But you said...

“But you said…”

“Yes, I know. But things have changed”

“But you promised!”

“I know darling! But, you know, things are different now”

“All I know is that you PROMISED!”

“Listen, I… See. I can’t, anymore…”

“I thought you’d keep your word”

“I always do. It’s just…”

“No you don’t! You aren’t keeping it NOW!”

“You HAVE to understand. Please understand”

“I understand. But still, you promised. Wasn’t it you who taught me to 

Say what I mean and mean what I say?”

“Yes, and now I want you to

Do as I say and not as I do!”

Hop over!

My latest post at Women's Web is up.

An excerpt:

I am 40. It took me this many years to learn to stand up for myself.  And even now, I am not fully there yet. I still, sometimes, need to remind myself to think of “me” instead of the other person. My first reaction is still to blame myself if I get in a conflict with someone. I am still too timid to speak up about what I want or things that bother me. And when I catch myself doing that, I wonder why it is so? Why is it easy for men to say “Well, he/she is an a-hole” when they get in a conflict while women say “I must have done or said something to elicit that response from him/her”?

What is it that makes us this way? Our upbringing? Maybe. Our inherent nature? I doubt that. Social conditioning? YES! I cannot remember the number of times I have been told by one particular female relative that, being a woman, it is my supreme duty to a) tolerate everything, b) put others first, c) keep my mouth shut. You subject a woman to years of that sermon, along with taking her independence away by forbidding her from working, making her financially dependent and telling her all the time that she is good only because you are good to her (which implies no matter what she does, her efforts can never be exceptional or applaud-worthy) and what do you get? A broken woman who think she is good for nothing. A woman who takes years to realize that she got the jobs that she got (when she finally went out to work) because she was wanted for her skills and not because the employers were out to do charity.

Kids and Social Networking (Cross posted at Stage of Life website)

Note: This has been cross-posted at Stage of Life.

My "protective mother" instinct rears its head as soon as I hear about a preteen being on Facebook. I can't stop myself from expressing my opinions on the topic, knowing fully well that I am NOT the keeper of other people's kids. Their house, their rules. But it grates on me to see how some parents are either unaware of the potential harm of letting their child go unsupervised on the Internet or are too confident that their child is somehow capable of skirting all danger and is, unlike other kids his/her age, is super responsible.

My main concern is two-fold. One, the kids are clearly underage according to FaceBook's written policy on minimum age for members (13 years). This means they will have to lie about their age to open a Facebook account. Which, in turn, means the parents are either encouraging the lying or ignoring it. Both options don't seem too good to me. Where will they stop then? How will they explain to their kids that some lying is okay but otherwise one should never lie?

Two, one can control what they put on their Facebook wall, but they cannot control what others will put on theirs. This increases the risk of a child coming across age-inappropriate material. I once followed a link to a page on violence against women. Some images there shook me and left me unsettled for days. I am 40. How can I expect my 12 year old daughter or 9 year old niece to not be affected by such images?

Granted I cannot protect my kids from every single harm out there but I can at least try! Maybe I am being too conservative but I feel given the form Facebook is taking (one can create pages and groups for anything), there is a high chance that a child will be exposed to inappropriate material.

In addition to all this, how can we guarantee that all the people our kids "friend" on Facebook are actually kids their age or responsible adults? How do we guarantee that one of them is not a pedophile masquerading as a 14 year old cool boy? We have heard enough stories about kids who made online friends and then fell into harm's way when a "friend" lured them someplace and turned out not to be who the kids expected them to be.

I am a big proponent of not suffocating kids with our caution and rules. I strongly believe that parental control must be relaxed gradually as our children grow older. I believe doing so teaches our kids to be responsible and alert for their own safety. But I am also a staunch believer of age-appropriateness of things and I don't think FaceBook, or any other social networking site, that lets adults and kids mingle anonymously (if they so choose) is a good idea for very young kids. Most times, these kids spend unsupervised time on FaceBook/internet.

What do you think? Am I being over-protective or too conservative? What age did you allow your kids to open a Facebook account? Or what age will you allow it at? What age did your kids get their first email IDs. What measures did you take to let them have some freedom but to keep an eye on things at the same time?

