**Insert evil laughter here**

S participated in an Olympic Torch Run held by her school yesterday. A very impressive event that I am planning a separate post on. Towards the end of the event, when all the kids were assembled in the field, she stumbled and fell, and sprained her foot. All evening yesterday was spent by mom and dad providing TLC to her and her foot. Cold compresses, followed by hot compresses, anti-inflammatory ointment massages.... We were hoping she'd be better by morning which turned out not to be the case. She went limping to the school. I hardened my heart and let her ride the bus, because I had a nagging suspicion that she was limping more for the effect than because of the hurt (Yeah - MBO. Meanie of the Biggest Order - that's me!).

I did leave a message for her classteacher that she be excused from lap running that they normally are required to do for their health class. I received a call from her a little while ago that I unfortunately missed. She left me a garbled (read whiny) message saying I should talk to Mrs. M and explain something (didn't quite understand what) to her. I sort of panicked thinking Mrs. M was probably trying to get her to run laps because she hadn't checked the voicemail I left her. So I called the school and left my cell phone number requesting to be called back. Mrs. M called and wanted to know what exactly could S do without aggravating her injury. Like jungle gym, swings, running on the field, playing four corners - what? I said nothing - I would rather she sit on a bench and not tax her foot.

Now here is where the evil laughter comes in. I called J right after this and told him about this incident. Then we got to talking about the possibility that S might get mad at not being able to play because, just maybe, she exaggerated the limp to get out of running laps :) I mean she might have thought that she'd get out of running laps but still get to have fun on the swings and the monkey bars. I know how a 9 year old's mind works. And we agreed that if her foot is really hurting then she needs to sit out of all activities. And if it is not really hurting then she REALLY needs to sit out of all the fun to learn that you can't always have your cake and eat it too.

Wot say?

MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The best Mother's day, yet feeling a little unloved

This Mother's day was special - my first one with Baby M. And the first one when S remembered it on her own and prepared a card for me ALL BY HERSELF.

Got a lovely rose from M's daycare.

And a card that had her picture in the middle and hand prints on each side. And a beautiful finger-painted card from S. She had painted a bunch of purple grapes with her fingers and written "Love you a bunch" inside. (Don't have a picture to post). And she gifted me a few of her prized possessions - some beautiful colorful stones. These things made this day THE BEST for me.





Something else made me a little sad.





Nothing - NOTHING - from J. Not a card. Not a bunch of roses. He did remember to wish me a happy Mother's day right before he called his mom, and I say GOOD FOR HIM! If he can't remember the mother of is own children, then he deserves the whack on his head that he would have gotten if he'd forgotten. But not receiving a card from him hurt me more than I thought it would. Even though I got the most beautiful cards from the girls, and they are the ones who matter on this day, it did pinch a little that J didn't care enough to get me a card. On Mother's day, we went to a friend's place to celebrate his birthday, and on our way there we stopped at a store to buy a bouquet for him. Even then it didn't occur to J that he should at least get me some flowers too. I went in to buy the flowers and it sure was infuriating to buy those flowers when I knew J didn't remember to buy me anything.





Maybe I am making a huge deal out of nothing. He is a good father and a very good husband. But all through our marriage, there have been such occasions. On my first birthday after we got married, he said he didn't "feel like buying me roses or more than one card" when I asked him if he was getting me any. This from the man who would get me roses for no reason at all when we were dating.





Lately it has been "I didn't get the time". I don't buy that. If I can find the time to buy him a Father's day gift in advance ONE DAY before going to the hospital for my scheduled C-section, if I can drive in snow to buy him a Valentine's day card and gift, if I can take time out from a busy schedule to get him a birthday card and a gift - so can he. He just needs to plan it better. I have been trying to make him understand - and have failed. Even when we were living in Indore with his parents and I was completely dependent on him for shopping (wasn't allowed to go out alone - don't ask), I managed to get him a surprise bouquet of roses every damn year with a friend's help. Heck, I even managed to gift him a surprise bouquet when we came here even though I didn't drive at that time and there were no flower shops within a walking distance.





I know I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He loves me more than anyone else in the world and that should be enough for me. I am not even mad about the damn roses or the gifts. In fact I asked him not to get me anything for my birthday this year because I want to buy a laptop next year. I am mad about the excuses. I am mad about how he makes it sound like he did remember but he is soooo busy that he couldn't step out to buy a card. It would be fine if he just accepted that he forgot/couldn't buy and said "sorry". That wouldn't be too hard now, would it? I would understand and maybe even laugh it off. But to say "You know how busy I am. How could I go?" insults me. You listening J?





Anyhoo. So, we fought over it and made up (Well, kinda. If we had truly made up, I wouldn't be writing this post, would I?). I decided that J WILL buy me flowers, whether he wanted to or not. So, on my next trip to the grocery store, I bought these for myself - from J.

And I coolly informed him that he is going to buy me flowers like this every 2 weeks. For ever. :)

For some reason, these flowers stank so bad that we spent a good half hour looking for a stinky diaper under the sofas and behind doors until it struck me that I had smelled that smell while I was grocery shopping too! Sure enough - we got a generous whiff of the "stinky diaper" smell when we performed a nasal investigation on the flowers!

It is time for me to go grocery shopping again. Will post a picture of the new flowers soon!

Hard at work!!

This should explain it better!

Foto-Shoto - 1

She loves looking out the door!

Who, me?

Looking for hidden treasures under the nightstand.

Ah! Warmer weather means skirts!!

And frocks!

Ain't I a girly-girl?

Let's see. What did mommy sweep under the carpet?

I want to climb in dadda's lap too!

I love yougurt! You?

Hey you!

Didi and baby.

Didi.

Last week of May'08

• Walked about 4-5 feet - without stopping or plonking her ass down! (Friday, May 30).

• Offered bottle to dadda and didi.

• Wiped mama's nose.

• "Cleaned" herself on the leg while taking a bath.

• Took shrieking to new levels.

• Raced up the stairs in a record minute. Yup - all 13 stairs! Never stopped for a second. TWICE this week. Safety gates, here I come!

• Once upstairs, raced into didi's room and looked at/grabbed all the treasure in amazement.

• Ate pulao for the first time.

• Tried to put on a sock.

• Tried to comb her hair with a doll's hair brush.

• Found a new strategy to pull socks off. Stand with one foot in front of the other, heel on toe. Press down with heel, pull the other foot back, thus removing the sock. Repeat with the other foot in front.

• Climbed into her rocker by herself and sat there observing everything.

• Ate Chinese food - Egg fried rice. And preferred it over plain ol' bread 'n butter!

Yup, I did all this!

Dotmom's innocent little post on a book about a working woman's pregnancy triggered a lot of memories for me. Totally unrelated to the topic of being a working, pregnant woman. These memories were more about how any kind of activity on my part elicited a whole slew of patronizing responses from people around me. It irritated me no end. I was advised by many to just let go and do my own thing but I am incapable of letting go. NOT in my nature! If someone gives me a piece of their mind, I am tempted to give it right back to them, with a bigger piece of MY mind.

