Living it up...

..at the Great Wolf Lodge in Pocono Mountains, Pennsylvania. This trip is a birthday present for S but much needed for the entire family. Baby M (who isn't a baby any more, by the way) can't stop skipping. S gets her own room den. We have rented the Wolf Den Suite. What fun!! Photos to follow.

Happy Halloween everyone!!

Happy Birthday mah dahlin'

11 years ago, at this moment (in India) I was in the labor room. Eagerly straining waiting to see if I'll get my wish - a baby girl. I did!

Happy birthday darling. May you live to be... a hundred and three... and many more, many more....

I still miss you...

It's been a year, but is there a limit on mourning? Or a way of doing it? I have been quite easy on the mourning rituals. Celebrated some occasions (S' birthday, J's 40th birthday, M's birthday) and didn't celebrate others. I went with what my gut told me - if I felt sad upon thinking of celebrating an occasion, I didn't. Mostly because it was connected to you somehow. Like Diwali and Holi. You enjoyed celebrating them. I didn't feel like celebrating them with you gone. Even now, when the year is up, I am ambiguous about celebrating them. They probably won't be the same now. When you were alive, even with you thousands of miles away, festivals felt like festivals. I have often wondered how, when a loved one leaves us, the whole world seems empty. It didn't matter that you lived thousands of miles away and I got to see you only once every two years. You were here. Now you aren't. And the world seems empty.

On the positive side, I am not so afraid of dying anymore. I believe I will meet you when I do. And any place that you are in, couldn't be scary, right?? So I am not afraid of the other side any more.

I miss you.

You say to-may-to, I say....

po-to-to! No matter how hard mommy tries to get me to say to-may-to, I still call it po-to-to. We'll see who gives up first. Don't tell mom, but I think she is secretly enjoying this mispronunciation because I don't see her making that much of an effort to correct me either. Ah, but I take after her in stubborn-ness too. Maybe that is why she has kinda sorta given up on teaching me such things. Or maybe she thinks I am too little to be burdened with formal learning. I'll show her!! I already went ahead and learned to count from 1 to 8 all on my own. That should teach her not to underestimate me!

I know she stopped typing updates on me. Lazy bum!! Nothing gets done around here if I am not around to do it. That reminds me - mom and dad have been on my case recently. They just don't get it that I need to do everything by myself. Even if I can't actually do it. Like, opening a door. I haven't quite mastered the act of twisting the door knob to open the door but who wants to worry about silly details anyway?? I want to open the door myself and that is final!! Now, if you try to be helpful and open the door for me, I am NOT going to be responsible for your eardrums. OKAY? Okay!

By the way, don't you say anything about my hair - or lack thereof. Mom and dad are into things like mundan-shundan. Sigh!! I do miss my silken curly locks and that is why I used to pester nani to make my "choti". She was the only one who could get it done. Mom dad keep telling me I need longer hair for a choti but nani never made a fuss. She would strategically place a rubber band on my head and if I walked carefully, the rubber band stayed on my head and I looked really pretty. Once nani even put two rubber bands around my ears and boy, did I look pretty!!!!

Speaking of nani - she is THE BEST PLAYMATE ever!! And the best copy-catter! We played in the backyard together and I will forever cherish those times. I usually took the lead (you see, nani is a little shy) and showed her what to do and how to do it. She would promptly follow me. She is a quick learner for sure! We made up this game... well, actually I did. See, there is a rock in the far corner of our backyard. I made up a game - I would climb that rock and make weird faces and sing incomprehensible songs. The rule was that nani had to copy me exactly. She usually did, and even if she didn't who cared!! We had fun and that was all we cared about. Now nani has gone back to "Indie" :(( I miss her terribly even though I don't exactly know that that is what's happening to me. All I know is I feel weird and kinda cranky. I do sometimes ask about her but generally I busy myself with other things. She is back in Indie, I hear, and keeps asking about me. But so far I have refused to talk to her because I am mad at her for leaving. I suggested so many alternatives to her but she didn't listen. Every time the topic of her going back to Indie came up I helpfully told her "Roti banao" (make roti) or "neechey jao" (go downstairs - to play on the computer) - but she didn't listen to me :( Anyway - I understand. I just choose to be cranky about it.

Uh-oh!! Gotta go! The phone was ringing and mom picked it up without waiting for me to bring it to her. Gotta go throw a tantrum! Toodles!!

(Guess who? ?)

Are we teaching our kids only half the lesson?

Scene from about 10 years ago:

A little boy, about 4 years old, is sitting in the kitchen with a glass of milk in front of him on the dining table. His young aunt is sitting there too, with her glass of milk in front of her. They are about to see who can drink their milk fastest. Aunt picks up her glass and starts sipping her milk. The little boy protests "You can't drink faster than me! I want to be first". Aunt replies "So why don't you start drinking your milk?" The boy doesn't want to. Aunt says "You have to drink faster to be first. I am not going to slow down just so you can win." The little boy doesn't get this logic. Till now everyone he has competed with, has lost to him. They have even pretended to cry upon losing. The aunt would have none of that. You either drink fast or you lose. If you sit with your glass of milk in front of you, I'm not going to sit with mine waiting for you to begin! The boy cries. His mom is fuming and eventually tells him "Okay you can defeat me in milk-drinking competition. Let kaki (aunt) drink her milk". Matter ends.

