"I" of the storm

 Sue has started a Red Marker Blogathon which goes like this:

"If some word/phrase/idiom/spelling/syntax/punctuation incorrectly used drives you up the wall, blog about it.

The only rule is that you must explain what is wrong with the usage that it bothers you so and you must also explain the proper usage.
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You can blog about any language you like, there is no need to restrain yourselves to English.

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Please leave me your link as a comment at this post when you're done. Feel free to send me links of other participants you've noticed.

Pass the word, tag people you know who have opinions on this"

There are so many mistakes people make that irritate me. Yeah well - I am a cranky old hag. What will YOU do about it, HUH??! Many others have jumped in to utilize this opportunity to voice their irritation. I'll list a couple in this post. Then we'll see if my cranky old hag-gy mind can remember more.

The improper usage of "I" gets my goat. 

"The boss gave Shelley and I a tough task". 

That red marker up there does look ugly, isn't it? Well, I'll leave it there. Just as a reminder to SHAPE UP OR I WILL HOUND YOU WITH A RED MARKER!!! Phew! Yes, thank you. 

I think according to the rules I must clarify what's wrong with this usage. The simple rule is - when using "I" in a sentence like this, remove the other name/pronoun and see if the sentence still makes sense with "I". In this case "The boss gave I a tough task" - ummmmmm.... doesn't quite sound right to me! Don't use those I's indiscriminately people!! Now someone saying "John/My husband and I wish you a very happy New Year" is saying it correctly, so don't you go after them with the dreadful red marker!!!

Another thing that just sends me deeeeeep into the cranky, old hag-dom? The usage of the word "thingie" to describe anything that you cannot remember or do not know the name of. 

Like that... that thingie you use to describe a person or a thing, you know!

You mean an adjective? Oh THAT!!

Don't come and start sentences like "You know that round, flat thingie in your kitchen...?" The "round, flat thingie" must have a name. Is it a plate? a button? A pill? UFO? (Though what would it do in my kitchen is beyond me) Frisbee?? WHATTTT???????

Tell me the darned NAME or I will beat you to a pulp with that long, wooden, cylindrical-ish thingie I have in my kitchen! I call it a ROLLING PIN!!

Going down the evolutionary ladder

I remember reading that development of an opposable thumb was a major milestone or a benchmark in humans' evolution. Having an opposable thumb gives us a definite advantage in tasks that involve fine motor skills. Well, I recently lost the use of the opposable thumb on my right hand. I am right handed so obviously that has been a big  Ouch Factor in everything I do these days.

I never realized I use my thumb in so many small tasks (I did know I use it for bigger tasks like gripping something or lifting things). Take typing for instance. Typing became a painful chore when I hurt my thumb. Then, this morning, I figured if I use the side of my thumb instead of the tip, it hurts less. (Which makes me thankful for another evolutionary development - brain) I have been able to gain some of the speed back and the Ouch Factor has been restricted. But other simple tasks such as dialing a number on the phone, typing in texts on the phone, writing, holding anything that requires support of a thumb have become excruciatingly painful. Apart from bringing out the cry-baby in me, this has also made me realize how grateful I am for being born on the top of the evolutionary ladder. I do realize I wouldn't be typing, texting or dialing if I had been anywhere lower on the evolutionary ladder anyway. But it definitely would have hurt to even pick up that club to bring the next meal in, I am sure. Or to bash the partner in the head.

Oh, and that reminds me - I am DEFINITELY very grateful that the skill of walking on two feet had already been developed, tried and tested before I made my appearance (not counting the crawling I did for a brief period of time during my infancy - that does NOT count!!). My back thanks you, my ancestors!!

My inspiration, my ideal...

...my mom.

I guess I have never told you so, Ma. I look up to you in everything I do. You showed me it was possible to hold down a job and still care for a family. You showed me a woman could DEMAND respect, and that she DESERVED it. You showed me a parent has to be more stubborn than their kids for the discipline to stick. You showed me one should do whatever they can, for family. You always told me to think from the other person's point of view before judging or arguing with them. You showed me strength in the face of adversity. You have shown me how to bounce back from the worst of tragedies. You taught me to keep my head during times of crises. Above everything else, you always made me feel that I had a safe haven in your arms, should things go wrong for me at any stage of life. I try to follow these examples you set for me through your (and mine) life and hope that, one day, I will be at least half the woman you are.

Happy Mother's day Ma!!

If I were living in a parallel universe...

