A little boy, about 4 years old, is sitting in the kitchen with a glass of milk in front of him on the dining table. His young aunt is sitting there too, with her glass of milk in front of her. They are about to see who can drink their milk fastest. Aunt picks up her glass and starts sipping her milk. The little boy protests "You can't drink faster than me! I want to be first". Aunt replies "So why don't you start drinking your milk?" The boy doesn't want to. Aunt says "You have to drink faster to be first. I am not going to slow down just so you can win." The little boy doesn't get this logic. Till now everyone he has competed with, has lost to him. They have even pretended to cry upon losing. The aunt would have none of that. You either drink fast or you lose. If you sit with your glass of milk in front of you, I'm not going to sit with mine waiting for you to begin! The boy cries. His mom is fuming and eventually tells him "Okay you can defeat me in milk-drinking competition. Let kaki (aunt) drink her milk". Matter ends.
I was that heartless aunt. J's nephew, the little boy. I was trying to teach him that in order to win at something we have to put in our best efforts. Maybe my timing was wrong, or the method needed improvement. I know for sure that I needed more support from the rest of the family in teaching him these things.
Even today, 10 years later, I see parents rushing in trying to make sure their kids excel at everything. Not too long ago, I wrote about a dad's valiant efforts to prevent boys facing defeat from a girl. I saw a parent fretting over their kid's presentation on the school's stage and watch them mouth the kid's lines in a play (isn't it amazing that they took the time to learn ALL the lines? I couldn't be arsed!) to prompt her to do better. What's wrong with that, you say? Well, teaching your kid to say her lines properly is one thing. Sitting in her face, prompting her for every effing line, with actions, while the play is in progress? I am sorry but this is stretching things a bit too far. Let her screw up a few lines for goodness' sake! Let her taste failure, disappointment. Because only then will she get the determination to do better the next time. And who knows? She might surprise you by remembering exactly how to say the lines. She won't gain confidence until she does it all on her own. Be there to help her. Teach her. Learn with her. But when the time comes, let her do what she has to do. Sit back and enjoy the show. Literally. If she messes up, fine! Make note of her mistakes and discuss them later. At home. NON accusingly.
It raises my hackles to see parents and teachers trying to make every kid feel special at any given event. "We all are winners for participating in this event". "There are no losers. Only winners". "You all are winners for making the effort". WTH??? I get it, I do, that kids should be encouraged for merely participating in an event. Winning ain't everything. But what about the poor winner (never thought I'd use the words "poor" and "winner" together) who put in extra efforts, who perhaps practised his/her butt off before the event? Don't put the losers down but at least show some appreciation for the winner(s)! It is this mentality of making everyone special that gets my goat. Yeah everyone is special. I am not denying that. But if someone made an ounce of extra effort and stood out among those special kids, please do make a little bit of song and dance about it. The poor sucker spent time and effort at getting better than other kids at something!
What I am afraid of is that these very kids, whom we are trying to help develop a healthy self esteem, will grow up to be over-confident brats with ginormous, inflated egos who think they can never lose because... well because they are specail! And when life serves them one of its lessons? When they lose out to someone a bit more deserving? Or even someone less deserving? (because that does happen) They will be devastated because failure will be an unkonwn territory for them. They wouldn't know how to overcome something they have never experienced or even dreamt about! THAT is why I think we parents owe it to our kids to let them taste a little bit of failure. We need to make our kids realize that life isn't always fair. Not everyone gets candy and a certificate at the end. And even if failure beats you down, you HAVE to get up. brush off your clothes and get back in the frigging fight!
And it isn't about only winning. It is also about learning from your mistakes. Improvement. If I step in and correct every mistake my child makes, how will she ever learn to check her own work and correct it if needed? At the event I wrote about in the beginning (play, parent mouthing lines), S forgot to bring along a printout of her lines for the play. I told her to figure out what to do. She said she'd ask her teacher if she could take another printout. They did have some time. I thought even if the teacher got upset at S for forgetting her lines, it would be a good lesson for her to learn. The teacher didn't get upset and just printed out the lines for her again (I guess she is more used to such things, being a fifth grade teacher). I think S did learn a little lesson. Two, maybe. One - to remember such things, and two - to figure out a solution instead of panicking.