Most importantly, how much privacy do you think young kids are entitled to? Facebook and other social networking sites aren't the only danger our kids face online. It is, in fact, a matter of their "online habits" (if you will, for lack of a better term) in general that we need to be more aware of. What safe internet-browsing practices do you have your kids follow? How much control do you exercise on their online activity and how and when will you relax that control?

The day mommy was left speechless

M: Mommy, why do we have fingers?

Me: To grab things, to tickle someone.

M: Why do we have hands?

Me: To garb things, to grab mommies and daddies and big sisters.

M: Why do we have arms?

Me: To hug mommies, daddies and sisters.

M: And brothers?
Me: Yes. And grandparents and friends.

M: And BOYS!

Me: ................................

CSAAM April 2011 - empowering the children

It is pretty surprising that despite having undergone several sexual harassment/ molestation incidents throughout my childhood and young adulthood I have ended up being fairly scar-free of those emotional traumas. I don't know how or why. I definitely had my parents’ unspoken support and that gave me strength. And I read books and articles on the matter like crazy – they made me realize that it was not my fault. But it was brutal going through all that starting from a very young age of (perhaps) 3 and a half or four years. My first memory of such an incident is not visual. It is more related to sounds and touches. The molester was a teenage girl (or probably in her early 20s).

From then on, I was fair game like every other girl in India is, to these beasts. I have lost count of the number of times I was harassed on the streets, molested by people I (or my parents) trusted AND the number of years I believed that all this happened to me because I was promiscuous. I do, still, remember the shame I felt, the fear and the frustration that gripped me and the rage that shook me every time something like this happened. What’s worse was that I had NO ONE to talk to, about all this. The few times I did have to ask for other people's help, I was chastised for having brought it upon myself (never by my parents though).

One incident that stands out in my mind is from when I was 9 or 10, in 5th grade. A family friend's son had moved in with us because his family had to move to some other town and he was waiting for a room to become available in his college's hostel. One day he called me to his room to show me something. I don't remember what it was but while I was looking at it, he placed me in his lap and started grinding himself into me. I ran away from there at the first opportunity I could find. All this happened while my mom was in the next room. I told her what happened and within a few days he was gone. This unspoken support gave me strength but I feel it would have helped me greatly if my mom had talked to me about it, explained how it was not my fault. So, even though my parents showed their support for me by their actions, I grew up believing that every such thing that happened to me happened only because I somehow brought it on myself.

These molesters can be anywhere. I remember how a close friend of my dad, would squeeze my breasts every time he came over (which was often). I was probably 9 at that time. He was bold enough to do it unobtrusively, right in the presence of my parents! I am sure he got that confidence from the fact that the Indian society does not believe in talking about these things openly. So he was confident that the shame and guilt will keep me quiet. It did. I was fortunate that this, and almost all other incidents, didn’t escalate into more serious sexual abuse. Maybe my parents noticed it and avoided situations that could result in a terrible situation but it would definitely have helped if they had also talked to me about it - would have saved me from years of angst and guilt.

These experiences taught me never to trust anyone and never to ask for help. To this day, even though I have overcome the shame, the fear and the frustration, I still cannot bring myself to trust anyone fully. And it still isn't easy for me to ask for help. Small price to pay for being scar-free, I think.

Thankfully, it hasn't made me a paranoid parent. Yes, I worry about my girls' safety, and I am not naive about the dangers lurking out there. But I refuse to let that fear make me restrict them to the point of suffocation. S goes on sleepovers and stays overnight at our friends' places. I am slowly encouraging her to step out on her own and find her footing. I'll be there if she needs help but I will NOT lead the way. I believe she will gain tremendous confidence from finding her own way with me and J by her side, like I did with my parents' help.

These experiences have taught me the importance of keeping an open communication channel with my daughters. I keep the conversation going about how to recognize the signs of sexual harassment, how one should trust their gut instinct in such matters and how it is NOT THE VICTIM'S FAULT. Not even if the victim were dressed in inappropriate clothing.

