Grief MUST be followed by joy

Just when I was trying to get over my pain, my friend Dottie, who is more like a sister, was working hard at bringing my much awaited nephew into this world :)

Chip #2, Dot's Bun, Bund(o)t (since Dot loves to bake) is here. Welcome little one! You have brought much joy to a bunch of women who were on pins and needles while you were making you way to this world. We love you, we send our blessings to you and we hope to meet you some day while you are still a squishy little bundle smelling of baby powder and milk (at least I do!).

You came on the day when I was wallowing deep in self-pity, grieving my dad and trying my best to shake off the blues. Your dad, my "best fraand", (Hey BigGeek!!) called me to give me the news and, suddenly, everything started falling right back in place.

I didn't realize it then, but you are my harbinger of spring.

WELCOME LITTLE ONE!!

Is there an app for that?

You ever been in a situation where grief just piled up inside you and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't find the release button? Where the frustration is so bad you want to cry, and a good cry is exactly what you need, but the tears just won't come?

I'm there.

Ma's birthday is coming up and such occasions just make me miss Pa with an intensity that won't fit any scales. I become a confused jumble of thoughts and emotions. That's where I am. Been trying hard to get away from it. I generally have a hard time crying. And I have a hard time crying in front of others. That has been the main problem so far - I can't find a quiet place to sit with my thoughts and have a good cry. Where does one go for that? Is there an app for that? Let me know.

New post on Women's Web

Note: All is well with the link. It was my office computer's browser that was acting up. *sheepish grin*

I grew up hearing the phrase "aajkal ke bachchey..." (kids these days...). Our parents said it whenever we did something that they were not allowed to do when they were our age. They couldn't talk back to their elders - they got whacked if they did. They didn't talk so much. They listened to their parents. And so on...

I hear the same refrain now, about the new generation - our kids. The "new generation" is fast, they are arrogant, more mature/obnoxious etc. Each generation of parents thinks their kids' generation is getting off easier in discipline matters than they ever did. And I cringe at the phrase "kids today..." I mean - really? Is it only the kids of today's generation? How did they learn all the things, behaviors and attitudes that we moan about, if not from us directly or indirectly? We either teach them these behaviors orpermit them to behave this way. I once wrote "Kids might not always behave the way their parents want them to, but they will ALWAYS behave the way they are allowed to." I still maintain that this is absolutely true.

Read the complete post here

I am not that mother!

Just posted an article on Women's Web. Do check it out. Excerpt below.

I have been watching the furore that Amy Chua's article created in the last month or so. And been trying to decide where I stand on the issue. I see Amy's point in pushing the children for their own good but her own admission of how (much) she pushed her kids left me bewildered. But immediately after reading her article, I read a couple more articles on the topic and one of them mentioned that this article of Amy's is just an excerpt from her book, "The battle hymn of a tiger mother" and that WSJ presented it in the entirely wrong light. I understand it was a tactic on WSJ's behalf, to publicize the book.

What amazed me is our reaction to this article. Many people criticized Amy (understandable), wrote posts about their own parenting style (again, understandable), compared her parenting to their own, establishing the superiority of their own methods (I have to accept - I had the urge too). I am amazed at the insecurity this article has brought out in all of us. Am I as bad a parent as Amy Chua? Are my kids as suppressed as hers? I could almost hear everyone asking themselves these questions. I could remember at least one "Amy-ish" incident which still makes me cringe whenever I think about what kind of a parent I used to be.


 Read more here.

Check it out!

I have started contributing posts to Women's Web as a guest blogger. I won't be copying those posts here, just their links. Do check out my first post there.

I have also started contributing at Stage of Life as a featured blogger. So far I have only reposted one of my old posts there but I am working on a new one too. Check the site out - it has some great resources!

The year 2010

I feel a deep change in me this year. I am more at peace, more content, a lot more easy going than I was earlier. I don't know what brought this change. Maybe age (though I doubt it) - I did turn 40 this year. Or the online group of friends I have been hanging out with. They are a varied bunch and they have brought much laughter, sanity and clarity in my life and attitude. Maybe it was my daughters - I have learnt a lot from them. From S I learned perseverance and determination. From M I learnt to stay firm and not to be ashamed of having a mind of my own. Maybe it was J - he teaches me, by example, what devotion and responsibility is.

Whatever it is, it has made me a much happier person. J and I fight less, laugh more and get along better. I think I have become more tolerant. This year also, grudgingly, eased my pain of losing my father a bit. I still miss him but I cry for him less and laugh at his fond memories more. This year I have made a little bit more effort to reach out to my mom and brother and my friends as well.

All in all, this year has seen more ups than downs. I liked this year. It also helps that this year was a multiple of 10 which made my OCD self feel a little better :) 2011 better follow suit and turn out even better. But then, it will be what I make of it, right? So here is hoping that I make the best of 2011. And you do too. Happy New Year!!

