... from becoming a weak, inefficient, non-productive member of the family. From becoming the man who cannot serve himself his food, or wash his clothes or even cook for himself. For his mother definitely won't!
Us Indian mothers have a propensity to mollycoddle our children. So much so that we sometimes feed our 30 year old sons by hand. I have seen plenty of example of sons being pampered by their mothers and aunts. I have firsthand experience too. Once I had a fight with one of my aunts because she suggested that the girls of the family get up earlier (than usual) and do their chores. No such thing was mentioned about the boys so when I asked her what the boys were supposed to do, my aunt said "Why would they do anything?" (my mom and her sisters had gathered at their brother's house during summer break. Us cousins had a great time - we were 5 or 6 girls and 2 boys). Boy! There was a BIG blowout between me and my aunt :P
Recently, we were at a dinner with friends where the kids ranged, in age, from 3 years (M - the youngest) to 11.5 years (S - the oldest). I served food for M and told S to serve herself. Another friend turned to her 10 year old son and said "Let me feed your brother and then I will serve food for you". I was flabbergasted! A 10 year old cannot serve himself some food when it is all laid out on the table?? The same boy once, while standing right next to the refrigerator, told her mom to keep his drink in the fridge, left the drink on the counter-top and walked away. The mom didn't even bat an eyelid! It didn't even occur to her to say "You are standing right next to the fridge - why don't you just open the door and pop it in?" He would have, if she had just said that. He is, otherwise, a quite helpful lad. He notices if someone needs help carrying stuff and offers to help all the time.
The thing is (I think) his mother doesn't think he should be helping out in the kitchen or it probably doesn't occur to her that he can serve himself food or make himself useful in the kitchen. After all, didn't we all grow up witnessing our brothers being handed their food, milk and water in their hands, not being asked to help around the kitchen AT ALL and not being expected to do anything around the house? It was the girls who were expected to help around the house. Boys just had to loll around and help only when big boxes needed to be carried. Fortunately, I was spared that kind of upbringing. In our family both my brother and I helped out as and when needed. So he could be found serving tea to the guests while I would be lugging their suitcases in.
Another friend feeds her 10 year old by hand if he fusses over the food. My mind boggles. And why is it that I see these moms doing these things only for their sons? The second friend I mentioned also has a 12 year old daughter. The daughter has been taught to serve herself and eat on her own. My sister in-law worries that she might never be able to take a full time job because then who will take care of her kids? Kids who are 9 and 15 years old! They should be able to serve and heat their own food. Or pour themselves milk. Or peel a banana. They shouldn't need a grandmother or a babysitter to hand them a glass of milk. My older daughter was pouring milk and making toasts for herself at 5. I would have taught the same things to a son. M, at 3.5 years of age, helps her sister set up the table, cleans up her toys, wipes up any spilled milk or water (which is a daily occurrence these days) and helps unload the dishwasher if allowed to do so. She would have been doing all this even if she were a "he".
One could say that it isn't really necessary to teach boys/kids to do chores around the house in India, since there are maids to do everything and it isn't really fair to have them do what we don't. It does seem to be a sound argument until we realize that one day these kids will start out on their own and then they might not have maids to do the work for them. At that time they will be better prepared with the training.
Why do these moms cripple their kids so? Don't they realize that they are doing their kids a BIG disservice by not allowing them to become independent individuals? I do feel a little reassured when I hear about a cousin's 7 year old son who rinses the dishes in the sink and loads the dishwasher. Or when I see the said cousin, my husband J, my own brother and a few other men in our friend circle pitching in equally to take care of the children or their houses and kitchens. I saw my father cook, clean, wash and do everything else that my mother did or could do. These men learned. Many do so once they are out of their parents' homes and not the recipients of their mothers' mollycoddling. Mostly, it becomes a matter of "do or die" so they "do". So will the boys of the younger generation. Their mothers can give them a headstart by teaching them now.
Totally agree with you. I wonder why we do this harm to our kids by raising them to be dependent. It sometimes happens when the mother does not pamper but the rest do. I feel very frustrated sometimes.
ReplyDeleteCee kay, I have had fights in the family for insisting that boys work too. I still stick by that.
ReplyDeleteThe hired help I have, I just ask them if their kids are studying and encourage them to do so in general. And the other day, I realized that in my kids generation everybody goes to school and is getting an education, so when my kids grow up, there are going to be no maids around. Which means I should make sure (doubly) that they are in a position to do their own work.
Oh I totally agree. These moms are doing disservice to their sons, making them useless. Sons need to be taught to fend for themselves too
ReplyDeleteIts funny to hear some mommies take pride in the fact that their child can not even light the stove, at the grand old age of 20, girl or boy!