I was that heartless aunt. J's nephew, the little boy. I was trying to teach him that in order to win at something we have to put in our best efforts. Maybe my timing was wrong, or the method needed improvement. I know for sure that I needed more support from the rest of the family in teaching him these things.

Even today, 10 years later, I see parents rushing in trying to make sure their kids excel at everything. Not too long ago, I wrote about a dad's valiant efforts to prevent boys facing defeat from a girl. I saw a parent fretting over their kid's presentation on the school's stage and watch them mouth the kid's lines in a play (isn't it amazing that they took the time to learn ALL the lines? I couldn't be arsed!) to prompt her to do better. What's wrong with that, you say? Well, teaching your kid to say her lines properly is one thing. Sitting in her face, prompting her for every effing line, with actions, while the play is in progress? I am sorry but this is stretching things a bit too far. Let her screw up a few lines for goodness' sake! Let her taste failure, disappointment. Because only then will she get the determination to do better the next time. And who knows? She might surprise you by remembering exactly how to say the lines. She won't gain confidence until she does it all on her own. Be there to help her. Teach her. Learn with her. But when the time comes, let her do what she has to do. Sit back and enjoy the show. Literally. If she messes up, fine! Make note of her mistakes and discuss them later. At home. NON accusingly.

It raises my hackles to see parents and teachers trying to make every kid feel special at any given event. "We all are winners for participating in this event". "There are no losers. Only winners". "You all are winners for making the effort". WTH??? I get it, I do, that kids should be encouraged for merely participating in an event. Winning ain't everything. But what about the poor winner (never thought I'd use the words "poor" and "winner" together) who put in extra efforts, who perhaps practised his/her butt off before the event? Don't put the losers down but at least show some appreciation for the winner(s)! It is this mentality of making everyone special that gets my goat. Yeah everyone is special. I am not denying that. But if someone made an ounce of extra effort and stood out among those special kids, please do make a little bit of song and dance about it. The poor sucker spent time and effort at getting better than other kids at something!

What I am afraid of is that these very kids, whom we are trying to help develop a healthy self esteem, will grow up to be over-confident brats with ginormous, inflated egos who think they can never lose because... well because they are specail! And when life serves them one of its lessons? When they lose out to someone a bit more deserving? Or even someone less deserving? (because that does happen) They will be devastated because failure will be an unkonwn territory for them. They wouldn't know how to overcome something they have never experienced or even dreamt about! THAT is why I think we parents owe it to our kids to let them taste a little bit of failure. We need to make our kids realize that life isn't always fair. Not everyone gets candy and a certificate at the end. And even if failure beats you down, you HAVE to get up. brush off your clothes and get back in the frigging fight!

And it isn't about only winning. It is also about learning from your mistakes. Improvement. If I step in and correct every mistake my child makes, how will she ever learn to check her own work and correct it if needed? At the event I wrote about in the beginning (play, parent mouthing lines), S forgot to bring along a printout of her lines for the play. I told her to figure out what to do. She said she'd ask her teacher if she could take another printout. They did have some time. I thought even if the teacher got upset at S for forgetting her lines, it would be a good lesson for her to learn. The teacher didn't get upset and just printed out the lines for her again (I guess she is more used to such things, being a fifth grade teacher). I think S did learn a little lesson. Two, maybe. One - to remember such things, and two - to figure out a solution instead of panicking.

All around me I see efforts being made to help kids succeed at everything. Nothing's wrong with that. My only grouse is that nobody is teaching them to lose gracefully. Unless you fail at something, you cannot learn to be graceful in the face of defeat. And unless you do so, you can't learn the WHOLE lesson that life has in store for you. If they fail, we rush in to heal their broken ego with kind words, telling them they are a winner for even trying. That winning or losing doesn't matter. All that matters is that one tried. All valid lessons in themselves, really. But not once do we tell them gently "Next time try a little harder and I am sure you'll get better at this thing." We are selling mediocricy so kids' feelings don't get hurt when they are 2nd or 3rd or 15th in the race. What is worse, we are not teaching them that more important than winning or trying is improving oneself. Doesn't matter that you were 12th in the race this time. If you practice, you might be 10th the next time. That will be an improvement. THAT is what matters.

God must be five years old

Only a five year old thinks seeing people get hurt is fun.

Only a five year old thinks seeing people fall and stumble is fun.

Only a five year old thinks piling muck on someone is fun.

Only a five year old thinks piling more muck on a mucky person is fun.

Only a five year old pokes you in the ribs and laughs when you grimace.

Only a five year old can repeatedly forgive you for hurting him/her.

Only a five year old doesn't demand respect and still helps you when you ask for help.

Only a five year old can love you unconditionally.

Yep. I think God IS a five year old!

This is for you, bro!

I am SO VERY proud of you!

With friends like this...

I got the much needed haircut this past weekend (yay!!!) I go all the way to New Jersey to get the darned haircut. I told GND my plans for the weekend in an email exchange on Friday. She asked me not to tell her if I decide to eat at Khaasiyat or Saravana Bhavan while I am in NJ. I did eat at Saravana Bhavan. Idli, Dosa and yummy Philter Kaapi. Well, since I am such a considerate friend, I won't tell her. 