This last one originated from a comment my older daughter, S, made when I broached this subject right before she left for an overnight field trip. As I explained to her how she should trust her gut instincts and tackle such situations, and how it is NEVER the girl's fault if she is harassed or molested, she turned to me and said "unless she is wearing really inappropriate clothing, right?" I was gobsmacked!! I have NEVER expressed this opinion. I don't subscribe to it. I don't know where or whom she picked it from. But I am glad she mentioned it because then I got a chance to correct her.

I explained to her that even if a girl is dressed highly inappropriately, even if she is running around naked, it is NOT right for anyone to molest her. It would be just like taking, say, a purse from Macy's display just because no one is looking and the purse is very pretty and within easy reach. The law won't excuse you for that. Similarly how can it be okay for someone to harass a woman just because she is within easy reach or an easy target? That is the problem with this entire situation - we (as a society) tend to blame the woman for "inviting it upon herself" instead of blaming the man for not being able to control his animal urges. Isn't that what being an adult (and a civilized being) all about? Controlling urges that could harm others? Why not expect the men to control themselves? Why do we let men off so easily?

I hope S understood what I was trying to say. I hope these conversations help her in some way because I can only imagine how they could have helped me get over the guilt I felt almost my entire childhood. And I hope I can keep these communication channels open to help make my daughters strong enough to deal with such situations.

I know I cannot protect my daughters forever. But I can empower them to handle all kinds of situations. I can remind them, again and again, that they can come to me and their dad if they need help or support. And I will educate them on the matter so they go out in the big, bad world with their eyes and ears open.

We all need to talk about CSA more. Not talking about it openly sends a message to our kids that it is something shameful if you are a victim of it. We need to place the shame where it belongs – on the abuser. We need to create an environment in our homes that will encourage our kids to come talk to us instead of wallowing in shame or hurt. Almost always, abusers get away with their deeds just because the victims stay quiet out of shame or confusion. If we remove the barrier to the victims’ free speech, it will take away the cloak of security from the abuser. THAT is what will empower the children.

Midlife crisis

I have been feeling a disconnect from everything I cherish in my life. I feel I just go through motions to get through the day, week, month. Have been feeling this way for some time now. Is this midlife crisis? If it is, then it is going to be a long one - because I don't think I am middle aged yet.

This is not fair though. Men get to have affairs and buy motorcycles and women get hot flashes and begin brooding over life's bigger questions? 

CSAAM April 2011 - A great initiative

Child Sexual Abuse is usually swept under the carpet as something too dirty to talk about. The result? Many, many people (myself included) who go through their childhood believing whatever happened to them was their fault. 

A group of bloggers started an initiative to spread awareness about Child Sexual Abuse during the month of April. What happens, how it happens, what can be done to help the victims and to empower the children so they are never victims - everything and anything that can help spread awareness is being covered under this initiative. Do check out their website. Follow them on Twitter or "Like" them on Facebook. Contribute, participate. Spread awareness. 

Grief MUST be followed by joy

Just when I was trying to get over my pain, my friend Dottie, who is more like a sister, was working hard at bringing my much awaited nephew into this world :)

Chip #2, Dot's Bun, Bund(o)t (since Dot loves to bake) is here. Welcome little one! You have brought much joy to a bunch of women who were on pins and needles while you were making you way to this world. We love you, we send our blessings to you and we hope to meet you some day while you are still a squishy little bundle smelling of baby powder and milk (at least I do!).

You came on the day when I was wallowing deep in self-pity, grieving my dad and trying my best to shake off the blues. Your dad, my "best fraand", (Hey BigGeek!!) called me to give me the news and, suddenly, everything started falling right back in place.

I didn't realize it then, but you are my harbinger of spring.

WELCOME LITTLE ONE!!

Is there an app for that?

You ever been in a situation where grief just piled up inside you and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't find the release button? Where the frustration is so bad you want to cry, and a good cry is exactly what you need, but the tears just won't come?

I'm there.

