an explanation of “why I let my weight climb so high in the first place”. I know they are worried about my weight because that increases my risk of getting diabetes. I am worried too. But worrying never got anyone anywhere. I should know. I used to be a chronic worrier.
It is easier to say I should exercise. I know I should. I try. But when it comes to choosing between pumping milk and exercising, I choose pumping. When I finally get a few moments of rest and quiet after a night of only 4 hours of sleep and a long day of running around, exercising is NOT the first thing on my mind. Believe me. It wouldn’t be on your mind either under similar circumstances. And if it is, you are a better person than I am. What else can I say?
My home isn’t in the best of shapes right now either. Again, pumping beats cleaning any day. And exhaustion. How I have been dealing with lack of lactation is another post in itself but suffice it to say that even though I am enjoying my baby very much, this hasn’t been an easy time for me. And at this time, I need support and understanding, not criticism about how I keep my house. I know it is messy and it grates on my nerves too. But right now my priority is to get as much of my milk in my baby as I can, for one full year. I am in month three and I don’t know how, or if, I will ever continue pumping till M is a year old. She is already down from alternate feedings of breastmilk and formula to just one feed of breastmilk in a day – rest of it is formula. However little it is, I want to keep trying as I know that little bit is also going to help build her immunity.
On top of all this, my mom has been sick with viral. So, I have been cooking (my dad needs his meals on time as he is a diabetic), taking care of baby (dad helps – a lot – but there are certain things he can’t do yet) and pumping. In all this, guess what was relegated to the backseat? Yes, pumping. And I can’t function well when I am worried sick about my milk supply further dwindling because of lack of pumping. All this, and I have a badly hurting wrist. So much so that I almost dropped M today. And my ankle, that I sprained a couple of weeks ago, is still swollen and now the whole foot is tender because I didn’t get a chance to rest it. I may take my injuries lightly, but that doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.
So yes, today I am very sad. Because the two people who should have been the first ones to understand my troubles fail to realize what I am going through. That I need kind words right now, and not subtle hints to “improve performance”. I may come off as lazy, but I have worked very hard for the last three years and took these three months to relax, not to keep working my butt off. Will someone please make them understand this????
Sometimes, people who love you and whom you love back can and do drive you crazy. This is one of those times. My parents are driving me up the wall. Absolutley. And it isn’t even a major issue. It is mainly my self-esteem and peace of mind at stake here. Over trivial matters. I said Trivial matters, and that is probably why they don’t realize my feelings are hurt. I don’t want to say anything to them because I can’t bear to hurt their feelings in return. But keeping mum is hard. Coz I do need an outlet. And that outlet comes in the form of a few tears shed in private or a rant in front of J. Poor chap already has the task of mediating between me and his parents. He shouldn’t have to mediate between me and MY parents as well.
The issue is my health and my home. First my health. I have already mentioned that I have a LOT of weight to lose. I am aware of the risk that I face if I don’t. I don’t need the fact that I am FAT rubbed in my face every single day. I certainly don’t want to hear how I should exercise when I complain of my wrist that hurts very much. I do not want to hear how I should lose weight when I ask someone to move their chair so I can pass. I do not owe anyone an explanation of “why I let my weight climb so high in the first place”. I know they are worried about my weight because that increases my risk of getting diabetes. I am worried too. But worrying never got anyone anywhere. I should know. I used to be a chronic worrier.
It is easier to say I should exercise. I know I should. I try. But when it comes to choosing between pumping milk and exercising, I choose pumping. When I finally get a few moments of rest and quiet after a night of only 4 hours of sleep and a long day of running around, exercising is NOT the first thing on my mind. Believe me. It wouldn’t be on your mind either under similar circumstances. And if it is, you are a better person than I am. What else can I say?
My home isn’t in the best of shapes right now either. Again, pumping beats cleaning any day. And exhaustion. How I have been dealing with lack of lactation is another post in itself but suffice it to say that even though I am enjoying my baby very much, this hasn’t been an easy time for me. And at this time, I need support and understanding, not criticism about how I keep my house. I know it is messy and it grates on my nerves too. But right now my priority is to get as much of my milk in my baby as I can, for one full year. I am in month three and I don’t know how, or if, I will ever continue pumping till M is a year old. She is already down from alternate feedings of breastmilk and formula to just one feed of breastmilk in a day – rest of it is formula. However little it is, I want to keep trying as I know that little bit is also going to help build her immunity.