ReplyDeleteOh...the "girls have to do the dirty work" attitude is truly annoying. Maybe our education system needs to accommodate parents (counselling) wherein they're educated about what lies in store for their kids 20 years down the line and how parents can help in the process :)
ReplyDeleteVery well said.... It is amazing how subtle differences in their childhood goes a long way.
ReplyDeleteMy husband always shares this story: At 10 he used to make tea for his mother and kid sister. :-)
Needless to say, he is a very big help around the house.. and a big supporter of.. I do what you do and vice versa.
I have an Indian husband who expected to be served chai in bed in the mornings... because his elder sisters did it for him. He required extensive training to even pick up his dirty dishes and take them to the sink. Amazingly, he could however cut up vegetables (so he had at least been of some help to his mother)... although he didn't know how to cook them! He's doing well now though, and I'd consider him saved! He can even cook a few simple meals. ;-)
ReplyDelete(sheepishly) is it ok to spoil both the kids, boy and girl equally? I serve them both their meal but get both to do the chores I expect out of them. No differential treatment here. Just do certain things for them in spite of knowing they are old enough to do those chores on their own :)
ReplyDeleteMy point. I think its the fault of the mothers/Women why Indian system works the way it does. I have met men, who don't mind doing the work when girls are not around, but don't do it when they are around. I was so humiliated when I was treated that way. When that certain man told me that's the Indian culture, I told him, if this is the culture, I don't want me or my kids to be part of it.
ReplyDelete*claps*
ReplyDeleteHaving just spent more time than usual with my in-laws...I agree this is more common in spite of all the progress we claim to have made. The pandering to males, the subjugation of women, and the dependence training of children...all supposedly Indian tradition. Bah!
People still gasp when my son, no matter where, insists on taking his dirty plate to the sink. And look askance when I sit and chat with them, while SH makes tea.
Whatever...I want all four of us to be as independent as possible. Having had to leave my kids earlier this month made me glad I hadn't pampered either of them, and they managed so great.
hey , nice blog , like it ,
ReplyDeletewon't be nice if i u can clickover to my blog page too ,
& post some suggestion
Sumana: Oh I remember my efforts to make S independent being negated by the grandparents!! Most frustrating!
ReplyDeleteAA Mom: Too true! What will they do when they go out in the world on their own and are unable to find/afford maids? And I say = even if one CAN afford maids, what's wrong with being independent?!
ReplyDeletePhoenixRitu: True!! As I used to rant to my brother - even animals can gather their own food then why can't the pampered boys serve themselves??
ReplyDeleteVidya: I know what you mean!! I have heard the proud declaration "Oh I never learnt any housework because I went to college" from a few female friends. Housework being related to illiterate women - that is another grouse I have!
ReplyDeleteRGB: I sure wish people were required to take parenting classes before they had any children. Have seen a fair share of people who desperately needed those classes!
ReplyDeleteGarima: Good for you! Have you come across women who proudly proclaim they taught their sons to help around the house? As soon as the said son gets married, these same women want their son to stop helping around the house. MIL being a prime example :D
ReplyDeleteSharell: Yay!! for us - saving one Indian man at a time :D:D
ReplyDeleteSands: Hey, I didn't say (or mean) that we have to run a military boot camp! Of course pampering is allowed na? I do it myself! My point was that the kids should know how to do these things. That we do it for them just to pamper them is beside the point. My mom wouldn't let me get up for any chores while I'd be studying at my desk. But I sure knew how to do those chores.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: I'd have loved it if you could leave your name. I agree with you to a certain point. See, I don't think it is only the Indian women/mothers who are to blame. I have seen plenty of men who take umbrage at the suggestion that they do some house work. Or that their sons be taught some. It is the CULTURE, in my opinion, that is to be blamed.
ReplyDeleteStarry: I so get what you mean!! I hated it when the neighboring aunties would ask my mom if they should send us food when Mom went for her summer trainings. My dad was perfectly capable of feeding us and taking care of us. And same pinch! J makes tea too, when we have guests (and otherwise too). In fact he used to make tea for my parents as soon as he'd come back from office! They enjoyed being pampered by him like this.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with you. My son is very does many things in the kitchen. He is only 5 years old. Morning he gets up before me opens the door gets the milk. he kneads chapati dough. When i make chapatis he fries them. To the people who are surprised to see him doing things i tell them he is my right hand :-)
ReplyDeletehonestly, if i didn't want to pamper my child, i'd not have one. ladies, grow up! don't make such a fuss about the housework. there's much more to life.
ReplyDeleteSneha: Wow! Your 5 yr old does all that?! Amazing!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: Pampering is one thing - all of us do that for our kids. But not teaching them any responsibilities or skills that would help them live on their own, or be a contributing member in the family once they get married is totally another.