So, I didn't take it kindly when anyone suggested that I should sit down or eat more or not pick something up. I have countless such memories. And I am going to subject you to all of them :D (**evil laughter**)

I faced the most resistance during my first pregnancy. On the day that I declared my pregnancy, my MIL wanted me to shut down the coaching classes I was running. And I have to mention it here - I had the easiest and healthiest of pregnancy. No morning sickness, no food cravings. I was as active as I ever had been. Yes, I was more tired but that just meant I took more naps. But I still did all the work I had been doing before getting pregnant. That included cooking for a family of 6 adults, one teen house help (one teen can sometimes put away more food than 6 adults, believe me :P) and one toddler. Picky toddler. Not to mention 3 very picky adults. I washed all my clothes, including the towels and bedsheets with my HANDS. Not even a handkerchief left my room to be washed by the maid, much to the consternation of my MIL. About once or twice a week, I would swab the floor of my bedroom when I got disgusted with the level of un-cleanliness of the maid and the house help. I taught classes from 7:30 in the morning till 5:30 in the evening with just three 15 minute breaks in between. J would leave at 8:30 in the mornings for work those days. So I woke up at 5:30, cooked lunch for the whole family and would be ready for my classes by 7:30. Later, I moved one of my classes to 6:30 AM (!) so I could finish the course well in time for my maternity leave. This continued till the end of my pregnancy. I stopped lifting heavy buckets towards the end, but I still washed the clothes. I washed the kitchen and the counter tops and prepared things for the next morning the night I started getting labor pains. I didn't even notice the labor pains until after I'd taken a shower. I had been getting Braxton Hicks contractions for most of the third trimester so I didn't pay heed to the real contractions. When I finally timed them, they were 3 minutes apart.

OKAY! Back on track. During my first pregnancy, one gem of an advice that stands out in my memory came from my dear MIL. I was frying puris and placed about 10 of them on a steel plate and turned around to serve it to MIL and FIL who were having their lunch right then. MIL went "Itna sab mat utha!!" (Don't pick all that!!). Ticked me off no end. I guess I should have looked at the concern and felt good that she worried about me, right? But as I said - not in my nature :P Yup - I am a b***h of the first order.

Every morning I used to go downstairs (five floors down) with J to see him off to work. And I would then climb the stairs - all five floors. One auntyji who lived in our building commented to MIL that I probably shouldn't be doing that. I could understand it coming from an uneducated old lady but was most astonished when an OBGYN admonished me for taking two walks each day! Thankfully this wasn't my regular OBGYN otherwise I'd have switched doctors before you could say "Wha??". My own OBGYN was on the same page as me regarding activity levels during pregnancy. She even advised me to swab floors every day for a fit pregnancy. She said I could safely drive a two wheeler provided I didn't have to kick start it. So I zoomed around on a Kinetic Honda when I went to my parents' for two months during my second trimester. I even dragged J to a trip to Mount Abu because I desperately wanted one more trip with him without a baby. Someone in my mom's colony said I shouldn't walk so fast when pregnant. Someone else said I shouldn't sit cross legged. WTH???

The stupidest "honey don't do" was when I was told not to eat Jamuns. Apparently eating them makes the baby's skin darker. I foolishly gave in (because I didn't want any more battles than I could handle - definitely NOT because I believed in it too) and regret it till date. Now I don't think I will ever get to eat Jamuns as they are not available here in the US and I don't see a summer trip to India in our foreseeable future. I was also advised not to watch the horror shows and movies that I was so addicted to in those days. By none other than my dear FIL :P When I didn't budge, help was sought from J to make me understand. I still didn't budge and continued to watch those "comedy" shows ("Zee horror show", "Aahat" on Sony TV couldn't be anything but). Even watched "The Poltergeist" and some other Hollywood horror flicks. Everyone lived in terror believing the baby will be born deformed from all those ghastly images I was looking at. S was as beautiful as a baby could ever be - she sure showed them! And she had an even more beautiful temperament. So it really disproved the theory that the TV shows I was watching would affect the baby's appearance or personality. Oh, and I was asked not to drink tea the way I like it - tea leaves steeped in hot water for a minute and with sugar and a touch of milk (2 teaspoons EXACTLY measured). The baby would get a dark skin, it seemed. I was advised to drink tea with loads of milk in it. I opted for a darker skinned baby instead.

I was even asked to read Ramayan or BhagvadGita every day. Now, I am not against reading them but just because I was pregnant? In lieu of the murder mysteries and thrillers I was so hooked on? Thanks but no thanks! In retrospect I think I was the most difficult pregnant DIL to ever live with. I had a mind of my own and didn't hesitate in using it.

The second pregnancy was a bit better because we were here in the US, away from the meddling auntyjis and concerned relatives. But friends carried out some of the responsibilities dutifully. I invited some friends for dinner on Thanksgiving and that is when we declared that I was pregnant (I don't get the "we are pregnant" thing. We were expecting, but I was pregnant). As soon as I declared my pregnancy a friend started admonishing me for having cooked so much all by myself when I was pregnant. I humored her for a while but when it became too much to bear I snapped "I am pregnant, not an bedridden". That did the trick. I had no idea at that time how many times I would have to use this sentence in my entire pregnancy.

Friends kept insisting at gatherings that I should sit down and eat first and rest. I humored some, and blasted some. Then a friend threw me a baby shower. We planned it together and decided the shower would be a women-only shower. Since we had a friend coming in from NJ and another cousin of mine flying in from Chicago, I decided to have a post-baby-shower party at my place. I planned a simple menu that could be prepared with minimal efforts. Dahi Bade, Veg Biryani, Moong Dal Pakode, some other chaat items and a sweet dish (I forget what it was). I prepared everything before leaving for the shower in the afternoon so that I wouldn't have to do anything when I came back. We had about 5 or 6 families (including ours) gathered. When I got back from the baby shower, I found J in a foul mood. I immediately thought it was because we were late but he told me that he was ticked off because a friend had been insisting that we order food from outside. Even after J told him that all the food was ready. When we came back, this friend again started telling his wife to disregard what I was saying and order up some idli-dosa from a local restaurant. That's when I lost my cool and yelled "What about the food I have already cooked? And why are you treating me like an invalid?" This is a very dear friend and I really appreciate the concern he and his wife show for us all the time, but I guess I was completely fed up with the mollycoddling by then. He understood after that and backed off, I made a deal with his wife that I will let her serve the food and I'll "rest" and everything ended on a happier note after that. I did feel sorry (and still do) for having yelled at him but I believe he left me no choice.

I once mentioned to a colleague that I was still carrying computers and servers at my job to which I promptly received a concerned reprimand. I told her I was careful and did all the lifting with my arms (I have strong arms, back and shoulders from years of working out with weights and from carrying big water buckets to water plants during my younger days). I really was careful, but there was no way I was going to give all work up just because I was pregnant. I even stayed back at work till 3 AM for a phone server repair project during my last trimester. I liked the way my boss showed his concern. He didn't tell me not to do it. He kept calling me every hour after end of business until I left for home. His concern really touched me because he showed faith in my professional abilities yet showed his concern for my personal safety.

I even planted my vegetable garden during my last trimester, almost 8 months pregnant. It was Mother's Day weekend and I dug up the bed with a shovel, turned the soil and planted all the plants I'd gotten for the garden. J helped by dumping bags of soil in the bed, but after that I was on my own to spread it out and do the rest. This is what I love about J. He trusts my judgment. He never admonished me for anything I did during my pregnancy if I told him I was OK doing it. He showed a complete trust in my abilities. And maybe because of that trust I WAS able to do all that.

I had a grueling schedule all through my pregnancy. I changed my office time to 7:30 am to 4 pm. I would pick up S from after-school program and take her to all her after-school activities (at that time she had swim practice twice a week and was taking tennis lessons), came home, cooked dinner and even attended a zillion Board of Ed/ PTO council/ PTO/ Norwalk Budget meetings. I often came home from these meetings after 10 pm - at least 2 days a week. AND I managed to ride the stationary bike for at least 40 minutes each day to keep my blood sugar under control. I am sure I wouldn't have been able to do even half of it if we had my or J's parents living with us. They would have been too stressed out to let me do it.

