Sibling revelry

When I was pregnant, S was very worried about the effect a new baby was going to have on her status in the family. She worried that we will get so busy with the baby that we won't pay any attention to her. She is a kid who internalizes all her worries so I am gald she spoke about them this time. I tried to answer all her fears but I also knew no matter how many times I answer her questions, she will only accept my answers once she sees me practising them when the baby arrives. I told her as much.

Her biggest fear was that the baby will be very mischievous and will blame her (S) for every mischief and as a result S will get punished by us. For that I told her two things. One - parents have a special sensor for when their kids are lying. So, if the baby tries this, he or she won't get away with it because we will immediately sense (s)he was lying. And that we would like to hear both sides of the story (Baby's and S') before deciding who was at fault (I don't believe in telling the older child to suck it up just because the younger one is small. Young or old, everyone faces the consequences of their actions in Kay household) Two - Haven't we taught S enough not to blame others for her mistakes and to take responsibility for her actions? (And she does that, believe me) What makes her think that we won't teach the younger one same things? She seemed to understand the answers.

Second thing she was worried about was the Baby becoming an instant favorite for us. To this I replied "Parents are not allowed to play favorites with their kids. It is a parent's duty to love all their children equally". This seemed a little hard to digest for her because, unfortunately, she has seen some parents play favorites. After hours and days of trying to convince her, I decided she was going to have to wait to see me practise it. I really do believe this. I know many parents don't. A friend categorically told me it is impossible for parents to love all kids equally. I think it might be hard to love all your kids equally for whatever reasons, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't. I have experienced, first hand, the hurt of favoritsm played by parents (IL's for J and his brother - matter for another post that shall remain unwritten) and I promised myself long ago that I won't put my kids throught that. Ever.

And we went over these two concerns of hers over and over and over. All through the remaining months of my pregnancy (we told her when I completed first trimester). Then I thought I saw a little bit of sibling rivalry building up. S would comment "Don't get this for the baby" if we bought her something small like a book. One day she said since the baby will be an American citizen (which S is not), we shouldn't apply for Indian citizenship for her because she (S) wanted that to be her special "thing". This completely infuriated me even though I knew it was just an 8 year old expressing her concerns in the only way she knew how. So I told S "You have to make up your mind right now and tell me if you even want this baby, otherwise I am going to give her up for adoption. I don't want her to come into a family where she isn't wanted. If she is going to have to face this every day of her life, she is better off growing up where she is wanted and loved". Harsh, I know. But surprisingly that did the trick. That made S realize that this type of behavior will not be tolerated and hopefully handling sibling rivalry will now be a little bit easier since she knows I will not take this nonsense at all. (Keeping my fingers crossed).

Then Baby M arrived. And all our fears, AND S' dissipated. We knew that she loved the baby very much and she saw that her position in the family was still the same - that of a much loved child. Baby M was loved too, but our love for her didn't affect our love for S in any way (of course!). So, my guess about things going back to normal after the baby's arrival was correct. S loves her to bits and is a BIG helper.

For now, it seems like we are just going to sail through all the sibling rivalry issues. But I know once M starts talking and crawling, she will start getting into S' stuff and then new issues might arise. I have already spoke a little about it with her telling her that she has to keep her stuff out of M's reach because we wouldn't be able to say "no" to her for every single thing she grabs. And that all small toys that M can easily put in her mouth have to be out of her reach otherwise they will be thrown out promptly. I know I am the parent from hell :P

S is so enamoured with M right now that sometimes it is on the verge of funny. Like the time when she "invited" her friend, who had come over for a playdate, to come watch mommy change the baby's diaper. My heart melts at how she proudly shows off her new sister. And how, at every tiny little whimper from M, she comes running to us and asks "Do you need any help?" or "Do you want me to sing to/hold her?" All my fears and concerns over the age difference between my two daughters have dissipated because I see S is going to fawn over M and hopefully M will bask in that attention.

Who woulda thunk??!!

Of handing out this kind of tag? Only MadMomma can! I love that woman. She is bringing out the uninhibited me!

Sue says dawn is the best time. MadMomma says you don't need fancy-shmancy lingerie or romantic dinners - you just need the "neeyat". I am not a prude in any way but I am an intensely private person and would never have dreamt of discussing it on my blog. But MadMomma tagged me to do a post on it so here I am. It is the toughest topic to write on because doesn't she know I went through IVF?? Why the heck does she think that happened? :D


I will NOT discuss the times when we didn't do it at all because I was so badly depressed I had no desire left. And J patiently stood by my side without any expectations or "demands", never once complaining that his needs went unmet for the longest period of time. We did it only when I wanted it. IF I wanted it. Thankfully, we are at the tail end of that phase.

But for me, it is the best in the middle of the night or very early in the morning when the day ahead seems fresh and full of promise. For me, more important than the act itself is what comes before it - the snuggling, the cuddling, the flirtatious glances, and accidental (and the not-so-accidental) brush against each other, the small kisses that are like "full stops" at the end of a sentence... When S was small, we used to joke that we should send her to the neighbors' when we were in the mood and that pretty soon the neighbors will figure out why she was at their place so often :D

Dang!! I was contemplating telling my parents about this blog! Now I'll wait until this post rolls down and out of the page into the archives before that happens. And forget telling my kids about the blog. EVER!

Pro-Choice: In a different sense

When it comes to a mother's working outside of home or staying at home, I am strictly pro-choice. I believe it should be the woman's choice, and hers alone. After all, it is she who will be juggling home and career and family more than anyone else in the family because, unfortunately, even today our social system is male friendly and doesn't put the responsibility for "balancing" things on men. But that is matter for another post. I shouldn't digress.