On top of all this, my mom has been sick with viral. So, I have been cooking (my dad needs his meals on time as he is a diabetic), taking care of baby (dad helps – a lot – but there are certain things he can’t do yet) and pumping. In all this, guess what was relegated to the backseat? Yes, pumping. And I can’t function well when I am worried sick about my milk supply further dwindling because of lack of pumping. All this, and I have a badly hurting wrist. So much so that I almost dropped M today. And my ankle, that I sprained a couple of weeks ago, is still swollen and now the whole foot is tender because I didn’t get a chance to rest it. I may take my injuries lightly, but that doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.
So yes, today I am very sad. Because the two people who should have been the first ones to understand my troubles fail to realize what I am going through. That I need kind words right now, and not subtle hints to “improve performance”. I may come off as lazy, but I have worked very hard for the last three years and took these three months to relax, not to keep working my butt off. Will someone please make them understand this????
I have been a lurker here for a while, but I thought I should delurk to comment after reading your post.
ReplyDeleteMy parents are here with me now too (i have a 7 month old daughter) and they drive me up the wall, at times too. I have found my peace in doing my own thing and not let what they say affect me. It is hard and I agree they should be more supportive of my choices, but I am beginning to let go and with time, things have got a lot better. So hang in there and prioritise your tasks as you want them - pumping is hard enough as it is and somehow it is always relegated to a back seat, to finish off everything else around the house..Huggss, this is a phase and you will overcome it..
oh oh oh... CeeKay.... I am so so sorry... and yet, didnt we all know this would happen? we are so used to doing things our way and running our homes the way we weant that its hard to have the parents come and criticise the way we do things. hang in there. i know you love them and they know it too - so it wouldnt harm you to tell them not to criticise you. i lost it the last time i was pregnant and went home to deliver, the whole family kept asking me if i was carrying a baby in my arms and butt too since i had put on so much weight. finally i burst into tears ( i was 25... forgive me!) and they realised how hurtful it was. this time too my dad came here when i was pregnant and was most upset that i wasnt taking an interest in my house... my neat, tidy house! Why? because there were termites in a corner and some plants needed weeding. so i know what you mean. hang in there. will talk to you soon. hugs
ReplyDeletefor now, tell them to enjoy the babies, help out in the house if they can, and spare you further misery becaues they havent come all the way from india to upset you. its a little harsh, but they are parents and they will understand. or maybe i am just a very rude daughter!
I think you should just tell them that it hurts you when they say things like that, even though they mean well. I am sure they will understand.
ReplyDeleteCall me if you need to talk.
CeeKay, sympathies. My elderly parents live with me and are OK most of the time, but....if my husband is away for a few days I think they completely forget that I'm fifty one years old and do have a life that I'd life to live on my own terms! My Mom and I had a couple of screamaganzas (Mad Momma's word) which really shocked me and drained me emotionally, but which helped clear the air. Maybe you do need to tell them that at this stage all you need is support, not criticism. All the best with the pumping, too.
ReplyDeletejust wanted to say I understand completely...been there, done that with my folks...and I find myself creating very similar situations with my son- something which I had promised never to do- but which I now find unavoidable, inevitable. Of course the circumstances are different, still.
ReplyDeleteTake care..
hugs
Oh dear dear GTN....Listen to me...I know what you are talking about. I am referring to your weightloss goals, agonising over breastfeeing for one full year at least and those hurting wrists and swollen ankles. I know IT ALL. I am saying it with emphasis because it is the exact thing I went thru too and I soooooo feel for you right now.
ReplyDeleteOkay..most important thing first....those wrists and ankles need looking into. Its all due to the pregnancy of course. The relaxin hormone ends up playing havoc on those muscles and joints and if there is no proper rest (as I am sure in your case, there hasn't been!) and medical attention....it will get to be a chronic thing. I waited 3 whole months before I fianlly headed to the doctor for my tendonitis of the wrist and sprained ankle. She talked abt steriod injections etc etc, but I went to physical therapy instead. And it has helped sooooo much! So ice it for now, and take some ibuprofen for the swelling and get to a doctor pronto. Please ?
Okay...the weight loss thing. I am there in the same boat. And a little worse off than you. Will email u abt it, and we canbecome fitness buddies, okay?
Breastfeeding...*sigh*....we really beat ourseves up abt it don't we? With teh gymming and all the running arnd I do, I feel like I am not producing enough and end up crying some nights that I can't even sustain my baby. He's already on solids and that's seriously what helps him thrive.
Sometimes the people closest to us cannot see how much we are hurting...its such a cruel twist of a relationship. So...here we are...for you. Anytime, all the time. Pls. take care of yourself. More on email.
