No. Really. Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones or the crabbiness that comes over one after a sickness, but I am increasingly getting annoyed with people. Insensitive jerks, pompous asses, egoists and egotists. And all others who manage to annoy the heck out of me for some reason or the other.
There is this kid at my daughter's school. I see his mom almost every day when I pick S up from the after-school program. Every single time, without fail, she looks at me and goes "Oh GOD! You're HUGE!!". And the accompanying expression is not of humor or sympathy. It borderlines on contempt. I am at a point where I feel like saying "And that is a problem because....?"
I have no delusions about how huge I am in this pregnancy. During the one year of infertility treatments, specifically during the two IVF cycles, I put on more than 20 pounds. The combined stress of the treatment, in-law visit, a full time job and responsibilities at home and in the community (I am actively involved in my daughter's school's PTO) were the underlying factors. At the start of this pregnancy, I was 20 pounds heavier (!!!) than my full-term weight during my first pregnancy. I was 158 pounds (roughly 72 kgs) full-term in my last pregnancy. I had gained only 26 pounds (about 12 kgs) and had a very healthy pregnancy. This time, I started at 174 pounds. I am determined to keep my weight gain under or at 25 pounds (with my OB/GYN's agreement) and so far I have been successful. But I DO NOT stress about my weight. I just eat healthy and try to stay active. And yes, I do gorge on foods that I like occasionally. (OK - more than occasionally. Happy??)
So, going back to the original issue - when this mom says what she does, in the tone that she uses with the expression that she has - it brings my blood to a boil. In the beginning I didn't mind. I even replied with "I think there might be more than two in there!!" or "Yeah, I already look like I am ready to pop. Right?!" But this woman goes on incessantly about my size as long as I am within a 10 feet radius. I am about ready to smack her on upside of her head.
At work too, there are some insensitive jerks who KNOW I have been through two IVF cycles and that I gained more than 20 pounds during those cycles. This morning, I walked into the kitchen to get a cup of tea. This nurse, who is on our staff, was in there. She looked at me and said "God! You are ready to pop!". So I said humorously - "Yes, tell me about it. I am going to ask my OB/GYN to look more closely during the next ultrasound and see if there's another baby lurking in there!" To which she said "No, you ARE ready to pop. Are you dilated?" When I said no, I was still 2 months away from my due date, she said "Are you sure???". I was speechless. Wouldn't I know when my due date was?
And I absolutely do not get why every one wants to touch and rub a pregnant belly in this country. First of all, I am a private person. I don't touch people unnecessarily and I don't want anyone touching me for no reason either. My ballooning belly is NOT a reason. It should not be! Second, often times, The Peanut is so tightly wedged in some corner that her heel or elbow constantly digs at one point and makes it extremely sore. So much so that I can't even bear the brush of my shirt against my skin at those times. At such times, should someone attempt to touch my belly, I SNAP at them. I eat them alive. And then spit them out in a heap of broken bones. Or at least I dream of doing so. On one occasion, when one considerate soul asked me if I minded anyone touching my belly, I told her all this. And she has been kind and considerate enough to remember this. There were a few other individuals present at the time I gave this explanation and they heard every single word of it. The next incident relates to one of those individuals.
Not long after I explained my reasons for disliking being touched on my belly, I walked into the kitchen one day and found 3 of my co-workers eating there lunch in there. As I was talking to them, one of them slipped her hand UNDER my shirt and started stroking my belly!! I was dumbfounded and just excused myself from there. But I kept fuming about it for a long time. Then one day, the same woman grabbed me by my arm as I was passing her table and tried to stroke my belly again. This time, I just grabbed her hand and told her not to do it. She persisted, saying she wanted to say Hi to the baby. I told her to say her Hi's and Hello's from a distance because I was "not in a mood to be touched". She hasn't attempted to touch me ever since.
Then there is this co-worker of mine who seems to think that I am his personal assistant. Ever since he joined the company last year, he has tried, on a number of occasions, to pass off "menial" tasks to me. Once he had to replace a hard drive on a server. He did. Then he asked me to call up Dell to ask them to send us a replacement because the server was still under warranty. If he needed to order something - he would come to me to get a purchase request prepared. If he needed to make a phone call to tech support, he would tell me to do it while he did the "serious" stuff. Not that I mind helping someone out. But I can see when they need my help and when they are just trying to offload their work on me. Every single time I diplomatically told him to do it himself. If he asked me to call tech support, I'd email him the phone number. if he asked me to mail something out, I'd tell him where to find the mailing supplies. If he needed information on our off-shore team's timings, I sent him their contact numbers and a best time to reach them. I thought I was making it clear to him slowly that I am not his secretary. Seems I was wrong about his getting the message though. Today, he came to me to ask me if I had a spare laptop which he could swap a DVD drive out of for another laptop that urgently needed one. The other laptop is still under warranty so I told him to order a replacement but he needed it ASAP. So, I gave him one spare laptop that I did have. He swapped out the drives, installed the good one in the laptop that needed it, and then brought the defective drive to my office and was about to leave it on my desk!! The message was clear - call Dell and ask for a replacement. I was furious inside. but I managed to say nicely to him - "Could you call Dell to request a replacement for this please?" To which he said "You won't do it? You are very busy, right?" Well, heck yeah!! Aaaaaaaaaaarggggghhhhhhhhh!! Anyway, I hope he got the message this time. If not, I might not be as nice the next time.
Seriously. What IS wrong with these people??
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Now it runs in the family...
Sickness, that is. I started coughing last Thursday, March 15th. Must have caught it from Barbara at work. Slept most of the weekend away and attributed it to laziness. By Monday morning, March 19th, I had a 102 fever. Had already taken that day off to "relax" so didn't have to call in sick. OB/GYN suggested I go see my physician because of the cough AND fever so I did. She diagnosed BRONCHITIS!!! Started me on Anti-biotics. I could barely drive myself back from her office - I was so drained out. And was kicking myself for refusing my husband's offer of help to drive me to and from the doctor's office. I decided to pick my daughter up from her school on my way and when I did, the first thing she mentioned was her cough. I had surely passed on my ailment to my darling. **SOB** All the moments from the weekend and the week before rushed back - how I had cuddled with her in bed most of saturday and sunday, how I had read to her every night for the past few nights (a BIG accomplishment lately). How I had smothered her with kisses on more than one occasion. Oh well...
Tuesday, we woke up to find her burning with a 102/103 fever. Cancelled school (much to her chagrin because she WANTED TO GO TO SCHOOL), I called in sick because my fever hadn't gone down and the cough was worse and took an appointment from her doctor. Who confirmed what I suspected. Bronchitis. Again, I was so drained coming back from the doctor's office that I couldn't even bear to drop her prescription off at the pharmacy so my husband could pick it up later. Poor hubby had to come all the way from his work to pick up the prescription, get it filled and drop the meds off at home before rushing off to work again.
He thoroughly pampered me. Never once did I miss my mom or dad (who are usually the first ones to be missed whenever I am sick because I remember all those days gone by when they took such good care of me during sickness). In the evening I was feeling strong enough to make Pulao (Rice pilaf) and "Boondi Raita" (kind of yogurt salad - to make a feeble attempt at explaining what it is in brief). Till then we had been eating left overs from the last week. So this little bit of "freshly cooked" food was a welcome change. Again, this was all I could do before collapsing in bed with exhaustion. My husband, from now on J - for convenience, cleaned up the kitchen. I mean he REALLY cleaned it up! Yeah. I know. You fail to find the reason for excitement in this bit of information. But consider this. J HATES CLEANING UP THE KITCHEN. HE HATES COOKING. He does help me a lot around the kitchen despite his strong feelings of hate - without me having to twist his arm. And I appreciate that genuinely. But the fact that he decided to clean the kitchen all on his own AND left it Spic N Span speaks volumes for how pampered I felt just because of this.
Now before anyone starts on how J should help around the house equally, and how kitchen duty shouldn't be mine alone, let me interrupt. I clean the kitchen, I cook. I do some other tasks around the house. J does the laundry, irons almost ALL our clothes, cleans/organizes the house, does grocery for me when i don't feel like stepping out of the house (which is frequently the case these days), shovels the snow, sands-n-salts the driveway before each snow-storm, takes the garbage out, helps our daughter get ready for bed, drops her off at the bus stop every morning, takes her to at least two of her extra curricular activities (I take her to some too), remembers to give me my pre-natal vitamins every night after dinner, fills up the tank in my car, takes my car in for regular servicing..... The list is HUGE. ENDLESS. THAT is how skewed the distribution of tasks in our household currently is. And I shamelessly enjoy it :D But I appreciate all he does sincerely too. So don't anyone start on how J needs to take better care of me! He is doing more than his fair share.
Anyway, coming back to the MAIN story...
Wednesday, my daughter, S from here on, was still burning with fever. 104! Point 3!!! So I spent the day taking her temperature and deciding whether she needed another dose of Motrin or not. Come evening, J came back from work complaining of "burning" eyes, a cough and a general feeling of tiredness. By evening I was feeling better enough to cook another meal so I did. And later J and I cleaned up the kitchen together before both of us fell in bed exhausted - me from the three day old sickness that was taking its toll on me for lack of rest and J from the infection that both of us could feel was descending upon him.
This morning, J woke up with a fever of 102 and I woke up to find that my fever has finally broken (Means I go back to work tomorrow **SOB**). So now the roles are reversed. Though I am still a little shaky and exhausted, I AM THE BOSS NOW as I told J :P Forced him to take a nap. So right now he and S are napping in the guest bedroom while I type this post - before I go take my power nap.
Oh and I am back to the grind on the work front too. Last night one of my co-workers finished a project of his that required some Network down-time. Been fixing phone and fax issues and whatnot since morning. Am doing my bit by helping out remotely. Work, sick child, sick husband, sick self, pregnant self, home - let the juggling resume!!
Tuesday, we woke up to find her burning with a 102/103 fever. Cancelled school (much to her chagrin because she WANTED TO GO TO SCHOOL), I called in sick because my fever hadn't gone down and the cough was worse and took an appointment from her doctor. Who confirmed what I suspected. Bronchitis. Again, I was so drained coming back from the doctor's office that I couldn't even bear to drop her prescription off at the pharmacy so my husband could pick it up later. Poor hubby had to come all the way from his work to pick up the prescription, get it filled and drop the meds off at home before rushing off to work again.
He thoroughly pampered me. Never once did I miss my mom or dad (who are usually the first ones to be missed whenever I am sick because I remember all those days gone by when they took such good care of me during sickness). In the evening I was feeling strong enough to make Pulao (Rice pilaf) and "Boondi Raita" (kind of yogurt salad - to make a feeble attempt at explaining what it is in brief). Till then we had been eating left overs from the last week. So this little bit of "freshly cooked" food was a welcome change. Again, this was all I could do before collapsing in bed with exhaustion. My husband, from now on J - for convenience, cleaned up the kitchen. I mean he REALLY cleaned it up! Yeah. I know. You fail to find the reason for excitement in this bit of information. But consider this. J HATES CLEANING UP THE KITCHEN. HE HATES COOKING. He does help me a lot around the kitchen despite his strong feelings of hate - without me having to twist his arm. And I appreciate that genuinely. But the fact that he decided to clean the kitchen all on his own AND left it Spic N Span speaks volumes for how pampered I felt just because of this.
Now before anyone starts on how J should help around the house equally, and how kitchen duty shouldn't be mine alone, let me interrupt. I clean the kitchen, I cook. I do some other tasks around the house. J does the laundry, irons almost ALL our clothes, cleans/organizes the house, does grocery for me when i don't feel like stepping out of the house (which is frequently the case these days), shovels the snow, sands-n-salts the driveway before each snow-storm, takes the garbage out, helps our daughter get ready for bed, drops her off at the bus stop every morning, takes her to at least two of her extra curricular activities (I take her to some too), remembers to give me my pre-natal vitamins every night after dinner, fills up the tank in my car, takes my car in for regular servicing..... The list is HUGE. ENDLESS. THAT is how skewed the distribution of tasks in our household currently is. And I shamelessly enjoy it :D But I appreciate all he does sincerely too. So don't anyone start on how J needs to take better care of me! He is doing more than his fair share.
Anyway, coming back to the MAIN story...