It's the same everywhere

There was a girl, S. And a boy N. N wanted S but she didn't reciprocate the feelings. N started harassing S. He'd taunt her when she passed him by on the streets, show off his strength in various ways and even threatened S bodily harm if she didn't accept his proposal. S complained to her friends. One of her friends, U, openly declared his support for S and declared anyone who wished harm to S would have to deal with him first. S even started learning a martial art in the hopes that it would help her defend herself. A few other people just stayed quiet and watched the drama unfold.

Upon seeing this, N created a big ruckus about how S was threatening him and asked S to stop taking martial arts lessons. N's friends C and R declared that they supported him in everything he did. C asked U not to meddle in the matter and R pleaded with S to stop exerting her independence to maintain peace and let N be.

What do you guys think? Does this sound like a probable scene? Would you believe it if someone told you this story? Curse N and his buddies maybe?

Now, if I told you S is South Korea, N is North Korea, R is Russia, C is China and U is USA, what would your thoughts be? The "martial arts" that S is learning and which is bothering N so much is actually South Korea's nuclear program.

I was listening to a radio program and the way the hostess narrated the current situation between the two countries immediately brought this scenario to my mind. And those of you who grew up in India, or still live in India, will have to agree that this is not a far fetched scenario. The only thing that is far fetched in this story is that S even thought of learning a martial art. I mean hilarious, right?! We Indian girls grew up believing that any form of retaliation towards those thugs will only get us in more trouble. We were taught that. If ever we complained about the harassment, this was the first lesson taught to us - don't say anything or he will harass you more. Change the way you dress - maybe your clothes are provocative. Lower your volume - why attract attention? It will only get you in trouble.

God! Even thinking about this makes me see red! In a country of billions and a land of 33 crore gods and goddesses, no one saw the idiocy in this stance? Nobody ever asked "why blame the victim here?". More than half the country's population was suppressed by the other (less than) half and they tolerated it?

I know a lot of incidents of the girls' bravery at personal level. Even I have bashed up quite a few boys in my time. But speaking from an overall point of view, we come across as a society of cowards and hypocrites!

Coming back to the "story" - it seems that it is the same everywhere. The powerful want to take away the weak's right to even defend themselves.

The "A" word

Aparna asks, in her post "3 Adjustment Stories", "To what point does one adjust? Should everyone in a new relationship learn to adjust rather than it being expected mostly from one person? How does one decide if it is worth it? And what should be non-negotiable?"

 

The "A" word, “adjustment” is not new for most Indian women. Anything that involves putting up with other people’s whims, fancies, traditions, opinions etc. is covered by the umbrella of “adjustment”.

You get into an argument with your brother over who will read the newspaper first – you need to adjust (and let him, and every other male member of the family read the newspaper before you). You are the last one left to eat dinner (because, of course, the men eat first) and there isn’t much food left. Or maybe your favorite dish is all gone. You need to adjust. Don’t grumble. It is only food! You get engaged - you need to learn to adjust. You get married – you need to adjust with your new family. Your in-laws or husband abuse you – you need to adjust. You must definitely be pissing them off in some way and inviting all those troubles on yourself. You must be answering back or disobeying their rules. You question senseless rituals – education has gone to your head. You haven’t been taught to adjust. Girls shouldn’t be allowed to study too much – they don’t adjust after that. You didn’t grow up in a joint family – you surely wouldn’t know how to adjust. You are younger – you must adjust.

I am as good as a boy/man. I won’t adjust. I have an MBA/B.E/ from a prestigious institution – I won’t adjust. I don’t believe in the boy/girl crap – I believe men and women are equal. I won’t adjust. I spent all my life studying and got this degree. I won’t adjust. I have a good job that brings in mega bucks – I won’t adjust. I am a feminist – I won’t adjust. Why should I be the only one to adjust?

I am sure each one of us can identify with at least one statement in the last two paragraphs, if not more. Truth be told, these are both extremes. The first paragraph speaks of the atrocities girls/women in an Indian society are made to tolerate in name of adjustment. Is that really adjustment? I believe it lies more in the realms of meek submission that is expected of them just because they happen to be females. The second paragraph portrays the picture of a rebellious, strong and independent woman.  But does it really? To me it says this person is shortsighted, selfish, arrogant and immature.

Adjustment is not all that bad. And it isn’t all that good either – depending on the circumstances and the intentions behind the expectation for adjustment. It is another noteworthy fact that all these expectations of adjustment are associated with women in our society. Similarly all the declarations of “I won’t adjust” will be frowned upon by many. The irony is that the same declarations will be meekly accepted if they were to come from a man. In fact, they would be offered on his behalf before he even opens his mouth. Therein lays the crux of the whole matter. Adjustment, on its own, is not a bad word or concept. Tying its expectation with just one gender in the society is. Patriarchy, which is formed on the foundation of all such concepts, is.