Another thing - I never say "Working Moms" because I firmly believe ALL moms work (I have mentioned this in another post of mine - I think). I always say "Working Outside of Home Moms". That's just me :)

For me there never was a question. I grew up watching my mom balance work with home perfectly. I learnt from her that it is possible. And she brought me up believing that I MUST have a career. In our family it was a given that both, my brother and I will study, get a job and get married IN THAT ORDER. My parents taught me from the beginning that the most important thing for me to do was to be financially independent. If I ever showed signs of not taking my studies seriously, my mom would threaten me that she'd marry me off :D And it worked! I took my studies and persuit for a career seriously.

For reasons I have discussed in another post, my career stalled when I got married. But that didn't change my views on this matter. I still believed that a woman should work outside of home even after having children if she wanted to.

I have discussed my views on this in another post on the same debate. But that was in response to a post by MadMomma which, in turn, was in response to a comment of mine (and other similar comments). This time, I will just list my reasons for my choice without getting defensive or offensive. And my views in this matter are solely based on my personal experience and observations.

I work outside of home because I want to. And because I am not stay-at-home material. I believe a happy mother makes a happy family. For a long time I was not a happy mother. Because I had to stay at home. Not by choice. I have seen the effect a woman's unhappiness can have on her entire family - firsthand. I was that woman. There is a marked difference in my home's environment since I started working. But that is a choice that works for me and my family. My husband and I make it work. We work really hard at it so that my working outside of home affects S (and now M) in the least possible way. Because he knows how important it is for me.

I work for intellectual fulfillment. Yes. I need it. I want it. Nothing wrong in that. (I remember reading another post where the tone insinuated it is). When I was home with my daughter, I could feel my intellect stagnating. It doesn't happen to everyone. It happened to me because we were new to this country, with no friends. And later the friends that I did make were moms of my daughter's preschool buddies. We connected because our kids liked each other. There was no other reason. No other connection at an intellectual level. I am not saying that these moms weren't capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. They were. Many of them were very accomplished in their own fields. But when we met, our conversations revolved around our kids and their needs and our dreams for them and such. I wanted a break from that.

I wanted to work outside of home because I wanted to utilize my skills for something extra. I wasn't content just teaching my child math, and colors and alphabet. I didn't need the whole day to do that. I still teach her a million things in the time that I do get with her. I desparately wanted to be "needed" for my skills. And now, when I am on my maternity leave, I can tell from personal experience that it is a good feeling. When I get calls from my colleagues asking me to help them fix things that no one else can, I feel validated. I feel satisfied that I am making a difference that reaches far outside my home.

I wanted to work outside of home because I firmly believe that will make my daughters more confident and self-dependent. No - I take that back. I am not working to achieve this, but I am sure as a result of my working outside of home, this will happen. Working moms need every family member to pitch in to keep every thing going smoothly. The more things my daughters tackle in their day-to-day routine, the more independent they get, and confident too.

I work to bring in the extra paycheck. Because, like every other parent, I want to give my daughters a better life. I don't want them to have to take out loans to study. Granted it is easy to get student loans in this country but I am an old-fashioned Indian that way. I'll pay for my kids' education like my parents did for me. When I was in college, it was really a comfort to know that my parents would pay for my studies as long as I wanted to continue. On the other hand, J had to work full-time to put himself through graduate school. He would leave for work at 9:30 in the morning and return at 11 in night after classes. I believe he could have worked much harder at his studies if he didn't need to work full time to pay for it. And we are both sure we don't want to put our children through that kind of struggle.

I work outside of home because I worked very hard to get to this point. I didn't bear shitty behaviour from my uncle and aunt (yes I did) and still continue my studies for three long years to sit at home. I did it because I wanted to get somewhere. I went through that hardship to make a career for myself.

I don't believe that my kids will miss out on life if I work out of home. I don't think they will come to harm either. Of course, if I am going to work, I am going to make sure that I find good care for them. It will be criminal on my part if I don't do that. I will make sure that the care available to them is the best possible and will keep an eye on things to make sure everything remains the way I want it to.

I also work outside of home because I worry about the future. If something were to happen to J, I want to be able to provide for my kids without having to depend on anyone - even family. I have thought a lot about what I will do if worse came to worst. What if I cannot pay the mortgage on the house or save for the girls' future? I have even made plans in my mind(like moving to a low-cost-of-living state, or to a smaller house) and we are also looking into Life Insurance to make sure that the girls will be least affected should something happen to either or both of us. Recently a dear friend had emergency surgery and then later found out he has B-cell Lymphoma (cancer of the Lymphatic system). He has already been at home for a month. His wife had to take two weeks off to take care of him. His mom came here from India as soon as she heard about his surgery. This all involved expenses. If they didn't have any savings, they would have been in a serious jam right now. If his wife didn't work, she would have one more worry of finances on top of everything else that is going on. One has to be capable of and preapred for anything that life throws at them. It is easier to think that one can find a job if the need arises than to find an actual job. If, God forbid, the need arises there are going to be a lot of things clamoring for my attention and at that time looking for a job might be impossible for me even if my survival depended on it. In such a situation, I will have to accept the first job that comes my way instead of holding out for one that suits my qualifications and needs better. Of course, this is "galss half empty" kind of mentality but I always believed in hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

This is not a complete list of my reasons to work outside of home in any way. I have too many things going on right now to sit down and compile an exhaustive list. And the haze of sleep deprivation often obscures any rational thought I get in my mind. This is what came to my mind just as I was typing this post. I have been delaying the posting of it because I wanted to complete the list but now I can't think anymore. So... much... thinking... my... head... hurts...

Mama wraps a mean burrito!!

Month Two...

I know. I know. I know it is long overdue. Will post it soon.

:D

Pretty late in the day, but...

Happy Independence day to all my fellow desis!

The parents/in-laws are here. Things are hectic and fun. More later.