Wednesday, my daughter, S from here on, was still burning with fever. 104! Point 3!!! So I spent the day taking her temperature and deciding whether she needed another dose of Motrin or not. Come evening, J came back from work complaining of "burning" eyes, a cough and a general feeling of tiredness. By evening I was feeling better enough to cook another meal so I did. And later J and I cleaned up the kitchen together before both of us fell in bed exhausted - me from the three day old sickness that was taking its toll on me for lack of rest and J from the infection that both of us could feel was descending upon him.
This morning, J woke up with a fever of 102 and I woke up to find that my fever has finally broken (Means I go back to work tomorrow **SOB**). So now the roles are reversed. Though I am still a little shaky and exhausted, I AM THE BOSS NOW as I told J :P Forced him to take a nap. So right now he and S are napping in the guest bedroom while I type this post - before I go take my power nap.
Oh and I am back to the grind on the work front too. Last night one of my co-workers finished a project of his that required some Network down-time. Been fixing phone and fax issues and whatnot since morning. Am doing my bit by helping out remotely. Work, sick child, sick husband, sick self, pregnant self, home - let the juggling resume!!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Challenge...
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything better than you!
Husband: Really??
Me: Yes. Really!!
Husband: Well, then touch your toes!
Me: .........................
Husband: Really??
Me: Yes. Really!!
Husband: Well, then touch your toes!
Me: .........................
Saturday, March 17, 2007
In This Pregnancy...
Three things that I am GAINING - Butt, Belly and Boobs.
Three things I am losing - Sleep, Sanity and Sense of Humor.
Three things I am losing - Sleep, Sanity and Sense of Humor.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Pregnancy Update!!
Last night I cried. Not big, heaving sobs, but a brief, quiet, tears-flowing-down-my-face kind of crying. I cried because I and my husband saw a "bump" on my abdomen for the first time in this pregnancy. And then "The Peanut" KICKED!!! I have been feeling movements for quite some time now, but this was the first kick that even my husband felt very clearly. I cried because before I got pregnant with IVF, I had given up hope on ever being able to feel that kick again. I had given up hope that I would ever experience the joys and discomforts of pregnancy again. That kick brought the realization that I AM pregnant. Almost into my third trimester now, actually. That there IS a baby inside me. Really. I keep forgetting that I am pregnant, what with all the running around I am doing all day long. Even though I am BIG! No - make that HUGE!! Each movement brings the same realization back - I AM PREGNANT!! I am not exaggerating. I really do get that sense of wonder with every movement.
I have hardly written anything about the pregnancy. Partly because I have been so busy and partly because it all still feels so surreal. Its like I am in a dream, nervous that as soon as I wake up, every thing will go back to "normal". One husband, one kid, one un-pregnant me.
I haven't even mentioned that we tried to find out the sex of the baby. But couldn't because the baby wouldn't co-operate. We have finally decided that the baby is a girl - because "she" so stubbornly refused to come out from under the placenta to help us find out. (That was the doctor's opinion!) So much so, that we had to schedule another ultra-sound because the doctor couldn't even get a good look at the heart, the brain and other organs which an 20 week ultra-sound is conducted for. By the next appointment, we had decided we didn't want to find out after all. But we are still sure the baby is a girl. Also because my daughter wants a baby sister. She says she is ready to share her room with the baby if it is a girl but if it turns out to be a boy, we will have to find another room for him :D So, a girl it is!!
The day before yesterday, I was very tired and uncomfortable because I had had this sore spot in my abdomen that made even normal breathing painful and ANY movement impossible. I guess The Peanut had found a comfortable spot against my ribs with her feet pushing against my abdomen wall and spent all day there. By evening, I was miserable. My daughter took one look at me and said "Come mommy, I'll take you to your 'personal relaxing place'!" She told me to close my eyes, took me by my hand and walked me to the office and sat me down in the chair in front of the computer. I thought she meant to say "Here, do what you like the most - play Spider Solitaire". But - NO. Then she turned the chair around, got me a stool to prop my feet up on and then proceeded to take my shoes off. After that, she started giving me a foot massage!! Then followed a hand/palm massage with her little fingers and then a neck massage. Then she rolled and rotated my neck gently to loosen up the stiff muscles and then made me stretch my arms out and did the same thing with them. In the end she massaged my scalp. THE WHOLE PERSONAL SPA TREATMENT!!!!!!!! From an 8 YEAR OLD!! I mean where DID she learn all that from?!! I was overcome with emotion. And I thanked God for my beautiful little daughter. Who takes care of her mother like a mother would.
THANK YOU AGAIN, GOD!
I have hardly written anything about the pregnancy. Partly because I have been so busy and partly because it all still feels so surreal. Its like I am in a dream, nervous that as soon as I wake up, every thing will go back to "normal". One husband, one kid, one un-pregnant me.
I haven't even mentioned that we tried to find out the sex of the baby. But couldn't because the baby wouldn't co-operate. We have finally decided that the baby is a girl - because "she" so stubbornly refused to come out from under the placenta to help us find out. (That was the doctor's opinion!) So much so, that we had to schedule another ultra-sound because the doctor couldn't even get a good look at the heart, the brain and other organs which an 20 week ultra-sound is conducted for. By the next appointment, we had decided we didn't want to find out after all. But we are still sure the baby is a girl. Also because my daughter wants a baby sister. She says she is ready to share her room with the baby if it is a girl but if it turns out to be a boy, we will have to find another room for him :D So, a girl it is!!
The day before yesterday, I was very tired and uncomfortable because I had had this sore spot in my abdomen that made even normal breathing painful and ANY movement impossible. I guess The Peanut had found a comfortable spot against my ribs with her feet pushing against my abdomen wall and spent all day there. By evening, I was miserable. My daughter took one look at me and said "Come mommy, I'll take you to your 'personal relaxing place'!" She told me to close my eyes, took me by my hand and walked me to the office and sat me down in the chair in front of the computer. I thought she meant to say "Here, do what you like the most - play Spider Solitaire". But - NO. Then she turned the chair around, got me a stool to prop my feet up on and then proceeded to take my shoes off. After that, she started giving me a foot massage!! Then followed a hand/palm massage with her little fingers and then a neck massage. Then she rolled and rotated my neck gently to loosen up the stiff muscles and then made me stretch my arms out and did the same thing with them. In the end she massaged my scalp. THE WHOLE PERSONAL SPA TREATMENT!!!!!!!! From an 8 YEAR OLD!! I mean where DID she learn all that from?!! I was overcome with emotion. And I thanked God for my beautiful little daughter. Who takes care of her mother like a mother would.
THANK YOU AGAIN, GOD!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
BLANK NOISE - ACTION HEROES: My Contribution
I know the project says to post your experience on March 8th but knowing me and my swiss-cheese memory, there is a better than good chance that I will forget to post it on that very day. I am not taking any chances with this one! So here is my post, two days early.
The year was 1995 and the movie Karan Arjun had just been released. I got together with two other friends to go see the movie as my favorite actor, Shahrukh Khan (!!!!) was starring in it. We got into the theater quite easily even though there was quite the mad rush for this movie. But as soon as we got in, we got separated by the throngs of crowd. While I was looking around for my seat and for my friends, I felt someone grope my breasts. I wasn't sure but in a few minutes there he was again! I waited. Like a lioness waits for her prey :D The next instant, as "the hand" groped me again, I grabbed a finger and TWISTED it with ALL my might. And I didn't let go when he tried to yank his hand back. I kept twisting and almost broke his finger off - all the while calmly looking around for my friends. Then I hit another person, who was trying to get "too close for comfort" squarely and solidly in the chest with my helmet (I used to ride my BAJAJ SUPER FE Scooter all around town with a Full-Mask helmet!) Quite a few people caught that exchange (well - the exchange of the blow and the "ow") No one bothered me after that! I still get a rush of satisfaction when ever I think about that incidence. I wish I had done something similar to EVERY ONE who ever dared to lay a finger (or even think about it) on me.
The year was 1995 and the movie Karan Arjun had just been released. I got together with two other friends to go see the movie as my favorite actor, Shahrukh Khan (!!!!) was starring in it. We got into the theater quite easily even though there was quite the mad rush for this movie. But as soon as we got in, we got separated by the throngs of crowd. While I was looking around for my seat and for my friends, I felt someone grope my breasts. I wasn't sure but in a few minutes there he was again! I waited. Like a lioness waits for her prey :D The next instant, as "the hand" groped me again, I grabbed a finger and TWISTED it with ALL my might. And I didn't let go when he tried to yank his hand back. I kept twisting and almost broke his finger off - all the while calmly looking around for my friends. Then I hit another person, who was trying to get "too close for comfort" squarely and solidly in the chest with my helmet (I used to ride my BAJAJ SUPER FE Scooter all around town with a Full-Mask helmet!) Quite a few people caught that exchange (well - the exchange of the blow and the "ow") No one bothered me after that! I still get a rush of satisfaction when ever I think about that incidence. I wish I had done something similar to EVERY ONE who ever dared to lay a finger (or even think about it) on me.
Monday, March 05, 2007
BLANK NOISE ACTION HEROS PROJECT
Last year, BLANK NOISE PROJECT held a blogathon about Street Sexual Harassment. Bloggers from all over the world participated and blogged about their experiences/memories of sexual harassment incidents. This was my contribution. This year they are asking every one to share experiences of times when they were an ACTION HERO and fought back against harassment. Follow this link for details: http://blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com/2007/02/blog-your-story-action-heroes-online_25.html#linkshttp://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif
This is what the project is about -
I'm definitely doin' it!
This is what the project is about -
share. talk. inspire. understand. tell. speak. hear. be heard.
narrate. voice. throw open.
When did you flip a situation so you could resist, when did you give back as hard as you got? When and how did you choose to confront? When did you become an Action Hero?
Being a 'HERO' is relative . We are interested in knowing how you
challenged yourself or didint feel victimised?
This is an attempt to understand how different women ( across age groups/ cultures/ communities) have dealt with street sexual harassment in their everyday lives. Male bloggers are encouraged to share stories of women in their lives and how they have dealt with street sexual harassment. Non bloggers are also invited to participate- email us your story. We will upload your email at www.blanknoiseactionheroes.blogspot.com
You could also be an agent- the one that collects stories of confrontation/ of heroism from your mother, grandmother, cousins, domestic workers, people in your office, the vegetable vendor, the woman bus conductor...anyone!
To confirm your participation, announce the event on your blog and email us the link right away!
Got any questions? email us at blurtblanknoise@gmail.com
I'm definitely doin' it!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
End of the debate? I don't think so.
The Mad Momma said she is “putting an end to the debate”. I disagree with both parts of it – it isn’t an end to the debate, it is just the beginning. And it is not a debate until the “other” party gets to put forth their views. Rohini has already done a very good job of putting forward the “other side of the coin”. There was something in the post that irked me right away (don’t take it personally Mad Momma :P I guess it just means you are a very good journalist to get people to react to what you write). I think it was the fact that her post didn’t leave any place for the “other” point of view on the subject at all. It didn’t acknowledge that it is OK for two people to hold different opinions without either of them being wrong. It presented a starkly black-and-white view of a complex subject. I had been outlining this reply to MM’s post for a long time – but deadlines at work and obligations in our social circle plus responsibilities at home combined with the fact that I am pregnant and struggling to keep my blood pressure under control kept me from even beginning to write it down. Then I read Rohini’s post and the urge to air my views took hold again.
I don’t agree with MM’s outlook on the need for a mom/parent to stay at home in order to be a better or effective parent. But I do respect her views. I firmly believe what Rohini says – Different strokes for different folks. What works for me might not work for every one else. I have changed more in these 8 years as a parent than I did in the 28 years before that. The most important thing I have realized is that though I might not agree with someone else’s parenting style, there is always something I could learn from them and that everyone’s parenting – effective or otherwise – ultimately works for them (well mostly – I think I have made it clear on a few occasions that I have little tolerance for parents who don’t assert their authority).
I have a very close friend who, on a number of occasions, told me she only wanted one kid and that there were “ways to deal with an unwanted pregnancy”. Now I could never go through an abortion – that is one reason I opted not have amniocentesis done to find out if the baby has any chromosomal defects (it is highly recommended for expecting mothers my age). I knew no matter what the result, I would keep the baby. So when this friend told me about these “other ways of dealing with an unwanted pregnancy”, I told her “never say never” and that being a mom she might not be able to take the ultimate step should the need arise. As luck would have it, she did get pregnant again by accident. She thought about it but couldn’t go through an abortion and decided to have the baby. I loved and respected her for that decision because I knew it wasn’t easy for her. But had she decided to abort, I would still have stood by her even though I didn’t agree with her. I try to acknowledge everyone’s reasons for doing certain things even if I don’t understand them. I try not to judge or criticize them.