The week leading to my delivery was a completely different story. I had a crisis at work, which required me to pull an allnighter (from home). As a result, I developed high blood pressure by next morning. Since I was already past the 36 week mark in my pregnancy, my OBGYN said he would prefer doing the c-section early than wait on pin and needles to make sure the baby wasn't harmed by the high blood pressure. So he rescheduled my c-section and upped it by one week. That gave me absolutely no time to rest, relax and reorganize as I had planned. But you've gotta do what you've gotta do. So I had the c-section on June 5th (instead of June 12th as planned) and the rest, as the cliche' goes, is history.

HUGE Milestone!

Saturday, May 24 2008: One step - towards mamma.
Wednesday, May 28 2008: TWO steps - towards daddy.
Wednesday, May 28 2008, a little while later: One step - towards mamma.

Woo Hoo!!!

Oh, and other accomplishments?

Sunday May 12 2008: Climbs DOWN 5 stairs (with daddy anxiously reaching out to prevent any falls).
Wednesday, May 28 2008: Climbs UP the stairs ALL THE WAY!!

Again - Woo Hoo!!!

One-one and one to one

This is month 11 for M and at the beginning of it she was one month away from being one year old. Howzzat for some math, huh?? :D I have been meaning to write since a long time but either I don't have the time or I don't have anything to write. I know many friends of mine will go "Wha?? You have a baby and you don't have anything to write about?" Well really, I am not the kind of parent to write about every single thing my daughter does. I just ain't. Though I would love to do that but when I sit down to write baby updates, my mind goes blank. Like it has now - why else do you think I am rambling? :)

Last week, M said her first "conscious" word that she picked up from us. I was brushing my teeth in the morning and Ms. M came cruising into the bathroom. She pulled herself up against the bathtub and then after looking in for a little while went "Na Na Na". Short for "nahai nahai" - which is baby speak for (roughly) "take a bath". So there! She spent almost all weekend singing "mama, mama" in a strong voice. When I try to get her to say "mama" she smiles and goes "papa papa". This one already knows how to push my buttons! She sings too - "la la la la la la la". And when I sing "la la la" back to her, she goes again! We do this on our way to her daycare after S takes the bus.

Her first pearly white made an appearance in this month. Right after that, 3 more teeth popped out. All at once. She has been crawling at super speeds and has lately been letting go and standing unsupported. I call her "spidey" because she crawls fast and sometimes looks like a spider darting from rock to rock. She got another ear infection before I went to India, but got better and since then has been OK. I took her to the ENT specialist who declared her ears fluid free and infection free. He also did a hearing test on her and declared her hearing top notch! She still likes to hear only selected things - so in that matter she seems to be taking after her dad :D

M has grown so much and so much has happened in the last month that I am having trouble remembering all of it. So it'll all come in bits and pieces. Oh yes! We have seen tantrums. And we continue to see them everyday. She decides she wants some thing, or HAS to be picked up RIGHT NOW and goes "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". If she is on the floor, all the more better! Then she can spread out on the floor and bang her legs. She even tried banging her head against the bathroom door when J went in to take a shower against Her Highness Ms. M's wishes. I guess that must have hurt because she didn't try it again. I sure didn't supply any sympathies :P We are getting used to these tantrums and most times just walk off. Other times I find it so damn funny that I start laughing in front of her and she feels insulted. Increases her efforts then :D

Speaking of head banging - she really banged her head yesterday. FOUR times, on different occasions. The first time it happened in the morning when she pulled herself up on a folded stool and then started shaking it. Fell, with the stool falling on the top of her head. Cried a bit but was quiet as soon as I picked her up. Then,after she came home from the daycare, S was playing with her on our bed. J had fallen asleep trying to get M to take a nap (poor thing!), M went to the edge of the bed, looked down cautiously, then looked up at the light (or fan, maybe) and lost her balance. Fell on her head. Later she was standing against an end table and when I called her, she let go, tried to sit down and hit her bum on the edge of the fireplace just behind her. That made her lose balance and fall over on her face. Yeah she cried but it WAS funny! Yup, heartless meanie I am! She fell one more time but I can't remember the details. So, with all this falling on her head, I am fully expecting her to turn out a little crazy. If that happens, remember you heard it here first!

M has started doing one thing that has made my life easier a whole lot. She holds the milk bottle on her own while drinking milk. And she drinks more if she holds it herself. With that our morning schedule has eased up a whole bunch as I just plop her in her high-chair, hand her the bottle and occasionally remind her "doodh pi lo!" (drink your milk) while packing lunches and preparing breakfasts. She even likes finger foods. Wants to eat by herself, and I ain't sayin' no! I try to give her as much finger food as I can. Sometimes it has to be spoon fed - like when it is dal-chawal or khichdi. M got introduced to mangoes this Saturday - May 24th. She loved the taste! That small mouth kept opening like a goldfish's to gobble those bite sized pieces up. We are currently in the process of switching her to whole milk from formula. Once we are done, she will also get a taste of mango milkshakes and I bet she'll love it! I have started giving her regular food with a little less spices. I want her to get used to the food that we eat so I am not taking out portions for her before adding spices. I just add less-than-normal spices and we are all eating the same food. S is definitely happy! M likes the taste of whole milk too - less fuss in drinking it. Keeping my fingers crossed.

She has suddenly developed a liking for pacifiers. Initially, if we tried to give her one, she'd spit it out in a rage. Last week, she found one in the basket that holds her nasal saline bottle, nasal aspirator and other random stuff. Popped it in her mouth and went cruisin'. Kept pushing it back in with the back of her wrist every time it dangled at her mouth, ready to fall off. But we aren't in a hurry to give her one if she has survived the year without them. Yes, we haven't thrown them out (we have at least 4 - none of them was bought by us. They were either given by the hospital or came free with some other stuff we bought) so she stumbles across one every now and then.

There's a lot more stuff that happened but I don't remember. I will record it here as and when I remember it.

Her first budday is coming up. We were swinging between no party and a little get-together. Finally we decided upon inviting just close friends and family to a simple get together. A small bunch of friends and cousins will gather on June 8th and spend a happy day together. And by small I mean about 27 adults and 18 or so kids. Yes, the list could have been at least double its size if we hadn't done some heartless chopping of names off of it. We'll just invite those other friends over for lunch or dinner on some other pretext. The reason behind keeping it small is that the last time we had a big get together, we invited about 120 people (including 35+ kids), 80 accepted the invitation and only 68 (including 25 or so kids) showed up. We had planned to have the party on the deck, which is fairly large. And the backyard is big enough for 30 odd kids to run around like crazy. The weather went severely bad on us on the day of the party - high, chilly winds - forcing us to take the party indoors. That wasn't fun. Cramming so many bodies inside the house may have been fun if we were all teenagers. We are not. So it wasn't. So I have learnt my lesson - invite only as many people as your house can accommodate without bursting at the seams. People have more fun if they aren't constantly banging into others or stepping on toes.

So that's that. My little baby turns one on June 5th and I absolutely have no idea where time flew. I still remember the day I went in for embryo transfer with crystal clarity. I don't remember the last 10 months. Well, I do but I still wish for more.

Do I HAVE to fit the mould?

I have this mega grouse. People expect me to fit a mould of their expectations. They have some preconceived notions of how a woman should look, behave and think. And they want to stuff me in that mould. Even if I don't fit, even if I am much more than just how I look. Then some have another mould ready for me - that of a mother. Being one, I am expected to have certain feelings, behave certain way (again), do certain things. Some well-meaning souls have a set of criteria ready for my older daughter and in time will want to implement it on my younger one too. After all, girls/women/females need guidance, no? They are pretty incapable of thinking for themselves, making good decisions and tend to be foolish.

Just recently, a female coworker told me how I look much better these days - what with my growing hair and resultant feminine looks. Is that all I am? Hair and looks? So, if someone were to see me in short, SHORT hair (as I usually like to keep them), would I look less feminine? Is feminity associated only with long hair?? More importantly, is feminity that important? Suppose you worked with me. Would it change your professional opinion of me if I cut my hair short? Or grew them long?