Stupidity - a good start to any day

I had to boil water for Baby M's formula. I put a pan on the counter on the edge of the kitchen sink, turned the faucet so it was over the pan, and turned the water on. I know, I know. I could have held the pan or put it in the sink under the tap but for the first choice - I am lazy and I like to multitask, which is not possible if you are standing just holding a pan under a running faucet and for the second option - I don't like to put clean cookware in the sink which is not clean (even when it has been scrubbed, first with dishwashing detergent and then bleach powder. Yeah, I know. OCD!!) in my opinion.

Now the multitasker that I am, I couldn't just stand there and watch the pan fill up, could I? So I went to get the phone to call a friend of mine. No. I didn't forget the pan under the water! I came back with the phone, but the battery was discharged so I went upstairs to get the second handset from our bedroom. That's when I forgot the pan momentarily. When I came downstairs, I found water over the entire counter and running down UNDER THE STOVE!!!! A leisurely morning just turned into a chaotic sweep-fest. Luckily, Baby M decided to go to sleep (she was in her rocker all this time) so I had one less thing to worry about. Pulled the stove out, swept behind and under it, dried the floor, threw away all the gunk, pushed the stove back in (which was no easy task, believe me - more on "why" later), rearranged everything back on the countertop - all the while talking on the phone, first with my friend then with J. Didn't I tell you I am a multitasker?? :P

Now everything is back in place but we are one step closer to that remodelling of our kitchen we have been talking about. You see, when I pulled the stove out, it wasn't a problem. But what I didn't know that the leg on the rear left side had lost its base and is now just a metal peg. When I started to push the stove back in, that metal peg cut into the ugly vinyl flooring (Good!! Now we can get rid of it and get on with that remodelling we have been dreaming about :D) and got stuck. Once I discovered that, it was just a matter of improvising. I did manage to push it back into place but we are now short two plastic lids for our tupperware :P

Anyhoo. Could things get any worse? I think not. I sure HOPE not!!

HumptyDumpty had a great fall...

... and sprained the ankle in her left leg and pulled a muscle in the right calf. Humpty-Dumpty already had a swollen right wrist and a hurting left shoulder. So, now Humpty-Dumpty is certified "disabled" (I believe that is the latest politically correct term :D)

But the thing that Humpty-Dumpty is most thankful about is that Baby M, who was in her left arm at that time, is safe and sound. Maternal instincts, I guess. As Humpty-Dumpty started falling, her right arm went to hold Baby M securely instead of breaking the fall.

So now The King is pampering Humpty-Dumpty :D

I'm on a roll :P

लालाजी ने केला खाया
केला खा कर मुँह बिचकाया
मुँह बिचका के छिलका फेंका
छिलका फेंक कर कदम बढाया
कदम के नीचे छिलका आया
लालाजी गिरे धडाम!
मुँह से निकला "हाय राम!!"

Remembering childhood

My brother learnt this poem when he was in first grade. I am recording it here in case I lose my mind over the next few years and forget it before I can teach it to my girls :)

सोचा करते हैं हम बच्चे
क्या रखा है बचपन में?
शीघ्र बडे हो जाएँ हम भी
चाह यही रहती मन में

हम भी रोब जमायें सब पर
मूछें रख कर बड़ी बड़ी
ओवर कोट पहन कर घूमें
लिए हाथ मे एक छड़ी

किन्तु बडों की चाह यही है
फिर से बच्चा बन जाएँ
मूंग फली भर कर जेबों में
जहाँ मिले मौका खायें

ये सब गड़बड़ झाला क्या है?
आख़िर कौन बतायेगा?
बच्चे होंगे बडे,
बडों को बच्चा कौन बनाएगा?

Just for the record...

I offered J this space to vent about his in-laws if the need ever arises. He refused saying that he has a lot of capacity to "absorb" (I am sure he meant absorbing whatever in-laws do to drive you crazy!)

I think he just loves his in-laws very much. Don't you?

:D

Yippeeeeeee!

The in-laws are coming to visit us.
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J's in-laws :D

You can send him your emails of sympathy at gettingtherenow at gmail dot com. I'll forward them to him :P

Art? Or Science?

Warning: This is probably going to be one of those posts with an assortment of thoughts just poured out. These thoughts have been bubbling in my mind for quite some time now and it is time they see the light of day or they would surely die in there and no one would ever know that I do get some coherent thoughts during my waking hours.

I have been thinking for quite some time now (Yes. I think.) - is parenting an Art? Or Science? How about a mix of both? Or something totally else? Sometimes I think parenting is a sport - a team sport where the parents have to present a united front to their kids and to the rest of the world.

Whatever it be, there is one thing that it is NOT. Easy. The decision to become a parent may come easy to some. I wasn't one of those lucky ones. In fact, when I and J decided to have children I told him I needed a few more months to get mentally prepared. I didn't want any children for atleast three years after getting married and when the time to make this decision came upon us, we had been married only for two. I wasn't ready. Due to the circumstances (being in a joint family with VERY controlling parents) we hadn't even had any chance to have fun yet! Plus, I had seen how interfering and controlling my in-laws were with the upbringing of my nephew, then 3 years old. I was determined NOT to have children and then be relegated to the background while someone else did the parenting. If I ever had children, I was going to be the parent goddammit!!

I have seen parents who have it all together. All figured out. They don't panic when the baby gets colicky or when sonny boy comes home from school with a note from teacher saying "he jumped off the monkey bars today and could you please talk to him about not banging his head on the wall when his wish is not fulfilled? At least not on the concrete wall?" And they know how to handle these situations. I have also seen self-professed "spreadsheet parents". These have spreadsheets for every possible if-then situation and have read every parenting book there is. Very unimaginative, in my opinion. Then there are some who just swing it. They have no preconceived ideas about how to tackle parenting issues. They just go with the flow. (Don't confuse it with just going along with whatever the kids say - that's not parenting. That is "raising Brats" in my opinion) What I mean by "going with the flow" is that these parents just tackle issues as they come up. They don't have it all charted out as to when will junior go to preschool, when will he start French lessons and when will the Piano lessons follow, which college will he go to and what career will he choose. OK - I know this is extreme but you know what I mean. I belong to this group. Trial-and-Error group. There is a lot of us out there!

