Again. Much whining and cajoling/ cuddling happening in the Kay household. Next week we will enter "Expander Hell". Will update about how that goes.
In other news, the baby is a lazy bum and isn't making even a tiny bit of effort to turn over or to crawl. Not that I am worried because that means we aren't running after her every single minute of the day. Thanking my stars here!
S has a concert at school today. She has been getting Violin (strings) lessons since last year. There will be two performances - one in the morning for the entire school and one in the evening for the parents of kids who are performing. The letter that came home from her music teachers (yes, she has two - one for the "regular" stuff and one for strings) said the "preferred attire" was black/ dark colored skirt and blouse or a dress (NO trousers). That raised my hackles. Why? Read on.
Last year we purchased THREE dresses for S on her teacher's demand for the various school plays that she participated in with the rest of her class. Now, S has recently lost interest in wearing skirts and dresses and prefers trousers and jeans. As a result, those three dresses are just hanging in her closet, gathering dust. We don't mind buying her clothes but we cannot just buy dresses on demand specially when she doesn't even wear them. These demands for dresses were so specific as to what the dresses should look like that S couldn't use any of her existing dresses for the purpose. And money doesn't grow on the tree for us, you know. For me, to buy three dresses each worth $30 or more, is very difficult financially. That is money we could use on something else. Some moms borrow dresses from friends but I can't do that. I simply cannot borrow clothes from anyone - that's the way I am. Thats the reason I don't shop at consignment stores even though one can find some really beautiful clothes for reasonable prices there. I don't do second hand clothes. I just don't.
So, this time I made a tough decision. I decided I was going to ignore the teachers' instructions and dress S in formal black trousers instead of formal black skirt or dress. I can't tell you how terrified that girl was of being yelled at by her teachers! I wrote a letter to the teachers just so S wouldn't have to face their anger. this is how it went:
Hello Mrs. G and Ms. J,
S is dressed in trousers instead of a dress or a skirt because she doesn't
have a black/dark dress or a skirt that's the right size. She asked us to buy
one but we refused because we cannot afford to buy dresses on demand for every
school play or concert she participates in. Last year we had to buy
three!
She is terrified she will be yelled at but I have assured her that you
will see reason. She has taken full care to dress formally in black trousers for
the concert.
Thank you very much for understanding the situation she is in through no
fault of hers.
Sincerely,
Cee Kay
(xxx)xxx-xxxx
Mother of S Kay
Room# XXX
I then called the parent co-ordinator at S' school and talked to her. She agreed that I had done the right thing and that I should bring this issue up at the next PTO meeting if I don't hear back from the teachers. I have heard from other parents how difficult it is for them to come up with new clothes fulfilling these demands. I am surprised that no one has spoken up!
I am waiting to see how they react. S asked me how she should respond if they still yell at her and I told her that she should be respectful and listen to whatever they say (they are her teachers, after all). THEN she needs to come tell me and I'll take it up with them if the need arises. I am optimistic that they won't be upset. We'll see what happens...
Update: I spoke to S when she returned from school and she said her classroom's assistant didn't pass on the letter to the music teacher saying "She has put in so much effort for this concert, let's not give it to her today". WTF?? Who is she to decide when I can communicate with the music teacher and when not?? I left her a slightly annoyed voicemail saying I was a little upset because I did want the music teacher to get my letter today and respond. Another thing that annoys me is that S is so scared of her teachers' reaction (even though they didn't say anything to her at school today) that she has decided to wear another, kind of dull, dress to the concert. She knows that she looks better in the trousers and top that she wore this morning but she still wants to wear that plain dress. A friend at work asked me why didn't I force S to wear the trouser and top. Thats because I want her to make her own decisions. But this decision, I know, she is making because she is terrified of her teachers and I don't want her to base her decisions on her fear for someone else either. Does that make sense?