Adjustment, in any relationship, is the order of the day. No relationship can survive without it. But when that adjustment comes from one party only, the relationship cannot survive. Or if it does (because one partner is “adjusting”), it will definitely won’t be as fulfilling, as warm and as smooth as it can be. There will be tiny cracks and fractures in the relationship that may not be visible to the naked eye but will be felt by the people living that relationship. When the adjustment in a relationship comes at the cost of one partner’s happiness or contentment, that relationship is doomed. To each of us, there always will be (and should be), a few things that we will never compromise on. We should know where to draw the line in an adjustment game. A healthy relationship will honor those limits. E.g. I know I will adjust with anything in a relationship as long as it doesn’t challenge my core being, as long as I am not expected to let go of the opinions and values that define me. 

The adjustment one makes unwillingly when one is expected or required to do it is not a true adjustment. It is an imposition. It will result in resentment or unhappiness. On the other hand, absence of adjustment also spells disaster for a relationship. No two people can think and feel exactly the same way about everything. There will come a time in their relationship when they will disagree. The success of their relationship will depend on how well they handle disagreements, not on how well they agree with each other on other matters.  

To me, adjustment is not a four-letter word. I have adjusted plenty in my life. Sometimes out of compulsion but most times out of my own free will. So has my husband. We both recognize and appreciate the adjustments we have made to make our relationship stronger. Our relationship IS stronger because, instead of counting who made how many adjustments, we just adjusted when needed. He needed to study further to better his career prospects so he did - even though I wanted to study first to better my chances at landing a job. So I adjusted my dreams (not without protests though) for a short while. Now I am at a point where I can realize my own dreams with his full support. I can’t take much time off from work so he adjusts his work schedule to take care of childcare emergencies. It goes both ways in so many situations. Like the Hindi proverb says “Kabhi naav gadi par to kabhi gadi naav par” [Loosely translated it means “sometimes the boat is on the car and sometimes the car is on the boat”]. That’s adjustment.

Note: I wrote this post as an entry for the contest at Women's Web, 'The Great Adjustment Story'.

 

A decision that I regret to this day

This is difficult to write about, but I think I must - for my own peace of mind. I need to get this load off my mind.

When my father passed away quite unexpectedly a little over two years ago, and I rushed to be by my mother 's side, a little thought loomed large in my mind. I wanted to be as much a part of my father's final rites as my brother would be. I wanted to go to the "shmashan", and not stay at home, like women are supposed to. I wanted to do what girls in our society are not allowed to, normally. I wanted to do at least that much for my dad. I knew I would face comments and resistance from outsiders but I was determined not to pay attention to them. I was determined I will be a part of my father's last rites.

People would have stopped me - but I don't care about them anyway. Their words wouldn't have mattered. My brother didn't mind. His wife, whom I came to love with all my heart during those days, encouraged me and promised me she would defend my right to do so if I wanted to do it. I don't know how my mother would have reacted, because I never asked her. I have a suspicion that my father might have frowned upon it because he was like that - he worried about "society" sometimes. Other family members might have tried to dissuade me from going, but they didn't matter. The only ones who mattered were my brother, his wife and my mother.

When the time came for the funeral procession to proceed, I copped out.

First I said I wanted to be by my mother's side for support. I really did mean it. My brother's wife said she would stay with my mom so I can go. Then I said I didn't want to go because I wouldn't be able to stand seeing my dad going up in flames. Somewhere in my heart, I also dreaded the confrontation that would ensue with all assorted friends and family telling me not to go. They were already trying to dictate what I should or shouldn't do. I was told not to touch anything in the kitchen because I "didn't belong to this family anymore". I was told not to touch the diya that would be lighted in front of my dad's picture in the evening. My sister-in-law stood fast by me and stubbornly had me do everything that I was told not to do. Her point? "No one can ever say that you are not a part of this family. You are as much a part of this family now as you were before you got married". It was then that I truly fell in love with that girl. But that is another post.

Where was I? Ah! Confrontation. Don't get me wrong - I didn't mind the confrontation. I just didn't want to create any more grief for my mother. I was afraid the confrontation would hurt her if she thought I was disrespecting my dad's wishes. My brother and his wife respected my wishes and didn't force me one way or another after that. These days I often wonder if I stayed back because I had a valid reason or because was a chicken. I can't decide. One regret that I do have is that I could have gone with my brother and been a support for him, and I lost that chance. He'd had a knee surgery just days before and could hardly walk, leave alone climb any stairs, which I believe he had to do that day. Our cousins went with him so he wasn't alone. But I still wonder if it would have made any difference for him if I had gone. 

I still regret that decision. It wasn't an earth shattering decision but every time I think about how I have defied the societal norms in many matters, I remember this one occasion when I bowed to them. But I am still confused over whether I should have gone or not. I didn't want to go just to make a point. I am beyond that stage in life where I would want to do something just because society doesn't approve or because I want to show people that women can do whatever they set their minds to. I know I can do whatever I set my mind to and that is enough for me - I don't need to demonstrate that to others.

I made the choice to not go because I had the choice. My brother didn't have a choice. THAT is what bothers me the most. I copped out because I had a choice but I should have sucked it up and been there for my brother who had no choice but to go through the heart wrenching moments on his own. I am sorry for that.