Though I don’t think I could match MM’s passion that is reflected in her post or Rohini’s calculated and composed counter-arguments, I have to give it a try for MY peace of mind :D Through the years I have lost the compulsion to make my opinion known to one and all. If I believe in something and someone argues against it, I feel content in holding my beliefs without feeling the urge to make the other person accept or acknowledge them. But this somehow touched a nerve. So here’s my two cents…
MM says “Somehow I am amazed that people who see the need to reason with their children and not spank them, cannot see the need to spend a lot more time with them and on their upbringing. I assume educated parents are the ones who realise the importance of a good upbringing and time”. I don’t see how being a working-outside-home mother would conflict with that. A good upbringing is not based on time. In the limited amount of time that I spend with my daughter, I am still giving her good values and providing a good upbringing. Besides, in my opinion, values and discipline are what my child practices BEHIND my back. If I can get my child to behave in a civilized manner and hold true all the values that I have taught her even in my absence, I have done my job well. And being a working parent doesn’t mean I don’t spend a good amount of time with her. Maybe not as much as a stay-at-home mom, but it isn’t in durations of mere minutes either. In fact, to maximize our time with her, I and my husband have curtailed our adult-only social activities to a great degree. We try to involve her in whatever we are doing. Doesn’t mean that we are not spending alone-time together – which I believe every couple should. We try to get together for lunch during work hours, or go out for an occasional movie when she is away at a friend’s house for a play-date. Scheduling these activities at times when she is otherwise occupied at school or at a play-date allows us to spend the rest of the time with her and not feel like we don’t have any “grown-up” time left for us. A nice balance, in my opinion (even if I say so myself :D)
It is not necessary for me to stay at home all day to teach my child math through fun games, teach her colors by integrating it in my daily conversations with her or to read to her. Despite working out of home full-time, I still manage to do all this. My daughter was having problem understanding money math at school – so I collaborated with her teacher in helping her with it, found some fun math game sites where she could practice and played those games with her. Every time I give her money to buy lunch at school, I have her calculate how much change will be due her at the end of the transaction. We discuss science ideas while we are driving to her swimming practice. We often digress from our conversations and dissect a particular word for its origin and meaning. We discuss what she learned about drugs and addiction in health class while I cook. She tells me if anything funny or important happened at school either at bed time or over phone as soon as she gets home from school. I still read to her, or have her read to me now that she is becoming a better reader. I take out time every Sunday to take her to the library where we look for videos and books together. It indeed is a big commitment for me because weekend is the only time when I get the time and opportunity to catch up with the chores left over from the last week, get some work done for the next week and get some much-needed rest.
MM further says a working mother would not have the patience to let her kids try to clean up their messy rooms themselves. She would either yell at them for creating the mess or clean it up herself. Well, she doesn’t know me. I don’t do either. I firmly believe in teaching my daughter to pitch in. And I realized long ago what harm my yelling would do to her psyche. So, I reward my daughter with coupons for “Choosing the dinner menu for a night” or “Choosing a Family Game Night” for helping around the house. Or I simply praise her efforts. I ignore the mess until I can find the time to clean up with her. To me, more important than a clean room is the fact that when it is cleaned, it is cleaned willingly, with happiness and enthusiasm. I have no trouble stepping over a pile of clothes for a week as long as I can get to spend some quality time with my family. We keep the living room nice and clean so we can entertain guests there and the dining room is kept clean too since it is clearly visible from the living room. But I don’t fret over cleaning because I believe one thing – if a good friend comes over on a day when my house is excessively messy, he/she has two choices. 1. Ignore the mess and have a good time with us. 2. Clean it up themselves!
I understand where MM’s firm opinion on this issue comes from because she mentions how her mom’s job affected her in small and not-so-small ways. The resentment might have originated from the fact that she’d had her mom’s sole attention till she was 8. After that long time, having her mother go out to work might have seemed like she needed to compete with her mom’s job for attention – which is totally understandable in an 8 year old. The first thought that comes to my mind is there is no way her mother did that willingly. Our parents sometimes have obligations that we cannot comprehend. It takes a lot of determination to leave a sick child at home to go meet a commitment. And in doing that one also teaches their kids the importance of discipline and reliability. I know because I have been in a similar situation – I came down with chicken pox, my parents took as many days off as they could afford to. But when they couldn’t stay at home any longer, they enlisted a few trusted friends who would come visit us (my brother caught it shortly after I did), read us books, feed us and spend some time with us. What I learned from it was that it is very important to have some good friends who love your kids as their own. And at the end of the day, when my mom came home with a feather collection for me, or my dad with comics for both of us, it was obvious that they were thinking of us even when they were away at work.
I do not have to stay at home to help my daughter with homework. The after-school program does help by requiring her to finish it before she gets home, but on days that she doesn’t do it there, she does it as soon as she gets home. On top of her school homework, she has KUMON homework too which she does by herself quite responsibly. And I am quite proud of her for that. If she gets stuck with something, she asks my husband or me to help her, which we do. But I never sat with her to make/help her do her homework. Why? Not because I don’t like doing it, but because I wanted her to develop the discipline of finishing the task by herself. Completing the homework is her job. My job is to provide her the time and an environment where she can do it in peace. She understands it too.
I vehemently disagree with the generalization that children of WOH mothers are clingy. Not necessarily. I have seen plenty of children whose mothers stay at home and they won’t come out from behind their mothers’ apron. It is not whether their mom is working outside of home or staying at home that’s the deciding factor here – it is the child’s own personality and how much social interaction with same-age children does he/she get. All children have separation anxiety at some point and how we deal with it determines how long it stays with them. When we came to the US, our daughter was the only kid in our entire social circle. The community we lived in didn’t have any kids her age either. As a result she became good at interacting with adults but couldn’t fathom how to behave when she was around kids her own age. To help her develop her social skills, we started sending her to a daycare when she turned two. Later she went to a preschool for two years – not because I wanted her out of my hair, but because I wanted her to develop her social skills with kids her own age and to have fun. And boy, did it help!! We had to consult her calendar before we could make any social commitments :D
I don’t want anyone else to bring up my children either. When my daughter was born, my relationship with my in-laws got more strained because I wouldn’t stand on the side and let them do the parenting. This is a whole different mindset and not necessarily related to one’s working status. Accepted that I will need and take help from grandparents, daycare providers and nannies. But I will still be the parent, and not they. They will still need to go by my rules. If they don’t, I will see to it that I find someone who does. I am not saying this just hypothetically. My parents visited us in 2005 and my daughter spent a lot of her summer vacation with them. If she wanted to watch TV or eat some candy guess who she called? She didn’t just ask her grandparents (though had she done that she could have gotten virtually ANYTHING she asked for). No – everytime she would call either me or my husband and get our permission. That is the discipline that we instilled in her – follow our rules even when we are not present. Again – has nothing to do with my working status. She did this even when I wasn’t working. This year, when my in-laws were visiting us, she again spent the whole summer at home with them. My father-in-law is very much a fan of “the tube” and his idea of spending time with his granddaughter was to have her sit with him and watch television. She still asked for my permission every day and would watch it only if I (or my husband) said yes. When it comes to parenting, everyone who knows me knows that I WILL NOT BEND. Be it a very good friend, my parents or my husband’s – every one understands this - MY daughter, I MAKE THE DECISIONS and MY rules are followed.
ANY kid can be molested. Yes, when you leave your kid with someone else, there is always the risk of that happening. And I will take all necessary measures to make sure that doesn’t happen. Yes, I WILL install cameras all around the house if need be. I will make unannounced visits at different times on different days. Or I might find a licensed daycare that has webcams in all the rooms so I can watch my kid anytime I want and make sure he/she is safe. There are plenty of daycare centers around here that allow parents to walk in any time and watch how their kids are being treated. The care-providers don’t know when they’ll be monitored so there is no element of them being on their best behavior when parents are around. They ALWAYS have to be on their best behavior. I will make a thorough background check on anyone I hire. And I will require any daycare center that I might send my kid to, to do the same (they are required by law anyway).
I understand the argument that children will be happy no matter what because they wouldn’t know any better. “You hand them a begging bowl or a chauffeur driven car, they’ll adjust”. And my point is – who is to say that the happiness of a child who is having fun at the daycare center is any less genuine than that of a child playing with his mom? Why is the happiness that comes with having your mother stay at home with you more valuable than the happiness that you get from going on a field trip to a farm with your pre-school class? Happiness cannot be categorized or labeled as superior or inferior.
I have been on both sides as a mom. I stayed at home with my daughter for over 5 years and then returned to work. I took off only one year from work to be with her but things didn’t work out the way I expected them to, so I had to stay at home the extra 4 or so years. I loved being home with my daughter and watching her meet one milestone after the other with my own eyes. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t frustrated. I would even go as far as accepting that I was UNHAPPY at home. Not for spending time with my daughter or taking care of her mind you, but because the stay-at-home choice was imposed upon me by circumstances.
As far as children of WOH moms making the choice to stay at home because of their experiences are concerned – I don’t think that accounts for this choice. My mother worked and my husband’s didn’t. Both of us understand it is not a bad choice to work out of home. I never resented my mother for working and he never thought that staying at home is the only way to raise kids. He totally agreed that the choice was mine.
I believe being a mom is a part of my life, not a job as many people these days like to point out. There have been many studies to quantify, in monetary terms, what mommies who stay at home do. Things they do are listed and then their monetary value ascertained based on how much one would have to pay for those responsibilities to be carried out by someone else. And, needless to say, moms win hands down because no one can multi-task like a mom. But for me, working is not only about money (well, some of it is and I say – why not??? It is this money thats going to provide a college education and a good future for my kids). It is about gaining some intellectual satisfaction over doing something that I worked hard at learning, something that I am professionally trained to do and something that I am good at, something that asserts my identity as an individual and a professional and not only as a wife or a mother. And what’s wrong with that? I don’t think wanting to do something more than being a wife and mother makes my choices inferior. Or that it puts my kid(s) at any disadvantage compared to those whose mothers chose to stay at home. As Rohini so precisely pointed out – working outside of home does not mean that those mothers who make this choice don’t want to raise their kids, don’t understand their kids well, are impatient or guilt-ridden, are neglecting their kids or don’t want to spend time with their kids. It might be true for some mothers, but then exceptions are always there. I knew at least one SAHM who would just go through the day waiting for her husband to come home so she could dump the kids on him to “get a breather”. She wouldn’t take her kids to any out-of-home activities and would just go through the essential tasks of feeding, changing and cleaning them. Now, having been a stay-at-home mom, I know this is just an exception and not all mothers who stay at home are like this. And, it will be equally unjustified to label all working-out-of-home mothers as women who don’t want to spend time with their kids or who don’t want the best for their kids. If at all, most WOH mothers try to compensate for their time away from their kids by spending whatever time they do get with them.
I firmly believe that having a mother who works outside of home gives kids a new level of self-confidence. I know. I grew up that way. Since my mother wasn’t home 24/7 I had to do certain things myself and that made me independent and confident. I was proud of the fact that my mom worked outside of home. I heard my daughter once declaring proudly to her friend’s mom “My mom helps people fix their computers. If you have ANY problem, you can ask her – she is very good at it”. Can’t tell you how happy that made me. Not the praise but the realization that she understood that her mother was fulfilling some other role besides that of a parent. She also understands that I enjoy my work and it makes me happy. My family has been happier since I started working – because I am happier.
Everyone makes different choices based on their situation, personal experiences and opinions. The Stay-at-Home vs. Work-outside-home choice is not necessarily inferior Vs. superior choice (or vice-versa). They are just choices. How we deal with our choices is what’s important, and how our choices affect us and our families is what matters the most. I totally understand some women’s will and reasons to stay at home with their kids. I don’t even try to categorize these choices as “right” or “wrong” – because they are not. But I won’t stand for criticism of my choices either.
Finally – another thought. Why does it have to be ONE parent spending all the time with the kid(s) at home? Why can’t parents collaborate and co-ordinate so that both of them spend part of their day with their children so that the children still get maximum time with their parents and the parents can pursue their interests/careers too? That is what I and my husband do. He leaves for work at 7:30 am so he can come back early and pick our daughter up from school. I leave late at 9 am so she can take the bus and doesn’t have to rush through the morning to get to the before-school program. This minimizes her time away from home and reduces her stress as well as ours. I and my husband pick up the slack for each other whenever necessary. There is at least one parent with her most of the time. Parenthood, like a marriage, is a collaborated effort. The entire burden doesn’t need to be on one parent for parenting to be successful. That’s my take on this issue.