No, there was no point to the previous discussion. I told you this is going to be an "assorted" post.

One thing I have noticed is the thankyou notes we get from kids whose birthday party S attends. Specifically Indian kids. The Thank You notes are written by the parents! Or typed and printed by them. They don't even make the kids sign the notes. Even if the kid just turned, say, 8. In my opinion, you won't get a better chance to teach your kids to be thankful for what they got. And to teach them how to say thanks. Or that they should. No wonder the kids today are growing up to feel that they are entitled to everything they get. Effort does not mean anything to them. Nor does gratitude. I think these parents are doing their kids a disservice by not teaching them the responsibility of writing the thankyou notes themselves. And I think this training should start early. When S turned 4, she had just learned how to write her name at the pre-school. After her birthday party was over, I wrote all the Thankyou notes but made her sign each one of them. And she did it excitedly because Wow! Thank you notes! Fun!! That is what I made it out to be. Next year, when she was in Kindergarten, I wrote out the Thankyou message on a sheet of paper, leaving the space for name of the gift blank and she copied the matter into each thankyou note adding the name of the friend and the gift they gave her from a list I had prepared. Of course we didn't do this in one day. It took her the better part of a week to finish all the notes. But I made her do it. Not because I am that cruel mommy who can't be bothered to do these small things on my child's behalf. But because I want her to learn these basic manners and skills. Because I want her to grow up to be an independent adult who takes responsibility for her own actions. And these small lessons go a long way, in my opinion. The next year, when she turned 6, she wrote out each message herself, only asking for my help with spelling. Last year she reminded me that she needed Thank You cards so she could send them to everyone who came to her birthday party. And she wrote out all the messages herself - modifying each one to fit the gift and the giver. She even reminded me that she needs to send thank you notes to people who got her "Big Sister" gifts in my Baby Shower.

A friend of mine argued that at least they are sending the thankyou notes. I agree. But the purpose of a thankyou note is for both, sender and receiver. It makes the receiver happy that their gift was appreciated and it makes the sender (read kids) aware that they are not the center of the universe and there are others who need appreciation as well.

Another thing that amazes me is how many Indian parents sit down and feed even their 5-6 year olds! I see the point if someone says they feed their 2 year old because at that age he/she doesn't know to finish their food. Kids that age (and younger) will just stop eating as soon as they are a little full. I fed my daughter till she was almost three. I would probably have continued (because it was more convenient than sitting at the dining table with her for one hour reminding her to finish her food) if she hadn't gone to pre-school. I took that as an opportunity to teach her to eat on her own. I figured she will learn faster if she saw other kids her age doing it too. I signed her up for the lunch program that the pre-school offered. They charged extra for it because it involved 2 extra hours of lunch and then some arts and craft. Unfortunately she didn't learn it right away. She routinely came back with her lunch box half full (I asked her teachers not to throw away the leftovers so I would know how much she ate). So we set up a rule. If she didn't eat her lunch on any day, she won't be able to watch TV that day (she was allowed to watch two half hour programs every other day). TV days fell on the same days as "school" days. That went well.

A cousin's wife (they live here in the US) mentioned that she had requested her son'd pre-school teacher to feed him because he didn't know how to eat on his own. That, instead of taking this opportunity to teach her son learn something new she just took the easy way out to maintain his current habit is what amazed me. And that the pre-school teacher agreed shocked me. My daughter's preschool teacher would have told me not to worry and that S will eventually learn to eat and wouldn't die of hunger. :D

Again, my issue is NOT with parents feeding their children. My main issue is with the parents' unwillingness to teach their children new skills. I have a friend who feeds her 6 year old son while he runs around playing with toys. She does make him sit down with other kids first but soon joins them and feeds him herself. And she is not the only one I have seen doing it.

This tendency to do everything for their kids, or to "help" them with everything, extends into other areas as well. Homework for example. When S started getting homework in first grade (Norwalk schools have no-homework policy for kindergarteners), she would sit at the dining table (or sometimes in the kitchen) and do her homework. She came to me, or called me, only if she needed help. I or J never hovered over her, or sat with her to help her do her homework. Homework is for reiterating skills learned at school. It is given with the child's grade level in mind. If they did it at school, they can easily do it at home unless they weren't paying attention in class. In that case, they should be made to work harder and should not receive any help in my opinion (Yes, I qualify for the "parent from hell" award). They have to learn to face the music. S had to. When she was in first grade, she once forgot to do her homework even after I reminded her 2-3 times. I didn't remind her after that. Next day her teacher called me at work to tell me that S hadn't done her homework. She thought there must have been a valid reason and in my opinion was looking for reasons to excuse S as she was one of her favorite students. I told the teacher to go right ahead and give her the punishment due someone who doesn't turn in their homework (which was missing the recess and completing their work then). Result? S never forgot to do her homework after that. Had I made an excuse for her or sat down with her the previous day to complete the homework, would she have learnt that responsibility? Nope.