All around me I see efforts being made to help kids succeed at everything. Nothing's wrong with that. My only grouse is that nobody is teaching them to lose gracefully. Unless you fail at something, you cannot learn to be graceful in the face of defeat. And unless you do so, you can't learn the WHOLE lesson that life has in store for you. If they fail, we rush in to heal their broken ego with kind words, telling them they are a winner for even trying. That winning or losing doesn't matter. All that matters is that one tried. All valid lessons in themselves, really. But not once do we tell them gently "Next time try a little harder and I am sure you'll get better at this thing." We are selling mediocricy so kids' feelings don't get hurt when they are 2nd or 3rd or 15th in the race. What is worse, we are not teaching them that more important than winning or trying is improving oneself. Doesn't matter that you were 12th in the race this time. If you practice, you might be 10th the next time. That will be an improvement. THAT is what matters.
You are SO right :).
ReplyDeleteI try to implement the same thing with one of my students, setting tough papers, giving no slack when she can't do the questions, and telling her it isn't the end of the world if she scores badly with me. The kids' logic these days seems to be - "make it easy for me to win because winning is all that matters", and that doesn't seem to get them anywhere towards maturity.
Great post. I am going through this dilemma when it comes to Snakes and Ladders. The brat hates to lose. But I don't 'let' him win. If he wins fair and square, then it's cool. Otherwise, he has to accept that he lost. At this point, losing = tantrum, but I'm waiting for him to get the message and accept his loss gracefully. And that won't happen if I let him win (even though I am sorely tempted sometimes to maintain the peace)
ReplyDeleteGood to see the fiesty CK back in action! :)
ReplyDeleteAgree 100% on your views. I think this is more of an American problem.
What I have seen here in India is there is so much competition so many kids that loosing is part of the game (outside the home). Am not sure though if the loss is handled correctly by the parents in the sense that not channel the anger towards the kid who won, but try to motivate it towards winning in the next round/event.
Great post! Very time-appropriate. Chip obvioulsy hates to loose, but sometimes he does - in your game of "who gets to/does XYZ first?" He sulks, obvioulsy, but I have been saying "Well played" when he wins and "Great game/fun" when he looses. I think its important to teach them to be gracious loosers - but that will come once they start being gracious winners. He has caught on the idea, but needs to be reminded what to say when I win.
ReplyDeleteWow! I had never thought about it or looked at it this way.I haven't reached that stage in parenting yet. Can't say what I would have done if I had not read this post of yours but I know for sure what i'd do now.
ReplyDeleteIt pisses me off to no end to see the pushy parents demanding that their children be perfect. "My kid does A, B, C"..."Well my kid does A, B, C, X, Y, and Z". It's an exercise in one-upping and it's boorish to say the very least. Same thing for parent's that constantly do EVERYTHING for their kids-including homework (no, I am not kidding). Part of being a parent means raising a well adjusted adult that you will turn loose in society. Teaching them that life is not always fair, people do not always do the right thing, and you don't get to win at everything are important lessons to learn. I once had a parent of one of my university undergrads whom I was a TA for call me and ask me why her daughter only got a C in the class. My retort was "Go ask your daughter why she couldn't be bothered to find her way to class half the time and turn in good quality work." Then I hung up.
ReplyDeleteTeach your children to be self-reliant, responsible for their work/duties, and that just because you fail at something does not mean you are a loser.
lovely post.So true. I try a little with this each day with my kids. Trying is good but they have to be stronger. Sometimes lessons that ae hard for parents to teach sink in a lot better when it comes from the teacher.
ReplyDeletebrill post cee.