I don’t agree with MM’s outlook on the need for a mom/parent to stay at home in order to be a better or effective parent. But I do respect her views. I firmly believe what Rohini says – Different strokes for different folks. What works for me might not work for every one else. I have changed more in these 8 years as a parent than I did in the 28 years before that. The most important thing I have realized is that though I might not agree with someone else’s parenting style, there is always something I could learn from them and that everyone’s parenting – effective or otherwise – ultimately works for them (well mostly – I think I have made it clear on a few occasions that I have little tolerance for parents who don’t assert their authority).
I have a very close friend who, on a number of occasions, told me she only wanted one kid and that there were “ways to deal with an unwanted pregnancy”. Now I could never go through an abortion – that is one reason I opted not have amniocentesis done to find out if the baby has any chromosomal defects (it is highly recommended for expecting mothers my age). I knew no matter what the result, I would keep the baby. So when this friend told me about these “other ways of dealing with an unwanted pregnancy”, I told her “never say never” and that being a mom she might not be able to take the ultimate step should the need arise. As luck would have it, she did get pregnant again by accident. She thought about it but couldn’t go through an abortion and decided to have the baby. I loved and respected her for that decision because I knew it wasn’t easy for her. But had she decided to abort, I would still have stood by her even though I didn’t agree with her. I try to acknowledge everyone’s reasons for doing certain things even if I don’t understand them. I try not to judge or criticize them.
Though I don’t think I could match MM’s passion that is reflected in her post or Rohini’s calculated and composed counter-arguments, I have to give it a try for MY peace of mind :D Through the years I have lost the compulsion to make my opinion known to one and all. If I believe in something and someone argues against it, I feel content in holding my beliefs without feeling the urge to make the other person accept or acknowledge them. But this somehow touched a nerve. So here’s my two cents…
MM says “Somehow I am amazed that people who see the need to reason with their children and not spank them, cannot see the need to spend a lot more time with them and on their upbringing. I assume educated parents are the ones who realise the importance of a good upbringing and time”. I don’t see how being a working-outside-home mother would conflict with that. A good upbringing is not based on time. In the limited amount of time that I spend with my daughter, I am still giving her good values and providing a good upbringing. Besides, in my opinion, values and discipline are what my child practices BEHIND my back. If I can get my child to behave in a civilized manner and hold true all the values that I have taught her even in my absence, I have done my job well. And being a working parent doesn’t mean I don’t spend a good amount of time with her. Maybe not as much as a stay-at-home mom, but it isn’t in durations of mere minutes either. In fact, to maximize our time with her, I and my husband have curtailed our adult-only social activities to a great degree. We try to involve her in whatever we are doing. Doesn’t mean that we are not spending alone-time together – which I believe every couple should. We try to get together for lunch during work hours, or go out for an occasional movie when she is away at a friend’s house for a play-date. Scheduling these activities at times when she is otherwise occupied at school or at a play-date allows us to spend the rest of the time with her and not feel like we don’t have any “grown-up” time left for us. A nice balance, in my opinion (even if I say so myself :D)
It is not necessary for me to stay at home all day to teach my child math through fun games, teach her colors by integrating it in my daily conversations with her or to read to her. Despite working out of home full-time, I still manage to do all this. My daughter was having problem understanding money math at school – so I collaborated with her teacher in helping her with it, found some fun math game sites where she could practice and played those games with her. Every time I give her money to buy lunch at school, I have her calculate how much change will be due her at the end of the transaction. We discuss science ideas while we are driving to her swimming practice. We often digress from our conversations and dissect a particular word for its origin and meaning. We discuss what she learned about drugs and addiction in health class while I cook. She tells me if anything funny or important happened at school either at bed time or over phone as soon as she gets home from school. I still read to her, or have her read to me now that she is becoming a better reader. I take out time every Sunday to take her to the library where we look for videos and books together. It indeed is a big commitment for me because weekend is the only time when I get the time and opportunity to catch up with the chores left over from the last week, get some work done for the next week and get some much-needed rest.
MM further says a working mother would not have the patience to let her kids try to clean up their messy rooms themselves. She would either yell at them for creating the mess or clean it up herself. Well, she doesn’t know me. I don’t do either. I firmly believe in teaching my daughter to pitch in. And I realized long ago what harm my yelling would do to her psyche. So, I reward my daughter with coupons for “Choosing the dinner menu for a night” or “Choosing a Family Game Night” for helping around the house. Or I simply praise her efforts. I ignore the mess until I can find the time to clean up with her. To me, more important than a clean room is the fact that when it is cleaned, it is cleaned willingly, with happiness and enthusiasm. I have no trouble stepping over a pile of clothes for a week as long as I can get to spend some quality time with my family. We keep the living room nice and clean so we can entertain guests there and the dining room is kept clean too since it is clearly visible from the living room. But I don’t fret over cleaning because I believe one thing – if a good friend comes over on a day when my house is excessively messy, he/she has two choices. 1. Ignore the mess and have a good time with us. 2. Clean it up themselves!
I understand where MM’s firm opinion on this issue comes from because she mentions how her mom’s job affected her in small and not-so-small ways. The resentment might have originated from the fact that she’d had her mom’s sole attention till she was 8. After that long time, having her mother go out to work might have seemed like she needed to compete with her mom’s job for attention – which is totally understandable in an 8 year old. The first thought that comes to my mind is there is no way her mother did that willingly. Our parents sometimes have obligations that we cannot comprehend. It takes a lot of determination to leave a sick child at home to go meet a commitment. And in doing that one also teaches their kids the importance of discipline and reliability. I know because I have been in a similar situation – I came down with chicken pox, my parents took as many days off as they could afford to. But when they couldn’t stay at home any longer, they enlisted a few trusted friends who would come visit us (my brother caught it shortly after I did), read us books, feed us and spend some time with us. What I learned from it was that it is very important to have some good friends who love your kids as their own. And at the end of the day, when my mom came home with a feather collection for me, or my dad with comics for both of us, it was obvious that they were thinking of us even when they were away at work.
I do not have to stay at home to help my daughter with homework. The after-school program does help by requiring her to finish it before she gets home, but on days that she doesn’t do it there, she does it as soon as she gets home. On top of her school homework, she has KUMON homework too which she does by herself quite responsibly. And I am quite proud of her for that. If she gets stuck with something, she asks my husband or me to help her, which we do. But I never sat with her to make/help her do her homework. Why? Not because I don’t like doing it, but because I wanted her to develop the discipline of finishing the task by herself. Completing the homework is her job. My job is to provide her the time and an environment where she can do it in peace. She understands it too.
I vehemently disagree with the generalization that children of WOH mothers are clingy. Not necessarily. I have seen plenty of children whose mothers stay at home and they won’t come out from behind their mothers’ apron. It is not whether their mom is working outside of home or staying at home that’s the deciding factor here – it is the child’s own personality and how much social interaction with same-age children does he/she get. All children have separation anxiety at some point and how we deal with it determines how long it stays with them. When we came to the US, our daughter was the only kid in our entire social circle. The community we lived in didn’t have any kids her age either. As a result she became good at interacting with adults but couldn’t fathom how to behave when she was around kids her own age. To help her develop her social skills, we started sending her to a daycare when she turned two. Later she went to a preschool for two years – not because I wanted her out of my hair, but because I wanted her to develop her social skills with kids her own age and to have fun. And boy, did it help!! We had to consult her calendar before we could make any social commitments :D
I don’t want anyone else to bring up my children either. When my daughter was born, my relationship with my in-laws got more strained because I wouldn’t stand on the side and let them do the parenting. This is a whole different mindset and not necessarily related to one’s working status. Accepted that I will need and take help from grandparents, daycare providers and nannies. But I will still be the parent, and not they. They will still need to go by my rules. If they don’t, I will see to it that I find someone who does. I am not saying this just hypothetically. My parents visited us in 2005 and my daughter spent a lot of her summer vacation with them. If she wanted to watch TV or eat some candy guess who she called? She didn’t just ask her grandparents (though had she done that she could have gotten virtually ANYTHING she asked for). No – everytime she would call either me or my husband and get our permission. That is the discipline that we instilled in her – follow our rules even when we are not present. Again – has nothing to do with my working status. She did this even when I wasn’t working. This year, when my in-laws were visiting us, she again spent the whole summer at home with them. My father-in-law is very much a fan of “the tube” and his idea of spending time with his granddaughter was to have her sit with him and watch television. She still asked for my permission every day and would watch it only if I (or my husband) said yes. When it comes to parenting, everyone who knows me knows that I WILL NOT BEND. Be it a very good friend, my parents or my husband’s – every one understands this - MY daughter, I MAKE THE DECISIONS and MY rules are followed.
ANY kid can be molested. Yes, when you leave your kid with someone else, there is always the risk of that happening. And I will take all necessary measures to make sure that doesn’t happen. Yes, I WILL install cameras all around the house if need be. I will make unannounced visits at different times on different days. Or I might find a licensed daycare that has webcams in all the rooms so I can watch my kid anytime I want and make sure he/she is safe. There are plenty of daycare centers around here that allow parents to walk in any time and watch how their kids are being treated. The care-providers don’t know when they’ll be monitored so there is no element of them being on their best behavior when parents are around. They ALWAYS have to be on their best behavior. I will make a thorough background check on anyone I hire. And I will require any daycare center that I might send my kid to, to do the same (they are required by law anyway).
I understand the argument that children will be happy no matter what because they wouldn’t know any better. “You hand them a begging bowl or a chauffeur driven car, they’ll adjust”. And my point is – who is to say that the happiness of a child who is having fun at the daycare center is any less genuine than that of a child playing with his mom? Why is the happiness that comes with having your mother stay at home with you more valuable than the happiness that you get from going on a field trip to a farm with your pre-school class? Happiness cannot be categorized or labeled as superior or inferior.
I have been on both sides as a mom. I stayed at home with my daughter for over 5 years and then returned to work. I took off only one year from work to be with her but things didn’t work out the way I expected them to, so I had to stay at home the extra 4 or so years. I loved being home with my daughter and watching her meet one milestone after the other with my own eyes. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t frustrated. I would even go as far as accepting that I was UNHAPPY at home. Not for spending time with my daughter or taking care of her mind you, but because the stay-at-home choice was imposed upon me by circumstances.
As far as children of WOH moms making the choice to stay at home because of their experiences are concerned – I don’t think that accounts for this choice. My mother worked and my husband’s didn’t. Both of us understand it is not a bad choice to work out of home. I never resented my mother for working and he never thought that staying at home is the only way to raise kids. He totally agreed that the choice was mine.
I believe being a mom is a part of my life, not a job as many people these days like to point out. There have been many studies to quantify, in monetary terms, what mommies who stay at home do. Things they do are listed and then their monetary value ascertained based on how much one would have to pay for those responsibilities to be carried out by someone else. And, needless to say, moms win hands down because no one can multi-task like a mom. But for me, working is not only about money (well, some of it is and I say – why not??? It is this money thats going to provide a college education and a good future for my kids). It is about gaining some intellectual satisfaction over doing something that I worked hard at learning, something that I am professionally trained to do and something that I am good at, something that asserts my identity as an individual and a professional and not only as a wife or a mother. And what’s wrong with that? I don’t think wanting to do something more than being a wife and mother makes my choices inferior. Or that it puts my kid(s) at any disadvantage compared to those whose mothers chose to stay at home. As Rohini so precisely pointed out – working outside of home does not mean that those mothers who make this choice don’t want to raise their kids, don’t understand their kids well, are impatient or guilt-ridden, are neglecting their kids or don’t want to spend time with their kids. It might be true for some mothers, but then exceptions are always there. I knew at least one SAHM who would just go through the day waiting for her husband to come home so she could dump the kids on him to “get a breather”. She wouldn’t take her kids to any out-of-home activities and would just go through the essential tasks of feeding, changing and cleaning them. Now, having been a stay-at-home mom, I know this is just an exception and not all mothers who stay at home are like this. And, it will be equally unjustified to label all working-out-of-home mothers as women who don’t want to spend time with their kids or who don’t want the best for their kids. If at all, most WOH mothers try to compensate for their time away from their kids by spending whatever time they do get with them.