For years my sister-in-law sat down everynight with her son to make him do his homework. During exam time she would study with him as if it were she who was appearing for the exams. If he had to miss classes due to some reason, she would go to his classmates' houses to get notes on what he missed. As a result he scored very good marks but never developed any self-discipline. For years I told her that it was his responsibility to study and finish his homework and hers only to provide him with a suitable environment, time and place and some help if he got stuck. Specially because it was getting more difficult each year to get him to study. The high marks that he got due to his mother's hard work gave him a false confidence that he was intelligent enough to tackle anything at the last minute and get the same high marks. Her argument against what I suggested was "But then he won't do as well. What if he fails?" And my counter-argument would be "You can't go to college with him. The sooner he learns to study on his own, the better. Later it will only become more difficult for him". This year, she finally gave up and left him on his own. And it is difficult for him to study on his own suddenly.

My point is, while doing things for our kids, or laughing at their bad behaviour when they are babies, we forget that they will eventually grow up. And then they will need these skills which they won't have because we never gave them a chance to learn. They will need to learn that the universe doesn't revolve around them and it will come as a big shock. They will need those good manners to get along and be liked, or even respected, by their peers. It is our duty, as parents, to teach them to gradually stand up on their own. To learn self-discipline. To learn good manners. For if we don't teach them, who will?

Pay special attention to the word "gradually" in the previous paragraph. I am not advocating just leaving our kids on their own to eat or do their homework (or learn any other skill for that matter). I am talking about working on developing those skills by gentle persuation or by helping them initially and then slowly letting go. It is pretty much like teaching them how to ride a bicycle.

This, and other parenting startegies/beliefs of ours came under fire a number of times from parents and friends alike. For one, our parents and friends commented many times that we were very strict with S. Because we didn't give her any chocolate/candy until she was 2.5 years old. And we didn't let her watch much TV. We even made her go to bed early (by 7:00 pm). She had to eat whatever was cooked for dinner and I never cooked anything for her separately. I did cook food to cater to her requests but not right then. If the food was too spicey, she knew to eat it with a glass of milk or a bowl of yogurt. But I never, NEVER, cooked separately for her. For all this, and a few other things, we were told "we were ruining her childhood" (for not introducing the important food group - candy), "she will become extra stubborn as she grows up" and that we were being too harsh on her. Thankfully J and I were, and still are, a team where parenting is concerned and we stood by our parenting style. Sure, we had our differences, but we sorted them out in private and not in front of S. Because that would just give her the chance to "divide and rule" if you know what I mean. All kids are very good at that :D

Our strategy with "rules" has been to relax them a little as S grows older and shows us that she is capable and worthy of being given a little freedom. She understands that. When the time comes, we will let her do a few more things that she isn't allowed to do right now. Since she was about 5 years old, she understands that different families have different rules and even if some friend of hers is allowed to do something that she isn't, she cannot argue with us to get permission to do it. Our home. Our rules. That is a pretty tough task to teach a 5 year old, in my opinion.

So, coming back to the question "Art or science?". I think parenting is just plain common sense. Whaddya say??

The Sistahs!!

If Only

Blogging wasn't available when S was born. Even if it was, I didn't know about it. Had it been available (or had I known about it) life would have been so much easier. This is one thing I tell my husband over and over.

If I had a blog then, I would have written about my birthing experience. That would have been one big load off my chest. By God! It would have been ONE BIG RANT! I would have written how, despite telling my OB/GYN and discussing it with J before hand that I wanted HIM next to me at the time of delivery, my MIL was in there with me AGAINST MY WISHES. And she actively discouraged J from coming in even after I asked for him a number of times. In fact, he was kept busy on pretext of other errands so he couldn't come be with me. I would have written how the nurse who was helping me during labor had forced me to start pushing very early on even though the doctor had left strict instructions NOT to do so until she told me, and how my MIL coerced me into listening to that dumb-ass nurse. How S' heartrate went down because of this and when the doctor asked if I had been pushing and I said yes the nurse made me do so, the nurse lied point blank. I would have told you how weak I felt after a whole day of useless pushing - so much so that when it was time to really push, I had no strength left. I would have remembered to log how my BIL (who is an anaesthesiologist and was present during my C-section) came into the delivery room and yelled at me for not pushing hard enough. (He was concerned about the C-section the doctor said I must have, but still...)

I would definitely have written about how my MIL picked a fight with J during my hospital stay, IN FRONT OF ME about why he took three days off for our daughter's birth. "Wouldn't we have taken care of your wife?" she asked. I would have written how shocked I was at this - how can a man NOT take a few days off at his first child's birth? And I would have cried on this blog about the first time MIL snatched S from my hands because I was "making her cry". I would have written about the million other tussels that went on in our family over Baby S. I would have penned how I was sad that I didn't feel the elation of bringing home a baby that I should have. Or that I was only important until Baby S was delivered. After that no one cared about my comfort. No one even bothered to talk to me - they would just come and take Baby S away to play with her while I sat alone in my room. I didn't even have the excuse to have her with me for nursing since amid all this chaos I didn't lactate properly.

If I had a blog back then, you would have known all my struggles as a "single" parent when J came over to the US and I stayed back with his family for a couple more months. How, even though there were 4 more adults in the house with me, I sometimes had to take Baby S with me to the bathroom because I couldn't find two hands willing to hold her. How a NINE year old boy, who lived with us, could see that I was about to drop dead from exhaustion and offered to babysit S while I took a nap but none of the other adults noticed.

Oh, I would have SO MUCH to tell! IF I had a blog then. But I didn't. So, I couldn't.

Best Laid Plans

Mad Momma asked "Are you where you planned to be?" I've been thinking since. Not if I am where I planned to be. I know where I am. I've been thinking about doing this post ever since. When I first set up this blog, I chose my blogger ID "GettingThereNow" for certain reasons. And I planned on doing a post on why I chose it some time in the future. I think that time is now.