The Generation F

F, for Forgotten. I belong to it. I know a lot of other friends who do, too. A cousin recently lamented over the same thing - being forgotten. You automatically get included in this generation as soon as you move out of the country, away from all friends and family.

My membership to this exclusive club began in September '99. At first I didn't realize what was going on. Dollar-to-Rupee conversion and vice-versa convinced me that the high rates for phone calls were the reason no one called. Then the rates began dropping. Now, it is a comfortable single digit number per minute. Easily affordable. Still no calls. Most times only email invitations for weddings make their way to us. Sometimes only the information of a wedding trickles back to us. We do get loads of calls on birthdays and anniversaries from loving family members. Sometimes friends too. And for those, we are thankful. Festivals, for some reason, are altogether different.

We try to call all friends and family members on festivals. That can take over a week as there are loads of calls to be made but only so many hours during which to make them, due to the time difference. And during those times, sometimes, a poignant realization hits me - we are the only ones making these calls!! It has been extra tough since my dad passed away. Festivals are now a reminder of the days when we used to get a call/email/ecard from him. I try to call my mom and brother the night before (morning of, their time) and on the morning of (evening of that day, their time) - because I know they must be missing him too. And I like to believe that my calls provide them some comfort. But come evening (my time) on the day of, I am left alone to celebrate the occasion and to miss him. It hurts the most on those times. But I am getting used to it. I know I will eventually get to a point where I will be able to give without expecting to receive. That is called growing up, isn't it?

Put your listening ears on, mommy!

Just yesterday M came up to me and said - VERY quietly - "Mommy, I am not lellin at you, I am speaking nicely. I want you to speak nicely to me too. Don't lell at me, okay??"

!!!!!!!!!!! 

(I wasn't even "lelling"!! *whine*)

Note: "lelling"=yelling.

The hurt stays

The pain dulls

Eyes dry up

Your smile comes back,

and the dreams get easier

on your heart too.

You laugh again

and enjoy the festive times.

You forget the what-if's

and even forgive destiny

for taking him away so suddenly,

without giving you a chance to say goodbye.

 You remember him fondly

and recall the funny things he said or did.

You tell your daughters stories

of you and him.

You remember his gentle touch,

rough hands

and the  warm, soft hug,

even the sweet, serene voice.

You take contentment

from the fact that he didn't suffer.

You look at the survivors he left behind -

They seem to be doing fine.

The world is still the same.

People still go to work, children to school

They still eat, laugh, love and have fun.

They still throw parties,

go to the beach, fruit picking and

the movies.

But you have changed.

You might not be sad anymore, the tears have dried up

and the laughter returned.

But the hurt stayed,

and changed you forever.

Somebody please save the Indian Male Child

... from becoming a weak, inefficient, non-productive member of the family. From becoming the man who cannot serve himself his food, or wash his clothes or even cook for himself. For his mother definitely won't!

Us Indian mothers have a propensity to mollycoddle our children. So much so that we sometimes feed our 30 year old sons by hand. I have seen plenty of example of sons being pampered by their mothers and aunts. I have firsthand experience too. Once I had a fight with one of my aunts because she suggested that the girls of the family get up earlier (than usual) and do their chores. No such thing was mentioned about the boys so when I asked her what the boys were supposed to do, my aunt said "Why would they do anything?" (my mom and her sisters had gathered at their brother's house during summer break. Us cousins had a great time - we were 5 or 6 girls and 2 boys). Boy! There was a BIG blowout between me and my aunt :P

Recently, we were at a dinner with friends where the kids ranged, in age, from 3 years (M - the youngest) to 11.5 years (S - the oldest). I served food for M and told S to serve herself. Another friend turned to her 10 year old son and said "Let me feed your brother and then I will serve food for you". I was flabbergasted! A 10 year old cannot serve himself some food when it is all laid out on the table?? The same boy once, while standing right next to the refrigerator, told her mom to keep his drink in the fridge, left the drink on the counter-top and walked away. The mom didn't even bat an eyelid! It didn't even occur to her to say "You are standing right next to the fridge - why don't you just open the door and pop it in?" He would have, if she had just said that. He is, otherwise, a quite helpful lad. He notices if someone needs help carrying stuff and offers to help all the time.

The thing is (I think) his mother doesn't think he should be helping out in the kitchen or it probably doesn't occur to her that he can serve himself food or make himself useful in the kitchen. After all, didn't we all grow up witnessing our brothers being handed their food, milk and water in their hands, not being asked to help around the kitchen AT ALL and not being expected to do anything around the house? It was the girls who were expected to help around the house. Boys just had to loll around and help only when big boxes needed to be carried. Fortunately, I was spared that kind of upbringing. In our family both my brother and I helped out as and when needed. So he could be found serving tea to the guests while I would be lugging their suitcases in.