I know what you mean. Last year we bought a dress for $120 for Bubbly's dance performance and it is just hanging in her wardrobe after she wore it for a few minutes on that day. I am like you when it comes to clothes, I just can't buy/borrow second hand clothes. I agree with you that the assistant shouldn't have interfered.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the teacher's assistant (what is that btw) should not be the one making decisions as to when the teacher (for whom the letter is intended in the first place) should read the letter or not. I think it's legit that you get mad.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, it is hard for me to write this, my mother was sort of like you and because of certain decisions she took regarding similar stuff you mention in this particular post about clothes and such I would often be the outcast. Because my parents believed so much in standing up for the right thing while other parents never brought up similar issues their children were facing as well...but then that was India and this is America so I am sure things are a little different than they were there way back when. Though I would not want to hurt my mother by letting her know, it is true somewhere in my heart I still feel bad about it so many years later and hold a little grudge. I promise myself never to do that to my children but then I am not a mom yet and I am sure its a completely different ball game altogether to be one and manage all these things.
Oh come on CK, give S a break. I was terrified of some teachers. Some kids won't raise their voices.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, wtf was that assistant thinking!?!
Yes - the teacher's assistant had no business determining whether it was the "right time" or not in passing on your letter to the teacher. It was not her decision to make.
ReplyDeleteOn the issue of why S is so scared - another reason probably could be peer pressure. It is not as much fear that rules but to a great extent also the fact that children don't want to stick out like a sore thumb among all their friends. It has happened with Appu too. They know the pressures we are under - but at the same time - being kids - a part of them wants to be a part of the consensus at school too.
Now the question that arises is - if so - why don't they come and tell us as much - that they want to dress in a particular way because all their friends are dressed that way ? Won't we understand ?
From what I've figured out with Appu and the conversations I've had with her over such issues - part of them wants to dress the same as their friends while at the same time they don't want to come out in the open and tell their parents that peer pressure is the reason why they don't want to swim against the tide.
Its more like - I know it is peer pressure but I dont want to give you the impression that I'm "giving in" to something.
I don't know if I've managed to communicate what I'm trying to say effectively CeeKay.
Being a parent is not easy - but there are times when I feel that being a child is no less easier. There is a balancing act being played out all the time.
Did the school say ' NO trousers' or did you infer that from dark skirt or dress? I ask, because my son who is 8, plays for a Symphony orchestra and the concert attire specifically say the girls have to wear a black blouse and black trousers - specifically trousers - because the stage is at a certain height and girls wearing skirts can be a dodgy proposition.
ReplyDeleteThe teacher assistant ( is she an aide in the classroom?) was way out of line obstructing your communication with the music teachers and were I you, I would definitely take this to the Principal's attention.
No, I don't think you are overreacting at all. I guess I will have to post on this very same subject with a bit of a variation. Stick to your guns and tell the kiddo that she should NEVER be afraid of teachers, that she just needs to have her argument ready as long as it is justifiable and reasonable. I taught Mini-me that long ago.
ReplyDeleteCeekay - good for you that you took a stand, and really wtf was the assistant doing? But I can understand S's fear. When I was in school, we had to wear short little wool skirts in winter. Since I was asthmatic, every year dad would speak to the school and get me permission to wear trousers. Believe me, I was NOT grateful that my knees weren't turning blue with the cold. I hated looking different from the other kids and felt like I was outside the circle. It's ok, S will figure out her own way when she grows up.
ReplyDeleteEveryone: Thank you, thank you, thank you!! In my usual style I had been feeling guilty of creating a mountain out of a molehill after I left the message for the assistant teacher and put up this post :D Your views encouraged me that I am at least not wrong in getting ticked off that my letter was not given to the music teacher today.
ReplyDeleteSines and Gauri: I believe you are talking about the same thing here, albeit from opposite perspectives. Sines, you are talking from the perspective of a daughter while Gauri you speak as a mother. I really appreciate both your views and essentially agree with them too. I understand that sometimes it is better for our kids if we let them follow their peers and at the same time it is a very difficult job to make sure they aren't too influenced by their peers in wrong matters.