Well, I always knew I wanted to be financially independent and planned on getting a job as soon as I finished my Master's. Then when J and I decided to spend our lives together, he mentioned that his dad was dead against daughters in law working outside of home. Plan no. 1 crashed! I wasn't one to be held back so I decided if I couldn't just stay at home and I did want to marry J, then I could at least run my own business. J said that should be fine with his parents. (Well, he should have known better. :P)For two years after finishing my studies, I worked at a small coaching & software development institute because I figured I'd get experience in all aspects of running a business that way. And I did. When I got married and finally started my own coaching institute (even though I wanted to be in software development instead), everything was well in the beginning and I even got a lot of help from my MIL in balancing my work and home responsibilities. I guess my in-laws figured it was some temporary hobby of mine and once I tired of it, I would just go back to my "main" responsibilities i.e. house chores. When it became obvious that I took it seriously, MIL started to resent it even though I never neglected my duties towards the house and family. But stubborn that I am, I just persevered and kept going with my classes.

I had big plans for this business of mine. I also wanted to get into the field of software development and the time was right because many small businesses were beginning to realize that they needed to computerize their systems. I told J I wanted to develop software more than teach so he tried to find a project for us to work on and did find one. A school wanted him to develop a software for them to maintain all their student records. J asked me if I wanted to do it and I jumped at the opportunity. But you can't develop software out of thin air. You have to gather requirements and for that you need to sit down with the client to get an idea about what they need and want out of the project. "Not so fast!" said FIL. No DIL of mine will ever step out of the house to go to a client's site. Plan 2 crashed.

I swallowed the bitter frustration and put all my energy into my classes. Now I figured I'd get government accreditation for a few courses and move my business to a proper site - till now I was running the business out of my home. We had set up one hall for classes with computers for lab work. Even though I was running the classes out of home, I tried to keep it as professional as I could. That meant I finished all house chores before classes started and never went in during the classes. I wanted it to be more professional than just some housewife giving tuitions to a bunch of kids. And it was. I had batches running from 7:30 in the morning till 5:30 in the evening with just three 15 minute breaks. Each batch had at least 4 and maximum 8 students. Students were coming to me just by word of mouth. I never had to advertise. Then J got an offer from a company that trained people and sent them to the US on projects. So my plan for a government accredited institute flew out the window.

Then we planned to have a baby before leaving for the US. I must say that was the only thing that went according to plan in all those years after getting married. And I thank God for that! S came into our lives within a year. I wanted very little age difference between my kids. 2.5 years at the most. Because I figured that way they'd grow up as best buddies. Plan number 4 went off-track this time. After this I stopped counting.

I was so depressed after having S that initially I put off the planning for second baby myself. I still think that was a smart decision. When S was about 3.5 years old, I decided I was well enough to try for another baby so we started trying. Nothing. 4 long years of nothing. That is another part of my life that I have already discussed in my earlier posts.

When S was a year old, I decided it was time for me to go back to work. That is how I and J had planned it - I'd stay at home for a year and then go back to work. I found a company that agreed to sponsor my H1B visa. Sent them all my papers in January of 2000. I kept following up with my account manager and he kept reassuring me that everything was going smoothly. Then, in April I called him to ask the status of my visa application and he informed that he had "forgotten" to file my application. That is one thing I still can't wrap my mind around - how can someone "forget" to do their job? Anyway, he filed my papers then and I finally got my work visa in October that year. I needed to get my papers stamped and since we were visiting India in November, I got them stamped at the Mumbai consulate. Came back in December, arranged for a daycare for S and by February beginning I was all set to start looking for a job. The IT bubble burst right around that time and there were no more jobs. Another plan goes poof! I kept looking for a job but after September 11th, I really gave up hope of ever finding a job until our green card came through because companies weren't hiring any H1B holders anymore.

In beginning of the next year (2003) I decided that if I ever wanted to return to the job market, it wasn't going to happen on my current skill set. So I decided to upgrade it. In fact, I decided to change fields completely. I switched from software development to Networking. Went back to school, earned a certification and found an internship through my college co-op in October 2004. In February/March 2005 my brother introduced me to blogging and I opened this blog. At that time, I had a part time job, our green-card processing was moving along at a good pace and I was beginning to feel that things were looking up again. I felt I was slowly getting where I wanted to be. Hence the blogger ID - Gettingtherenow.

I am still not where I want to be in my chosen profession. I have a long way to go. But I am sure I will get there. Even if I have to go back to college with my daughters :D It is like my wish list just reached God and he is fulfilling each wish one by one. Job - Check. House - Check. Baby - Check. Career advancement is next. I am finally getting there now.

Teaching an old dog old tricks

Yes. Pointless, isn't it? To teach the same tricks over and over to a dog? That is what it feels like people are (figuratively) trying to do ever since Baby M arrived. Trying to teach us parenting! Granted, S is almost 9 years old. But that doesn't mean that we have forgotten our parenting skills!

So we had a friend telling us (before Baby M arrived) that babies keep you up at night. Thankyou!! I had forgotten that. I didn't remember that when S was born, I had to wake up every 45 minutes - you could set your watch by the regularity of it - feedings every 1.5 hours and nappy changes every 1.5 hours, both equally spaced at 45 minute intervals of each other.

Another one's mom told me that they should be burped after every feed. Really?? No Kidding? So, you mean I cannot just feed her and then throw her down in her crib so she can go to sleep? And when she just won't burp even after 45 minutes of a feed and is sleeping soundly, do you mean to tell me that I should sit up with her the whole damn night until she burps???? Hot dang!! I didn't know that!

Yet another irritating friend tells me that I shouldn't make too many plans regarding nursing Baby M (and other things about bringing her up) because life doesn't always go according to plans. This happened when I had started to mention to her that I was planning on trying my best to nurse Baby M for as long as I can and for that I was going to buy a breast pump. Pat came the advice "You shouldn't set yourself up for disappointment because, you know, sometimes things don't go accroding to plan." I felt like saying - You sure?? 'Coz all my plans always came through - right from having a career, to running my own business to spacing my kids only 2 years apart to having at least 3 kids. Yup! And infertility? I planned that too. So I don't know a thing about plans not materializing.