Ma's birthday is coming up and such occasions just make me miss Pa with an intensity that won't fit any scales. I become a confused jumble of thoughts and emotions. That's where I am. Been trying hard to get away from it. I generally have a hard time crying. And I have a hard time crying in front of others. That has been the main problem so far - I can't find a quiet place to sit with my thoughts and have a good cry. Where does one go for that? Is there an app for that? Let me know.

New post on Women's Web

Note: All is well with the link. It was my office computer's browser that was acting up. *sheepish grin*

I grew up hearing the phrase "aajkal ke bachchey..." (kids these days...). Our parents said it whenever we did something that they were not allowed to do when they were our age. They couldn't talk back to their elders - they got whacked if they did. They didn't talk so much. They listened to their parents. And so on...

I hear the same refrain now, about the new generation - our kids. The "new generation" is fast, they are arrogant, more mature/obnoxious etc. Each generation of parents thinks their kids' generation is getting off easier in discipline matters than they ever did. And I cringe at the phrase "kids today..." I mean - really? Is it only the kids of today's generation? How did they learn all the things, behaviors and attitudes that we moan about, if not from us directly or indirectly? We either teach them these behaviors orpermit them to behave this way. I once wrote "Kids might not always behave the way their parents want them to, but they will ALWAYS behave the way they are allowed to." I still maintain that this is absolutely true.

Read the complete post here

I am not that mother!

Just posted an article on Women's Web. Do check it out. Excerpt below.

I have been watching the furore that Amy Chua's article created in the last month or so. And been trying to decide where I stand on the issue. I see Amy's point in pushing the children for their own good but her own admission of how (much) she pushed her kids left me bewildered. But immediately after reading her article, I read a couple more articles on the topic and one of them mentioned that this article of Amy's is just an excerpt from her book, "The battle hymn of a tiger mother" and that WSJ presented it in the entirely wrong light. I understand it was a tactic on WSJ's behalf, to publicize the book.

What amazed me is our reaction to this article. Many people criticized Amy (understandable), wrote posts about their own parenting style (again, understandable), compared her parenting to their own, establishing the superiority of their own methods (I have to accept - I had the urge too). I am amazed at the insecurity this article has brought out in all of us. Am I as bad a parent as Amy Chua? Are my kids as suppressed as hers? I could almost hear everyone asking themselves these questions. I could remember at least one "Amy-ish" incident which still makes me cringe whenever I think about what kind of a parent I used to be.


 Read more here.

Check it out!

I have started contributing posts to Women's Web as a guest blogger. I won't be copying those posts here, just their links. Do check out my first post there.

I have also started contributing at Stage of Life as a featured blogger. So far I have only reposted one of my old posts there but I am working on a new one too. Check the site out - it has some great resources!

The year 2010

I feel a deep change in me this year. I am more at peace, more content, a lot more easy going than I was earlier. I don't know what brought this change. Maybe age (though I doubt it) - I did turn 40 this year. Or the online group of friends I have been hanging out with. They are a varied bunch and they have brought much laughter, sanity and clarity in my life and attitude. Maybe it was my daughters - I have learnt a lot from them. From S I learned perseverance and determination. From M I learnt to stay firm and not to be ashamed of having a mind of my own. Maybe it was J - he teaches me, by example, what devotion and responsibility is.

Whatever it is, it has made me a much happier person. J and I fight less, laugh more and get along better. I think I have become more tolerant. This year also, grudgingly, eased my pain of losing my father a bit. I still miss him but I cry for him less and laugh at his fond memories more. This year I have made a little bit more effort to reach out to my mom and brother and my friends as well.

All in all, this year has seen more ups than downs. I liked this year. It also helps that this year was a multiple of 10 which made my OCD self feel a little better :) 2011 better follow suit and turn out even better. But then, it will be what I make of it, right? So here is hoping that I make the best of 2011. And you do too. Happy New Year!!

It's the same everywhere

There was a girl, S. And a boy N. N wanted S but she didn't reciprocate the feelings. N started harassing S. He'd taunt her when she passed him by on the streets, show off his strength in various ways and even threatened S bodily harm if she didn't accept his proposal. S complained to her friends. One of her friends, U, openly declared his support for S and declared anyone who wished harm to S would have to deal with him first. S even started learning a martial art in the hopes that it would help her defend herself. A few other people just stayed quiet and watched the drama unfold.