I'll blog about it here instead.

And leave her a link.

Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!

Happieee... deeey

as you say it, my not-so-little-anymore little one! Or, in our words, Happy Birthday. 

You are two today. You are fun. You are active. You are headstrong. You are a pleasure to have around except when you decide to be utterly disagreeable to anything and everything. Then you want to have nothing to do with us, and we are only too happy to oblige. Then, when you have had some time to yourself, you revert to your happy, sunny self. Or maybe not. I can't believe how chilled out we have become as parents! Your tantrums in public places don't embarrass us, your screaming fests don't faze us and your occasional hunger strikes don't send us into panic mode. We know you will eat when you want to eat and that is fine by us. You go to sleep without any fuss (most of the days) by yourself and that is the best habit we think you have. And of course, we proudly accept all credits for that! You wake up happy and sometimes let us  grab some extra shuteye on weekends by playing quietly in your crib until one of us stirs. That consideration itself is a reward enough for all the tantrums you throw otherwise.

You have suddenly started speaking in 2-3 word sentences. You have started speaking clearly too, though I am trying my best to have you keep your baby language. Kakkay sure sounds way better than Thankyou, you know. And that reminds me - you are such a well mannered child at least when it comes to thanking people. You even say "kakkay" in your sleep when we cover you with your blanket on chilly nights. You just recently started saying "owwy" (sorry) when urged to do so, dropping all your reluctance and overcoming your ego, you little diva! And about 4 months ago you put my fears to rest when you stopped being in a constant competition with your sister. I used to worry that you two will grow apart emotionally due to the brattiness you constantly showed to and against your older sister. Now you seem to have accepted her as a part of the entire package :P

You like being independent and who are we to resist a blessing in disguise? Yes, it means you insist on buckling yourself into your highchair while we tap our feet impatiently. But it also means you clean up after yourself most of the times. Or help with the cleanup. And that you drink most of your milk without parental supervision and eat most of your food without us having to shovel it in your mouth. "Most" being the keyword here. I wouldn't mind feeding you the entire meal because, truth be told, that would be infinitely faster but I firmly believe in preparing my kids to be progressively independent. It is a good thing for both of us that you agree.

I loved the days when you started calling me "Mai". And I love how sweet "Didi" sounds coming from your mouth. I feel blessed when didi (older sister) replies in an equally sweet voice to your calls, no matter how busy, rushed or upset she is. I hope this love and bond between you two grows each day and stays long after we are gone.

You find it funny to run away when we are trying to take your picture. Or when we are trying to change your diaper. Or when you need a bath. In short - running away is GREAT FUN to you :) And you love gardening with us. It is another matter that gardening, to you, means picking up soil from one place and dumping at another, or poking fingers into leaves. Well, at least you don't make appetizers of the earthworms :P You love sneaking into your sister's room when she is away at school. I love how you pick one of her stuffed toys out of her ample stash and run out of the room waving it victoriously over your head. I also love how you put things back where you picked them up from if we ask you to "put it back". Even super-tempting knick-knacks you find in your sister's room.

There are way too many things you do, say and enjoy for me to list here. I'll just say that I am enjoying life with you. I am living in the moment. All of us are. We can't even begin to imagine what we did to pass our time before you came along. We can't remember who what we laughed at or spoke about. You have filled our lives with fun and laughter to the brim. We all love you darling. Happiee deeeey!

All it takes is a few words

She brought up an interesting point in this post. I have been meaning to write along similar lines ever since I lost my dad. This just brought that need to blog about my observations and feelings to the surface.

When Pa died, many friends and family rallied around us to provide support. Even strangers wrote to offer condolences. For that I will be eternally grateful. But many others chose to stay quiet. Many friends and relatives chose not to call me or my mom. Maybe it didn't occur to them, or they didn't know what to say. A childhood friend didn't visit me or mom for days. He came just a couple of days before I was to leave. Only one of J's cousins took the trouble to find my number and call me to offer his condolences. The rest, even though they knew my dad had expired suddenly, kept away. Even some close (so-called) family members haven't said even two words to me about it. Yet. That hurt me deeply. Still does. I have always maintained - don't keep in touch with me during good times, I'll still remember you and be your friend. Avoid calling me during tough times, when you KNOW I am going through them, you lose me. On the other hand - I will forget every wrong you have done me if you extend that helping hand or lend that listening ear in times of need. Selfish, I know. But that is how I am.

I have observed that we Indians (in particular) are experts at avoiding discussions about our loss. I needed to vent my feelings of loss. I needed someone to talk to. I desperately needed to cry and let it all out. But no one would let me. Anyway, thank God for J. He let me do all of the above. When I came back, I noticed that friends always paused for a second if I mentioned anything funny about my dad or the fun times we had when we were little, or even anything about his sudden demise. Maybe they took the time to figure out how to respond - laugh when it is certainly time to grieve?? Will I take an offence? Would they say something inappropriate by mistake? I did appreciate this thoughtfulness on their part but a part of me wanted for someone to come up and share their memories of my father. I wanted to feel that connection. I know it was too much ask of friends who probably had never dealt with this situation ( a friend losing a parent suddenly and tragically).