Another friend feeds her 10 year old by hand if he fusses over the food. My mind boggles. And why is it that I see these moms doing these things only for their sons? The second friend I mentioned also has a 12 year old daughter. The daughter has been taught to serve herself and eat on her own. My sister in-law worries that she might never be able to take a full time job because then who will take care of her kids? Kids who are 9 and 15 years old! They should be able to serve and heat their own food. Or pour themselves milk. Or peel a banana. They shouldn't need a grandmother or a babysitter to hand them a glass of milk. My older daughter was pouring milk and making toasts for herself at 5. I would have taught the same things to a son. M, at 3.5 years of age, helps her sister set up the table, cleans up her toys, wipes up any spilled milk or water (which is a daily occurrence these days) and helps unload the dishwasher if allowed to do so. She would have been doing all this even if she were a "he".

One could say that it isn't really necessary to teach boys/kids to do chores around the house in India, since there are maids to do everything and it isn't really fair to have them do what we don't. It does seem to be a sound argument until we realize that one day these kids will start out on their own and then they might not have maids to do the work for them. At that time they will be better prepared with the training.

Why do these moms cripple their kids so? Don't they realize that they are doing their kids a BIG disservice by not allowing them to become independent individuals? I do feel a little reassured when I hear about a cousin's 7 year old son who rinses the dishes in the sink and loads the dishwasher. Or when I see the said cousin, my husband J, my own brother and a few other men in our friend circle pitching in equally to take care of the children or their houses and kitchens. I saw my father cook, clean, wash and do everything else that my mother did or could do. These men learned. Many do so once they are out of their parents' homes and not the recipients of their mothers' mollycoddling. Mostly, it becomes a matter of "do or die" so they "do". So will the boys of the younger generation. Their mothers can give them a headstart by teaching them now.

You think YOUR commute this morning was bad?

There is a traffic jam in Beijing, China that has been going on for NINE (9) days now! Average time spent by an individual in the jam is THREE (3) days!! THAT should give you a whole new perspective on how tough your commute is!

News excerpt: 

China's nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km

August 23, 2010

Enlarge

Vehicles on the road through the central business district in Beijing on August 4. Thousands of vehicles are bogged down in a more than 100-kilometre (62-mile) traffic jam lon the Beijing-Tibet expressway that has lasted nine days and highlights China's growing road congestion woes.

Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometre (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days and highlights China's growing road congestion woes.

Weight-y matters

Note: I have cross-posted this at Stage Of Life, where I have recently started contributing as a featured writer.


I think there are very few people who are satisfied with their weight. Some want to lose weight while a few others need to gain some. I have seen a lot of articles on the importance of not talking about your weight in front of your kids. The latest was this one. With all due respect to the First Lady, and other parents who think along similar lines, I beg to differ. I'll explain why. 


My first instinct was to write how not talking to kids about weight is wrong. That we shouldn't just sweep all matters regarding weight under the carpet. Instead we should talk about weight, the healthy range of it and healthy habits to maintain it in the healthy range. Then I realized that I was looking at this issue from the other extreme end, similar to these parents. One extreme is not to talk to the kids about weight at all. The other is to overload them with talks about weight and its management.  I then attempted to understand where both opinions originate from.


I have seen and heard about parents who constantly monitor what their kids are eating and how much. One acquaintance often reminds her son, who is just 6 or 7 years old and is at a healthy weight, not to eat too much. Keeps pointing to kids who don't eat too much and telling him to "learn something from them". This kind of behavior is a sure way to eating disorders, or at least to shoddy eating habits once the kid is old enough to move away from the parent's control zone.


On the other end, I know parents who don't try, at all, to cultivate healthy eating habits in their kids. Some might make token efforts to stop their kids from eating unlimited junk food but there is no real, sincere effort to educate the kids about the impact of being overweight on their health or the importance of eating a healthy, balanced diet.


It is okay not to talk to your kids about losing weight if you are at a healthy weight or just slightly over weight. When people can see that you are, at the most, only a few pounds overweight, or in the normal weight range for your height, any whining/ cribbing/ conversation about you wanting to lose weight can only come across as vanity. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but it IS the truth. When I was at a healthy weight, or even slightly overweight and wanted to lose a few pounds, I did not whine or crib about it. I kept at my exercise and sensible eating habits and flaunted any lost weight or inches with new, pretty clothes. But I did not sigh about the 5 pounds I needed to lose or the flabby arms that I needed to tone. I did not obsessively watch every calorie I ate and did not switch over to "I cannot believe it's not butter" from real butter. When my older daughter's pediatrician told us that she ran a higher risk of being an obese adolescent because her weight, at the age of two, was above the 97th percentile on the growth charts, I did not immediately cut off all fats and sugars from her diet. Instead, I started offering her a few healthier options in addition to the junk that all kids are fond of eating - a cookie followed by a tomato, a cucumber along with a small serving of potato chips. I also cut back on her TV time slowly. I did not want her to lose any weight. I just wanted her to develop healthier eating habits and a taste for the healthy foods which, I was sure, would go a long way in helping her stay in a healthy weight range and develop healthy habits for life. I was proven right. She still loves all the junk food in the world, and eats it. But she knows the importance of balancing a junk snack with healthy meals and other healthy snacks through the day. I have dinned into her that moderation is the key. And she understands the importance of physical activity in maintaining a balanced life-style. 