I firmly believe that having a mother who works outside of home gives kids a new level of self-confidence. I know. I grew up that way. Since my mother wasn’t home 24/7 I had to do certain things myself and that made me independent and confident. I was proud of the fact that my mom worked outside of home. I heard my daughter once declaring proudly to her friend’s mom “My mom helps people fix their computers. If you have ANY problem, you can ask her – she is very good at it”. Can’t tell you how happy that made me. Not the praise but the realization that she understood that her mother was fulfilling some other role besides that of a parent. She also understands that I enjoy my work and it makes me happy. My family has been happier since I started working – because I am happier.
Everyone makes different choices based on their situation, personal experiences and opinions. The Stay-at-Home vs. Work-outside-home choice is not necessarily inferior Vs. superior choice (or vice-versa). They are just choices. How we deal with our choices is what’s important, and how our choices affect us and our families is what matters the most. I totally understand some women’s will and reasons to stay at home with their kids. I don’t even try to categorize these choices as “right” or “wrong” – because they are not. But I won’t stand for criticism of my choices either.
Finally – another thought. Why does it have to be ONE parent spending all the time with the kid(s) at home? Why can’t parents collaborate and co-ordinate so that both of them spend part of their day with their children so that the children still get maximum time with their parents and the parents can pursue their interests/careers too? That is what I and my husband do. He leaves for work at 7:30 am so he can come back early and pick our daughter up from school. I leave late at 9 am so she can take the bus and doesn’t have to rush through the morning to get to the before-school program. This minimizes her time away from home and reduces her stress as well as ours. I and my husband pick up the slack for each other whenever necessary. There is at least one parent with her most of the time. Parenthood, like a marriage, is a collaborated effort. The entire burden doesn’t need to be on one parent for parenting to be successful. That’s my take on this issue.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Observation
Kids might not always behave the way their parents want them to, but they will ALWAYS behave the way they are allowed to.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
A JOB WELL DONE! (??)
Two days ago, when going through her bedtime routine, my daughter told me that there is a boy in her after-school program who bullies her. That day, he had thrown my daughter’s jacket from the chair she had put it on and sat on the chair. And he called her a “Gorilla” because of the hair that she has on her arms and legs. The same boy had harassed her back when she was in first grade and used to take the same bus as him to the school. He even hit her in the chest one day. I complained to the principal and she made sure that never happened again.
Now the same runt was back in action (I wonder if he ever stopped it in the first place) bullying my daughter and other kids. Needless to say I was concerned and outraged. So, I wrote an email to the After-school program’s director and copied the school’s principal on it. I left about 3 voice messages for the program director and the school’s site co-ordinator for that program. Before end of day next day, I had an email from the director saying the bully and my daughter won’t be sitting at a table together in the future. I wasn’t very satisfied with this (why wasn’t the boy punished, or at least his parents informed?) but figured we could start with this and take further action if the need arises. The matter is far from resolved but we are dealing with it.
This morning, my daughter gave me a paper on which she had drawn something (even she couldn’t make out what it was :P) and written this –
“My Mom is my Angel because she stands up for me”.
If that is not the highest honor I could receive as a parent, then what is?
Now the same runt was back in action (I wonder if he ever stopped it in the first place) bullying my daughter and other kids. Needless to say I was concerned and outraged. So, I wrote an email to the After-school program’s director and copied the school’s principal on it. I left about 3 voice messages for the program director and the school’s site co-ordinator for that program. Before end of day next day, I had an email from the director saying the bully and my daughter won’t be sitting at a table together in the future. I wasn’t very satisfied with this (why wasn’t the boy punished, or at least his parents informed?) but figured we could start with this and take further action if the need arises. The matter is far from resolved but we are dealing with it.
This morning, my daughter gave me a paper on which she had drawn something (even she couldn’t make out what it was :P) and written this –
“My Mom is my Angel because she stands up for me”.
If that is not the highest honor I could receive as a parent, then what is?
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Dang! I could have been a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon too!!
Just read this article on www.dailyindia.com. Here is the link to the original article. I am copying the contents below in case the link stops working later.
Rajasthan has an Indian Institute of Technology Temple! By
Lokendra Singh Kota
(Rajasthan), Jan.28 (ANI): Come exam time and there is an unusual number of students carrying decorated plates or flowers making a beeline to worship at
their favourite "IIT Temple" in Rajasthan.With entrance exams for India's top medial and engineering colleges just on the
anvil, the temple, which is devoted to Saraswati, the Goddess of learning, is crowded with several aspiring doctors here.The temple is named after the India's prestigious Indian Institute of Technology (IIT).
Students come here to seek blessings of the presiding deity Saraswati so that she bestows good luck on them.
"I want to get selected to IIT (Indian Institute of Technology) and visiting this temple so that the Goddess listens to my wish and fulfils it. I have faith in the Goddess and believe I will get what I have wished for," said, Uma, another student.
The main attraction is when students write their wishes on the temple wall to remind the deity of their requests as a ritual.
"I have written my wish on the wall, hoping that I will clear the exam and get selected in a good medical institute. It is believed one's wish comes true when it is written on the temple wall. I have also written on the wall that I get selected for AIEEE (All India Engineering Entrance Exam),"said, Vikas, an Indian Institute of Technology aspirant. Every year over 200,000 students appear for entrance examinations to the seven institutes of IIT, considered one of the toughest to get through in the world. Only 4,000 students are selected every year.
Kota in recent years has become a major coaching centre to prepare for entrance exams. Over 50,000 students from across the country arrive here every year to study in coaching centre that dots the city. Researchers say some 10 per cent of info-tech start-ups in California's Silicon Valley have been founded or co-founded by IIT engineers. (ANI)
Now I know why my aunt used to insist that I light an incense stick in her "mandir" every morning. And now I get it why I couldn't get into any engineering or medical college or IIT for that matter. It wasn't because I didn't study hard enough for PET (Pre-Engineering Test) and PMT (Pre-Medical Test). It wasn't even due to the fact that I didn't sit for JEE (Joint Entrance Exam) that one is required to take to get selected to one of the IITs. It was because I ... didn't... go... to... KOTA!... to pay my respects to Goddess Saraswati. I am so disappointed, I could cry. Why didn't my parents, who always stressed on the importance of studying hard "if you want to get anywhere", tell me that this was the "make it/break it" part of all the preparation? WHY??? They must have whispered this little secret in my brother's ears because he did get into both - Jodhpur's engineering college and Bombay IIT. Oh Ma and Pa! Why did you do this to me??? ***SOB***
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
A whole new skill set
Social skills, that is. I am learning conflict resolution along with my daughter. Or I should say I am learning it as I teach my daughter. I'll be the first one to accept that I am not good at confrontations. And I don't mean confrontations that involve shouting and screaming and throwing stuff at each other. I mean the ones where you simply sit down with someone and tell them, maturely and matter-of-factly, how something thay did or said has been bothering you. I have a long ways to go before I implement that but that is what I am trying to teach my daughter. I am trying to teach her how to approach someone and without breaking down into sobs or getting hysterical and telling them whats on her mind and how she would like to proceed. Sounds very mature-ish, doesn't it?! I am SO proud of myself :)
She has been distressed over this situation in her class - a friend of hers, V (who is also Indian incidentally and her mom is a good friend of mine) has been trying to "take away her friends". I mean, on many occasions (almost consistently according to what my daughter tells me) this girl has waltzed right in and taken away a friend while my daughter was playing with her to play "with something else", barges into conversations, hijacks the conversation and then just whisks away the friend for "more conversation" while my daughter stands there wondering what just happened. During lunch time my daughter is inevitably the only one not sitting on the lunch table with this "friend" while she has taken care to invite just enough girls to come sit with her so there is no room for my daughter. On at least one occasion, my daughter invited some other girl to come sit with her during lunch and this girl (A) agreed. The next thing you know, V is patting the seat right next to her and inviting A to sit next to her. To an 8 year old, this can be very distressing.
In the beginning of the school year, I was discussing my "goals" for my daughter for this year with V's mom. I told her I wasn't concerned about her academic performance because I am perfectly fine with whatever grade my daughter gets as long as I am sure she put in her best efforts. And she is doing good academically. The main area of focus for me is developing my daughter's social skills. She is a quiet kid. Not shy - she just needs some time to warm up to new people. Her teachers always tell me that she is good at making friends and gets along well with almost everyone in her class. So, when I mentioned this to V's mom, she said "Oh I don't think you have to worry about it. V mentioned that S has more friends than she does". Today it became clear to me where V's actions root from - she is insecure and looking for friends. In her 8 year old mind she probably thought if she couldn't have more friends then S should definitely have fewer than her.
So, today I decided to help my daughter. But I did not want to step in and set things right for her. I wanted her to learn how to handle situations like this for she is going to face many more such people in her life - I am sure of that. The world seems to be full of such people. I formulated a multi-step plan. It was something like this -
1. Teach S to stand up for herself in situations like this and tell V, right then and there (when she does something like this again) that her actions are not appropriate. The first thing I want S to remember is - even under such circumstances BE NICE! I want her to learn to handle such situations without being mean. So I went through a hypothetical scene with her and coached her on what to say and how to say it without being mean.
2. Contact the class teacher and get her opinion and help on this issue. I left her a message saying I needed to talk to her about some social difficulties my daughter was having in the class and that I would like to discuss ways to resolve it with her.
3. I made it clear to my daughter that I would like her to learn how to deal with this but if it doesn't work out, I will step in to help her - only as a last resort.
The class teacher called me back as soon as she could. She told me that when she and her assistant teacher heard my message, the assistant teacher immediately said she knew what it could be about. So that tells me this is not just a figment of my daughter's imagination. If someone else has noticed it, it did happen. The class teacher and I have decided to help S figure this one out. She is going to have S and V sit together in another room with just the teachers present and S will tell V how her actions are hurting her feelings. In the teacher's words - V needs to understand what she is doing is affecting someone else and hurting their feelings. Second thing she suggested was that S meet the "intervention officer" at their school and they could help her figure out strategies to deal with such behavior in future. (Intervention officers are present in many schools to do just what their job title says - resolve social conflicts among students before they escalate. They are also available to intervene on behalf of students who might find themselves ill-equipped to handle a situation - like S in this case).
I believe this is absolutely the right approach. The girls need to figure out how to resolve their differences in a positive, non-confrontational way without adult involvement. I am sure this will better prepare them for adulthood.
Later, while driving to work, I was reflecting on the things I had taught my daughter on dealing with such conflicts.
1. I told her to be nice at all time and to NOT show how upset she is. DO NOT CRY. (in other words - no matter how ticked off you are, don't show it. Poker face)
2. When you invite anyone to sit with you during lunch, don't let V know before lunch time (don't show your hand)
And I realized I had also taught her the basics for being a good Poker player! She'll thank me for that one day :D
She has been distressed over this situation in her class - a friend of hers, V (who is also Indian incidentally and her mom is a good friend of mine) has been trying to "take away her friends". I mean, on many occasions (almost consistently according to what my daughter tells me) this girl has waltzed right in and taken away a friend while my daughter was playing with her to play "with something else", barges into conversations, hijacks the conversation and then just whisks away the friend for "more conversation" while my daughter stands there wondering what just happened. During lunch time my daughter is inevitably the only one not sitting on the lunch table with this "friend" while she has taken care to invite just enough girls to come sit with her so there is no room for my daughter. On at least one occasion, my daughter invited some other girl to come sit with her during lunch and this girl (A) agreed. The next thing you know, V is patting the seat right next to her and inviting A to sit next to her. To an 8 year old, this can be very distressing.
In the beginning of the school year, I was discussing my "goals" for my daughter for this year with V's mom. I told her I wasn't concerned about her academic performance because I am perfectly fine with whatever grade my daughter gets as long as I am sure she put in her best efforts. And she is doing good academically. The main area of focus for me is developing my daughter's social skills. She is a quiet kid. Not shy - she just needs some time to warm up to new people. Her teachers always tell me that she is good at making friends and gets along well with almost everyone in her class. So, when I mentioned this to V's mom, she said "Oh I don't think you have to worry about it. V mentioned that S has more friends than she does". Today it became clear to me where V's actions root from - she is insecure and looking for friends. In her 8 year old mind she probably thought if she couldn't have more friends then S should definitely have fewer than her.