In the days following immediately after Pa's death, we (Ma, my brother, cousin, assorted uncles and aunts and visiting friends) would frequently bring up fond memories of Pa and laugh about them. Somehow it felt cathartic. It felt like we had lost him but the memories will be ours forever. 

This is something I have noticed - humor makes you heal faster (after a loss). In Jan 2006, when I had to undergo an MTP, I was devastated. I would cry all the way on my drive to office and back. I would cry all day IN office. I would cry myself to sleep oftentimes. I still feel a twinge on or around September 3rd - the would-have-been due date. Even after I have had another baby, I cannot forget the one I lost. I don't think any mother can. But slowly I started making occasional light comments. e.g. I told one friend what a total waste of labor pains it had been when the Tylenol I took didn't work and I could feel every contraction that was being brought on by the drugs given to induce a miscarriage. [Really - the contractions felt like labor pain. The only difference was that they were limited to a very small area compared to a full-term pregnant belly] It is then that I realized that I was getting over that loss a little bit. 

Now, even before MM wrote her post, I had figured out why people behaved the way they did. Loss makes them uncomfortable. It brings them face-to-face with their own possible loss. Or maybe they don't know how to comfort the grieving party. Or they are afraid they'd say or do something to hurt the feelings of the person suffering the loss. I don't always know what to say to the near and dear ones of someone who has passed away. But that doesn't stop me from picking up the phone. I recently lost my Bua. It was tough finding the words to talk to my phupha about it so I just cried with him over the phone. What I mean to say is - if someone you know has lost someone or suffered a misfortune, don't stay away even if you don't know what to say. Just be there. That will be enough. Or say how sorry you are for their loss. Or, if words fail you, send a card or an email. I know emails are considered rude but when I wrote about Pa's death, I received a number of emails from people I didn't even know. They just read my blog and took out the time to write a few lines. That gave me comfort and strength. Made me feel I was not alone. In tough times, I would take an email from you any day over your silence. Anything that shows me that you care.

MM wrote about miscarriages in particular. But her commenters added death of children to that list. And I am adding ANY kind of loss or misfortune. Because I have seen that people do hesitate in discussing loss. The day I announced my pregnancy (at another friend's baby shower - I was showing already) and mentioned that I conceived through IVF, a hush fell over the table. I don't blame anyone for that. People just aren't used to sharing such details. Infertility treatments, I assume, carry a stigma with them (from the way I have seen people react to the mention of them back home). I don't know why. Why anyone would object to, or turn their nose up at, a means of getting that sweet, cuddly baby when all else has failed, is beyond me. Maybe, going through the process has given me the required shamelessness. I still remember the silence at the other end of the line when I told a friend about my pregnancy over the phone and mentioned that the IVF procedure had taken a toll at me mentally and physically. Thankfully no one was insensitive enough to suggest that I hadn't done enough (like stand on my head?) to conceive or that I couldn't conceive because I had delayed getting pregnant. I would have bashed their head in.

When, after the first round of IUI, I conceived we rejoiced. And told our family. And then during the first ultrasound we found no heartbeat. We actually found nothing. There was a black void where the fetus should have been. The gestational sac was a black, disintegrating emptiness instead of being a round gray/black/white image of a peanut pounding away like a horse running on a wooden deck. I remember I had subconsciously realized that things were not right a day before. I woke up and realized, with a start, that I hadn't gotten up even once during the night time to go to the bathroom and that I hadn't been feeling dead tired for the last 2-3 days. My heart sank and then the fears were confirmed in the cold ultrasound room the next day. 

All I remember from those days now is the people who rallied around me. Who provided comfort through their words or actions. The HR Director of the company I used to work for, poked her head into my office one day and said "I admire your courage" (I was trying to work through the labor-like contractions that were induced by the drug for MTP. I took it on a Thursday, expected it to start working on Friday and be done with everything by Sunday. Didn't happen that way - I had to take another dose on Monday). What I mean to say is, the littlest of gestures during some one's tough times goes a long way. So, don't hesitate. Pick up the phone or reach out with that hug. 

When I finally conceived after the second IVF and we had confirmed that the fetus was viable at the 8 week ultrasound, we were still scared to celebrate. We didn't tell anyone for almost three months. But then I realized that even if this pregnancy failed, I would like to have celebrated it while it lasted. Because I WILL mourn it for the rest of my life if it failed. So J and I went out for  a movie and dinner. I wanted to shout out from the rooftops, but I was too superstitious after my previous loss. If I had to do it all over again, I'd tell close friends from the beginning. Because a hard-earned pregnancy, however short lived, deserves to be celebrated.

And remember humor? I used it throughout this pregnancy. It helped keep me sane otherwise I would have died of worry. I told people I had to undergo IVF because we had been diagnosed with idiopathic infertility - that is when idiots (like us) who already have a child, can't conceive (because they forgot what to do!) I demonstrated how I used to take my IVF shots (Close eyes, Point, JAB!) because, even after 300+ IVF shots I gave myself during two IVF cycles, I was (and am) still scared of needles. I used to joke that I would make a lousy junkie. All this (and J and support of friends and family) did help me get through all that. But most of all, through ALL my losses and misfortunes, the thing that has carried me is my friends and their support, J and HIS support and love and support from my family. 