Until three years ago, I never talked to her about my desire to lose weight. I focused and placed emphasis on healthy eating and exercise. Then I underwent four IUI's and two IVF's. The hormones I injected into myself during the IVF cycles made me gain 25 pounds in 2 months. Then pregnancy piled on another 25. This, when I was already slightly overweight. As a result, I am now firmly plonked in the "obese" category, despite having lost almost all the pregnancy weight. The IVF pounds, as I like to call them, love me very much. They don't want to leave me. They cling to me and make me a soft, cuddly, lovable (I wish!) person. 


In late 2008 I was diagnosed with hypertension and have been on blood pressure medication since then. I had Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy and am afraid that if I don't lose the weight, I will be saddled with Type 2 diabetes in just a matter of a few years. I carry a higher risk of stroke, heart disease, cancer and diabetes, among other things, because of my family history and weight. That is why I am trying to lose weight. I watch what I eat (maybe not enough). And I skip family dinners to go to the gym. When my daughter asks me why I don't eat dinner with the rest of the family any more, I tell her "because reaching a healthy weight is a higher priority for me and our family at this moment" and also tell her why this extra weight is not good for me. I list the risks I run by staying at this weight.


What I don't do is that I don't moan about my dress sizes or how I feel I look fat and ugly in anything I wear (yes, I have those days!) I don't starve myself to a thin body. And I definitely do not deprive myself of the foods I love to eat. (I am constantly struggling with portion sizes and getting better at it) Instead, I show her (by example) that I choose to eat a plate of salad before I go for that small piece of cake. And drag my ass to the gym even on days when I would rather lie down and die in the driveway.


I don't think sweeping our weight/health issues under the carpet does our kids any good. Even if we ARE at a healthy weight, how will not talking AT ALL about weight help our kids understand how to stay healthy? How will they know how to manage their weight and health and to avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy habits once they are on their own and not under our watch? Instead, I say, we should focus on talking about weight and health in a way that teaches them how to maintain their health by following an exercise program and a healthy diet. We should teach them the importance of staying healthy.


We all know that talking to our kids about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and contraception (in an age appropriate manner) will help them keep safe when they do become sexually active. Then why do we avoid talking to them about something that is much easier and less embarrassing to talk about and equally important? I do understand why some people believe we should not talk to our kids about weight at all. It is because if we stress on the wrong points, like dress sizes, then that is all they will associate it with.  If we don't talk about the health aspect of maintaining a healthy weight, then all they will equate it with is losing weight to look great . And if we don't tell them that the best way to lose/maintain a healthy weight is by a balanced diet and exercise, they will fall in the traps of senseless diets or eating disorders. But not talking about it is NOT the solution. The solution is to talk to them about why it is important to stay healthy and, sometimes, that might include talking about making efforts to reach a healthier weight.

It is nice when things work!

Last Friday, as I was coming home from work, I came up behind a city bus that runs the route that our home is on. It is a 30 mph zone and later turns into a 25 mph zone just about a mile from my home. This bus was doing somewhere between 38-41 mph. I followed it at a constant distance to see exactly how fast it was going. I was tempted to call up 911 and report the bus driver for reckless driving. Ours is a residential street, which means there are kids, dog walkers, walkers and runners going up and down the street. We have had our mailbox knocked right off the ground WITH its post and flung 20 meters by a speeding truck/bus (we don't know WHAT struck the mailbox, we just came home one day to find it lying 20 meters from where it was standing). However, I noted the bus number and then looked up the route information on the Transit company's website. From there I also got the Transit District's Administrator's email ID. I sent her (him?) the following email:

Hello L,

I have a concern regarding a Wheels bus, bus# xxx that was traveling on Route x between Walmart (at Route x) and Route y on Friday, August 6 2010 between 6.40 and 6.45 pm. 

This bus was traveling on W Road and I was right behind it starting from Walmart till A street. I felt it was going too fast so I followed it at a constant distance to get an estimate of the speed at which it was traveling. My car's speedometer registered 38 to 41 miles. This is a 25 mph zone. This really worries me as this is a residential street and also has two schools and a daycare on it. Buses traveling at such high speeds on this street pose a hazard to the residents, and specially the kids. I have seen other Wheels buses speed by on this road on other occasions as well.

Kindly consider this my formal complaint and take an action regarding this incident and inform me about what steps were taken to remedy this problem. You can call me at (xxx) xxx-xxxx if you have any further questions.

Thanks.

A concerned resident,

Cee Kay

Phone: (xxx) xxx-xxxx

This morning, just as I reached my office, I received a call from the Transit District Administrator's assistant. He told me that my complaint has been recorded and that he will talk with the bus driver. This is good!! I wasn't looking for a disciplinary action against the driver anyway. If I wanted that, I could have called 911. But if just a conversation or a warning will make the driver(s) drive more carefully, then that is all I want. I am impressed and happy that my complaint was taken seriously! One more reason for me to like the town that I live in.

Decisions, decisions!