Dictionary.com defines "feminine" as "having qualities traditionally ascribed to women, as sensitivity or gentleness". I have further issues with this. 1) How does having long hair relate to sensitivity or gentleness? OK - this is just in context of the co worker's comment. Dictionary.com doesn't say this. 2) WHY are they considered feminine traits? Can't men be sensitive or gentle? My man is. Does that mean he is not man enough? Does he have to be aggressive and insensitive to prove himself as a man?

A few months ago I had another argument with another coworker. Not related to the recent "feminine" grouse, but I have been thinking about it and meaning to write about it here. She says I need to be more feminine (wear dresses, wear makeup, wear jewelry) so that my girls can learn it from me. Again - two issues.

1. WHY do I need to do all this (especially since I don't like to) to teach my daughters how to dress beautifully or apply makeup. Granted I don't know how to apply makeup, but they can learn from friends, no? How many of us learnt it from our mothers? I can get them the resources, or maybe even learn along with them - hey, no skill is small.

2. Why do they HAVE to grow up feminine? (This is the argument my coworker gave - they won't grow up feminine if I don't do all this because they won't have a role model). I am perfectly happy - in fact MORE happy - if they grow up to be tomboys. With no hangups about their looks or dresses or tresses. Leads to a simpler and less complicated life methinks.

I wouldn't discourage their choices. I will try to teach them to think for themselves before taking anything up. But if one of my daughters decides she wants to look pretty and all dressed up, I'll be glad that there is at least one female in our family willing to do so. Me? I can't be bothered to try to look feminine. I try to dress well. I like wearing jewelry and makeup occasionally. If I end up looking feminine and pretty, well BONUS! But I have been known to walk out of the house without lipstick and mascara. Or I should say - I have been known to occasionally walk out with lipstick and mascara ON. I usually go without.

So. After all this meaningless rambling, my only question is - why is pseudo-feminity such a big deal? By pseudo-feminity I mean feminity associated ONLY to looks and not the behavioral traits associated with it. What does it matter to you if I have short hair and look like a boy? Isn't it enough that I am kind, gentle and witty (or trying to be) and good at what I do professionally?

Another thing I have often thought about is something I have heard some women say, including my MIL. A girl should be ready to make sacrifices for her brothers or father (or family). By sacrifices they mean small gestures like saving the last piece of a sweet for the brother, or giving the brother/father the best piece and saving the not-so-good or downright unpalatable piece for herself. Giving up the TV remote for them. Or the Sunday comics. Putting them first, not thinking about herself. Or bigger gestures - like not having a mind or opinion of their own. Doing what the father/brother/elders say. Marrying the guy of the family's choice. Or NOT marrying the guy of their own choice. Being "homely". Giving up their own comfort for the comfort of others.

Well, it sounds great and idealistic, innit? Raising selfless daughters so they will spread sunshine and happiness where ever they go. But I am sorry - I ain't gonna do it. I am going to teach my daughters to be selfish. Not selfish as in "I want this and the rest of the world may go to hell". But selfish as in "I feel this is right for me so I am going to stand up for myself even if it might upset someone". Maybe this isn't selfishness. Maybe "headstrong" is the word I am looking for? Or it is just self-respect. When you have it, you know that there are certain things you shouldn't/wouldn't compromise on even if they made someone else upset. THAT is what I want my daughters to learn. I don't want to turn them into doormats.

This thought first entered my mind years ago when I only had S. M hadn't even entered my mind i.e. I hadn't even started planning a second baby. We were going to India to visit with family. The year was 2003. I and J had decided that I and S would first go to Jodhpur, where my brother, his wife and parents were going to meet me. Then after spending a week there, I would head to Indore for two weeks. Then I would visit my parents for one week again, this time in Dhar, M.P. where my mom was then stationed. My parents and brother had agreed to come down to Jodhpur because I wanted to go there - no trip is complete without going to "mharo pyaaro Jodhpur" (My lovely Jodhpur). I thought this was a fair deal. I was spending equal amount of time with both sets of parents, not a day more or less at either place. But my FIL thought otherwise. And he let my parents know this. Then my dad started pressuring me into changing my plan to go to Indore first as I was a bahu first and a daughter second. To cut a long story short, I lost all interest in going to India. I couldn't understand why anyone would have any problems with our plan as

1) J and I agreed upon it completely. In my opinion, if we are in agreement, no one else's opinion matters in this case.

2) We agreed on this plan because this involved least amount of traveling within India which is what you want when you are visiting just for 4 weeks.

Anyway, finally I did what we had planned all along, though not without arguments, debates, anger flare-ups and taunts. During this planning phase I told my mom once - I promise you, I am going to bring my daughter up to be very selfish so she doesn't have to go through all this EVER! Even today, I intend to do that. Well, not raise her to be selfish, but to raise her to be a headstrong woman. Who would be fair but not compromise on things just to make others happy - especially if those compromises make HER unhappy. My sister-in-law - my brother's wife - is one such woman. She is a kind, gentle woman, yet so sure about what she wants. She is headstrong and confident. I told her (and my mother) I want her to be my daughters' role model. Tell me - is there a potion I could give my daughters so they would grow up to be like that?

Livin' it up!

This (not so) hot mama has been livin' it up today. Went bar hopping with a few colleagues today. Had a great time and got a super duper buzz with just two glasses of red wine :P Now I do know when to call it quits - so I did after those two glasses and came back home. But not before buying Creme Caramel Ice Cream cone with a girlfriend from work.

Reason I am so chirpy about the great time I had? This was the first time I went bar hopping. Heck, this was the first time I sat at the bar and ordered a drink! Obviously I have led an oversheltered and overprotected life till now. But not any more. I went to India alone last month, and went bar hopping today. Who knows? I might get to do another thing that's on my list - live in an apartment alone. I hope to be able to do it once the kids leave for college, or at least once the kids are a little older. I don't want to run away. Just want to live in a separate apartment and go out with J in the evenings on mock dates :P Ya think I am asking for too much?

Oh yes - we are so buying a couple of motorcycles once the kids are in college! That has been my "retirement plan" for a long time.

Mad. Hoppin' mad.

I am mad at S' teacher. Its been slowly building up but now I am at a point where I am ready to explode. When S first got assigned to her class, we were happy. We had heard good things about this teacher. On the day of parent orientation, she seemed attentive and courteous enough. She asked each parent what their social and academic goals for their child were and she actually wrote the answers down in a small notebook. I thought "Wow! Here is someone who is not just talk". She even gave us her home phone number and encouraged us to call her in the evenings if we wanted to discuss something with her. And to be fair, she does take calls when we call her, and talks to us.

Even now I am only mad at her for just one thing. Otherwise I think she is a good enough teacher. From what S tells me, she has a sarcastic tongue and rolls her eyes at kids and is too opinionated about certain things - but that I am willing to live with if my child is learning well in her class and isn't being traumatized with all the eye rolling. In fact, S seems to be one of her favorite students so I don't have anything to complain about there.

Now a little background on why I am mad. The Norwalk school system has an "Academically talented" program in which kids who are considered "gifted" or capable of taking more challenges than other kids are instructed on something above and beyond the curriculum. Frankly I never cared if S got in this program or not. I thought she would get in on her own merit if she was good enough. But a few friends convinced me to at least talk to the teacher about it saying sometimes teachers wait for the parents to bring it up. That seemed kind of strange to me because if you have a program that has certain criteria one has to meet in order to get in then one should get in if they met the criteria irrespective of whether their parents talked to the teacher or not. Right? Apparently not so.