Upon seeing this, N created a big ruckus about how S was threatening him and asked S to stop taking martial arts lessons. N's friends C and R declared that they supported him in everything he did. C asked U not to meddle in the matter and R pleaded with S to stop exerting her independence to maintain peace and let N be.

What do you guys think? Does this sound like a probable scene? Would you believe it if someone told you this story? Curse N and his buddies maybe?

Now, if I told you S is South Korea, N is North Korea, R is Russia, C is China and U is USA, what would your thoughts be? The "martial arts" that S is learning and which is bothering N so much is actually South Korea's nuclear program.

I was listening to a radio program and the way the hostess narrated the current situation between the two countries immediately brought this scenario to my mind. And those of you who grew up in India, or still live in India, will have to agree that this is not a far fetched scenario. The only thing that is far fetched in this story is that S even thought of learning a martial art. I mean hilarious, right?! We Indian girls grew up believing that any form of retaliation towards those thugs will only get us in more trouble. We were taught that. If ever we complained about the harassment, this was the first lesson taught to us - don't say anything or he will harass you more. Change the way you dress - maybe your clothes are provocative. Lower your volume - why attract attention? It will only get you in trouble.

God! Even thinking about this makes me see red! In a country of billions and a land of 33 crore gods and goddesses, no one saw the idiocy in this stance? Nobody ever asked "why blame the victim here?". More than half the country's population was suppressed by the other (less than) half and they tolerated it?

I know a lot of incidents of the girls' bravery at personal level. Even I have bashed up quite a few boys in my time. But speaking from an overall point of view, we come across as a society of cowards and hypocrites!

Coming back to the "story" - it seems that it is the same everywhere. The powerful want to take away the weak's right to even defend themselves.

The "A" word

Aparna asks, in her post "3 Adjustment Stories", "To what point does one adjust? Should everyone in a new relationship learn to adjust rather than it being expected mostly from one person? How does one decide if it is worth it? And what should be non-negotiable?"

 

The "A" word, “adjustment” is not new for most Indian women. Anything that involves putting up with other people’s whims, fancies, traditions, opinions etc. is covered by the umbrella of “adjustment”.

You get into an argument with your brother over who will read the newspaper first – you need to adjust (and let him, and every other male member of the family read the newspaper before you). You are the last one left to eat dinner (because, of course, the men eat first) and there isn’t much food left. Or maybe your favorite dish is all gone. You need to adjust. Don’t grumble. It is only food! You get engaged - you need to learn to adjust. You get married – you need to adjust with your new family. Your in-laws or husband abuse you – you need to adjust. You must definitely be pissing them off in some way and inviting all those troubles on yourself. You must be answering back or disobeying their rules. You question senseless rituals – education has gone to your head. You haven’t been taught to adjust. Girls shouldn’t be allowed to study too much – they don’t adjust after that. You didn’t grow up in a joint family – you surely wouldn’t know how to adjust. You are younger – you must adjust.

I am as good as a boy/man. I won’t adjust. I have an MBA/B.E/ from a prestigious institution – I won’t adjust. I don’t believe in the boy/girl crap – I believe men and women are equal. I won’t adjust. I spent all my life studying and got this degree. I won’t adjust. I have a good job that brings in mega bucks – I won’t adjust. I am a feminist – I won’t adjust. Why should I be the only one to adjust?

I am sure each one of us can identify with at least one statement in the last two paragraphs, if not more. Truth be told, these are both extremes. The first paragraph speaks of the atrocities girls/women in an Indian society are made to tolerate in name of adjustment. Is that really adjustment? I believe it lies more in the realms of meek submission that is expected of them just because they happen to be females. The second paragraph portrays the picture of a rebellious, strong and independent woman.  But does it really? To me it says this person is shortsighted, selfish, arrogant and immature.