Ouch! Dealing with parents about weight issues! :) My hearty hugs, CeeKay. I can understand what you are going through. [I was a fat teenager+college goer and I've heard it all]
ReplyDeleteWhen my baby was newborn, before she could hold her head, she seemed so fragile and I thought she'd break when I put her onesie on her... esp. where you get the arms inside the sleeves.. well, she survived just fine. Babies are more stronger than we think.
I think, the same applies to our parents too. They will not be hurt that much... they are not fragile. :) heck! they survived our attitude-ish teenages, didnt they?
Sit down and have a talk with them. No anger, no tears, no emotional screams, nothing - just tell them you want to talk to them about something that is hurting you and talk it out. Polite but very firm. Tell them they are your pillars of strength and right now you need their support not criticism. And because their words mean a LOT to you, it hurts more than it may seem. Tell them you want the criticism on your body/exercise to stop... and how they can help you better.
Parents may think if they constantly nag us about something, we will do it.. but what they don't know is, it works otherwise. :) Tell them in words, how they can help you to take care of your health. They are pushing you because they don't seem to know what else to do.
Once they 'get' the point, they might stop. You know, it might be worth trying to talk to them and tell them what you feel. Do give it a try.
And if you need any help with lactation issues and increasing milk supply, please don't hesitate to mail me.
Dear Cee Kay, I hear you. I went thru' something similar soon after Ab was born. You're writing about it and it's a healthy way to vent, so do it all you can.
ReplyDeleteDon't let them get to you. That's what I told myself and that's all I have to offer to you. Just tune them out. Self preservation, that's all that matters :) Hugs.
Oh girl. Hang in there. Parents can be so appallingly insensitive and because we love them so much, it hurts so much more when they don't understand our need for support at this trying time. *Big hug* Just try to let it all slide off like water off a duck's back. Ignore as much as as you can and focus on what's important to you -- getting milk to your baby. And regarding the lactation issues, it's not going to be the end of the world if the baby is completely on formula. I know, I know breastmilk is wonderful. But your sanity is important too.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with everyone! I too want to say "I feel for you". been right in your shoes not too long ago... I am referring to breastfeeding issues and weight loss (with the risk of diabetis).
ReplyDeleteI too pumped for 6 months (full time) for my 2nd baby... only a woman who went thru this will understand what one goes thru! Hang in there. I hope you can really set a timer for pumping session. Otherwise, it won't help keeping the supply you have... let alone increase it.
Don't even think about weight loss at this time... give it another couple of months. Just eat healthy - which I am sure you must be.
I hope you feel better. I hope you can talk this out with your parents. I am sure they will understand you.
~AP
Dear Ceekay,
ReplyDeleteI hope by now you are feeling better. These things pass. You can be thankful that your parents are with you and its not in-laws and
you "HAVE TO" take care of your self first.
CK,
ReplyDeleteVery good advice. I think having a heart to heart with them will really help you get it off your chest.
They will see how much it hurts you. I don't think these are trivial matters at all..
My friend needed to lose a lot of weight (she was obese before she conceived) and she did it slow and steady in 3-4 years. Needless to say you will do it when you are ready.
I meant very good advice from commenters - MM, Dipali, Kay and Anurag and all who advocate talking to them..
ReplyDeleteBeen there....I am probably an anomaly being an American that lived with a parent as an adult. My mom nagged me about my weight forever until I told her "I know you only say this because you are worried for me, but it really is hurtful and makes me feel bad." She apologized immediately and said she wasn't trying to be hurtful, but it took me saying something to her.
ReplyDeleteYou have a newborn, another daughter, and a husband. Nobody expects your house to be perfect and shouldn't if they don't live in it full time or help you to clean it. If need be hire a maid service to come in once a week.
As far as the breast feeding thing goes. I had lactation problems as well combined with a Ms. Piggy who only lived to eat and eat and eat...My nurse midwife told me when I told her I was tired all the time and frustrated with the pumping and constant nursing "It's not supposed to be stressful. If you are so worried about breastfeeding you are not spending enough time enjoying your new baby and getting enough rest." It erased the guilt and it was soy formula forever after. Preventing illness in wee ones is more about keeping surroundings clean and minimizing contact with other sick children.
Hope the ankle and wrist are better soon.
ReplyDeleteI read some of your earlier posts about how you figured out a way to work despite conservative in-laws and such problems. So we all know, and most importantly, YOU know, that you are a brave, strong individual.
You are going nuts because too much is going on. Your parents, through little fault of theirs, are also presently adding to the problem by being sick/needing timely meals. You've obviously prioritised your daughter and your parents before your SELF. And frankly, neatness in the home is NOT your responsibility alone, nor should you be fussing about it at this crazy time.