Anyway. I talked to Mrs. Z, S' teacher. And she gushed about how academically advanced S is and how she cannot imagine why S isn't in the AT program already and how some other kids who have no business being in the program are in there and how she WILL recommend S for the program this year. I told her I was not looking to get my daughter in at all costs, but I was just asking her for her opinion. She asked to look at the standardized test results for S from last year and I sent her a copy. She looked at them and said S indeed had achieved advanced level in math and writing but was on (the upper side of) the goal level (range) for reading and that is why she didn't get in the AT program (a child needs to be placed in advanced level for reading to qualify for the program). I knew that already. I told her I thought that if S had the potential to be in that program, then I thought I owed it to her to help her try and achieve it. If, after trying, she still couldn't get into the program, I'd be OK with the decision - she would have at least tried. If a little help is all she needed to get from goal level to advanced level in reading then I thought I should give her that help. Mrs. Z said she will work with S on her reading skills and she was confident S will improve her reading skills enough to become eligible for the program. She even started working with S on her reading skills initially.

In March, during the parent-teacher conference, Mrs. Z raved about how S' comprehension skills were so much better than most of the other students and how she was the only one to have correctly answered a few questions based on a particular passage while the rest of the class got it completely wrong. She said she was definitely going to recommend S for the AT program. I reminded her again that I wanted S to go into that program only if she was eligible because I definitely don't want her to be in a program which is above her level as that would stress her out more.

So all year long, every time we talked to Mrs. Z, she raved and gushed about how S was doing so well and yes, she was "AT material". Then, when I thought the deadline for recommending students to the AT program much be approaching, I called her and left her a message. She called me back to tell me she was waiting for the standardized test results for this year before she recommends S as she wanted to make absolutely sure that S' grades justified the recommendation. That was the first time I felt a little odd - hadn't she been saying all along that she WILL recommend S for the program? And I knew the results wouldn't be out until May or June by which time the deadline would have gone by. She assured me we would still have time.

Now, two days ago, I learnt that the deadline has indeed passed. So now even if Mrs. Z wanted to, (I am questioning her intentions now) she wouldn't be able to recommend S for the program. I left her a message citing all this (our past conversations and her recent stance on waiting for the results) and asked her why did she lead us to believe that S would be recommended for the program when she didn't want to? She called our home number a couple of hours back (and I am sure she did it on purpose - to avoid talking to me, otherwise she would have called me on my cellphone like she has done in the past for other issues. And I left my cell phone number for her in my message. Its her bad luck that J is at home today and received the call) and told J that she didn't recommend S because "her test results from grade 2 weren't good enough and now it is too late anyway". We already knew that. I'd rather not go into my theory regarding why her results weren't as good as they could have been because that would need another lengthy post. And that IS why we asked her to assess S' performance during THIS year to determine if she could qualify for the program. There IS such a provision in the regulations for doing this so we weren't asking her to go out of her way to do this. We just asked her to follow procedure. Also, I did ask her about the deadline and at that time she said we had sufficient time.

So all this has pissed me off terribly. I am not mad because S didn't get into the program. I was ready for that result. And as I said earlier, if S doesn't qualify for the program, I don't want her to be in it as it will only stress her out. I am mad because the teacher raised false hopes. She should have been straightforward in her stance from the beginning and should have told us she didn't believe S should be in the program. We would have respected her decision. Maybe, she really believed initially that S should be in the program and as the year progressed, realized otherwise. But in that case, she should have told me so during our last conversation on this issue (during the March parent-teacher conference). But her review of S' performance in that parent teacher conference led me to believe that S had improved her reading comprehension skills considerably. I talked to another friend whose daughter is probably better in reading comprehension than S and I found out that Mrs. Z did the same thing to her. I feel cheated. I feel like an ass who has been walking for miles in hope of getting a bite out of that carrot dangling in front of its eyes. That's exactly how I feel.

Old news. Still True.

I came across this in an email forward. I had read it before but today I wanted to inflict the pain on share it with others.

Bill Gates gave a speech at Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, CA in 2004 about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Of gracious hosts and such

I recently went to India for a VERY short trip. 6 days, including 4 days of transit time. The purpose was to surprise my parents for my mother's retirement party. I had told them I couldn't make it as I didn't want to bring the kids along in such heat and leaving them behind would be impossible. It turned out that leaving the kids behind was not all that impossible - J volunteered to take care of them while I visited my parents. So off I went after some hectic planning and involving many nice people to help me in this project. Another post on that later. For now, I just want to thank MadMomma and the OA for their hospitality. MM made space for me in her calendar on a WEEKNIGHT, picked me up from the airport, fed me good food, gave me a very stimulating company, even let the maids take care of the Brat and the Bean so she could keep me company. The gracious OA gave us company occasionally, joined us for dinner and then he and MM drove me to the airport. On our way there, we lost the way and had to stop and ask for directions (due to the darn construction and no detour signs). Poor OA was more worried than I was, of missing the flight. But they did drop me off in time and I had no problems at all boarding my flight.

The kids. What can I write about the kids that everyone doesn't already know? :) They are the sweetest kids I have ever seen. Bean came so willingly into my arms, I was taken aback. She doesn't see the monster in me that most babies see?? And the Brat was cute beyond words! MM, I am not big on words, but please know that if I knew how to use them, I would sing praises of your entire family for ages to come!

Thank you MM and OA, for your gracious hospitality, stimulating conversations, bhookhe ko bhojan and everything else you did to make me feel comfortable. I know I have made friends for life.

The first stanza always makes me cry

One of my mostest favoritest songs

Belated Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

Dear J,

You are the pillar of support I lean on whenever I feel weak. You are the shoulder I seek when I need to cry. I look for you when I need a laugh and I come rushing home when I have a funny story to share. You are the ONLY person I trust completely to look out for me and the only person on this earth I have any expectations from - because I KNOW you will come through!

It's been, what? 17.5 years now, since we have known each other? And 16 years since you gave me this song on a tape and said "Call me after you have listened to this". Even after 16 years this song makes my heart jump and melt and overflow with emotions with the same intensity it did the first time. Your smile still makes me go weak in the knees. My ears still strain to hear your laughter. My heart still aches whenever we have to separate even for 2 days (I'll miss you baby, this next week). I still remember how you took Lalit's (?) help in creating that card you gave to me (remember the card?). I had to leave that, and everything else that I cherished, behind when I came here with you. But having you is all I care about.

S wonders out loud at least once every week why you and I fight so much :) I don't know about you, but I don't mind these fights at all. I feel so comfortable with you that everything, even fighting and the making up afterwards, seems natural. I know you are the best dad these girls could have. And you are the best husband I could have ever hoped to find. But above all, you are my BEST FRIEND even after all these years.

Happy Birthday, Dahlin'.

And today, it is my turn to say "Call me after you have listened to this"!

Update: I told J to go to my blog and see this post. He did. He listened to the whole song with a smile. Then he asked me to get his cell phone - I thought he was calling a friend we had been talking about. A few moments later, my cell phone rang. It was J. He simply said "I heard the song and I love you too" and hung up. Right in front of my eyes! :D

Belated Happy Birthday, Ma!

It was my mom's birthday on April 15th. I am sharing a song here that used to be her favorite while I was growing up. She would ask me to sing it over and over.

Happy Birthday Ma! You know that this song comes straight from my heart, right?

Riddle-me-Ree, who can she be?

Greetings wonderful MTBs!!!
and good work to all of you!
For having solved the riddle before
I give you all this clue.

The letter " R "

Write it down, add it on...
And let's move on to the next little song.

“Her name opens a cave of memories
Her little one is her joy and pride
Little is more, she does believe
When she writes, its a joy ride
She is not a regular
But her wise words are bonafide
Who is she?”

Solve it and you get your lead
Misguess, and you lose your speed
Solve it slow but solve it now
And before you go, take a little bow

Go to 'Comments' and leave me a clue
Tell me which blog you are off to.
Good luck! Good luck! Be on your way.