Adjustment is not all that bad. And it isn’t all that good either – depending on the circumstances and the intentions behind the expectation for adjustment. It is another noteworthy fact that all these expectations of adjustment are associated with women in our society. Similarly all the declarations of “I won’t adjust” will be frowned upon by many. The irony is that the same declarations will be meekly accepted if they were to come from a man. In fact, they would be offered on his behalf before he even opens his mouth. Therein lays the crux of the whole matter. Adjustment, on its own, is not a bad word or concept. Tying its expectation with just one gender in the society is. Patriarchy, which is formed on the foundation of all such concepts, is.

Adjustment, in any relationship, is the order of the day. No relationship can survive without it. But when that adjustment comes from one party only, the relationship cannot survive. Or if it does (because one partner is “adjusting”), it will definitely won’t be as fulfilling, as warm and as smooth as it can be. There will be tiny cracks and fractures in the relationship that may not be visible to the naked eye but will be felt by the people living that relationship. When the adjustment in a relationship comes at the cost of one partner’s happiness or contentment, that relationship is doomed. To each of us, there always will be (and should be), a few things that we will never compromise on. We should know where to draw the line in an adjustment game. A healthy relationship will honor those limits. E.g. I know I will adjust with anything in a relationship as long as it doesn’t challenge my core being, as long as I am not expected to let go of the opinions and values that define me. 

The adjustment one makes unwillingly when one is expected or required to do it is not a true adjustment. It is an imposition. It will result in resentment or unhappiness. On the other hand, absence of adjustment also spells disaster for a relationship. No two people can think and feel exactly the same way about everything. There will come a time in their relationship when they will disagree. The success of their relationship will depend on how well they handle disagreements, not on how well they agree with each other on other matters.  

To me, adjustment is not a four-letter word. I have adjusted plenty in my life. Sometimes out of compulsion but most times out of my own free will. So has my husband. We both recognize and appreciate the adjustments we have made to make our relationship stronger. Our relationship IS stronger because, instead of counting who made how many adjustments, we just adjusted when needed. He needed to study further to better his career prospects so he did - even though I wanted to study first to better my chances at landing a job. So I adjusted my dreams (not without protests though) for a short while. Now I am at a point where I can realize my own dreams with his full support. I can’t take much time off from work so he adjusts his work schedule to take care of childcare emergencies. It goes both ways in so many situations. Like the Hindi proverb says “Kabhi naav gadi par to kabhi gadi naav par” [Loosely translated it means “sometimes the boat is on the car and sometimes the car is on the boat”]. That’s adjustment.

Note: I wrote this post as an entry for the contest at Women's Web, 'The Great Adjustment Story'.

 

A decision that I regret to this day

This is difficult to write about, but I think I must - for my own peace of mind. I need to get this load off my mind.

When my father passed away quite unexpectedly a little over two years ago, and I rushed to be by my mother 's side, a little thought loomed large in my mind. I wanted to be as much a part of my father's final rites as my brother would be. I wanted to go to the "shmashan", and not stay at home, like women are supposed to. I wanted to do what girls in our society are not allowed to, normally. I wanted to do at least that much for my dad. I knew I would face comments and resistance from outsiders but I was determined not to pay attention to them. I was determined I will be a part of my father's last rites.

People would have stopped me - but I don't care about them anyway. Their words wouldn't have mattered. My brother didn't mind. His wife, whom I came to love with all my heart during those days, encouraged me and promised me she would defend my right to do so if I wanted to do it. I don't know how my mother would have reacted, because I never asked her. I have a suspicion that my father might have frowned upon it because he was like that - he worried about "society" sometimes. Other family members might have tried to dissuade me from going, but they didn't matter. The only ones who mattered were my brother, his wife and my mother.

When the time came for the funeral procession to proceed, I copped out.

First I said I wanted to be by my mother's side for support. I really did mean it. My brother's wife said she would stay with my mom so I can go. Then I said I didn't want to go because I wouldn't be able to stand seeing my dad going up in flames. Somewhere in my heart, I also dreaded the confrontation that would ensue with all assorted friends and family telling me not to go. They were already trying to dictate what I should or shouldn't do. I was told not to touch anything in the kitchen because I "didn't belong to this family anymore". I was told not to touch the diya that would be lighted in front of my dad's picture in the evening. My sister-in-law stood fast by me and stubbornly had me do everything that I was told not to do. Her point? "No one can ever say that you are not a part of this family. You are as much a part of this family now as you were before you got married". It was then that I truly fell in love with that girl. But that is another post.