So, today I decided to help my daughter. But I did not want to step in and set things right for her. I wanted her to learn how to handle situations like this for she is going to face many more such people in her life - I am sure of that. The world seems to be full of such people. I formulated a multi-step plan. It was something like this -
1. Teach S to stand up for herself in situations like this and tell V, right then and there (when she does something like this again) that her actions are not appropriate. The first thing I want S to remember is - even under such circumstances BE NICE! I want her to learn to handle such situations without being mean. So I went through a hypothetical scene with her and coached her on what to say and how to say it without being mean.
2. Contact the class teacher and get her opinion and help on this issue. I left her a message saying I needed to talk to her about some social difficulties my daughter was having in the class and that I would like to discuss ways to resolve it with her.
3. I made it clear to my daughter that I would like her to learn how to deal with this but if it doesn't work out, I will step in to help her - only as a last resort.
The class teacher called me back as soon as she could. She told me that when she and her assistant teacher heard my message, the assistant teacher immediately said she knew what it could be about. So that tells me this is not just a figment of my daughter's imagination. If someone else has noticed it, it did happen. The class teacher and I have decided to help S figure this one out. She is going to have S and V sit together in another room with just the teachers present and S will tell V how her actions are hurting her feelings. In the teacher's words - V needs to understand what she is doing is affecting someone else and hurting their feelings. Second thing she suggested was that S meet the "intervention officer" at their school and they could help her figure out strategies to deal with such behavior in future. (Intervention officers are present in many schools to do just what their job title says - resolve social conflicts among students before they escalate. They are also available to intervene on behalf of students who might find themselves ill-equipped to handle a situation - like S in this case).
I believe this is absolutely the right approach. The girls need to figure out how to resolve their differences in a positive, non-confrontational way without adult involvement. I am sure this will better prepare them for adulthood.
Later, while driving to work, I was reflecting on the things I had taught my daughter on dealing with such conflicts.
1. I told her to be nice at all time and to NOT show how upset she is. DO NOT CRY. (in other words - no matter how ticked off you are, don't show it. Poker face)
2. When you invite anyone to sit with you during lunch, don't let V know before lunch time (don't show your hand)
And I realized I had also taught her the basics for being a good Poker player! She'll thank me for that one day :D
Thursday, December 21, 2006
That's ME!!
I love sharing food. If someone comments on how good my food smells/looks, I have to buy/cook it for them.
I love giving gifts. I love the expression on a person’s face when they receive a gift they weren’t expecting.
I love getting gifts. Any gift. As long as I sense it is being given with sincerity.
I cannot cry in front of people I don’t like. I think I have mentioned it before.
I can laugh and carry on a good conversation with people I don’t like. They will never know unless I decide to make it obvious – and I don’t have the heart to do that to ANYONE!
I get pissed by parents who don’t “parent” – leave their kids to run around and demolish other people’s property, let them bully/hurt other kids’ feelings knowingly and, worst of all just shrug off their kids’ tantrums/bad behavior with “What can I do? He/She doesn’t listen to me”. Well, for goodness’ sake, show them who the parent is – will ya?!!
I give advice too easily and readily. Have been working on overcoming that but I guess that is an inborn trait with all Leos :P So, if you aren’t looking for an advice, tell me so before you start your sob story :- ) I am a very good listener – so do tell me the story.
I like commercials (especially in Indian Television programming) better than serials.
I like to read murder mysteries, adventure thrillers and stories/novels about old times which reflect the lifestyle during those days. I loved reading “Gone With the Wind” for that reason. I was fascinated by the description of how girls were expected to dress and behave in those days.
I used to yell at my daughter quite often. Then I realized how scared she must feel with someone double her height (that was waaaaaaaaaaaay back when – she is a tall kid, going to overtake me in height real soon) yelling at her. I have controlled that habit very well now – I rarely yell at her (or at least so I think!)
I can’t enjoy foods I used to anymore in this pregnancy. Yesterday I took one bite out of a pizza slice and LEFT IT ON MY PLATE!!! I never thought I could do that! I used to devour the WHOLE pizza!! (I kid you not)
I can remember first names and last names with correct spellings even for the most complicated names for ALL the users I support (over 50 currently).
I CANNOT remember names of people I meet in social settings (like a party) just 10 minutes after meeting them. I guess I should assign them all user names and then I will remember them :P
I don’t hate anyone. I intensely dislike only a few people. I get along well with most.
I get truly embarrassed if someone keeps on praising me for something. I like it the first time, I get uncomfortable the second time, I ask them to change the subject the third time, I change the subject for them after that. Happened to me recently, after I spoke on behalf of Teaching Assistants of my daughter’s school at a Board of Ed meeting.
I love my daughter dearly. I sometimes worry if I will love the new baby with same intensity. Is that totally insane??
I prefer email communications over phone conversations. If you really want me to get back to you about something, guess what you shouldn’t do? Leave a voice message or write an email? :D
I work well under pressure because then I really can prioritize and get rid of the unnecessary tasks. That cuts my work in half! :D
I love receiving hand-written “Thank you” notes. I save them. (maybe because there are so few of them???)
I can sit still for long periods of time – but not completely. My fingers/toes twitch when I do that :-)
I can carry a tune, but I can’t sing. I would love to learn to sing and dance.
I want to write at least one book. And being a Leo, I want it to top the charts :D
I want to get either an MBA degree or a Ph.D.
I want to open my own “Chat Corner” when I am ready to retire from IT. I have been told it will be very successful. I already have a client base drooling over the possibility :-)
If I eat something at a friend’s place that has been terribly cooked, I want to grab them and show them how it should be done – that “leo” in me again! In the least, I want to cook it at home as soon as possible so I can really enjoy it. But I NEVER say I didn’t like it to the person who cooked it (I might keep mum and not say ANYTHING) – the thought of all the effort he/she must have put in it makes me keep my mouth shut.
I can’t give false praise.
I used to love my husband a lot.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I STILL love him – "LOTTER". Gotcha with that one!!
I love giving gifts. I love the expression on a person’s face when they receive a gift they weren’t expecting.
I love getting gifts. Any gift. As long as I sense it is being given with sincerity.
I cannot cry in front of people I don’t like. I think I have mentioned it before.
I can laugh and carry on a good conversation with people I don’t like. They will never know unless I decide to make it obvious – and I don’t have the heart to do that to ANYONE!
I get pissed by parents who don’t “parent” – leave their kids to run around and demolish other people’s property, let them bully/hurt other kids’ feelings knowingly and, worst of all just shrug off their kids’ tantrums/bad behavior with “What can I do? He/She doesn’t listen to me”. Well, for goodness’ sake, show them who the parent is – will ya?!!
I give advice too easily and readily. Have been working on overcoming that but I guess that is an inborn trait with all Leos :P So, if you aren’t looking for an advice, tell me so before you start your sob story :- ) I am a very good listener – so do tell me the story.
I like commercials (especially in Indian Television programming) better than serials.
I like to read murder mysteries, adventure thrillers and stories/novels about old times which reflect the lifestyle during those days. I loved reading “Gone With the Wind” for that reason. I was fascinated by the description of how girls were expected to dress and behave in those days.
I used to yell at my daughter quite often. Then I realized how scared she must feel with someone double her height (that was waaaaaaaaaaaay back when – she is a tall kid, going to overtake me in height real soon) yelling at her. I have controlled that habit very well now – I rarely yell at her (or at least so I think!)
I can’t enjoy foods I used to anymore in this pregnancy. Yesterday I took one bite out of a pizza slice and LEFT IT ON MY PLATE!!! I never thought I could do that! I used to devour the WHOLE pizza!! (I kid you not)
I can remember first names and last names with correct spellings even for the most complicated names for ALL the users I support (over 50 currently).
I CANNOT remember names of people I meet in social settings (like a party) just 10 minutes after meeting them. I guess I should assign them all user names and then I will remember them :P
I don’t hate anyone. I intensely dislike only a few people. I get along well with most.
I get truly embarrassed if someone keeps on praising me for something. I like it the first time, I get uncomfortable the second time, I ask them to change the subject the third time, I change the subject for them after that. Happened to me recently, after I spoke on behalf of Teaching Assistants of my daughter’s school at a Board of Ed meeting.
I love my daughter dearly. I sometimes worry if I will love the new baby with same intensity. Is that totally insane??
I prefer email communications over phone conversations. If you really want me to get back to you about something, guess what you shouldn’t do? Leave a voice message or write an email? :D
I work well under pressure because then I really can prioritize and get rid of the unnecessary tasks. That cuts my work in half! :D
I love receiving hand-written “Thank you” notes. I save them. (maybe because there are so few of them???)
I can sit still for long periods of time – but not completely. My fingers/toes twitch when I do that :-)
I can carry a tune, but I can’t sing. I would love to learn to sing and dance.
I want to write at least one book. And being a Leo, I want it to top the charts :D
I want to get either an MBA degree or a Ph.D.
I want to open my own “Chat Corner” when I am ready to retire from IT. I have been told it will be very successful. I already have a client base drooling over the possibility :-)
If I eat something at a friend’s place that has been terribly cooked, I want to grab them and show them how it should be done – that “leo” in me again! In the least, I want to cook it at home as soon as possible so I can really enjoy it. But I NEVER say I didn’t like it to the person who cooked it (I might keep mum and not say ANYTHING) – the thought of all the effort he/she must have put in it makes me keep my mouth shut.
I can’t give false praise.
I used to love my husband a lot.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I STILL love him – "LOTTER". Gotcha with that one!!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
One more hurdle - Crossed!
We had been waiting for the First Trimester Screening results. I had the test done last week - it involves an ultra-sound and some blood work. It indicates the risk level that a woman has of delivering a baby with Down's syndrome or Edward's syndrome. For my age, the risk was 1 in 220. This test has a high rate of false positives. Our doctor suggested we go for amniocentesis which is a 100% accurate. We were very apprehansive about that because there is a slight risk of miscarriage associated with it. Then I found about Genetic ultrasound that is totally non-invasive and can predict with upto 99% accuracy, the chances of the baby being born with chromosomal defects. But now it seems none of that is necessary (and Boy! Am I giddy with relief while typing this!!) - my First Trimester Screening results came back with a risk of 1 in 3,420 for Down Syndrome and 1 in 7,001 for Edward's syndrome! That is around the level of risk that a 20 year old woman has of delivering a baby with chromosomal defects. So, now I am waiting to ask my doctor if I can officially declare that I am 20 years old! :-) A coworker mentioned how I was "glowing" and my hair seemed darker. My reply? "Of course, because I am just 20 years old!" You can tell I am enjoying this :P
Another coworker told me a blonde joke :
A blonde finds out she is pregnant and goes "Oh my God! I hope it is mine!!". I said without missing a beat "Oh, I sure hope this is mine since I had it with IVF!" What?? You don't find it funny? Come on!!!
Oh well...
My daughter told a friend of hers the BIG news. This is how the conversation went -
Daughter - My mom is pregnant!
Friend - No!
Daughter - Yes, she is!!
Friend - NO WAY!!
Daughter - YES Way! (This seems to be turning into a shouting match)
Friend - She can't be - you're 8!!
I still smile when I think of this.
I have just begun the 4th month and I have already been feeling this flutter in my lower abdomen. I wonder if it is gas. I like to think it is the baby's movement and don't you say otherwise becasue then you'd be messing with BIG TIME pregnancy hormones!
Another coworker told me a blonde joke :
A blonde finds out she is pregnant and goes "Oh my God! I hope it is mine!!". I said without missing a beat "Oh, I sure hope this is mine since I had it with IVF!" What?? You don't find it funny? Come on!!!
Oh well...
My daughter told a friend of hers the BIG news. This is how the conversation went -
Daughter - My mom is pregnant!
Friend - No!
Daughter - Yes, she is!!
Friend - NO WAY!!
Daughter - YES Way! (This seems to be turning into a shouting match)
Friend - She can't be - you're 8!!
I still smile when I think of this.
I have just begun the 4th month and I have already been feeling this flutter in my lower abdomen. I wonder if it is gas. I like to think it is the baby's movement and don't you say otherwise becasue then you'd be messing with BIG TIME pregnancy hormones!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Giving Thanks
This year we have much to be happy and thankful about. We actually try and find something every year to say thanks for - there is no other way for me. This year has been special in that it has been a combination of highs and lows - chemical pregnancy, new house, difficulty conceiving, house guests, difficulties at the job (yeah, I don't think I have written much about that) and then a few successes too (didn't write about that either), our daughter finally breaking free through the grips of Alopecia Areata....