When we say we teach our kids to help around the house, it doesn't mean we are not pampering them or are running a military boot camp. I guess you might have some growing up to do as well, if you think pampering equals not teaching children to carry responsibilities or to be independent. BTW, how about leaving us a name at least? We deserve to know it if we are going to get a lecture on growing up :)
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteIf you think we had kids to make them work for us then you are wrong. We do pamper our kids. But when they want to do some work, we don't stop them in the name of pampering and we don't force them to do any work.
I grew up in a home where my father was willing to do any kind of job required, including cleaning toilets, cutting veggies and cooking. All of us were expected to chip in when required- I have very fond memories of all the family taking part in the making of pickles, large quantities of gajar ka halwah and Diwali sweets.
ReplyDeleteThere are ways of pampering which do not come in the way of self-sufficiency!
This must be a culture thing because it would absolutely not be acceptable in the mid-western part of the US. Treating children unequally borders on child abuse here...
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad to see that so many folks are breaking the cultural gender rules after all this time. Hooray for gender equality!
Dipali: Exactly!! Pampering is not mutually exclusive with teaching self-sufficiency. I have similar fond memories - Ma and Pa making the Diwali sweets together, Pa making rice and rotis before leaving for work, Pa giving us all a verbal dressing down for not helping Ma around the house :P
ReplyDeleteMiss Ash: Definitely a culture thing (that is why I specifically mentioned the "Indian male child" :D). If I am not mistaken, there are some other cultures that have similar ways. Very unfortunate. But the good thing is that some of us are changing these things. It does get disheartening, sometimes, to see many parents of our generation partaking in such discrimination though. That is what they grew up with and never paused to think it through before doing the same to their own children.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post. I do see many (supposedly modern) people still not letting their boys do any housework - including simple things like putting their clothes away or taking dirty dishes to the sink, forget potentially 'hazardous' one like lighting the gas! Part of it is because of this feeling that maids are around to do it anyway. But, I do think every human being should be able to handle certain basics. I bet these kids will suffer for e.g. if they go abroad to study and find no maids waiting, or when they become parents themselves and realize that not every task can be outsourced to a maid.
ReplyDeleteFantastic post!
ReplyDeleteCould not agree more! Indian boys are brought up as if they are delicate darlings and helping around the house will scar them for life. The parents don't seem to realize that they are actually crippling them for life, by making them dependent on somebody else for every single thing. The worst part is when girls are expected to help out everywhere while the boys can lord it out.
Then how come so many Indian students are surviving around the world and have been doing very well. They do not bring their mom or dad or spouses. I don't think this kind of things create dependency. But yes this kind of thing does develop a great bond. Service is an amazing thing it binds people. Lets look at at it this way.
ReplyDeleteapu: We have one such friend - the son learns Karate, Vedic math and leaves his plates and bowls around for others to pick up. The girl picks those plates and bowls up, paints her nail and straightens her hair. Which is not bad. Whats bad is that she isn't engouraged to learn a martial art or Vedic math. She is intelligent and is doing great at school, touchwood. When I asked the dad why he doesn't teach her Vedic math along with his son, his reply was "Oh she likes all girly things like painting her nails etc. This just isn't her cup of tea". WHO told the girl that math is not her cup of tea? The parents obviously, with their subliminal messages! This kind of discrimination enrages me!
ReplyDeleteSmitha:Exactly!! In our closest friend circle only this friend has a boy and a girl and their behavior is so glaring in its discrimination. All others either have two boys or two girls. My girls are encouraged and allowed to do all girly and non-girly things and the other friends' sons are being taught to chip in at home equally. What intrigues me is that the friend I mentioned (with a son and a daughter) himself chips in equally around the house but the son still hasn't been taught that!
ReplyDeleteHamish: The many Indian student who are surviving around the world and have been doing very well must have had a huge learning curve if they weren't taught all this at their homes, I am sure. My own husband needed cooking lessons from me before he moved to the US 4 months ahead of me. My brother, who had learnt to cook on his own, had less trouble adjusting on his first trip to the US. Eventually everyone manages, but some have to make a huge adjustment in mentality and outlook. We, as parents, have a responsibility to prepare them for that change. And "service"?? Parents are not meant to provide "service"! Their main responsibility is to teach their kids to be useful, independent and productive adults when the time comes. The biggest responsibility there is! LOVE binds people. Service just creates dependents who grow up to be useless dependents! Pampering is fine and even recommended, but service? NO!
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with you - both sexes need to be treated equally in every way, from chores to opportunities. And another thing drives me nuts, what's happening in India is that most people don't get their kids of either sex to do any chores around the house, because they have the luxury of household help. The new maharaja/ maharanis!
ReplyDeletethe other thing that bugs me- my MIl treating my husband like a helpless child. I slave away in the kitchen when they're over to make stuff they like and that's ok. But let A so much as offer to make tea, his mom will spring into action to say she'll make it or start saying she doesn't want any. Thankfully A just tells her to chill and goes ahead with the tea-making anyway!
ReplyDelete