Where was I? Ah! Confrontation. Don't get me wrong - I didn't mind the confrontation. I just didn't want to create any more grief for my mother. I was afraid the confrontation would hurt her if she thought I was disrespecting my dad's wishes. My brother and his wife respected my wishes and didn't force me one way or another after that. These days I often wonder if I stayed back because I had a valid reason or because was a chicken. I can't decide. One regret that I do have is that I could have gone with my brother and been a support for him, and I lost that chance. He'd had a knee surgery just days before and could hardly walk, leave alone climb any stairs, which I believe he had to do that day. Our cousins went with him so he wasn't alone. But I still wonder if it would have made any difference for him if I had gone. 

I still regret that decision. It wasn't an earth shattering decision but every time I think about how I have defied the societal norms in many matters, I remember this one occasion when I bowed to them. But I am still confused over whether I should have gone or not. I didn't want to go just to make a point. I am beyond that stage in life where I would want to do something just because society doesn't approve or because I want to show people that women can do whatever they set their minds to. I know I can do whatever I set my mind to and that is enough for me - I don't need to demonstrate that to others.

I made the choice to not go because I had the choice. My brother didn't have a choice. THAT is what bothers me the most. I copped out because I had a choice but I should have sucked it up and been there for my brother who had no choice but to go through the heart wrenching moments on his own. I am sorry for that.

The Generation F

F, for Forgotten. I belong to it. I know a lot of other friends who do, too. A cousin recently lamented over the same thing - being forgotten. You automatically get included in this generation as soon as you move out of the country, away from all friends and family.

My membership to this exclusive club began in September '99. At first I didn't realize what was going on. Dollar-to-Rupee conversion and vice-versa convinced me that the high rates for phone calls were the reason no one called. Then the rates began dropping. Now, it is a comfortable single digit number per minute. Easily affordable. Still no calls. Most times only email invitations for weddings make their way to us. Sometimes only the information of a wedding trickles back to us. We do get loads of calls on birthdays and anniversaries from loving family members. Sometimes friends too. And for those, we are thankful. Festivals, for some reason, are altogether different.

We try to call all friends and family members on festivals. That can take over a week as there are loads of calls to be made but only so many hours during which to make them, due to the time difference. And during those times, sometimes, a poignant realization hits me - we are the only ones making these calls!! It has been extra tough since my dad passed away. Festivals are now a reminder of the days when we used to get a call/email/ecard from him. I try to call my mom and brother the night before (morning of, their time) and on the morning of (evening of that day, their time) - because I know they must be missing him too. And I like to believe that my calls provide them some comfort. But come evening (my time) on the day of, I am left alone to celebrate the occasion and to miss him. It hurts the most on those times. But I am getting used to it. I know I will eventually get to a point where I will be able to give without expecting to receive. That is called growing up, isn't it?

Put your listening ears on, mommy!

Just yesterday M came up to me and said - VERY quietly - "Mommy, I am not lellin at you, I am speaking nicely. I want you to speak nicely to me too. Don't lell at me, okay??"

!!!!!!!!!!! 

(I wasn't even "lelling"!! *whine*)

Note: "lelling"=yelling.

The hurt stays

The pain dulls

Eyes dry up

Your smile comes back,

and the dreams get easier

on your heart too.

You laugh again

and enjoy the festive times.

You forget the what-if's

and even forgive destiny

for taking him away so suddenly,

without giving you a chance to say goodbye.

 You remember him fondly

and recall the funny things he said or did.

You tell your daughters stories

of you and him.

You remember his gentle touch,

rough hands

and the  warm, soft hug,

even the sweet, serene voice.

You take contentment

from the fact that he didn't suffer.

You look at the survivors he left behind -

They seem to be doing fine.

The world is still the same.

People still go to work, children to school

They still eat, laugh, love and have fun.