The above mentioned friend went on to say that I must have forgotten half the things since S is already 8 (her own daughter is 9, so she remembers stuff from her early days... how???) And when I politely reminded her that I do remember quite a few things just like she does, she got offended and said she won't give me any more advice since I seem so much in control of things anyway. Thank you very much, I said. To her credit, true to her word, she has stopped sending unsolicited advice my way. We still see each other occasionally and get along pretty well. I am glad that was "amicably" sorted out :D

A well meaning friend mentioned that we should have more than one (read 4-5) of certain things (like nasal aspirators, thermometers etc.) because "you'll see, you will always keep them somewhere and won't be able to find them the next time". Really? 'Coz, I don't know about you but I like to keep things organized. I have a basket filled with all the stuff that we need for Baby M (ranging from her nail clipper to her diapers and diaper ointment) and we carry that around the house with us. Even if we don't carry it around, we know where to go look if we need diapers, or wipes or even a bib.

Another cried out "Aise nahi pakadte hain!" (you shouldn't hold her like that) the moment J picked Baby M up to burp her after a feed. There was nothing wrong in the way J was holding M. He has more experience in holding and playing with very small babies than me. But just because he is the dad doesn't mean he doesn't know a thing about holding babies.

So, lactation problems, night time feedings, sleep-deprived haze, constant diapering and nursing and pumping are not enough for us. Bring on your redundant parenting advice too!

Note: I am not against advice that is really helpful or that I asked for in the first place. It is unsolicited advice about simple things that everyone must know that irritates me. And the "I-won't-stop-to-ask-you-if-you-already-know-this-and-won't-let-you-get-a-word-in-until-I-stop-for-a-breath-which-will-be-two-days-from-now-so-you-don't-hold-your-breath" kind of advice.

Reflections...

We got some more updates on the health of our friend S. He had been running a fever and met an accident while going to the ER to get that checked. That resulted in his spleen getting ruptured. He had to undergo an emergency operation for removal of his spleen, lost a lot of blood and was lucky to have gone to the ER when he did otherwise "anything could have happened" according to the surgeon who performed the surgery.

We visited him and his family on last Sunday. We couldn't do more but figured our presence might give them some comfort. S told J then that some cancerous cells had been found in his spleen when it was sent to pathology for further tests to figure out why was it swollen in the first place. His fever hadn't gone down either. Yesterday R, his wife, told us that chemotherapy has been started because he has lymphoma.

Needless to say, we are sad and shocked. Of course we have heard of people getting cancer before but it hits you harder when it is close to home. And we are numbed by the realization how close we came to losing S. His wife, a true optimist, said the accident was a blessing in disguise because otherwise they wouldn't have found out about the cancer. It seems the cancer is still in early stages. He is already on chemothrapy. It is making him sick and weak. He can barely talk because one of the side effects of one of the drugs is that it makes the patient short of breath. His dad is alone in India (mom is here) and doesn't know all this. He is diabetic and they haven't told him for the fear that he'll take it hard and might react badly. They don't want to take that risk since he is alone there.

Friends are rallying around them. But, no matter how many people visit, or stay with them or bring food and comfort, both of them have to go through their individual pain alone. He, of getting the devastating news that he has been struck by one of the most dreaded diseases. And she, of seeing someone she loves go through so much suffering, and facing the worst fears alone. On top of all this, they have to console their parents that everything is going to be alright. In a time like this, when you need all the support you can get, having to suck it up and saying to your parents "It's not a big deal. Look on the brighter side. Had I not been in that accident, we would never have caught this disease this early" takes a special kind of bravado. I don't think I could ever do that. I would just melt down in my own misery.

And they have small kids. Older son just turned 7 and the younger one is a year old. To face the possibility that they might have lost their father is so upsetting. I keep thinking how S and R must be feeling. We still don't know what his prognosis is. We are going to visit them again tomorrow - just to be with them. There is nothing more we can do except show them that we will always be there. We don't know what stage the cancer is in or if it is treatable or curable (yes, there is a difference). I wish I could ask the doctor all these questions myself until I get all the answers. I don't want to keep asking R because I don't want her to go through all this over and over. It must be upsetting to repeat all the details to all enquiring friends. S did say last time that people don't realize that he is sick and keep calling him incessantly to chat. Thankfully, we didn't make that mistake. We did try to call frequently, but we always called R and not S.

This kind of thing also makes you realize how frail life is. And that it could easily have been you. It makes you reflect and introspect and evaluate where do you stand. Will your family be able to survive such a blow? Will you fall apart or march along bravely facing everything life throws at you? Will you be alone or have friends by your side? What will happen to your kids? Your spouse? Will they miss you? How long? What about folks back home? Will you get a chance to say "Good Bye" and "I Love you"? What about your dreams and aspirations? To have a number put on the length of one's life is the cruelest thing that could happen to anyone. That is a sobering thought.

If you cannot go to the gym...

...make the gym come to you!

