Cutting the ties that bind

Raksha bandhan came and went. I missed my brother and I am sure he did too because he called me to chat on that day. He even fought with me (kinda!) that I didn't send him his favorite laddoos that I send him on Rakhi every year. He was in Hyderabad on Rakhi and I thought I'd send the laddoos later when he gets back home. We are very close and love each other deeply (NO sibling rivalry here, whatsoever) and this post is NOT about him. This post is about my other "brothers", whom I have been sending rakhis diligenlty every year.

In addition to sending rakhi for my brother, I also (used to) send rakhis to three cousins and a college friend whom I considered a brother. I have always believed in starting only what I can continue so I limited myself in creating "Rakhi Band Bhais".

Now, my parents always taught me to never expect anything in return for my rakhis. Not even "Rakhi-bandhai" (the gift a brother gives to his sister when she ties a rakhi on his wrist). Specially never from my brother since he is younger than me. As an older sister I believe it is my privilege to give and his to receive. So this rant isn't about not receiving that either.

This rant is basically about lack of manners on my so-called brothers' behalf. I never missed even one Rakshabandhan. I always sent them rakhis and a packet of sweets or chocolates EVERY SINGLE YEAR. I even went a little bit further for one of these cousins (N). For some reasons I don't have the time or inclination to enumerate, my husband's parents didn't want to have anything to do with this cousin or his family. Even under those circumstances, I told my husband I will not let go of my relations with my brother. He had been a pillar of support during my stay with his parents' when I was doing my Master's. Beginning of digression: As I fleetingly mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I tolerated shitty behaviour from his parents for THREE LONG YEARS just so I could complete my Master's. Why I didn't move into a hostel is another story in itself, which I might write about some day. End of digression. So, for three years, I and J would leave the house on some pretext on the day of Rakshabandhan and go to this cousin's house so I could tie rakhi on his wrist. When we came to the US, I no longer needed to lie to maintain this relationship. I still sent him rakhis every year along with a packet of sweets. It has been 8 years. Never once did I receive an email or phone call from him telling me that he received those rakhis and sweets. This year I said "enough is enough" and didn't send him any. His wife must have mentioned this to his mom (my mother's elder sister) who asked Ma if I forgot to send him rakhi. I am waiting for this question to be asked directly so I can tell them the reason.

I stopped sending rakhis to another cousin of mine (lets call him A) who is also in India and who is about 11 years younger to me. Every time I sent him rakhis, his sister (lets call her N) would write me an email telling me that the rakhi and sweets had been received. I even asked her to stop writing these emails and let A inform me. But N never stopped and A never wrote. Then 3 years back, I happened to call them just after Rakshabandhan and while talking to A (who sounded bored) over the phone, I asked him if he received the rakhis to which his reply was "Oh that? Yes I did." When I asked him why he didn't inform me of the receipt, he said "But my mom just told you!". That infuriated me - I don't know I might have over-reacted but right then I decided I was not sending rakhis to any "brothers" who didn't appreciate them. So I stopped sending rakhis to A and to this day he has never bothered to ask me why I stopped.

I still kept sending rakhis to my other cousin about whom I wrote earlier in this post but this year, I decided I didn't want to keep dragging another relationship singlehandedly so I didn't send him any rakhi/sweets this year. I don't think he is going to miss it either. And that hurts me. I never expected anything in return from these brothers of mine except a phone call or an email telling me that they had received my rakhis. They didn't have the time or feelings to do even that much. It has been painful cutting these ties - but I guess only for me.

Only my third cousin (D) cares enough to call me every Rakshabandhan and talk to me. And, as I said earlier - my brother. And the third "cousin" is not even a cousin. He is my dad's best friend's son. I call him my cousin because the way he cares for me sure feels like he is.

As for my friend from college whom I used to consider my brother - same sad story. He NEVER acknowledged the receipt of my rakhi. Even when we were living in the same city. And HE was the one who brought a rakhi for me to tie on his wrist for the first time, I wouldn't even have started the tradition until I was sure we both wanted it. He even disappeared on one rakhi even though he knew I was waiting for him at his home. His wife, who is also a dear friend from college days, would make excuses for him. That is another thing that grates on my nerves. In all these cases, a woman - a wife, a sister, a mother - covered for these grown-up "boys". No one ever thought about making them realize that it was their duty to atleast let me know they had received the rakhis. That irritates me no end. My cousins, A and N, were "precious boys" among a long line of girls (so was my brother for that matter, but he turned out differently because of our parents) and therefore were very spoiled. Matter for another post.

So now I am going to declare it openly - if you want my rakhis, you better be prepared to acknowledge the receipt. That is the least you can do. You should do.

Note: This year, since my mom is here, we sent rakhis on her behalf to my "mama" (her brother) and another cousin of hers. BOTH of them called to tell her that they had received the rakhi and mithai. My mom has been luckier than me where brothers are concerned. Hers care for her. :(