You have your work, cut out for the day!

I finally figured something out

How to feel better about my current (lack of) hairstyle. Normally I keep my hair short. I prefer a boy's cut and believe that it looks infinitely better on me (than the current wild growth on my head) and also takes about 10 years off my age. I haven't been able to get a haircut since M was about 6 weeks old. We had taken her out of the house for the first time to a friend's place in NJ and since that is where my hairstylist has her salon, I got a haircut on that trip too. Haven't been able to get another haircut ever since - it IS a good 100 miles away. I simply haven't had the time or energy. We did go to NJ, but visiting with our friend and my cousin and grocery shopping took up all our time. And I have tried a lot of salons/hairstylists here - no one measures up.

So, anyway. I got this thought while driving to work this morning. I am going to grow my hair some more. And then I will donate it to "Locks of Love". Their website mentions that the hair needs to be at least 10 inches long, so it will be a long wait. My hair is already about 6 inches long (where it is the shortest), but I WILL need about 4 inches on my head too. So that means I need to grow my hair to a length of at least 14 inches. Well, at least now there is a purpose behind my shabbiness.

Why I am not scared of Barbie anymore

When I had my daughter, the older one, I was scared like many other mothers of little girls. Scared of the influence that Barbie was going to have on my little, innocent baby with her unrealistic proportions and the standards of beauty that she projected. My husband and I were also very worried about the influence that "American culture" would have on her if we stayed in this country. We came here with the intention of staying for 7-8 years and then returning to India. I didn't want to (for various unrelated reasons) but I was ready to make that sacrifice for the good of my kid.

American kids call 911 when their parents try to discipline them, we were told. And many other horror stories that involved drugs or sex or both. Statistics on teenage pregnancies and children born out of wedlock. We were adequately terrified of the culture we were stepping into.

Then we gradually met other people, made friends. A few among these had been in the US for a long time. Almost over 20 years. Some had grown kids. Some had teenagers. And when we saw some of these teenage kids, it was a shock to us. They were far better behaved and family oriented than the teenagers we had recently seen back in India! Slowly, after talking to these kids and their parents I realized that it was possible to impart my values to my kids even though the outside influence would be considerable. That is all I gathered. How to accomplish that? I had no idea. But over time I realized that the main key to keeping your child under your influence is communication. Good old "talking at the dinner table". And much much more talking than that. In the car on your way to school or swim practice, at bed time, during bath time, on lazy weekend mornings, and of course when your child wanted to talk to you. But this is just one part. Another is showing them through your actions what your values are. A small example. J & I don't curse. Well, almost never. Neither does S. She picked it up from us.

At first I was so against Barbies and the culture of narcissism they portrayed that I refused to buy any Barbies for S. One day, a friend excitedly told S that she had received a brand new Barbie as a gift. And S innocently asked "What is that?". The mother of her friend looked pityingly at me and said "Oh she doesn't have any?" I felt bad - for S. But I was used to such comments from parents when they'd just assume S didn't have something because we couldn't afford it.

Alert: digression ahead!

Once we went to a party where a lot of kids S' age (she was about 4.5 then) had been invited. She met a boisterous boy about a year younger to her and they got famously along. Here in the US when that happens, a mother's antennae promptly go up "BOING!!" with a "Play date alert". Which means - immediately get friendly with the parent(s) of the little kid your kid is having fun with so that you can setup play dates for them. So the boy's mother and I started talking. Casual conversation about how old is he/she, where was he/she born, does he/she go to preschool etc. During the conversation, the topic of TV viewing came up. I told her that S' TV time was severely restricted to a half hour of viewing every other day and none over the weekends. And that I didn't allow her to watch Cartoon Network or Disney channel. I was only comfortable letting her watch the public television programming for kids which I still feel is much better than these other commercial channels. (A separate post-worthy topic). She said "Oh my son's favorite TV show is 'The Wiggles' ". I knew who the Wiggles were and which channel the show was aired on (Disney) but as I said, I always felt "Dragon Tales" and "Arthur" (her favorite program at that time) were much better than "Teletubbies" or "The Wiggles" etc. Call it reverse snobbery but that is the way I felt. But I never snobbishly aired my views on this matter to other parents - to each her/his own, right? But this mom? She turns to me immediately after she declared what her son's favorite program was and goes "Do you know who the Wiggles are? Oh that's right! You don't get Disney channel!" and promptly turned her back to me and ignored me for the rest part of the party. (Or was it me who ignored her? Hmmmm...)

Needless to say, no play dates with that kid materialized. And I am still fuming, a good five years later, because I didn't get a chance to set the record straight with that mother (that we do get Disney channel, but I don't let my daughter watch it). Thank God for blogs! Therapy would have been costlier.

Digression over.

Anyway, so as I said, many parents just assume(d) that if S isn't allowed to do something it is probably because we can't afford it. I have learnt to tolerate this irrational deduction on their part. But at that time, when the mother wondered if S didn't have any Barbies because we probably couldn't afford to buy her one, it hurt like hell. I came home and discussed it with J. By that time I had cooled down. We decided we didn't want to buy her Barbies just because we were afraid of what people thought of us. So, life went on without Barbies. But not for long.

The "Barbie Home Invasion" began sometime when she was 4. I don't remember who gifted her the first Barbie - it was either J's friend who came visiting and brought a Mermaid Barbie with him or J's parents, brother and SIL who sent a sari-clad Barbie for her. Now I am not the kind who would return a lovingly bought gift if I don't want it. So we kept the dolls and even let S play with them occasionally. I think that was a good decision - S really had fun playing with them and wasn't as hung up on them as she would have been had she been deprived of them (I think). Slowly S started accumulating more Barbies. Gifts for her birthdays, return gifts at birthday parties and one or two purchased by her parents (**GASP**) for her. I felt as if everyone we invited for her birthday party went "Hmmmm. What would a little girl like? I know! BARBIE!!!!!" I wondered if it ever occurred to them that the little girl might also like a board game or two. Or a jump rope, or an Art set. Or books! Why not books? But Barbies it was - for two straight years! She now has about 20 Barbies. All safely tucked away in a carton that we packed them in when we moved to this house two years ago. She hasn't asked for them yet. We WILL bring them out when M is ready to play with them. By the way, when S was about 6 or 7, she officially declared to me "Mommy, I think I am over princesses. I don't like them anymore". Whew!!

It wasn't only Barbies that worried me sick. It was this whole culture of perfect bodies, perfect clothes, "daring" clothes, daring choices that scared me sh**less. Hearing stories about kids demanding expensive clothes, newest gadgets, latest toys and extreme privileges built up a trepidation in my heart about the coming years. "Peer pressure" became a four-letter word. I stressed out about S growing up to be like those other girls who were just preoccupied with themselves and their looks. Living for that next dress, or makeover party. Becoming a self centered kid, then teenager and then adult. What if she realized one day that we really can't make her do everything we want? All this terrified me.

Talking to other parents (of older kids), seeing them in action and seeing their kids kind of clarified things for me. I saw kids I was terrified S would turn into. And I saw kids I aspired for S to become. And I saw their parents. Compared them. I looked at my own childhood and tried to compare things. Tried to remember how my parents handled different things. It wasn't as if I sat down one day and created a spreadsheet. It was a continuous thing - always going on in my head. 24/7.

Slowly I realized there was no fixed answer. All the parents were the same - trying to do their best for their kids. Some just lacked the basic parenting skills. Among them, some were ineffective disciplinarians, some were so conflicted among themselves that their kids caught on to that and played them against each other, some were indulgent (more than they should have been) and some were so strict that their kids suffocated and were bound to rebel to break free one day. Well, how could I make sure I wasn't doing any of this? I couldn't. So there came a time when I chucked all the analyses and decided to -

1) Treat my kids as individuals (I have seen many parents make the mistake of not doing so and that gives rise to discontentment and future problems in the kids) and respect their feelings however trivial or silly they seemed to me

2) Be their parent and NOT their friend. Yes, I had to be friendLY so they wouldn't feel I was out to get them. But my job was to set limits and enforce them. To assign responsibilities and expect them to be carried out. To BE responsible and teach by example.