We bought this over the weekend. A treadmill! We had been contemplating buying one since I got gestational diabetes and didn't buy one just because we were unwilling to spend all that money. But now it was becoming apparent that I needed desparate help in shedding those pounds that I accumulated during my IVF treatments and then during the pregnancy. Even now I am at a weight that I have never been at even at the peak of my last pregnancy. A whopping 181 pounds!! There. I said it. I am kind of ashamed of my weight right now, though I don't know why. It wasn't as if I could avoid gaining it. I gained only 20 pounds during my pregnancy, and my OB/GYN and edocrinologist were very happy with that fact (and it took a lot of effort to limit the weight gain to 20, believe me) But I gained over 20 pounds in the year before I conceived and while I should have adopted an exercise regimen (rather, maintained the one I had), it was next to impossible with so many balls in the air to juggle. A full-time job, IVF treatments, a new home, in-laws (and the accompanying stress :D) and a family to take care of. The biggest one was my commitment to my daughter's school PTO - I was her school's rep for the Norwalk PTO committee and had to attend monthly meetings. As a rep I also had to attend vendor fairs and other events organized by the committe, report back to the school's PTO about what was discussed at the PTO committee, was part of her school's Technology committee, took an active part in voicing school-parents' concerns in front of the Board of ed and the superintendent, and also voiced our concerns at the town's budget hearings because they were thinking of making cuts to the school board's budget. Some of these meetings ran till 10 or 11 and I had one meeting every week on an average (sometimes more). All this went on practically till the end of school year (June) which means that I was doing all this almost till the end of my pregnancy.

Anyhoo. So here we are now - at 181 lbs. At least 50 pounds to lose. An added incentive is the endocrinologist's warning. If I don't lose the weight, my chances of getting diabetes are 50%. If I do manage to lose even some of the weight, my chances go down to 5%. Simple, isn't it?! Not quite. For now, between the constant feeding, nursing and pumping sessions, not to mention other house chores, I have to fit in an exercise program. And blogging :D And I am going back to work in 4 weeks. Sssssssscary!

One glimmer of hope - the arrival of my parents on August 16th. I am eagerly waiting for them. Hopefully their arrival will give me and J the much needed respite from our grueling schedules. Not that we are planning to dump all work on them. But we will have them to take care of Baby M if, say, we have to mow the lawn or trim the bushes (yup! we have to do that too!), or do one of the 1000 other jobs around the house that lie ignored right now. I am also looking forward to leaving the kids with them one night and going out for a quiet movie and a dinner with J. Been a long time since we did that. Almost a year - the last time we did that was when J's parents were visiting us last year. One thing that I am looking forward to the most is spending some time with my parents. The last time they visited us, I had school 4 nights of the week in addition to my full-time job. This time too I considered signing up for a class since they will be here to help but decided against it. The class will have to wait even though it does have the potential of giving my career a much-needed boost. This time, I'll get about 15 days with them at home before I go to work and this time around I am much more disciplined and efficient so I am hoping we will get more time together on week-nights and weekends.

So, now the treadmill awaits me! I am looking forward to making its acquaintence tonight. Which means I have to get off my big fat butt RIGHT NOW and prepare dinner while Baby M is sleeping. Ciao!

A memorable day - in more than one ways

This is what J gave me for my birthday - a gift card to this place. A spa, a spa, A SPA!! I am psyched! And have already decided what I'm getting done. A pedicure and a manicure!! I was always very particular about the state of my feet. I couldn't stand it if my feet got dirty even if it was "just dust". Lately, due to various responsibilities and our hectic schedule, I've become lax and don't take care of my feet as much as I would like to. Now is the chance! And once I have tried the place out (and the service) I might go back for an all-out facial. Really could do with five years off my face and some relaxation.

I need to get an appointment 2 weeks in advance though and picking up the phone for any reason is far from my thoughts right now. I find it highly bothersome to answer the phone on some days because I am too lazy!

Anyway, getting back to "the day". J gave me the first card and the gift at 12 am. S gave me a card the first thing in morning before she got ready and left for camp. Phone calls started coming in from 7:30 am. No. Actually, phone calls started coming in from the previous day. One of J's friends called at 11:30 pm the night before.

The day itself was mostly spent catering to a cranky Baby M. She got her first shots the day before and the second day was the most uncomfortable for her. At one point I got very irritated at her crankiness but then I remembered how I had given up all hopes of ever having a baby to hold and to cuddle. That changed my perspective and my day turned into the best birthday I ever had. Because on this birthday I had what I desired for the most in the last 5 years. By evening though, her crankiness had started rubbing off on me. Even though it was a week-night and S had camp the next day, we decided to go out for dinner.

This was Baby M's first night out for dinner. And she behaved gloriously! Never once did she cry or fuss or make a scene in general that we were so afraid she'd do. Specially because she was hopping mad when we put her in the car seat and took forever to calm down. She did wake up as soon as appetizers were served (those darned sensors of hers that warn her whenever mommy is about to eat/sleep/pee/pump/talk/relax!) I gave her the bottle and she went back to sleep peacefully and we had our dinner in peace after that. S was so tired that she could hardly finish her dinner (chicken tikka masala that she LOVES) and almost went to sleep on the table. But she hasn't been a fussy child anyway. We came back home by 10:30 or 11 (I don't remember), put both kids in bed, finished off our tasks (sterilizing bottles, carrying up all M's stuff that we would need during the night, putting away the doggie bags that we brought home) as fast as we could and were in bed before midnight and believe me you, it is a herculean task these days. No matter how hard I work during the day, or how beautifully I manage my rouitne throughout the day, or how much J helps out, I can never get in bed before 12:30 or even 1 (on good days).

S got a "coupon book for mommies" for my birthday and now gives me a coupon every now and then :) The last one promised I could take a day off and the one before that promised help with grocery shopping and putting away of all the stuff when we get home. Oh, and ALL the cards she got me were signed "From S and M". I have no tension about sibling rivalry at least for now.

We did forget one "tradition" of ours because we were so darned tired that day. On every special occasion (birthdays, anniversaries) we get Tiramisu from the local Shoprite store. They have the BEST Tiramisu we ever tasted. This time we plum forgot. But we remembered it later so J got it on Monday. And I never got roses this time :( But I didn't create a scene (Good girl!!) because I know how tired J gets and that he remembered to get me the gift shows how much he still thinks about me. Next year he is not getting off easy :D