I'd still be married to J (yeah that one's non-negotiable :P)

I'd be a successful jetsetting executive in a company.

I'd be nicer, non-bitter, friendlier and saner.

I'd have THREE kids, with the oldest and the youngest being 4 years apart, at the most.

I'd still be nicer, friendlier and saner (after having the third kid).

I'd have had the kids without IVF.

I'd still have my dad and he would give the kids horseback rides and tell them stories.

I'd be living next door to my brother, his wife and our parents.

I'd be at a healthy weight. NON-obese.

I'd have the time and support to go to the gym.

I'd be reading a LOT of books and none of them would be textbooks.

I'd NOT be writing this post!

There! Introspection for the year - done!

A new discovery!

BOYS!!! From what S tells me, the whole sixth grade gang of girls has discovered them. Only as preteen girls of 11 and 12 can :) Some are "going steady" some have "boyfriends" and some, like S, just like a boy from afar. In her own words - "I only LIKE him. It's not like I LOVE him or anything. Or that I cannot live without him". Well, I am glad to see you still have your head on your shoulders honey :P What makes things more interesting is that T, the boy S likes, is "going out" with D who is one of S' good friends. But S claims that it doesn't bother her because she only likes T and doesn't expect him to like her back. Sigh! I never expected that kind of level-headed thinking from any of MY girls!!

This all came out last night when I mentioned in the passing that I had heard a girl we know, "A" (who is in sixth grade as well), had a boyfriend. I was immediately provided with the intricate details of who is going out with whom, who likes whom and who broke up with whom. After that session I could feel my head swimming. There is no way I can keep up with these preteens' busy social lives!

That also brought a question from S. "What would your reaction be if I told you that I have a boyfriend?" I can't say that I wasn't expecting it. Or I should say I was prepared with an answer - only, I was not expecting it this early. I told S I'd be fine with it as long as she doesn't hide it from me and her dad. I also wanted to tell her that if she feels ashamed or nervous about introducing a boy to us, he probably is not boyfriend material but I thought I'd leave that for later discussions. 

I know some of our friends will probably be shocked at the "westernized" way we are bringing our daughter up. Good Indian girls don't have boyfriends. They don't even know about the birds and the bees until they get married :) Okay, so they are not THAT innocent but going by the reaction of a few parents in our group, to mentions of boyfriends and kissing etc. it is clear that, according to them, Indian girls should maintain their "Indian-ness". They should not blindly follow the western culture. Never mind that they are living in the freaking middle of the said culture. And truthfully, I have come across plenty of American moms who are pretty worried about keeping their girls away from boys. One such mom mentioned to me that she doesn't remind her daughter about a friend (who is a boy, of course) whom she grew up with because, FRANKLY, she doesn't want her thinking about boys yet.

Edited to add: On second thought, maybe some of these friends don't exactly think that an Indian girl should not have a boyfriend. Maybe they, like me, think it is too early at 11/12 to think of boyfriends. But I say you cannot stop them from thinking. You can only control your reaction to it and with it, hopefully, still make your kids secure enough to come and confide in you.

Well, I have news for you mom!! If your daughter is a sixth grader, she IS thinking about boys. She was probably thinking about them in fifth grade too. (I had my first crush at the ripe old age of 10!!) Maybe she still has that innocence and isn't thinking of having a boyfriend yet, but the other girls around her ARE thinking and talking about boys so, believe me, your daughter is too. In that case wouldn't it be better to keep the communication channels open and LET your daughter talk (and think out loud) about boys a little? Just so you can provide a little guidance to her at an age when she needs it the most. Now, I think this American mom is pretty cool and is probably already doing all this. (S thinks she is AWESOME!!!!!! - all the exclamation marks and the bold print intended :P) Maybe she just mentioned it to me as the way of expressing an opinion about such young girls dating. But I do see this attitude in many other parents - specially within our Indian circle. NO boys! NO sex! NO drugs! NO alcohol! Well, I do agree that our kids are better off without the latter three. But I am not naive enough to believe that just because I say no, my child will comply. So I make sure that I say no, I explain why and then I also tell her that she can still come to me if she does slip and make a mistake. I tell her it is okay to talk about ANYTHING with me. I show her that she can talk to me about anything by not having a strong negative reaction to something she tells me, no matter how much it shocks me. By making her feel secure that no matter what she says to me, I will not judge her.