3) Go with the flow. I'd take each parenting challenge as it came and figure out how to deal with it.

I am still figuring things out. But I have found that talking helps (as I mentioned earlier). And saying sorry when I have hurt S' feelings definitely helps. And not yelling helps. Not being judgmental helps. I have noticed she comes and fesses up with me because I give her a fair chance. I never promise I'll not get upset if she tells me what she has done (yes, she has tried getting me to promise!) I just tell her that I will hear her out and then decide how to react. I do promise her that won't yell. Many times it has turned out that I actually didn't need to get upset. At times she had done something that did upset me and she faced the consequences for that (being grounded, having to write sorry notes, having privileges taken away etc.) But even at those times I told her how proud I was of her that even though she knew it would make me upset, she came to me and told me everything. After the first time it happened, I wondered if she would ever come to me again. To my surprise she did. Still does. I guess she is confident that I will hear her out completely before I make up my mind. And I think the thing that scares her the most is if I yell. As I have ruled that out of the consequences, she finds it easier to come to me and confess. I just keep my fingers crossed and hope she will continue to do so as she grows up.

Another thing I have learnt is to choose carefully what I am going to stress about. I have decided I will definitely keep on my toes where issues like drugs, safety, sex and education are concerned. I don't get worked up if she wants to apply lip gloss. I don't like it, but I still allow her. She still isn't allowed to wear it to school but she is allowed to "dress up" if we are going to some one's house. She isn't allowed to carry it with her so once it is gone, she doesn't reapply it (which means she is out there having fun and is not just concerned with how she looks all the time). She asked for bikini style panties once and I absolutely didn't want to let her buy those. She would have followed my "orders" but I let her buy them. She wore them for a few days and declared she didn't really like them because they weren't comfortable. That is what I want to develop in her. She should try things out and then use her head to decide if she wants/ likes it or not instead of following the herd. Well, the "try things out" strategy is definitely NOT for drugs and sex. It is fine for clothes and makeup and fashion trends.

I still worry about peer pressure and I know my only defense against that is to keep MY communication channels open with her. I know I can't be with her all the times. I have stiff competition ahead with her peers, specially as she goes into middle school. I am trying my best to give her the right foundation of values so when the time comes, she is prepared to handle the pressure. And I will keep letting her know that I am right here if she wants to talk, or if something goes wrong or if she just needs a sounding board.

That said, I also believe in teaching kids the age-appropriateness of various things. Like wearing thongs might be OK for me, but it isn't for her. Wearing makeup to work is fine for me, but she can't wear makeup to school. Along with age-appropriateness, I have also tried to teach her that different families have different rules and just because one of her friends is allowed to do something or has been able to buy something doesn't mean she will too. Her request will be evaluated based on our family's rules. (God! I sound so managerial :D)

I also believe in relaxing rules little by little as kids grow older. One example is of eating candies. S was not given any candy till she was 2.5 years old. When she started going to preschool, she discovered candy. Instead of taking it away from her and forbidding her from ever eating it again, I told her that she could eat one if she got permission from me or J first. She was allowed one candy on one day of the weekend. As she grew older, and her (good) eating habits became firmly established, I relaxed that rule little by little. Now she could eat a candy on alternate days IF she followed up by eating something healthy. And so on. These days she knows she can eat candy anytime but she also knows that she can't eat candy for lunch or dinner, and that she still has to follow up with a healthy snack. I never had to lock candies or put them high on a shelf even when S was little. I did put them away when she had friends came over because they didn't have the same level of discipline as S did. Even now, if you walk in our home, you will find candy filled containers on our kitchen counters. I hope I don't ever have to lock the candy away even for M. Because I believe not in restrictng them, but in teaching them to recognize the limits. Candy is just one example. I want this to be the case for every temptation in life they will come across.

There is a lot more to parenting and I am still figuring it out. Over the years I have learnt that kids usually imbibe values from their parents - even if they don't like to admit it. And that is my beacon of hope.

Now I have realized that my child will play with Barbie but she will pick up the subtle messages about a supposedly perfect body that Barbie is sending out only if I train her to listen to those. I didn't. So she doesn't. I have realized that it IS possible to let my daughter play with Barbies but keep her interested in outdoor games, math, science and scrabble. Barbie is just another toy for her - nothing more. So I have made my peace with Barbie, and Ken and other assorted Disney princesses and their respective princes. They can stay in my house and play with my kids, but its still MY house and MY rules!

TaDa!!

One tooth is beginning to peek out! This morning M grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth - right over the emerging tooth. It was as if she gave up waiting for her mom to put a probing finger in her mouth in search of new teeth and decided to declare the new arrival!

S got her first tooth the day she turned 10 months old. M got hers when she turned 10 months and a day. She followed her big sis in at least one thing. If this is any indicator of things to come (M following in S' footsteps) I can start relaxing right now :D My fear is that M is turning out too much like her mother.

Today is a big day for another reason - J and I celebrated our 16th "anniversary of togetherness". Today is the day he said "I love you" to me [for the second time]. Today we completed 16 years of that fabulous event. Yes, we still wish each other a happy anniversary on this day. We are that kind of romantics. We have stopped exchanging gifts. At least for as long as we have to pinch pennies to create a comfortable future.

Today was a whirlwind but I worked non-stop all evening to make sure I can get to bed in time. No such luck. While winding up the kitchen work, I noticed we didn't have warm water. Checked the heater and found out that the furnace wasn't working. That means no hot water, no heat. No can do - specially if the temperatures are still dipping at night. So we called the 24 hr. service number (around 11:15 pm) and they said someone will be over in a couple of hours. Well, it is 11:45 pm and he is already here. I like this kind of service! Will know in a few minutes if we will have heat and hot water for the night or if they are going to need to come back. Never a dull moment around here!

The visit with ENT specialist went well too. He said M still has fluid in her ears but the infection is gone. So, now we will watch her for signs of further infections. He said if she gets another infection within the month, he will talk to me about tubes. I asked him what is the minimum age for a baby to be a candidate for ear-tubes. He said he has put them in babies as little as 5 months old. He also said that for a baby her age, she hasn't had too many ear-infections. In other words, this many ear infections are normal in a baby her age. Well, that's funny because I don't remember S getting even a single ear infection at this age. The first one she had was at the age of 2.5 years (I think) and till date she has had about 2 or 3 maximum. What makes a baby extra vulnerable to ear infections? Just wondering.

This week has started with a bang - M gets her first teeth, we celebrate an anniversary, M goes without an ear infection for the first time in the last month or so (keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed :P I hope I haven't spoken too soon). Rest of the week seems promising too. J goes to NYC again for training from Wednesday to Friday. So I'll be doing The Juggle again. Friday is J's birthday. Looking forward to that even though I haven't a clue what I am going to get for him.

S and I went to the supermarket last weekend. While coming back, during conversation regarding my forgetfulness, S said "You could lie to dad about something and he'd believe you". I said I don't like to because 1) I just don't feel comfortable lying to him. A marriage should be based on trust and 2) if he catches me in a small lie, he might not trust me again for anything. I told her I wouldn't want to lose him over that. She says "You know, I love him more than you do". I said "How could that be possible?" She says (well I helped her in this deduction, but anyway) "I have loved him all my life while you have only loved him half your life". She has a point!