And now there is even bigger reason for saying thanks - after trying for so long, after going through the highs and lows of drug induced depression, after countless number of shots and medicines and medical procedures....
... I am pregnant again!!!!
This cycle "took". We are still sitting with our fingers and toes (and eyes too, in case that helps) crossed, but I am beginning to be more hopeful. Today I am 10 weeks(!!) pregnant. We have started telling family and friends slowly. My initial reaction to this pregnancy was of disbelief. I had had NO symptoms (which, the nurses told me often is the case in IVF procedures - or maybe they were just trying to ease my nervousness) and was certain this cycle had failed too. Then I learnt that I was indeed pregnant. I still didn't want to believe it because I was afraid if I celebrated this one, it would turn into a chemical pregnancy too (can you say "Superstitious"??) My husband agreed. But then one day I realized I wanted to celebrate even if it turned out to be a short lived happiness. At least I would have been happy during those 6 (or 8 or whatever) weeks - I argued. A pregnancy attained with so much difficulty deserves to be celebrated no matter what the outcome. So we quietly celebrated, the two of us. We went out for dinner and a movie. And we said "congratulations" to each other and we hugged each other tight. We went to all the ultrasounds (4 in total) quietly, without announcing the fact. After the third ultra-sound at 8 weeks, when we heard the heartbeat, we decided to tell our immediate families. We told our daughter last Friday - November 17th, after I completed nine weeks and after we had seen the baby once more on ultra-sound. This Thanksgiving we have invited a few, very close friends and are going to tell them then. I already told my boss last week (I had to - I am showing already!). And we are planning to declare it to the rest of the world after the first trimester is over (around December 5th). Since I am already showing, they might have already figured it out by then! Of course, I am never going to be worry-free until I have my baby safe in my arms (and then I will start worrying about other things). I guess any kind of a failed pregnancy would do that to a woman. At least I won't be able to "relax" during this pregnancy - I will always be worrying.
So there. We have BIG reasons to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. And I want to take this opportunity to thank ALL OF YOU who came to my blog and left me good wishes, positive thoughts and encouragement for this cycle. I makes my eyes turn misty to think that all of you care so much. THANK YOU!!
I was discussing Thanksgiving with a colleague this morning and mentioned that I won't be cooking Turkey so cooking shouldn't take me long. Besides, we are having a pot-luck dinner with friends so none of us has to spend the whole day in the kitchen. She insisted that we had to have turkey (or something that resembles a turkey) for Thanksgiving, otherwise the holiday is "incomplete". That got me thinking - isn't it possible to celebrate Thanksgiving without having Turkey? After all, it is about giving thanks and it does not matter what kind of food you give your thanks over - does it? Maybe thats just me. We never celebrated Thanksgiving until two years ago. And even then I started celebrating it because I wanted to teach my daughter the concept of being thankful for what we have. On the other hand I have always believed that one can, and should, give thanks to the Almighty anyway, anytime and anywhere. It doesn't have to be over a feast. It can be while I am driving, or when I am cooking or even when I am taking a shower. All I have to do is think in my heart "Thankyou God, for such and such. I appreciate having it". That is all - isn't it?
And now there is even bigger reason for saying thanks - after trying for so long, after going through the highs and lows of drug induced depression, after countless number of shots and medicines and medical procedures....
... I am pregnant again!!!!
This cycle "took". We are still sitting with our fingers and toes (and eyes too, in case that helps) crossed, but I am beginning to be more hopeful. Today I am 10 weeks(!!) pregnant. We have started telling family and friends slowly. My initial reaction to this pregnancy was of disbelief. I had had NO symptoms (which, the nurses told me often is the case in IVF procedures - or maybe they were just trying to ease my nervousness) and was certain this cycle had failed too. Then I learnt that I was indeed pregnant. I still didn't want to believe it because I was afraid if I celebrated this one, it would turn into a chemical pregnancy too (can you say "Superstitious"??) My husband agreed. But then one day I realized I wanted to celebrate even if it turned out to be a short lived happiness. At least I would have been happy during those 6 (or 8 or whatever) weeks - I argued. A pregnancy attained with so much difficulty deserves to be celebrated no matter what the outcome. So we quietly celebrated, the two of us. We went out for dinner and a movie. And we said "congratulations" to each other and we hugged each other tight. We went to all the ultrasounds (4 in total) quietly, without announcing the fact. After the third ultra-sound at 8 weeks, when we heard the heartbeat, we decided to tell our immediate families. We told our daughter last Friday - November 17th, after I completed nine weeks and after we had seen the baby once more on ultra-sound. This Thanksgiving we have invited a few, very close friends and are going to tell them then. I already told my boss last week (I had to - I am showing already!). And we are planning to declare it to the rest of the world after the first trimester is over (around December 5th). Since I am already showing, they might have already figured it out by then! Of course, I am never going to be worry-free until I have my baby safe in my arms (and then I will start worrying about other things). I guess any kind of a failed pregnancy would do that to a woman. At least I won't be able to "relax" during this pregnancy - I will always be worrying.
So there. We have BIG reasons to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. And I want to take this opportunity to thank ALL OF YOU who came to my blog and left me good wishes, positive thoughts and encouragement for this cycle. I makes my eyes turn misty to think that all of you care so much. THANK YOU!!
I was discussing Thanksgiving with a colleague this morning and mentioned that I won't be cooking Turkey so cooking shouldn't take me long. Besides, we are having a pot-luck dinner with friends so none of us has to spend the whole day in the kitchen. She insisted that we had to have turkey (or something that resembles a turkey) for Thanksgiving, otherwise the holiday is "incomplete". That got me thinking - isn't it possible to celebrate Thanksgiving without having Turkey? After all, it is about giving thanks and it does not matter what kind of food you give your thanks over - does it? Maybe thats just me. We never celebrated Thanksgiving until two years ago. And even then I started celebrating it because I wanted to teach my daughter the concept of being thankful for what we have. On the other hand I have always believed that one can, and should, give thanks to the Almighty anyway, anytime and anywhere. It doesn't have to be over a feast. It can be while I am driving, or when I am cooking or even when I am taking a shower. All I have to do is think in my heart "Thankyou God, for such and such. I appreciate having it". That is all - isn't it?
Friday, September 29, 2006
Here now. Gone forever...
On September 22, in Mumbai, a member of our off-shore support team died of a brain hemorrhage. He was just 23. Most of the people in our company had never met him. No. I think no one had. The Claims team of our company worked with him regularly. They spoke to him every day while working on the reports. They often teased him about silly things like whether he was going to get drunk over the weekend or not. They developed a special bond with him – after all he was their colleague who just happened to be very far away. He hadn’t been feeling well lately and had been away from work for a week or so. One of the Claims Team members, V, said to him “S, you are not forgetting us, are you?” to which he said “No”. Then she said something to him that I am sure she will always remember. She said – “S, you know you are indelible in my heart, don’t you?” And he said “Same here, V. Same here” That was last week (or maybe early this week). And today he is no more…
I am amazed at how people can form so strong bonds of friendship over long distances without even seeing each other. How they begin to mean a little more to us each day. How their absence is sorely missed. Even when they were not with you from the beginning. They were just a voice over the phone and now just a memory in your heart.
Such tragedies remind me how fragile life is. And how unexpected its twists and turns can be. I have been trying to imagine the state his parents must be in. They must be devastated. This was the time for them to plan their son’s wedding, not his funeral. A few of us in the company were talking about him and someone mentioned his age. Each one of us took that in a different context. Our HR director said all she could think was “Oh my God! He was just my daughter’s age!”. One person said she remembered that at age 23 she was living a carefree, happy life. I remembered that at 23 I was madly in love with my husband, then my boyfriend, and planning my future business that I was going to start once I got married. The biggest concern I had at that age was if my husband’s parents would agree to our marriage or decline flatly.
In other news, my brother was here for 2 weeks on a business trip and squeezed out time for us too. I had a great time with him after years – though I am still craving more. And my daughter just didn’t get enough of her “Sonu Mama”. It was crazy with my in-laws and him together in our house because there was so much juggling to do. But we all had a great time. Even went to Mount Washington in New Hampshire again (went there last year too, with my parents). Took the Cog Railway to the peak. Saw two signs in and around their Base station cafeteria. One said “Dinner choices: 1. Take it. 2. Leave it.” I loved it!! It sounds much like my kitchen :D
The other one was this –
Another similar sign I saw in a pet store said “Unattended children will be given a free puppy”! Many parents really do leave their children unattended in places they shouldn’t even take their eyes off of them. I am amazed at this stupidity is all I can say. And I have great respect for businesses that ask parents to look after their own kids (in other words, do their job!) in such funny ways. It takes a lot of restraint not to blurt something out to these parents. I should know – I worked at a Halloween Costume store for 2.5 years.
Am going in for transfer today. Zero Expectations. And the part that I am looking forward to the most is the two-day bed rest that I will be on afterwards!! After retrieval two days ago, my blood pressure was through the roof (184/117!!) It is lower now but not normal yet. I believe it happened due to a combination of stress from running around, the toll that an IVF cycle takes on one and the fact that I was badly bloated due to the medicines. (OK _ here is a half-baked theory. I was bloated, which means my body was retaining fluid. Which means my blood was denser than usual, which ultimately meant higher concentration of sodium. Hence – High Blood Pressure). Let me go and check that out right now. If I am correct, I will come back to say “I told you so”. If you don’t hear from me, assume I was wrong :P
Update: Well, I was partially right! Fluid retention does raise blood pressure. But that does not make the blood dense - it increases its volume. Of course! (smacks her head - twice). The increased vloume raises the blood pressure. Q.E.D.
I am amazed at how people can form so strong bonds of friendship over long distances without even seeing each other. How they begin to mean a little more to us each day. How their absence is sorely missed. Even when they were not with you from the beginning. They were just a voice over the phone and now just a memory in your heart.
Such tragedies remind me how fragile life is. And how unexpected its twists and turns can be. I have been trying to imagine the state his parents must be in. They must be devastated. This was the time for them to plan their son’s wedding, not his funeral. A few of us in the company were talking about him and someone mentioned his age. Each one of us took that in a different context. Our HR director said all she could think was “Oh my God! He was just my daughter’s age!”. One person said she remembered that at age 23 she was living a carefree, happy life. I remembered that at 23 I was madly in love with my husband, then my boyfriend, and planning my future business that I was going to start once I got married. The biggest concern I had at that age was if my husband’s parents would agree to our marriage or decline flatly.
In other news, my brother was here for 2 weeks on a business trip and squeezed out time for us too. I had a great time with him after years – though I am still craving more. And my daughter just didn’t get enough of her “Sonu Mama”. It was crazy with my in-laws and him together in our house because there was so much juggling to do. But we all had a great time. Even went to Mount Washington in New Hampshire again (went there last year too, with my parents). Took the Cog Railway to the peak. Saw two signs in and around their Base station cafeteria. One said “Dinner choices: 1. Take it. 2. Leave it.” I loved it!! It sounds much like my kitchen :D
The other one was this –
Another similar sign I saw in a pet store said “Unattended children will be given a free puppy”! Many parents really do leave their children unattended in places they shouldn’t even take their eyes off of them. I am amazed at this stupidity is all I can say. And I have great respect for businesses that ask parents to look after their own kids (in other words, do their job!) in such funny ways. It takes a lot of restraint not to blurt something out to these parents. I should know – I worked at a Halloween Costume store for 2.5 years.
Am going in for transfer today. Zero Expectations. And the part that I am looking forward to the most is the two-day bed rest that I will be on afterwards!! After retrieval two days ago, my blood pressure was through the roof (184/117!!) It is lower now but not normal yet. I believe it happened due to a combination of stress from running around, the toll that an IVF cycle takes on one and the fact that I was badly bloated due to the medicines. (OK _ here is a half-baked theory. I was bloated, which means my body was retaining fluid. Which means my blood was denser than usual, which ultimately meant higher concentration of sodium. Hence – High Blood Pressure). Let me go and check that out right now. If I am correct, I will come back to say “I told you so”. If you don’t hear from me, assume I was wrong :P
Update: Well, I was partially right! Fluid retention does raise blood pressure. But that does not make the blood dense - it increases its volume. Of course! (smacks her head - twice). The increased vloume raises the blood pressure. Q.E.D.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Point. Click. You're done!