Every disciplinary action of ours depends on the question "whose therapy will cost us more? J's and mine or the kids'?"

As of now, kids' therapy seems affordable. Plus, if we manage to give them a good education, they can find a good job and pay for it themselves. Man!! I am SO smashingly brilliant sometimes!! :D

Oh, the irony, the irony!!

Ro tagged me to write about the little ironies of motherhood. I'll comply. Only, I'd like to register a teeny-tiny objection about the term "ironies" at the very beginning of this post. Ironies? I don't think so. I think these are conspiracies against mothers. The seemingly innocent babies are conspiring against the poor mommies so that they don't get a single shut-eye, can't read a single sentence of ANY book and can't even go to the loo in peace. Don't agree with me? Read on!

1. The kids are busy watching the idiot box, or you are getting ready to go somewhere and the kids are ALL READY, waiting for you outside the house. You slip into the bathroom for that one quick "business" trip and the moment you sit down on the throne the door-banging sessions begin!

2. You tell you friends proudly about how junior has started going poo-poo in the pot and the next day you have a major clean-up operation on your hands. Or you tell you friend she is a good eater and she starts picking out the peas, the tomatoes, the meat the bread... Same goes for the boasts of "Oh she sleeps through" the night" or "She stays up ALL night". The little darlings make sure you are proven a liar in everyone's eyes. Again, and again, and AGAIN!

3. You spend the first 18 years swearing you will kick them out the door as soon as they hit 18 and then the rest of them hoping they'd come back, even if for a week.

4. You are not a homebody. You CANNOT be a stay-at-home mom - it'll kill you! The first day back to work, away from the baby, kills you.

5. You can't wait till you can finish your sentences before being interrupted by yet another "mommy...". When the time comes, your ears strain to hear if they have been calling your name, leaving sentences hanging half-finished in the air.

6. You yell at them, telling them to stop screaming.

7. You mourn the demise of romantic dinners out and then spend an entire dinner date talking about what junior must be doing right now, with the baby sitter.

8. You, who couldn't function without an 8-hour sleep, now buzz around on 4.5 hours' worth. And keep your composure. And are still sweet. You even smile occasionally!

9. You never imagined life with kids. Kept your focus on the straight and narrow path of "life ambitions" and "goals". Now you can't imagine life without them. You don't remember what you filled your days with, before they came along.

10. The more you love them, the more love you have for them.

Ain't life strange??

Conversation startes

I recently got a friendship request on FB from a guy I studied with in high school. He also sent me a message. This:

"B K PAugust 2, 2010 at 6:57pm Subject: hi hi, b here. tum to moti ho gayi ho yaar.* bye, regards." (I have changed his name for privacy purposes) *Translation: You have grown fat, my friend!

So, no "How are you?" or "Where are you these days?". Instead a comment about a fact  that I am only too aware of. I mean, can you imagine anyone not being aware of their weight, be it under or over the normal range? How, or why is it acceptable to start a conversation with this gem - specially when you are getting back in touch with that person after 22 frigging years?Did you not grow up AT ALL during those 22 years to realize that this is NOT a polite thing to say? Well, he is not alone. I have had a fair share of such rude, nosy people.

Take the uncleji who came to express his condolences to us, 2 days after my dad passed away. I opened the door and the first comment out of his mouth was "Arrey, tum to bahut moti ho gayee ho?!" [Oh! You have grown so fat?!] Forget "I am so sorry for your loss" or "I hope he didn't suffer too long" or any such comment, however half hearted. Nope. His main concern was my weight. And his sister, who came with him, was concerned that I left my 1.5 year old daughter at home with my husband. Poor little girl - I should have brought her with me. And poor J! He had to take care of a toddler AND work full time -something I also do when J goes on business trips or trainings. But it is difficult for the men, you know! And you should NOT leave your kids behind. Usko to saath me laana tha (you should have brought at least her along). I bit my tongue to stop myself from asking her "And how is it YOUR business??"

An auntyji, who lives right across the street from my mom, uttered this when she first met me after I had M, my second daughter:

"Congratulations dear, on birth of your daughter! Don't worry, these days daughters are considered as good as sons". 2.5 years later, I still haven't recovered from the WTF-ness of that comment. I swear I was SMILING my broadest smile when I met her so there could have been NO mistake regarding how I felt about having two daughters. 