One couple is determined to return to India by the time their older child turns 6 or 7 just because "the Western influence spoils the kids here and then they are no longer under your control". I could argue against this point on so many levels! First - Western influence spoils the kids??! For the record, I have seen enough American kids who have their heads screwed on right, and have the right priorities. I have also seen Indian kids born and brought up in America who make the right choices and have some sense. I know that kids in India are not entirely free of the "Western influence". There are as much drugs and sex problems among teens in India as there are here. Second - WHY would you want your kids under your (absolute) control?? [The friend in question mentioned that in India neighbors and relatives can help you keep an eye on the kids and report everything they do, to you. That IS absolute control in my opinion] Your job as a parent should be to teach them the right values, point them in the right direction and let them find their own path. And be there to support them when they stumble or fall. Your job, as a parent, is NOT to MAKE their path for them. Or to be the sentry on that path, keeping a strict eye and preventing them from making any mistakes. In my opinion, mistakes help us grow as a person, but that is neither here nor there and certainly not the point of this post. Third - do they expect their kids to escape all these influences in India??! And do they think they cannot influence their own kids during their formative years here, in America?? Kids look up to us a lot more than they let on, really.

So, to come back to the post, S and I talked about a lot of things.  At one point she told me about a girl in her class who has already been "through FIVE boyfriends!!" I took that opportunity to explain to S that given their age and inexperience in life in general, it IS a good idea not to bind yourself to or to go steady with just one person. If you don't hang out with a number of friends (who are boys), how WILL you know if the boy you like and want to go steady with, IS your kind of boy? 

I also met with her guidance counselor at school to discuss some recent teasing S had been subjected to. When I told him that S had come to me and told me about the teasing his first comment was "You must be doing a great job if your daughter still comes to you to discuss her problems at this age". It hit me then! Maybe my attempts at keeping the communication channels open ARE working! All I need to do now is KEEP them open. 

Easier said than done!

What about you? How do you keep the communication going between yourself and your children? What would your reaction be if your 11 year old daughter came to you and said she likes a boy? Or if your 12 year old son came and told you he likes a girl? What DO you think about middle school kids and dating? I personally think it is too early at 11 or 12 but I also know that my saying so will not deter them. (Having friends of the opposite sex is okay in my eyes) Share your strategies with me. I am new at this "parenting a preteen" gig!!

A good start,

this.


"The Obama Administration announced plans today to hold a Forum on Workplace Flexibility on March 31st at the White House. The President and First Lady will discuss the importance of creating workplace practices that allow America’s working men and women to meet the demands of their jobs without sacrificing the needs of their families." says a press release on the Whitehouse website. 


It is needless to say that a discussion on this is badly needed. That would be a start, not a solution. But to reach a solution, someone needs to start talking about the problem.


I am lucky enough that my current boss understands the need for urgent absences from work to deal with family matters like sickness of a child, among many others. I joined my current job on September 8th, 2009. In less than a month, S developed a severe reaction to antibiotics (Augmentin - from Amoxycilin family) that were prescribed to her to deal with a secondary infection she had developed on the site of an eczema rash. Due to some stupid decision form the doctor who was treating her at the time, the reaction got worse. As a result S spent more than two months suffering terribly from the rash. And I had to leave work on multiple occasions to go administer some medicine or to take her to the doctor's for an emergency visit. If my boss hadn't been sympathetic and understanding, I would definitely have lost the job. After all, my last job had taught me that taking time off for personal reasons, time that I had earned with my hard work, will go against me when it came to measuring performance.


It is no secret that I underwent IVF to conceive the second time. Infertility treatment is an aggressive regimen that requires money, emotional and mental strength and time. I needed to go to the clinic almost every other day for the numerous blood tests and ultrasound scans, which used to be generally scheduled first thing in the morning. But it meant I would be half hour to an hour late for work on those days. I wasn't looking for charity or to be let off easily but my boss at that time wouldn't agree to let me come i an hour late and work until an hour after my usual time on those days. Our offices stayed open till 7.30 pm so it would not have been a great problem for him to allow me to do so. Instead he made me take half a day off every time I needed such a procedure. As a result I had only 5 or so days of paid time off (out of 21) left by the end of September. On more than one occasion, I got a lecture from him on how it was better for him because his wife was home full time so he didn't have to worry about running off at odd times (even though he did!). And that if I had "so many family issues" I should choose between family and work. I should really decide which one is more important for me. I hope no one ever has to make that choice. And then I got an official memo from the HR to explain why I hadn't managed my paid time off properly.


