The "A" word

Aparna asks, in her post "3 Adjustment Stories", "To what point does one adjust? Should everyone in a new relationship learn to adjust rather than it being expected mostly from one person? How does one decide if it is worth it? And what should be non-negotiable?"

 

The "A" word, “adjustment” is not new for most Indian women. Anything that involves putting up with other people’s whims, fancies, traditions, opinions etc. is covered by the umbrella of “adjustment”.

You get into an argument with your brother over who will read the newspaper first – you need to adjust (and let him, and every other male member of the family read the newspaper before you). You are the last one left to eat dinner (because, of course, the men eat first) and there isn’t much food left. Or maybe your favorite dish is all gone. You need to adjust. Don’t grumble. It is only food! You get engaged - you need to learn to adjust. You get married – you need to adjust with your new family. Your in-laws or husband abuse you – you need to adjust. You must definitely be pissing them off in some way and inviting all those troubles on yourself. You must be answering back or disobeying their rules. You question senseless rituals – education has gone to your head. You haven’t been taught to adjust. Girls shouldn’t be allowed to study too much – they don’t adjust after that. You didn’t grow up in a joint family – you surely wouldn’t know how to adjust. You are younger – you must adjust.

I am as good as a boy/man. I won’t adjust. I have an MBA/B.E/ from a prestigious institution – I won’t adjust. I don’t believe in the boy/girl crap – I believe men and women are equal. I won’t adjust. I spent all my life studying and got this degree. I won’t adjust. I have a good job that brings in mega bucks – I won’t adjust. I am a feminist – I won’t adjust. Why should I be the only one to adjust?

I am sure each one of us can identify with at least one statement in the last two paragraphs, if not more. Truth be told, these are both extremes. The first paragraph speaks of the atrocities girls/women in an Indian society are made to tolerate in name of adjustment. Is that really adjustment? I believe it lies more in the realms of meek submission that is expected of them just because they happen to be females. The second paragraph portrays the picture of a rebellious, strong and independent woman.  But does it really? To me it says this person is shortsighted, selfish, arrogant and immature.

Adjustment is not all that bad. And it isn’t all that good either – depending on the circumstances and the intentions behind the expectation for adjustment. It is another noteworthy fact that all these expectations of adjustment are associated with women in our society. Similarly all the declarations of “I won’t adjust” will be frowned upon by many. The irony is that the same declarations will be meekly accepted if they were to come from a man. In fact, they would be offered on his behalf before he even opens his mouth. Therein lays the crux of the whole matter. Adjustment, on its own, is not a bad word or concept. Tying its expectation with just one gender in the society is. Patriarchy, which is formed on the foundation of all such concepts, is.

Adjustment, in any relationship, is the order of the day. No relationship can survive without it. But when that adjustment comes from one party only, the relationship cannot survive. Or if it does (because one partner is “adjusting”), it will definitely won’t be as fulfilling, as warm and as smooth as it can be. There will be tiny cracks and fractures in the relationship that may not be visible to the naked eye but will be felt by the people living that relationship. When the adjustment in a relationship comes at the cost of one partner’s happiness or contentment, that relationship is doomed. To each of us, there always will be (and should be), a few things that we will never compromise on. We should know where to draw the line in an adjustment game. A healthy relationship will honor those limits. E.g. I know I will adjust with anything in a relationship as long as it doesn’t challenge my core being, as long as I am not expected to let go of the opinions and values that define me. 

The adjustment one makes unwillingly when one is expected or required to do it is not a true adjustment. It is an imposition. It will result in resentment or unhappiness. On the other hand, absence of adjustment also spells disaster for a relationship. No two people can think and feel exactly the same way about everything. There will come a time in their relationship when they will disagree. The success of their relationship will depend on how well they handle disagreements, not on how well they agree with each other on other matters.  

To me, adjustment is not a four-letter word. I have adjusted plenty in my life. Sometimes out of compulsion but most times out of my own free will. So has my husband. We both recognize and appreciate the adjustments we have made to make our relationship stronger. Our relationship IS stronger because, instead of counting who made how many adjustments, we just adjusted when needed. He needed to study further to better his career prospects so he did - even though I wanted to study first to better my chances at landing a job. So I adjusted my dreams (not without protests though) for a short while. Now I am at a point where I can realize my own dreams with his full support. I can’t take much time off from work so he adjusts his work schedule to take care of childcare emergencies. It goes both ways in so many situations. Like the Hindi proverb says “Kabhi naav gadi par to kabhi gadi naav par” [Loosely translated it means “sometimes the boat is on the car and sometimes the car is on the boat”]. That’s adjustment.

Note: I wrote this post as an entry for the contest at Women's Web, 'The Great Adjustment Story'.