This is the same auntyji whose son came over to our house, long back - more than 20 years ago - to give some advise to my PARENTS. My parents were as old as HIS parents (just for perspective before I narrate his "advise"). He advised my parents not to send me to a co-ed college (I was planning to sign up for the Electronics-Math-Physics stream at the local science college which had opened its doors to girls only a few years ago) My dad, I believe, was not around. Only mom met him. She asked him his reasons (yeah, she is a MUCH nicer person than I am!) and he said "Ladkiyan bigad jati hain" [Girls get "spoiled" - yeah, girls are like milk or eggs or tomatoes in case you didn't know] My mom explained to him that girls get "spoiled" even when (and if) they are kept behind seven locked doors - if they so want. She said "We don't think keeping her behind locked doors - or sending her to an all-girls' college would help if she did want to fall into wrong company". She then thanked him for his concern and sent him away. Then she and Pa proceeded to help me fill out forms and go to the co-ed college. Later they helped me go to another co-ed college in another state. The concerned neighbor had probably given up hope on them ever seeing the light so he didn't try to talk them out of that! I don't know what he thought about me choosing my life partner while doing my Master's in Indore. I know for sure that he didn't try to talk my parents out of "allowing" me to marry the man of my choice. Oh, but others did! Just so you know :)

So, now back to what I was venting about. Rude people. Stupid people. People who have a serious I-don't-know-when-or-how-to-shut-up disorder. One of them told me, on more than one occasion, that I should try and lose weight. His friend's wife had! "Dunno what she did, but she stopped eating for a while and lost a lot of weight. Now she really looks very nice" - he said. Then one day he told me I really needed to learn how to keep my house clean. Why? Because the sink was full after we had all had a meal with two veggies and a daal plus a sweet dish. (I didn't have a dishwasher) And I think the counter was also cluttered with all the spices etc. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he is not one of the friends I regularly exchange pleasantries with through email and phone calls.

I even remember an old hag commenting "She is SO FAT and she is still having lactation problems?" after I had my first daughter. As these comments come back to me, I am amazed at how, ALL my life, I have been plagued with idiots. People commenting on my weight, people commenting on my inability to nurse my daughters, people commenting on my inability to conceive the second time around, people commenting on my complexion. An old female relative's reply to my "namaste" when we met after more than 3 years? "She is fairer now!!" Wow! Thank you!! My life's ambition has been fulfilled!

One uncleji said to me, when I showed him photos from my engagement "Ek baat to hai - ladka apni ladki se jyada achchha dikhta hai" [One thing is for sure - the boy looks way better than our girl (yours truly)] My reply was "Just goes to show who is smarter". He was left saying "he he he" for some time. But WHY should I have to defend myself? Or put someone else down to deflect the insult??

Because of these idiots, I suffered from a complex all my life. At 52 kgs I thought I was fat! Now, I regret at having lost all those years to those complexes when I could have enjoyed myself better. Thankfully I don't suffer from those now. I even tell people to take a hike every now and then. Suggest a scenic route that ends right above a beautiful lake full of sharks. And tell them to take a flying leap into that lake.

My reply to that "friend" on FB?

Cee Kay August 2 at 11:33am

Hmmmm...

And your point is??

You find me after, what, 22 years and that is all you could think of saying? Really?! Wow!! Good conversation skills! Way to go!!

I am DONE taking insults! No more Ms. Nice n Smiley.

Note: I am almost scared in asking this, because I know this might bring forth a barrage of unpleasant memories - but do share your experiences in the comments section. Let's cuss these idiots out and vent some anger and frustration in a safe, friendly environment :D

Worthy matters

Are housewives really "economically non-productive workers", just like beggars and prostitutes? At least that is what the govt. of India believes and that is, indeed, a belief supported and propagated by many, including many housewives. If you are not bringing in the money, you are non-productive. Doesn't matter even if you are doing everything else to keep your home running smoothly. That doesn't count! The sweat and blood you put into bringing your kids up doesn't count! The three thousand and nineteen things you juggle every single day don't count! Basically nothing counts even if you do everything except bring in the dough. Sadly, such is our society and such are our views.

I have struggled with this issue plenty - what is my worth? How important a part am I, of my family? I have been on both the sides and I still don't know for sure. J can do, and does everything for the kids and the house that I do, except cook. When I didn't have a job, I thought long and hard about how it would affect him if I were to die this instant. And I couldn't reach a conclusion. Now that I am back in the workforce, I still doubt my worth because I bring in less money than J does. To his credit, he has NEVER made me feel inferior on this account. (Oh heck, on ANY account!) It is all in MY mind. 

The best reassurance I ever got on this issue came from our financial advisor when he was helping us plan how much life-insurance we needed to buy for each of us. I assumed Jay's would be more because he earns more than I do, and I was right. I also assumed I didn't need any, or needed very little because I was bringing in peanuts (a 250 gm packet every month, to be very specific). He explained to me that my worth was hidden in everything else I did that J would need to pay to get done, if I were to say buh-bye to this world. I am telling you THAT was the biggest reassurance I have ever gotten.

So I ask the government of India - if a housewife were to pass away, leaving behind her husband and kids, and assuming that the husband wouldn't have ANY help from family or friends - what would he need to pay other people to do what his wife does? I think the answer would leave many people thinking hard!

I am not one to sing praises of the studies that deduce what the monetary worth of a housewife is because I feel it only superficially glorifies what a woman does. If it were to bring a concrete change to a society's mentality, I'd be all for it. But there IS something to be said for such studies because they do point out the one fact that we choose to ignore - A HOUSEWIFE IS AN EQUAL AND CONTRIBUTING PARTNER IN THE HOUSEHOLD!!

Note: Previously published on Desicritics. org