Or Point. Shut eyes TIGHT. Jab. Press. (And don't forget to breathe) That is how I take my shots. I thought that was a perfectly normal way of doing it - until someone pointed out otherwise. Seems like you are supposed to point, push (the needle in) and press (the plunger) - all very calmly and smoothly. Ha! Calm & Smooth? Me?? When I am giving myself a shot??? Dream on, honey!
Today, in a meeting, a co-worker said "Infertility is a disease, while pregnancy is not". I took serious objection to that - the first part of the sentence, not the second. Though there are people who treat pregnant women as if they had a terminal disease and needed a lot of rest & recuperation. Well I wouldn't object to a lot of rest and recuperation if I were preganant, but please don't treat me like I am made of glass, thankyou. I believe infertility is a condition which may, or may not, result from a disease (there is "idiopathic" infertility where everything seems fine but a couple still can't get pregnant). There are certain diseases which may cause infertility, but being infertile is NOT akin to being diseased. Really, people! Think before you speak.
Update: I wanted to update this the next day, but a lot has been going on. In my haste to upload this post, I failed to mention one thing. The comment was made in a meeting where differences between managed care (read insurance) for Infertility vs. Obstetrics were being discussed and someone asked "Well why is there such a lot of follow-up by nurses for infertility while there isn't any for Obstetrics". This, in fact, is true. This comment wasn't made personally to me or for me.
The person who made this comment is a good friend and since then I have told her my views on this. Also, I was on a "Menopur-Bravelle-Lupron" induced PMS. Had already warned DH NOT to contradict me in any thing I said or did. "Cee Kay is ALWAYS right" was the mantra he was supposed to chant whenever he got any urge to contradict me :D Forgot to propogate this to my friends and co-workers :P
Today, in a meeting, a co-worker said "Infertility is a disease, while pregnancy is not". I took serious objection to that - the first part of the sentence, not the second. Though there are people who treat pregnant women as if they had a terminal disease and needed a lot of rest & recuperation. Well I wouldn't object to a lot of rest and recuperation if I were preganant, but please don't treat me like I am made of glass, thankyou. I believe infertility is a condition which may, or may not, result from a disease (there is "idiopathic" infertility where everything seems fine but a couple still can't get pregnant). There are certain diseases which may cause infertility, but being infertile is NOT akin to being diseased. Really, people! Think before you speak.
Update: I wanted to update this the next day, but a lot has been going on. In my haste to upload this post, I failed to mention one thing. The comment was made in a meeting where differences between managed care (read insurance) for Infertility vs. Obstetrics were being discussed and someone asked "Well why is there such a lot of follow-up by nurses for infertility while there isn't any for Obstetrics". This, in fact, is true. This comment wasn't made personally to me or for me.
The person who made this comment is a good friend and since then I have told her my views on this. Also, I was on a "Menopur-Bravelle-Lupron" induced PMS. Had already warned DH NOT to contradict me in any thing I said or did. "Cee Kay is ALWAYS right" was the mantra he was supposed to chant whenever he got any urge to contradict me :D Forgot to propogate this to my friends and co-workers :P
Friday, September 15, 2006
TICKED!
Warning – Rant(orama) ahead!
I want to vent, rant and rave. I am not going to use foul language or cause bodily harm to anyone this rant is against. So rest assured.
So you made it this far? Boy, you really must love my rants!
Oh, a lot of things tick me off. I am/have been/will certainly be ticked off by…
… bosses who, instead of patting me on the back for emergencies well handled, drag me through a Q&A and expect me to use my third eye and sixth sense to handle problems well before a) they arise, or b) are reported.
... colleagues who won't prepare their own purchase requests for items they need and then pester me with "Is it done yet?". No amount of "Do it yourself" hints and direct suggestions will make them understand (or is it that they don't want to understand?? Pretend to be a fool and get your work done - hmmmmm. Good strategy).
... people who try to "help" even when I didn't ask for help, and especially when I have refused offers of help. Buddy, back off!! I'll ask for it when I need it - OK? OK??
... drivers who change lanes or turn without turning on their turn indiactors.
... drivers who give a turn indication as (or after) they take a turn or change lanes. Hello? Just because you turned on the indicator doesn't mean there is space between my car and the one ahead of me!
... people who ask me "but why do you want another child?". Some people are exempt - they can ask such questions, and I will try to explain. But others (read mom whose daughter used to be in the same class as mine in grade one) SHUT UP!! Why did YOU have 2 kids if having more than one kids is so terrible?
... people who comment "Wow! You are lucky!" when I inform them that I will be out of office the next day. DO NOT ASSUME that this day off is for fun. I might be going in to the doctor's office to get medication that will help me miscarry the blighted ovum that my "happy till yesterday" pregnancy has turned out to be.
... people who repeatedly say "Time for another one!". SHUT UP!!
... people who, when I tell them what an angel my daughter was at age two, say "Oh girls are easier to raise". You should have tried raising me at ANY age after birth. I have HIGH regards for my parents' patience. DO NOT try to explain differences in personalities by basing them just on gender.
... friends who start any phone conversation (even if it was I who placed the call) with "Where have you been? Bade busy ho gaye ho? (You've gotten very busy?)". Yes, and I just remembered something I have to do. Click.
... friends who insist we should not have our housewarming party for at least another year because we are such a busy couple. MY house. MY party. I DECIDE! OK?
... friends who insist that I should either let them cook or order food from outside when I invite them to my daughter's birthday party (again because I am "so busy"). WTF??
... people making racial comments implying one race is superior to another or one race has more problems than another just because it is that race.
... poeple comparing siblings to decide who is sweeter, more intelligent, fairer, darker, faster, wittier.... They are TWO DIFFERENT PERSONS. They cannot, and should not, be alike. Comprende?
... friends/relatives commenting how strict we are with our daughter (for the record - we are not. There are just a few non-negotiable points. Apart from those, she can do anything she wants to after she gets permission from one of us)
... friends/relatives warning me to just "wait and see - your daughter will not listen to you (or get out of control, or become mischievious, or whatever) when she grows up". You know what? You have been saying that since she was 18 months old. I am still waiting. I am not saying that there won't be any problems, but don't predict doom just because she listens to her parents more than some other kids do.
... people asking me "How much more do you want to study? I wouldn't want to study this much!". Know what? None of your f---ing business!
... relatives and friends back in India who, when we call them, just want to know how much weight I have gained/lost/am trying to lose etc. Sweetums - I stopped obsessing about my weight looong time ago. Its time you grew up too. I am trying to be healthy and that is all that matters. Right?
Phew!! That felt good. Might do more of it later....
I want to vent, rant and rave. I am not going to use foul language or cause bodily harm to anyone this rant is against. So rest assured.
So you made it this far? Boy, you really must love my rants!
Oh, a lot of things tick me off. I am/have been/will certainly be ticked off by…
… bosses who, instead of patting me on the back for emergencies well handled, drag me through a Q&A and expect me to use my third eye and sixth sense to handle problems well before a) they arise, or b) are reported.
... colleagues who won't prepare their own purchase requests for items they need and then pester me with "Is it done yet?". No amount of "Do it yourself" hints and direct suggestions will make them understand (or is it that they don't want to understand?? Pretend to be a fool and get your work done - hmmmmm. Good strategy).
... people who try to "help" even when I didn't ask for help, and especially when I have refused offers of help. Buddy, back off!! I'll ask for it when I need it - OK? OK??
... drivers who change lanes or turn without turning on their turn indiactors.
... drivers who give a turn indication as (or after) they take a turn or change lanes. Hello? Just because you turned on the indicator doesn't mean there is space between my car and the one ahead of me!
... people who ask me "but why do you want another child?". Some people are exempt - they can ask such questions, and I will try to explain. But others (read mom whose daughter used to be in the same class as mine in grade one) SHUT UP!! Why did YOU have 2 kids if having more than one kids is so terrible?
... people who comment "Wow! You are lucky!" when I inform them that I will be out of office the next day. DO NOT ASSUME that this day off is for fun. I might be going in to the doctor's office to get medication that will help me miscarry the blighted ovum that my "happy till yesterday" pregnancy has turned out to be.
... people who repeatedly say "Time for another one!". SHUT UP!!
... people who, when I tell them what an angel my daughter was at age two, say "Oh girls are easier to raise". You should have tried raising me at ANY age after birth. I have HIGH regards for my parents' patience. DO NOT try to explain differences in personalities by basing them just on gender.
... friends who start any phone conversation (even if it was I who placed the call) with "Where have you been? Bade busy ho gaye ho? (You've gotten very busy?)". Yes, and I just remembered something I have to do. Click.
... friends who insist we should not have our housewarming party for at least another year because we are such a busy couple. MY house. MY party. I DECIDE! OK?
... friends who insist that I should either let them cook or order food from outside when I invite them to my daughter's birthday party (again because I am "so busy"). WTF??
... people making racial comments implying one race is superior to another or one race has more problems than another just because it is that race.
... poeple comparing siblings to decide who is sweeter, more intelligent, fairer, darker, faster, wittier.... They are TWO DIFFERENT PERSONS. They cannot, and should not, be alike. Comprende?
... friends/relatives commenting how strict we are with our daughter (for the record - we are not. There are just a few non-negotiable points. Apart from those, she can do anything she wants to after she gets permission from one of us)
... friends/relatives warning me to just "wait and see - your daughter will not listen to you (or get out of control, or become mischievious, or whatever) when she grows up". You know what? You have been saying that since she was 18 months old. I am still waiting. I am not saying that there won't be any problems, but don't predict doom just because she listens to her parents more than some other kids do.
... people asking me "How much more do you want to study? I wouldn't want to study this much!". Know what? None of your f---ing business!
... relatives and friends back in India who, when we call them, just want to know how much weight I have gained/lost/am trying to lose etc. Sweetums - I stopped obsessing about my weight looong time ago. Its time you grew up too. I am trying to be healthy and that is all that matters. Right?
Phew!! That felt good. Might do more of it later....
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Small Strip, BIG Chuckle
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
This, that and a whole lot...
As one of you already knows and the rest of you must have guessed - the IVF cycle didn't work. I was disappointed but after struggling with infertility for more than 4 years, I am at a point where I go in with zero expectations. I have my defence mechanism firmly in place. I believe in "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". No - I am not a pessimist. I am going in for another IVF cycle next month and I still believe it can work. I just need a safe distance from the raw emotions that the rigors of an IVF cycle can generate.
Well, we got that out of our way. Now on to the other things that have been going on.
The in-laws are here. So, as can be expected, life is HECTIC. Especially, since I want them (read MIL) to relax and have a vacation, I try not to leave a lot of work for her to do (apart from what she absolutely needs to do to keep her from going insane from the inactivity :P). Boy! Is that taking a toll on me or what!! I am perpetually tired and feel a "chronic bad mood" coming on. Well, this too shall pass.
My daughter's school reopened today. And this year... (*Drumroll please*) we remembered to take a camera, made sure the battery was charged and... (*more drumroll please*) REMEBERED TO TAKE SOME PICTURES TOO!!
A lot of things to say - so little time. Gotta go now - was working the 11 am to 7:30 pm shift today. t is 7:22 pm. I do NOT want to stay in this place a minute longer than it is absolutely required of me. So off I go! (YES. It takes me about 15 minutes to shut down my laptop, stuff it in my backpack, gather all my stuff, lock up my office, go down to the parking lot, get in my car, start it and drive away). Oops, I lost another minute there...
BYE!!
Well, we got that out of our way. Now on to the other things that have been going on.
The in-laws are here. So, as can be expected, life is HECTIC. Especially, since I want them (read MIL) to relax and have a vacation, I try not to leave a lot of work for her to do (apart from what she absolutely needs to do to keep her from going insane from the inactivity :P). Boy! Is that taking a toll on me or what!! I am perpetually tired and feel a "chronic bad mood" coming on. Well, this too shall pass.
My daughter's school reopened today. And this year... (*Drumroll please*) we remembered to take a camera, made sure the battery was charged and... (*more drumroll please*) REMEBERED TO TAKE SOME PICTURES TOO!!
A lot of things to say - so little time. Gotta go now - was working the 11 am to 7:30 pm shift today. t is 7:22 pm. I do NOT want to stay in this place a minute longer than it is absolutely required of me. So off I go! (YES. It takes me about 15 minutes to shut down my laptop, stuff it in my backpack, gather all my stuff, lock up my office, go down to the parking lot, get in my car, start it and drive away). Oops, I lost another minute there...
BYE!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)