They still throw parties,

go to the beach, fruit picking and

the movies.

But you have changed.

You might not be sad anymore, the tears have dried up

and the laughter returned.

But the hurt stayed,

and changed you forever.

Somebody please save the Indian Male Child

... from becoming a weak, inefficient, non-productive member of the family. From becoming the man who cannot serve himself his food, or wash his clothes or even cook for himself. For his mother definitely won't!

Us Indian mothers have a propensity to mollycoddle our children. So much so that we sometimes feed our 30 year old sons by hand. I have seen plenty of example of sons being pampered by their mothers and aunts. I have firsthand experience too. Once I had a fight with one of my aunts because she suggested that the girls of the family get up earlier (than usual) and do their chores. No such thing was mentioned about the boys so when I asked her what the boys were supposed to do, my aunt said "Why would they do anything?" (my mom and her sisters had gathered at their brother's house during summer break. Us cousins had a great time - we were 5 or 6 girls and 2 boys). Boy! There was a BIG blowout between me and my aunt :P

Recently, we were at a dinner with friends where the kids ranged, in age, from 3 years (M - the youngest) to 11.5 years (S - the oldest). I served food for M and told S to serve herself. Another friend turned to her 10 year old son and said "Let me feed your brother and then I will serve food for you". I was flabbergasted! A 10 year old cannot serve himself some food when it is all laid out on the table?? The same boy once, while standing right next to the refrigerator, told her mom to keep his drink in the fridge, left the drink on the counter-top and walked away. The mom didn't even bat an eyelid! It didn't even occur to her to say "You are standing right next to the fridge - why don't you just open the door and pop it in?" He would have, if she had just said that. He is, otherwise, a quite helpful lad. He notices if someone needs help carrying stuff and offers to help all the time.

The thing is (I think) his mother doesn't think he should be helping out in the kitchen or it probably doesn't occur to her that he can serve himself food or make himself useful in the kitchen. After all, didn't we all grow up witnessing our brothers being handed their food, milk and water in their hands, not being asked to help around the kitchen AT ALL and not being expected to do anything around the house? It was the girls who were expected to help around the house. Boys just had to loll around and help only when big boxes needed to be carried. Fortunately, I was spared that kind of upbringing. In our family both my brother and I helped out as and when needed. So he could be found serving tea to the guests while I would be lugging their suitcases in.

Another friend feeds her 10 year old by hand if he fusses over the food. My mind boggles. And why is it that I see these moms doing these things only for their sons? The second friend I mentioned also has a 12 year old daughter. The daughter has been taught to serve herself and eat on her own. My sister in-law worries that she might never be able to take a full time job because then who will take care of her kids? Kids who are 9 and 15 years old! They should be able to serve and heat their own food. Or pour themselves milk. Or peel a banana. They shouldn't need a grandmother or a babysitter to hand them a glass of milk. My older daughter was pouring milk and making toasts for herself at 5. I would have taught the same things to a son. M, at 3.5 years of age, helps her sister set up the table, cleans up her toys, wipes up any spilled milk or water (which is a daily occurrence these days) and helps unload the dishwasher if allowed to do so. She would have been doing all this even if she were a "he".

One could say that it isn't really necessary to teach boys/kids to do chores around the house in India, since there are maids to do everything and it isn't really fair to have them do what we don't. It does seem to be a sound argument until we realize that one day these kids will start out on their own and then they might not have maids to do the work for them. At that time they will be better prepared with the training.

Why do these moms cripple their kids so? Don't they realize that they are doing their kids a BIG disservice by not allowing them to become independent individuals? I do feel a little reassured when I hear about a cousin's 7 year old son who rinses the dishes in the sink and loads the dishwasher. Or when I see the said cousin, my husband J, my own brother and a few other men in our friend circle pitching in equally to take care of the children or their houses and kitchens. I saw my father cook, clean, wash and do everything else that my mother did or could do. These men learned. Many do so once they are out of their parents' homes and not the recipients of their mothers' mollycoddling. Mostly, it becomes a matter of "do or die" so they "do". So will the boys of the younger generation. Their mothers can give them a headstart by teaching them now.