So don't hesitate - do call and say "I am SO sorry for your loss" if a friend needs to hear it. I know, I still hold a grudge against some people who didn't, and then (4 months) later tried to cover it up by saying something lame like "oh yes - I heard about your dad. Sorry, huh?!" in the middle of some other conversation. Or "I would have called you but I didn't have your number". The same person magically found our number two weeks ago when she needed us and called us at midnight. DUDE!! At least show some compassion by either saying it sincerely or keep your trap shut! Oh well. At least they are better than people who didn't call me, not even on Diwali which was SUPER tough for me emotionally, and then complained that I didn't call them on Diwali or Hindu New Year. Yeah riiiiiight!! I am SO sorry for being so rude. NOT! Why am I writing all this here? Because it is my blog? To finally get rid of the hurt that comment caused.

I know I have rambled. I won't apologize for it. I needed all this to come out. I would have loved it if I could make a coherent and sensible post out of it but oh well!!

Que Sera Sera, what will be will be.

She wasn't the svelte nymphet anymore. Turned out more "headstrong" than he ever imagined.

 

She’d had her dreams of finding another family shattered too, and how! Overcame the bitterness with great difficulty.

 

They fought bitterly, made up tenderly - even after so many years. They’d faced losses and celebrated triumphs. Together.

 

The Gods weren't sniggering anymore.

The future's not ours to see: 55 word fiction

She looked up at him adoringly as he tied on the Mangalsutra. She felt blessed to be marrying into such a loving family. She wasn't losing her family, she was gaining another one. She couldn't believe her luck.

The Gods above sniggered. She was in for a surprise too! This was just too much fun!

Whatever will be, will be: 55 word fiction

He looked at her fondly as he leaned forward and tied the mangalsutra around her neck. Such a charming, loving and lovely partner. She would fit right into his family. He beamed proudly at his fine choice of a girl. She smiled back.

 

The Gods above sniggered. Boy, was he in for a BIG surprise!!

Time matters

We have been struggling with teaching S to manage her time properly. She is a daydreamer, this girl. And likes to chat. Loves her little sister to bits too. So before you know it, a 15 minute homework has stretched to over 45 minutes because she was day dreaming and then started telling me about something funny that happened at school and HAD to respond to the sweet "didi, didi!" calls of her little monster sister.

I talked to her teacher about it and she reassured me that S is one of the most organized students she has. Always finishes her tasks on time. I think that is because there is no one nagging reminding her to hurry up every half hour. She knows she has to deliver and knows the consequences of not delivering. Well, it is definitely not the same at home so I have been wondering how to handle this. 

There was a time when mornings in Kay household used to be scream fests. "BRUSH YOUR TEETH FAST!!", "HOW MUCH LONGER?", "GET OUT OF THE SHOWER NOW!!" etc. used to be the oft screamed sentences. Then I got a hold of myself one day and decided not to scream any more. I found that was more effective. Things got better for S' ears and my lungs. And mornings became kind of peaceful. Lately, the chaos has been returning slowly. S is taking longer in mornings. And takes forever to get ready for bed. Her official bed time is 9.30 pm. But she never manages to get in before 10. This irritates me no end. I give stern talkings to. I glare. I hiss. I pout. I sometimes yell too. Last night I got exasperated and decided to try out a new way.

S has been told that starting today, we will not remind her to do ANYTHING. She knows she has to do her homework and chores, and her bedtime is 9.30. If she gets to bed by that time, well and good. Otherwise she can get in bed at whatever time she does. We will wake her up at 7 every morning. And if she manages to get ready in time to catch the bus, I will drop her off at the bus stop. If not, she will miss school and stay home. I will do my job - wake her up, get lunch and dinner ready in time, get her to appointments and classes and love her. She will have to do her job - do her homework, chores and get to bed in time. If she can, very well. If not, we won't lose our patience at her or yell at her. We refuse to make her lack of time management skills our problem. Let's see how this goes.

Update: Day 1 - she got one reminder from me to look at the time. Got in bed by 9.45 pm, which wasn't bad but could have been better. But it was infinitely better because I didn't spend the evening hissing "Look at the time and hurry up!!" Day 2 - she caught the bus! With just one reminder from me to keep an eye on the time, she was ready in time. INFINITELY better since we didn't have to keep going to the stairs (she uses the bathroom upstairs) to ask her "HOW much longer?" :P We'll see how does the rest of the week go.

Proof that she was HUNGRY!!!

What do you do if

the best friend you want to share everything with IS the same friend you are throwing a surprise birthday party for? I have been DYING to share this with my best friend. I'll blog about it instead.

J turns 40 tomorrow, April 11th. I have planned a surprise party for him with a few close friends. Nothing too elaborate - just how he'd like it (I hope!) - 5 close friends and their families, all his favorite food, a few decorations, a cake and a lot of fun and laughter. Oh, and I am gifting him a "flight experience" - half an hour in a private plane. The pilot might even agree to fly the plane over our house (says so on their website :P) By the time this post gets published, we will be in the thick of it - the party, I mean.