I can't say this is or will be easy, but perhaps if you tell your parents in no uncertain terms that you have established an order of priorities in this difficult period and that you can only tackle these issues ONE by ONE, they will back off. You know yourself that you WILL do something about it. Just that that time is not NOW, because they can see first-hand how bogged down you are.
Hang in there! :) And keep blogging. Ít's exercise for your fingers :)
Ouch I can't add much to what everyone else has added. Tell them you feel this way Ceekay, they are your parents. They will understand ! And you get all the rest you want, you shouldn't even be doing ANYTHING these three months.
ReplyDeleteHugs Hugs Hugs !
I totally know what you're going through (right down to the diabetic dad who needs to be fed by a certain time).
ReplyDeleteI agree that you need to let your parents know that what they are saying is causing you stress in an already stressful period of your life. When I was stressed I was barely able to lactate what seemed like 3 drops of milk. My aunt used to make comments about my house and the state of things when I had my 2nd and I reminded her that she was able to raise one (1!) baby in India with the help of 2(!) maids and a driver that picked up veggies at the market everyday to cook.
It'll get better. I promise. (HUGS)
Oh you poor poor thing! Wish I could fly over and give you a bear hug!
ReplyDeleteC, you've just had a BABY. It's been an exhausting, draining process and it hasn't gotten any easier. Extraneous factors will always be around, what needs to be retained is perspective on what's important (pumping and health crucial, housecleaning less so!) and sanity. Maybe you can call friends for moral support? And yes, while weight loss is an issue (hell, don't I know...I need to lost 20 pounds and I'm nowhere near mommyhood, girl!) it will happen but certainly not while you're multitasking your existence away anyway! Have faith, you're doing a great job, realize that your parents are wonderful, they do want the best for you, but the generation chasm sometimes yawns so large you want to throw them down it!
Hugs and warm fuzzies...
A big hug to you Cee Kay. I can so identify with what you are going through - I, too, had gained a lot of weight, was drained, house was a mess, and was lactationally challenged. And even though my mom and I are very close, a few of her comments rankled. At the same time, I realised even though she understood all that I had been through - on some level, she wished for the daughter she knew best - the confident, efficient, healthy girl who could manage everything at ease. And somehow, couldn't come to terms with this tired, confused, and unsure first-time mom that I had become. They will understand - tell them gently that you want a bit of compassion - and they will be there for you with open arms. Lots of love and best wishes.
ReplyDeleteBig hug CeeKay. Been there. Been thru that.
ReplyDeleteMy 2 cents is - talk to your mom about it - tell her your fears(about the bf issue), your worries (weight) and how you need more than physical help - you need peace of mind. As a woman, as a mother - I'm sure she will understand.
And pumping.... what can I say - I've done that too - for months on end - just to make sure the kid gets nourishment.
But at the end of the day remember that - if you dont feel good and take care of yourself - you wont be able to care for your child.
See the miracle that you have produced and smile. Chin up girl - you've been thru so much - this too shall pass.
Lots of hugs. take care
Everyone: THANKS A LOT FOR THE CONCERN! I felt a lot better the next day itself and wanted to reply to all comments individually but I have been dealing with Mastisis and high fever (now subsided) since last 3 days. Still not out of it so I am pumping/nursing almost every two hours.
ReplyDeleteI know my parents love me very much and that everything they say is out of concern for me. But sometimes it sounds so judgmental! I do tell them (well, sometimes) what hurts me and such and they do pay attention (well, most of the time :D)
What brought on this rant was my mother's comment on how I am very disorganized and if only I put back everything as soon as I was done using it, my house would be neater. This hurt, specially because she had been sick with viral for the last 3 days and I had been overwhelmed with Baby, pumping, cooking and minor house keeping. Had she made that comment at some other time, I probably would have taken it in my stride but the wrong timing (coming at a moment when I was extra tired, extra cranky and coming down with a fever due to mastisis) brought on this rant.
Thanks again for the outpouring of support and concern. It meant a lot to me. Again, I would have replied individually to all comments but am pressed for time right now.
I think you are doing very well. It ll all ease out, dont your worry.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I have waited till The Bhablet is almost a year old to even think of exercise. My mum told me, and I find that she is right, when Baby starts crawling into things, you run around enough to lose a lot of the fat.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm younger and obviously, all that demand feeding did its bit, but I'm still 6 kgs heavier than before... my point is, I'm way fitter than I thought I'd be.