After my maternity leave of three months was up I returned to work. My parents who had come to help me out with the baby left when she was about 7 months old. As soon as the baby started going to the daycare, she started coming down with back to back ear infections. That time was the toughest in our lives. I would often be called from the daycare to come pick her up because she was running a fever. My previous boss had left the company and the new boss was fairly understanding. But the company policies were still the same. I had to apply for special unpaid days given my circumstances. Half of those unpaid days could have been avoided if the company had just had a policy to let its employees work from home. I believe this also became one of the factors in the decision that the company later took to let me go even though I had more than proven my competency to handle the job.


My point behind this rambling is - no matter what kind of job you work in, life happens, emergencies happen. It doesn't have to be only kids. It could be aging parents. The employee's own, or spouse's, health. Usually an employer can find ways to make things a little easier for the employees but most times they don't. I believe making laws to mandate this kind of consideration might backfire in the long run. Instead starting a conversation to understand the issues might help generate, in businesses, the effort to find the balance between demanding efficiency and being considerate towards difficult circumstances that their employees are facing.


I and my husband both work full time. We both juggle our schedules to be able to take care of our kids. I have full support and cooperation of my husband when emergencies need to be dealt with. Even with his support, I sometimes find it difficult to keep all the balls in the air. Imagine how tough it must be for single parents or for those who don't have the convenience of flexible timings. This goes for anyone who is working, not only those who have kids. Many times efforts to create workplace flexibility are met with resistance because single people and those who don't have kids think that those who do (have kids) get off easy just because of that. I think workplace flexibility should be available to everyone because, you know, even people without kids can have emergencies. If you work, it doesn't (and shouldn't) mean that you cease to have life outside of it.

Amen!

S and I were working out in the yard last night, taking pictures and making a list of all the stuff that we lost when our basement flooded this weekend (another post on that later) when, somehow, the topic of old age (mine) came up. It happened this way:

S: You must be feeling really bad about losing all these cards and letters that you had saved.

Me: Meh. I figured I hadn't looked at them in the last 5 years so maybe it won't matter to me. I might miss them in my old age when I do have the time to sit and look through such things. But I sure hope that even in old age I will be active and busy enough not to have the time.

S (after a moment of silence): In your old age you will be living with ME. And my kids will keep you busy.

Me (melting into a mush): Awwww! I would LOVE to live with you! But what if your husband says no?

S: I will tell him you are MY mom and that you WILL live with me.

Me: What if he says he wants HIS mom to live with him?

S: We will get a bigger house.

Amen, my darling daughter. Amen!

Note: Later we clarified that "mom" meant BOTH her parents. "Mom" was just figure of speech :)

I still miss you,

I just don't talk so much about missing you any more. It has been 1 year, 5 months, a week and a day. It still hurts but the hurt is a part of me. I don't notice it most times.

I am watching "3 Idiots". I laugh at the jokes. Then I think how you would have loved the movie. I miss you.

I am taking a shower. I have the sniffles. I suddenly remember how you used to scold me for taking showers late at night and then falling sick. My tears blend with the water. I miss you.

I just spoke with a friend who just lost her mother. I am crying for her loss. Suddenly I remember MY loss - you. Now I am crying for my loss. I miss you.

I am entertaining guests at home. We are laughing and joking. Someone praises the rice pulao I have made and I remember how you used to make it much, much better. I miss you.

A friend is talking about the vacation she and her husband took with her parents. I remember how I had thought we would go on a tour of Europe together. I miss you.

I call Ma. My calls to her are twice as frequent and half as long. I miss you.

Another friend talks of her "Baba". I remember I had my "special" name for you - "Pa". Not papa. Not pappa. Pa. Nothing unique, but something I called you. I wish I could call you "Baba" - it sounds so much sweeter. I miss you.

I am driving home. I remember the pride with which I drove you and Ma around town when you both visited us for the first time. I miss you.

I am driving (again). I remember the first time you sat with me in your car while I was driving it. I was new at it. I remember how you didn't say a single discouraging word but clutched the door handle tight until we got home :) I miss you.

You know, Ma bought a new car. Sonu was there when she bought it and they both brought it home. On their way, they stopped at the temple. I know you would have too. Ma - the staunch Arya samaji, who never went to temples of her own accord. Not to worship anyway. Sonu, the staunch atheist. They went to the temple. They miss you too.

To my "Little Women"

Previously posted on Desicritics. org.


Dear M and S,

Yesterday was International Women's day. I wanted to write this for you then, but better (a day) late than never, right? 