To get him out of the house, so I can prepare for the party, I am gifting him two movie tickets to "Fast and Furious". I have enlisted help from a friend of his who will pick him up, take him to the movies and then for happy hour in a nearby bar and then bring him home when everyone has arrived. There the surprise will register and end pretty quickly because he is bound to figure everything out when he sees all those cars in our driveway. But it should be an interesting moment :)

The menu comprises of dishes he likes. Falafel, chholey tikiya, papdi chaat, dahi bade, daal kachori, matar (peas) samosas, shrikhand and baklava. Falalfel and baklava have been ordered from a restaurant he likes them from. Everything else will be made by yours truly. Well, except the cake. That responsibility has been handed over to another good friend who will order it from a bakery in NJ. A very haphazard menu but I hope he'll like it. I asked him what his favorite chaat items are and he thinks I am going to make them for him on his birthday for LUNCH! I have asked him to take us out for dinner :D I hope he doesn't know about the surprise and isn't just playing me along.

Well, I'll post an update on how it all goes. Till then, wish me luck!!

Update: It is 12.38 AM on April 11th. I have already gifted him the movie tickets and told him this is so he can get 2 hours without the three bhootnis who constantly badger him in this house :D I have told him that I am preparing so much food because I want to make his favorite food items ALL WEEK LONG. I don't know if he bought it. He did laugh and say "I'll see if it goes beyond 2 days" (That's because I am "famous" for changing the weekly menu umpteen times at the drop of a hat..... Well many hats)

More thoughts out loud

I wrote a post about a month back, about how I would be disappointed if S decided to go into a non-technical field professionally. It was more about my struggle with my preconceived notions than a comment on a particular field of profession. I got some interesting comments that served to widen my perspective but I got distracted by the Learning Disabilities posts and couldn't reply to these comments in time. So I decided to devote a post to these comments. I am extremely sorry for the delay in replying. Maybe you guys weren't expecting any (given my lax behavior in the past) but not being able to reply to comments always nags on my mind. My replies are in italics.

asaaan said...

I dont really care what she does in school as long she doesnt get married till she is in her(at least) late twenties.
Is that bad of me to want her to not be like me(didnt finish college, married at 20,first child at 22.)

Ohh I didnt know you had to chose electives in middle school. Ashwina will be going to 5th this fall and middle school fall 10.

Me: I don't know about it being bad (of you to want her to be not like you) but I think that isn't actually what you want. All you want is for her to not make the mistakes you made. And I am not saying here that you made mistakes - you do love your life the way it is now, don't you? Maybe you think she should make different choices because the choices you made wouldn't be right for her?

I didn't know about the elective either. This was new for us.

the mad momma said...

i understand. i'd be terribly disappointed if my kids were scienceys. i am very artisitic and you love to know that they share that link with you. would i deal with it? totally. its my prob, not theirs.

Me: Glad to have you on this side then! Yeah - I'd deal with it and not burden them with it.

roop said...

u got urself corrected towards the end. so no brickbats!! :P

u'll make the right decision when it's time. we have full faith in you. :)

Me: Thanks for the vote of confidence Roop :) And thanks for not throwing those brickbats too!

Subhashree said...

Yeah, I wouldn't mind if my kids chose whatever profession they want. But if it is in the same line as the husband and I am in, it'd be easier to guide them. Well, I don't even know if they'd want any guidance, but still I'd like to be prepared.

Me: Yeah - it isn't even about guidance I think. Is it probably the thought that by following in your field they are validating your choice of profession? Though why would I be looking for validation for my choice of profession in my children's actions is beyond me :P I think I am muddled in my mind. Don't really know why I would want her to be a techie. I just would!

dipali said...

What a sensible mother you are, Cee. We just muddled through, I think!

Me: Sensible?? I haven't heard the words "sensible" and "Cee" in the same sentence Dipali. Ever!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I agree with tearsanddreams. I think its a very subtle distinction (being disappointed in her because you think its an inferior option and being disappointed because you lose a link to her). The danger is that your daughter may pick up on the disappointment and not on the reasons behind the disappointment, which as I said are very nuanced. And being well-behaved, one danger is that she may be very very subtly pushed into choosing a technology/science career which would make her happy but not terrifically happy.

otoh, I'm sure you've got it all sorted out and its good that you can see those differences and acknowledge them.

And I'm not sure I'd want to guide my daughter in a particular career, but I'd like to guide her about HOW to choose good work that would interest and excite her.

n!

Me: Maybe you are right. But I like to think that the communication between her and me is clear enough for me to be able to make her understand that I will stand by, and fully support, her choice of profession.

lumi said...

Each child is imbued with his or her own set of talents even though they were knit from our DNA. The beauty of education in America is that you can study and be whatever you want to be and don't have to have a predetermined idea of what it is you want to do in school before you get there.

Encourage your daughter to take as many different kinds of classes as possible. Obviously there is a need to have a solid foundation in math, science, and writing. The balance of her courses should be left up to her. There's nothing wrong with being a non-technically oriented professional. If she has a passion and talent to do something it should be cultivated.

Mini-me is a budding environmentalist but has a gifted eye behind the camera, plays the violin with joy, and could out draw me by the time she was five. I'm proud of her for pursuing her interests and talents.