ReplyDeleteand it freaks me out too - the idea of children having huge but empty egos because they've always been told that they're so 'special' and 'winners' no matter what.
brilliant cee kay. with you all the way.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely true, Cee- the entire lesson needs to be tought!
ReplyDeleteI am so with you on this. Winning isn't everything but the child has to learn that to win you need to put in extra efforts.
ReplyDeleteyou're so right. chubbocks has the usual sulks and tantrums if he loses but we refuse to give in, he has to learn that both winning and losing are part of the game. The whole 'everyone's a winner' and the environment of praising children for everything from riding a cycle to pooping is resulting in a whole generation of young people addicted to praise and to winning who can't take negative feedback, and can't work without praise
ReplyDeleteFirst time here and I am glad I read this post.
ReplyDeleteThis has been something that I have been thinking about. I was a school topper who gave in to pressure during my final exams and realised the pressure I had on myself was what I allowed to be exerted on myself, which I needn't have. Even today, I believe the run to be the topper in school has not taught me how to accept defeat gracefully. I sulked, I cried, what not. I became risk averse, to the point that even in online games, I am a defender. If enemies attack me, I delete my account and runaway :)
I vowed I will never do that to my children.
You couldn't be arsed, eh? Long live the Deej. ;)
ReplyDeleteBTW I can so see you sitting at that table challenging your nephew.
okay quibble one - its LOSE not LOOSE - ALL of you. write it 100 times and send it in to me by tomorrow noon :p
ReplyDeleteand the losing thing. I guess it depends on the child's nature and temperament and what the issue is. If a kid is old enough to play a game like ludo (as Ro says) - he is old enough to learn the rules and win. its all a matter of luck. Which is fair enough.
But I DO know that I can drink my milk and run faster than both my kids. I'd cut them a little slack here and run slower or drink slower. I dont think it would damage them at this age. If anything, constantly losing because a full sized hulking adult is competing with them, is really not fair.
finally though, i dont think its a big deal. i dont really care what others do with their kids on this one. but I DO know that in a matter where my size and age are obvious advantages over my 2 year old or 4 year old's capabilities, i'd cut them a little slack, let them taste the joy of winning and help them to do well.
Sorry for the delay in repllying to coments!
ReplyDeleteSuki: Yes that bothers me the most - make things easy so I can win. Or - since I lost, it isn't fair. Add a whining tone to these words and I feel like ripping my ears out!
Rohini - Same thing happened with S. We stuck to our guns, just to teach her its okay to lose sometimes. We do follow one rule - no teasing the losers.
AA_mom: Really? You think the over-competitiveness is more an American problem? I have seen Indian kids being sore losers too, because they just are too used to being the winners everytime. Their parents' comments help foster that spirit to the extreme IMO. I think kids in America are more used to treating winners and losers equally (which isn't good in my opinion either, as I mentioned in the post). But channeling your anger towards the kid who won IF he is not your kid - I have seen a lot of times too. Most unhealthy!
Dot: True - being a gracious loser goes hand in hand with being a gracious winner. Both are important skills to learn.
ReplyDeleteTearsndreams: LOL! No don't blindly follow what I do please. Take it with a grain of salt because I ain't an expert at this parenting gig yet.
Kimberly: Agree with every thing you said. And yes, I hate to see parents doing everything for their kids. Even my 27 month old does a lot of things on her own - including putting her dishes away after a meal, which I see a lot of parents do for their kids ALL THE TIME. I mean I do it for S sometimes IF she is doing other things like cleaning the table and putting away the leftover food.
Sands: True - sometimes what a teacher, or even a friend, says sinks in deeper and faster than when a parent says it :)
ReplyDeleteMona: "Huge empty ego" were the words I was looking for!!
Choxbox, Dipali: Thanks!
Kowsalya: True!! They need to learn to put in their best efforts.
BEV: LOL @ "praising kids for pooping" but that is SO true!! It helps raise young adults who can't take constructive criticism.
Sowmya: Well, something good did come out of it, right? Your kids will benefit greatly!