Sines, haven't we all been there as kids? :D I can remember at least a few incidents off the top of my head that are similar to what you said. I didn't impose my wish on S and she ultimately did wear the dress that she wanted. What bothered me was that she wore it not because she wanted to (she agreed the red top and black trousers looked more sophisticated) but because she was afraid of her teacher. And I do understand that - but it still annoyed me. I know - mean mama!!
Gauri: you did convey your thoughts clearly, and thanks for that! I really appreciate another mom's view on this specially since you are in the same boat as far as the age of our daughters goes. Yes, it is tricky to balance between standing up for what we believe in and letting our kids try to blend in. I spoke with S today and she accepted that she wore the dress out of fear for her teacher. And she has promised she will talk such issues out with me in future. I'll try to do my bit by keeping the communication open.
GGOP: :D Yes I know many kids are afraid of their teachers. Had I been in this situation, I would have been too. I do feel bad that I put S in a tough situation but now I am hoping that everything will be sorted out. But I do really want her to stick to her guns - respectfully.
ReplyDeleteMahavishnu: The letter didn't say "No Trousers" for girls but it said "Skirt and blouse or a dress". And S told me the teacher said "buy a dress" when a girl said she doesn't own a dress becasue she usually wears trousers and jeans. Only the Cellists (did I spell it right??) were allowed to wear trousers. I did count 5 girls (out of nearly 30-35 girls) who came dressed in trousers/capris tonight.
Lumi: An insightful comment as always !! That is EXACTLY what I want to teach S. To stick to her guns with a justifiable and reasonable argument and to do it respectfully. I understand that for a 9 year old, who is borderline shy (:P) it is a tall order, but we are working on it. Please do write a post on this - will be great help to moms like me.
Bird's Eye View: Really, it helps a LOT when I hear the child's perspective. One thing that I am afraid of is forgetting how I felt and what MY issues were when I was a child. I want to remember that so that I can help S through her troubles and issues.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you on the second hand clothes thing. I don't do that either...
ReplyDeleteI think it's pretty unreasonable for the school to expect you to buy stuff three times a year that S is never going to wear again. Maybe you should raise it in the PTO - even if stuff has to be bought, it should be stuff that the kids can use otherwise as well
Your posts always scare me a bit and make me realise that life is so much easier right now, in spite of all my cribbing... hope I can deal with issues as rationally and with as much grace when the time comes.
That was a really dicey situation...but what a nice wise mom you are :)..really nicely handled..you make your point but you let S go as well..
ReplyDeleteCouldnt make out if the teacher got your note ultimately...but please do ensure that it reaches her..it will avoid a lot of the confusion in future and help out other kids as well..
Hee hee...CK, I think I was like S when I was a kid :) I thought the teacher's words were something direct from heaven :D and I would insist that her words be followed to the tee.
ReplyDeleteI remember my Mom getting angry on such trivial things too :) and I think, once she even complained to her at the Parent-Teacher meet that I take her words on the face value and want to do them exactly as said.
CK,
ReplyDeleteLike a poster said above, I agree actually trousers are really more safe for young girls to wear on stage.
Heartcrossings had a nice series - you may enjoy and relate to it
(look for the Stardom Week series in the right hand side toolbar)
http://heartcrossings.blogspot.com/
what was the assitant thinking? what if had been some very crucial information.. this is a serious matter CeeKay. Take it to the principal. And trousers should eb just fine for a recital. I don't think we live in a society now where trousers are formal wear for girls/women. It's crazy to demand clothes like this.
ReplyDeleteHoping expander hell is not as bad as it sounds.
wow CK - brave of you to take the stand and I hope the assistant will get an earful from you. S really is very obedient child and understands the reasons behind her parent's decisions. That is great.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your lazy bum... she will make you all run after her like anything in no time :-)
Good luck to S with the explanders. Not fun.
~AP
Makes a lot of sense. Most of the time parents give in and incur the extra unnecessary expense so that their child is not singled out or face the displeasure of teachers.
ReplyDeleteBut if one parent takes the lead and speaks out there will be a lot more who will chime in.