Me: Yes, that is exactly what we did (encourage her to take varied classes). She has elected Arts and Dance as the first and third electives. Technology is second but J or I didn't force her to do that. She liked the content: Graphic designing, publishing, animation etc. We did discuss her reasons for selecting each elective. As for encouraging her non-technical interests - we do that. She plays the violin, loves painting and creating comics, also plays the piano pretty darned well and is taking gymnastics and tennis lessons :) Didn't like being on the swim team so we took her off - no hassles. So she KNOWS we will respect her wishes. By the way, I LOVE the American education system for the reasons you mentioned. I love the flexibility it gives one. I love how you don't get rigidly slotted into a field (arts, commerce or science) the moment you enter 11th grade. I love how you can still go into any field irrespective of the subjects you study in high school. Wish we had that when we were in shcool.

General Note: I never said there was anything wrong with being a non-technically oriented person. I would encourage her in any profession she took up sincerely. I was just talking about my own feelings. I do understand about kids picking up on our unspoken disappointment but I am trying to avoid that with open communication. At least, if she feels I am disappointed about something, she will come and ask me why. I am sure of that. I think! :P

Seventeen years??!

Happy anniversary, darling!

Sheepishly added: It is the anniversary of J proposing to me :P Not an "anniversary" anniversary. But we do celebrate it. With a hug and a kiss :)

Added later: And apparently with a bunch of roses! J just walked in with a dozen roses!!!

Being an advocate for your child

Kiran of KarmicKids came up with the idea ofdedicating March as a "Learning Disabilities Month" in our little corner of the blogworld. I already wrote about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), how it is related to Learning Disabilities and how it is different from them. This post is on how we can help our kids by being their advocates.

Disclaimer: I have put together these posts with help of online research. I am NOT an expert on the matter. These are just my personal views. If you have any concerns that your child might have a learning disorder, please voice them to your child's doctor immediately.

When S was little, she had run ins with a few kids who would bully her. I was too timid at that time to correct the bullies because I thought disciplining other people's kids was not my job or my place. And I sincerely believed that all parents wanted their kids to behave well and so they would stop their kids from bullying others. What a fool I was!! Over time, and with experience, I have learned that is not always the case. I have to discipline other people's kids if they hurt my child and if their own parents are turning a blind eye. I owe it to my kids. If I won't protect them, then who would? And not all parents are as obsessed with good behavior as I am.

I have had a few arguments over this topic with a few friends. One says it is her job to step in to negotiate/manage a situation whenever her child is being bullied/picked on. A few others say they totally believe in teaching their kid to hit back when he/she is bullied. Now I don't agree with any of them. I don't disagree completely either. It is my job to step in until my child is old enough to learn to stand up for herself. And it is my job to help my child learn how to resolve such situations without being mean or nasty. That, I think, is a good life skill to have. And I definitely think every child should know self-defence for extreme situations. I certainly do not think it is appropriate of me to tell my child to hit back everytime she is hit or bulllied. I think that should be reserved for when everything else fails.

I have learned one thing as a mom. That a parent is the only advocate a child has. Everywhere. On the playground. At a party where another kid is subtly picking up on her and the parents of that kid are studiously ignoring their child's behavior. At school.

All of us know that if our child is ever diagnosed to have learning disabilities, he/she will need our staunch support to get through school. All the support we can give him/her, all our understanding and love. All our patience. All our courage - in defending him from well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning teachers. And surprising as it may sound, even if our kid is among the top five in the class, he/she still needs us to be their advocate. I learned that the hard way. And I mean to share my experience here just in case it might help someone else. I will also share a few resources about being an advocate for a child with learning disabilities.

S has always been good at academics. We have always gotten glowing reviews from her teachers, right from pre-school. She has always been ahead of her grade level in reading, writing and math. So one would think that a teacher would recognize that intelligence and recommend her for an advanced program if she qualified, right? Wrong! S' school has an Academically Talented program for kids who are ahead of the rest of the class. I always thought she would get recommended if she was good enough for the program and if she didn't that would mean she doesn't really qualify. That is why I never really worried that she never got a recommendation. But in fourth grade, her teacher raved about how S should be in the AT program and how she didn't understand why she wasn't in it when so many other kids who were, didn't really deserve to be in there. She assured us that she will recommend S when the time came. The time came and went. I assumed in good faith that the teacher will keep her word. She didn't. Then, very conveniently, shrugged it off saying "The deadline is gone". That is when I realized that even if my child is a 120% eligible for something I cannot depend on someone else to help her get it unless I become her vocal and alert advocate. I mean, why would the teacher go out of her way and create more paperwork for herself by recommending a child whose parent doesn't bother to hound her? That was a big lesson learnt. I am sure M is going to benefit more because by the time she gets to kindergarten I will be a pro at this advocacy thing :P

A child with learning disabilities needs an advocate more than anyone else. Teachers and caretakers would just as easily recommend the child be pumped full of drugs to make him/her more manageable instead of putting in time and effort to manage his behavior. I am sorry for this harsh judgment because I know there are still many dedicated teachers and caretakers out there who wouldn't take this route. But it is because of those who take the easy way out instead of working with the child that I have formed this opinion.

As this article mentions it isn't always with malicious reasons that your child may be deprived of the help and support he/she needs. It may be because there aren't enough resources or maybe he/she fell through the cracks because the teacher was overwhelmed with other high-maintenance kids. We have to make sure that our child gets the help he/she needs when it is required. No matter how many times we have to send that reminder, no matter that we have to make a pest of ourselves in front of school administration by insisting our child be evaluated/helped a zillion times, no matter what else.

