1. Ran away
2. Not agreed
3. Not said yes
4. Fought more
1.
I would have ran away and lived in a hostel instead of sucking it up at my uncle and aunt's. It wasn't only mental and emotional torture I went through at their hands. They successfully stopped my career from even taking off by stopping me from following promising opportunities that came my way. I can't blame them though - they only did what I allowed them to do.
2.
I wouldn't have agreed to J's "suggestions" of not getting a job anywhere away from my parents' home because he thought that would help us convince his parents to let us get married. His parents would have agreed no matter what because if he really did want to marry me, he would have stuck to his guns (which he did, BTW). I can't blame him because I did not put my foot down or think it through before agreeing.
3.
I would not have said "yes" to J's dad's condition that I won't work after getting married if I wanted to marry his son. As I said, if J wanted to marry me, he would have stuck to his guns and his parents would have had to agree anyway. I can't blame J's dad because I accepted the condition wholeheartedly.
4.
I would have fought more with J to go back to study when things were simpler for us and we HAD the money to spare, however little. He thought other things were more important for us or that I should ask my company to pay for the courses I wanted to take. I couldn't make my company do it and then the time for it was gone. Now we don't have the time OR the money. I can't blame J for it though. I knew how important it was for me, J didn't. I should have fought more.
I am struggling heavily with all these demons from my past. Demons of MY bad decisions. Like I told J last night - it is MY life and I am responsible for my decisions. ALL my life I thought of others. Thought of how it would affect my parents if I ran away. Thought of how I should stand by J in trying to convince his parents. I should have had the sense to realize that if it took this much sacrifice from me to convince them, the decision WILL come back to haunt me some day. Why am I writing this down? So, one day, when (or IF) my daughters are ever in a similar situation where they need to make a life altering decision, they'd read this and think a bit more before deciding anything. I hope they grow up to have more sense and awareness than I did.
C,
ReplyDeleteAs girls/women of India, there is this unsaid and understood agreement that one has to put oneself after everyone who is:
a) Older than us
and/or
b) Male
and/or
c) Younger than us
Which leaves us free to fight with women our age! :)
I'm glad you're doing your part to free your daughters from this cycle.
Hugs, Cee. Who knows how things work out in the alternate universe?
ReplyDeleteBroom is so right. I only put myself after people who are ready to do the same for me. Otherwise, no deal.
Don't do this. We make the decisions that we think are right in the moment. Hindsight is rarely kind to our choices...
ReplyDeleteyou know that i already think you're amazing right? this is a great post.
ReplyDeleteWe all do what we think is best at that point in time ! Hindsight always makes us feel bad ! Choosing an alternate path at each point may not (please note: MAY NOT) have had the desired results! Try not to beat up yrself to much !
ReplyDeleteHaving said all this I do get your point of sticking to our own guns, but one needs to think, at what price.
CK, I wholeheartedly agree with you and support these few lines you've typed up.
ReplyDeleteBut, and this is a very big but, I also agree with Rohini and Lavanya too.
So what does that make me?
A confused Bald person.
At his wits end.
Lol @ Broom!
ReplyDeleteWoW! I think you must have done one hell of soul searching to have distilled this into this succinct post.
ReplyDeleteSometimes menfolk do their bit (much like the great Bishma did) by keeping quiet when such unfair things happen in front of them.
Good post ma'am. Tip my hat!
Do I wear one?.. mm... mm..
I agree cee kay. I have a whole list of my demons from the past that I live with everyday.
ReplyDeletethe decisions I made in the past were SOOO wrong.
there should be a rewind button
Glad this is not a tag...my list would be very long n bitter :(
ReplyDeleteHugs and I'm sure our daughters will not put themselves last...not on my watch anyway :)
This is a thought provoking post,CK.I too have my demons from the past which I wish I could confront.But I have come to realize that everything happened to teach me something.It is best to learn a lesson from the past and not repeat the same mistake in the present.
ReplyDeleteCeekay, Have you seen the movie "Its a wonderful life"(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It's_a_Wonderful_Life)? I am sure you have. Every year when I see it during christmas time (because the tv stations force it on you during that time)I am reminded to look back on all my decisions with lot of peace and no regrets(even though I may have some I force myself to think peacefully and let it go) so that I can go in the coming year with lots of peace in my soul and with confidence. Or else I will be always in the past thinking "what if".
ReplyDeleteWe are spiritual beings on our human journey and There are no accidents in life...Everything has been planned and according to his wishes...
These thoughts have always kept me sane ..try it.
Vinita
As the kahavat goes, akal aur umar ki bhet kabhi nahin hoti hain. Being doing some introspection myself over the past few days, and am also kicking myself over few decisions I took in life without thinking them through...
ReplyDeleteSorry again, everyone. I thought I had replied to comments on this post but turns out, I hadn't. Didn't mean to ignore the comments.
ReplyDeleteBroom: LOL! But at the same time I am sad because what you say is SO true!
Boo: True. Maybe in the alternate universe I got the job but not the guy and hence not the girls. I am much better off here, right?!
Ro: I wrote this post under the influence of a self-pity mode. It is called BUI (Blogging Under the Influence) :D BIG mistake! Am over it now, though. Thanks a bunch though - your comment did pull me out of the funk.
Monsie: Awww!! Thanks babe.
Lavanya: Thanks! Yes, I am over that now. But I still think I should have learnt to stick to my guns sooner. I want to make sure my girls learn it - but how??
ReplyDeleteBald Guy: LOL!! You are a BIG help :P
Life: Yes I did. I have found that the length of my posts is inversely proportional to the level of "mad" I am feeling at the moment :D I think I did more damage to my career than the menfolk in my life - just by keeping quiet and giving in.
NC: Hugs. Hope one day you find peace regarding the decisions you have taken. I have. Well, kinda sorta. There are moments like this when I go back to the angsty mode full throttle :P
Starry Eyes: Yep - I am going to make sure my daughters don't make the same mistakes I made. They will be, however, free to make their own mistakes. After all we have all this money saved for their therapy - we do need to use it!! :D
ReplyDeleteVaishali: "But I have come to realize that everything happened to teach me something." Well said!! And so true.
Vinita: Thanks. I haven't watched the movie. Must watch it this Christmas season.
Karmickids: LOL!! I had never heard this kahavat. But so appropriate. And hugs. But you and I - we will MAKE our lives turn out the way we want them. Yes?