ReplyDeleteSue: Yes, I was channeling Deej :P Did you picture me as a SLIM behenji in sari and long hair? Because that is how I looked in those days :D
MM: The whole argument with my nephew was that he wanted to SIT with his glass of milk in front of him and for me to wait for him to start, and then to lose to him. That is what everyone else had been doing. I told him he has to at least start drinking his milk. Of course I knew that I had an unfair advantage over him in terms of size and capabilities and wasn't going to use that advantage against him. But I wanted him to learn that he needed to put in an effort, some effort, in order to win. I know I didn't write all this and that is the main problem - I often miss crucial points in a story (you should hear me tell a joke. It is excruciating :P) He had been tasting victory in this "game" forever and I thought he needed to learn to lose too. I failed. And now he is a 14 year old with an abnormally inflated ego and very distorted views of his capabilities.
ReplyDeleteYou know what would help me visualise it? A picture! Send me one pronto. I simply cannot imagine you with long hair. :)
ReplyDeleteWhile I agree with your basic lesson and the main point that you are trying to convey, CeeKay, I think your timing was off with your nephew.
ReplyDeleteThe idea was to make the kid drink his milk; and along came Auntie CeeKay with her notions on winning and losing :)! I bet you weren't helpful in that particular situation.
But I'm curious to know; what happened eventually? Were you successful in changing the nevvy's attitude? Did he begin trying harder or was it a lost cause?
(Glad MM caught the lose vs loose slip. Don't do it again, Dottie, *please*.)
Lovely and thought provoking post.
ReplyDeleteI know I am making a few mistakes with my daughter in this department. Am working on this. You post comes at the right time for me :)
Lovely post! Dropping by...
ReplyDeletep/s: We would like to invite all of you to join our blogging community which helps you to get more visitors to your blogs. It's totally free and you get the chance to meet other celebrity bloggers. Visit us at Free Blog Traffic
Sue: Will do. On one condition - you will NOT say long hair suit me better. This is one thing I am NOT READY to be objective about.
ReplyDeletemummyjaan: I think a 4 year old is capable of beginning to understand this kind of lessons. It cannot be taught in ONE lesson, it is a process. So, he may not have learnt that lesson that very day but if I had continued, he would have. Read Ro's comment to see how it is a long drawn battle (of making a child understand that wins are earned). Maybe my timing was off. Maybe he sensed, from other adults of the family, that I was the only one trying to teach him these lessons and hence they were not important.
ReplyDeleteI did not have the time or inclination to paint the entire picture in this post but the idea in that particular situation was not just to make him drink his milk. That he would have done anyway after tons of cajoling from his mom and grandmother. The idea WAS to make him understand that IF he wanted to win "a milk drinking competition" (which he started by the way, because it was fun for him to see others "lose" to him) he had to at least start drinking and not while away the entire morning.
I moved to the US shortly afterwards and lost the chance to influence him in such matters. He is now a 14 year old with an over-inflated ego and sense of self who thinks he can ace the 10th standard boards without studying at all because "even stupid people have been getting 80% + and I am waaaaay smarter than them". He has many more ideas of shortcuts to fame and money which are completely unrealistic. I still don't blame him for his attitude - I blame the half-assed parenting he was subjected to. He is now old enough to start changing his attitude but I don't see that happening either because that half-assed parenting is still a constant in his life.
Collection Of Stars: We all make mistakes. When we learn not to make certain mistakes, we make other mistakes. The idea is to either make mistakes that won't screw up our children for good or to save enough money for their therapy. I am doing the latter :P
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. I wonder if we're raising a generation of namby-pambies! Kids need to experience some degree of failure, disappointment, competition, because that's real world.
ReplyDeleteThis is a post I did recently, abt how I struggle to not push my kids, but still facilitate their efforts to do better.
http://starsinmeyes.wordpress.com/2009/11/11/dress-up-run-and-recite/
Here's a nice link that talks abt how kids do better when you praise their efforts rather than their results.
http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=the-secret-to-raising-smart-kids