Another thing I have learnt in the past few years is assertiveness. Assertiveness is a quality one needs in HUGE doses to be an advocate to one's kids. Again, I learnt this from personal experience. Here is an article that talks about how to be assertive. I think this can help ANYBODY, whether or not they have children with LDs. Assertiveness is a good quality to have in any situation.

And finally, here is another article that talks about why we need to be advocates for our kids and how we can do it.

ADHD and Learning Disabilities

Kiran of KarmicKids came up with the idea of dedicating March as a "Learning Disabilities Month" in our little corner of the blogworld. I am writing about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), how it is related to Learning Disabilities and how it is different from them.

Disclaimer: I have put together this post with help of online research. I am NOT an expert on the matter. These are just my personal views. If you have any concerns that your child might have a learning disorder, please voice them to your child's doctor immediately.

ADHD: What is it?

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) is the name of a group of behaviors found in many children and adults. Kids and adults who have ADHD have trouble paying attention to anything they do and are more impulsive and/or active for what is usual for their age.

ADHD is characterized by presence of one, two or all three groups of behaviors - inattention, hyperactivity and impulsiveness. Based on the symptoms that a child shows, his/her ADHD can be categorized into

1. ADHD, Inattentive type,

2. ADHD, Hyperactive-Impulsive type and

3. ADHD, Combined Type. According to the Learning Disabilities Association of America following are the symptoms and signs of ADHD, and also strategies to help children with ADHD:

Symptoms and signs

1. Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes
2. May have poorly formed letters or words or messy writing
3. Has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
4. Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork or chores
5. Avoids or strongly dislikes tasks (such as schoolwork) that require sustained mental effort
6. Forgetful in daily activities
7. Has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
8. Loses things necessary for tasks or activities (pencils, assignments, tools)
9. Shows difficulty engaging in leisure activities quietly
10. Acts as if “driven by a motor” and cannot remain still
11. Blurts out answers to questions before the questions have been completed, often interrupts others

Strategies

1. Allow a child to change work sites frequently while completing homework or studying
2. Assign tasks involving movement such as passing out papers, running errands, watering plants
3. Use music as a tool for transitioning, song = task
4. Vary tone of voice: loud, soft, whisper
5. Stage assignments and divide work into smaller chunks with frequent breaks
6. Teach students to verbalize a plan before solving problems or undertaking a task
7. Permit a child to do something with hands while engaged in sustained listening: stress ball, worry stone, paper folding, clay
8. Use inconspicuous methods such as a physical cue to signal a child when she or he tunes out
9. Provide opportunities for student to show divergent, creative, imaginary thinking and get peer recognition for originality
10. Employ multi-sensory strategies when directions are given and lessons presented

Another site I recommend for getting more information about ADHD is FamilyDoctor. According to this site, here are the strategies to help a child who has ADHD:

1. Make a schedule.
2. Make simple house rules.
3. Make sure your directions are understood.
4. Reward good behavior.
   
5. Make sure your child is supervised all the time.
6. Watch your child around his or her friends.
7. Set a homework routine.
8. Focus on efforts, not grades.
9. Talk with your child's teachers.
   

Come to think of it, these strategies will help ANY child, won't they? Please visit the above link to see the detailed description of these points. It is easy to confuse ADHD symptoms with the normal childhood behavior. Many children are hyperactive, younger children typically have a shorter attention span and not to act on an impulse is sometimes a learned habit instead of being an inborn trait. So the mere presence of these symptoms is not an indication of ADHD. There are some other criteria for confirming a diagnosis of ADHD, which include (but may not be limited to) the following:

1. The symptoms have been present for at least six months,
   



2. They began before the child was 7 years old, and
   



3. They are causing an impairment in more than one setting, like both at home and in school.
   

Though it is natural for a parent to worry, but in this case dagnosis is best left to a professional. ADHD is NOT a learning disability but it can cause learning problems in a child. It is very important to get a proper diagnosis AND to understand how it can affect a child's learning process.

How is ADHD different from Learning disabilities?

A common misconception about ADHD is that it is a learning disability. The confusion occurs because ADHD can affect learning and as many as 30% of people suffering from ADHD also have a learning disability. There is, however, a difference. A student with a learning disability will be deficient in one or two areas while performing at or above average in other areas. ADHD, on the other hand, affects learning globally and affects all cognitive functions instead of just one or two. A student with ADHD should always be tested for learning disabilities because an undiagnosed learning disability can mimic the symptoms of ADHD. During my research on this I realized there is TONS of material out there. My post is in NO WAY comprehensive on the topic. In fact, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of it. It is aimed at merely creating an awareness. To find more information on it, ask your child's doctor AND Mr. Google. Here are links to the websites I took help from in compiling this post:

Learning Disabilities Association of America
Wikipedia
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
National Institute of Mental Health

Family Doctor


Here are the other posts on this topic around the blogworld -


Kiran wrote how parents can help their child if he/she has Learning Disabilities.


Tharini has written on the different types of Learning disabilities.

Lak wrote about learning disabilities and their impact on a child's self-esteem.

Priya has written about her daughter's struggles with speech and language delay.


Girl Next Door has written about how to treat/manage Learning Disabilities.