Raising two girls, and a muddle of other thoughts

I wanted my first-born to be a girl. I was very clear about the reasons too - I had seen that women who were first-born (including me) were more independent and more confident. While women who had older brothers were kind of dependent and not that confident about their abilities to survive alone. I can count at least 5 examples of each kind just among close friends and family. Sure there are exceptions, but this is what I have generally observed. Of course it might be my own perceptions that have tainted my view in these matters. It might be a coincidence that I know enough women who fall in both categories or maybe due to the fact that older brothers are protective of their little sisters and hence the girls grow up in their brothers' shadow. And I am not saying one scenario is any better then the other - I just wanted my daughter to be like me. Independent and confident. And there was an added element of the rebel in me wanting to dash the ego of certain members in the family who were confident that the first-born in the Kay family is always a boy :P

I was not very particular about the second one either. A boy would be good, but so would a girl. I actually felt like the person who hasn't had any sleep for 6 days and when he finally gets to sleep, he doesn't care if he is sleeping on a silk sheet or a soft, 850-count Egyptian cotton sheet. I was so starved for a second child that I had absolutley no preference. I and J talked about it once during my pregnancy and both agreed that it would be a nice experience to have a boy this time but a girl would be equally loved and cherished. And now I look at M and cannot even imagine how this family would have looked if she had been a boy. Not too different, I think. But I do feel a twinge of regret. Now I can't show my friends that I would have taught a son to cook and clean. That a son can be as sensitive and caring as a daughter. That a son would listen to me as much as my daughter does - not because of his gender, but because I would raise him that way. All wrong reasons to want a son, I know :P On the other hand, I can show them that I am really happy to have a second daughter. That I am not mourning the birth of a second girl. And that two daughters complete a family as well as a daughter and a son or two sons would. Also, I firmly believe -

"My son's my son, till he got him a wife

My daughter's my daughter all her life"

Don't remember who said that, and couldn't find them on Google either. But these sure are some words of wisdom!

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, there is this 19th century thinking lurking that my daughters would have to leave me when they get married. But then I come back to reality. My parents have a son, but he lives in another state because of his work. J is away from his parents because of his work. In today's times, with the world becoming a global village, people are moving oceans away for work. There is no guarantee that your sons will stay with you when they grow up. And with time, the social taboos of living with a daughter are crumbling - so there is a high possibility that your daughter and son-in-law could come to live with you. Actually, I have already started my evil planning for this :D A few days ago I told S that when she gets married, she and her husband should come live with us.

But I am telling you - this parenting is a heartbreaking business. You invest everything you have - money, emotions, heart, mind - in bringing up your kids. These kids grow up, find someone they love, find a job, get lives of their own. Sure they love you, but they have lives of their own. That is the circle of life. And you are left behind with just memories. Even if you are lucky enough to have your kids close to you, they still are seperate entities now and no longer just an extension of you. How does one get used to that?

Child labor: Is there a solution?

Some time ago, I got a comment from BinaryFootPrints asking if I'd like to help her spread the word about the evils of child labor. "Why, definitely!" I said. But here we are, almost a month later, and no post from moi on the topic. Various reasons have contributed to this tardiness. With everything that has been going around, I haven't had a chance to write about it. Sure I have written long posts on how the baby is and how we are coping and all that meaningless stuff, but this required some thought and effort. So I kept putting it away. Then I realized that I didn't have to research the topic exhaustively to spread word about it! I just had to write how I feel about it. And maybe point the readers to other such posts. Simple, huh? And I am wondering why I couldn't have had this light-bulb moment any sooner :D Anyhoo - without further delay...

First, read this post by BinaryFootprints on the subject. I have read other posts too but don't remember exactly where to find them.

I have heard the argument that it is better to give these kids a cushy job in your house because otherwise they will go find jobs that are more taxing or unhealthy. Well, sorry but I don't buy that argument. If household chores were really that cushy, you would have been doing them yourselves and even would have had your kids doing it. Yes, I know you are pressed for time and so are the kids. So, I understand the need for hiring a maid. But please, PLEASE don't insult my intelligence by saying you are doing these kids a favor when you hire them. You probably hire them because you can pay them less and get away with it. And you can boss them around more than you could boss a grown man or woman around. Maybe, just maybe, you hire them because you couldn't find someone else. In that case, I'd say make time to clean up your own house, wash your own clothes (really how much time does it take to do it with a good washing machine?), assign chores to your family members. I grew up watching my mom get up at 5:30 am, sweep and wipe the floors, wash dishes, cook TWO meals (one for the tiffins and another for "lunch" that we had when we came back from school) and leave for work by 7:30. My dad helped out. We all pitched in. It was never considered by mom's task alone. They washed the clothes on Sundays. Dad would tidy up around the house before leaving for work. He would cook rice or make rotis before leaving if my mom asked him to. So I know it CAN be done. If you really care for these kids, maybe you could sponsor education for one of them. But that would mean giving without getting anything in return, wouldn't it?

I have heard arguments that the kids can be taught to read and write at home while also earning a living. Really? Is reading and writing enough for being "educated"? That is called being literate - not educated. How about math and science and even language? So, again - do not give me these lame excuses for hiring young kids.

Needless to say - I am touchy about this issue. I didn't realize I was this touchy. And at the same time I realize I haven't addressed the real issue yet. I have just ranted on the reasons people give for hiring young kids. And I don't know where to begin on this issue. Hiring kids as domestic help is just a teeny-tiny part of the whole issue. How about shopkeepers and other businessmen who hire them? How about other businesses (and the sweatshops that we hear about)? Well, we have to start from somewhere, right? And in my opinion, the only way to eradicate this is by killing the demand. If there is no demand for child workers, the supply will itself dwindle away. But is it that easy to implement? First of all - not everyone feels it is a wrong thing to do. Second - how about those families that need every member to work in order to survive? We can make any number of laws and this problem still won't go away. There HAVE been laws - what did they accomplish? We can pay these families money so they wouldn't send their kids to work and would send them to school instead. We did it. But that didn't work either.

To the parents who are so poor that they need every hand in the family to earn a living (even though I know they will never read my blog) I'd say don't bring children in this world if you can't afford to feed them and provide them a decent education. Really - we need to spread that message around. Don't procreate if you can't provide. [Heh! Did I just make a slogan?? :P]

Unfortunately, all I can personally do about this (being where I am) is blog about it. When we lived in India with my husband's family, we did hire a young boy who must have hardly been a day over 9 years. I didn't like it but at that time I had no say in such matters. I don't know if I'd have been able to do anything if we had stayed in India but I do know that in 12 years of marriage I'd have finally gathered courage to create a stink about it. Yeah, seems hypocritical then that I am writing this post. But times change a person and now I am not who I was then. If we had been living on our own, I would have definitely never hired a child as domestic help.

For a brief time J's mom hired a maid who used to bring her daughters along to help her. But one special thing I just realized about this mother-daughter trio is that the daughters went to school and helped their mom only after returning from school. I am expecting brickbats for saying this but I'll say it anyway. I think that is commendable on the mother's part that she was atleast sending them to school. That she brought them along to help her lessens her "crime" in my eyes.

I have no idea how to help the kids in sweatshops and quarries. Like Binaryfootprints said - we can start by spreading awareness about it. Maybe that won't eradicate this practice completely, but it would at least make some people rethink. That would be a start, wouldn't it?

So, I think... 40% of the time???

Caught this bug from Suki. It's fun! Try it. Your Thinking is Concrete and Random

You are naturally inquisitive and curious. You're excited by new ideas, and you are a true independent thinker. You are interested in what is possible. You like the process of discovery. You are often experimenting, challenging old ideas, and inventing new concepts. Rules, restrictions, and limit don't really work for you. You have to do things your own way, and you can't be bothered to explain yourself.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

You Are 60% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.

Are You A Lady?