You, my beautiful little ladies, are the reason your dad and I find each day worth living to our fullest. Before you came into our lives, we had no idea that we lacked something (or two special someones) in our lives. But now we cannot imagine not having you in our lives. I shudder at the thought of sending you to college. I will probably be the helicopter mom personified, literally hovering over your dormitories and classrooms. I have no qualms about embarrassing you, my darlings. See, that is what we are saving for - your respective therapies that will be needed just for the fact that you have been subjected to your dad and me :)

That apart, here is something I want you never to forget. You are going to grow up into beautiful, confident women. Your dad and I will make sure of that. The world and its uncle will try to tell you how a woman should behave, think, dress or live. Before they get to you, I want to imprint a few things on your minds.

1. You DON'T have to please everyone all the time. You DON'T have to please ANYONE at all, if you don't feel like it. Sure, nice people sometimes do some things for others that make them (others) feel good. I am all for such niceties. But remember - NEVER be forced into doing something, anything for someone if your heart, gut or mind says no. Listen to your "self". I am not condoning selfishness. I am just saying that do not give in to someone's "Good girls make sure their parents/husbands/boyfriends/friends/God/whoever are happy". Remember, a happy and contented self is much better than a happy anyone-else. But diplomacy sure does make life easier - remember that!

2. Stand up for yourself. Because no one else will, if you don't. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to. If you think what you are offering someone is reasonable and fair, it probably is. If they don't agree, negotiate. But DO. NOT. BE. BULLIED. INTO. SUBMISSION!! It is possible to be pleasant and yet stand your ground. At the same time, never be hesitant in unsheathing your claws when you have to. Sometimes you HAVE to show people what you are really made of in order for them to take you seriously.

3. Remember good men don't hit women. They don't terrorize women, humiliate them or coerce them into doing something they don't want to do. There are plenty of good men around. You DON'T have to settle for anyone less than "good". Not even for "good enough". It is better to spend life alone than to put up with an abuser just because "Good" didn't come along. Have the confidence to go on your way alone and I am sure you will find someone who is just right for you. Even if you don't, remember YOU are perfect for you! Remember how your dad loves and respects me. Always remember - you deserve such a partner too. Never settle for anything less.

4. Be financially independent. No matter how loving a husband/partner you have and even if you are well taken care of, make sure you have at least one UPDATED skill that can get you gainful employment whenever you need. You never know what curveball life will throw at you next year, next month or next moment. Be prepared. If you WANT to work, never let anyone tell you that good wives or mothers don't. Never let another person dictate whether or not you should work, or where for that matter. There is no blessing greater in this world than to be able to do what you want to do in life. And don't let any idealist tell you that working to "earn money" is inferior to any other goal. Don't let money be your be all, end all. But do make some money. You will realize a healthy bank balance brings along mental peace and allows you to focus on the more important things in life - like family. Don't undervalue money, but don't overvalue it either.

5. Take good care of yourselves. Take time out for yourself, no matter how crazy life is and no matter how many responsibilities you have. Even if you are with someone, make sure you take out time for YOU. Alone. Very important for your "self" AND for any relationship. Eat healthy, exercise, be active. Have some hobbies that take you outdoors and allow you to be physically active. Mental agility is good too. Try and strike the balance between the two.

6. Be cautious. In unknown locations, uncertain situations and around unknown people. ALWAYS be on your guard! Safety should be a habit, not a "hobby". I cannot stress this enough.

7. Learn everything there is to learn to survive AND to live comfortably. Learn what it takes to progress in your professional fields, learn to cook, to sew, to change a flat tire, change a light bulb, repair a fuse, fix a toilet. In short - anything that you might need to do one day. Or earn enough to be able to pay others to do all this for you. But I'd still say knowing how to do all these things is a good idea - then you will know if someone is trying to rip you off by charging, say, 50 bucks to fix a fuse.

8. Don't hold regrets and grudges. They poison minds, hearts and relationships. It is a difficult thing to learn. I am still learning it. But I hope you will do a better job of it than me. Talk things out. Don't let a little disagreement fester into a big one. Learn to apologize when it is your fault, but don't be apologetic all the time. Learn when to say "I understand you feel this way, but I think I am right".

9. Take a long time to make friends and even longer to end friendships. Remember it is hard to undo the hurt of a mean word or gesture. But also know when to let a relationship go. If it is preying on your mind and being, but going nowhere, you are probably best OUT of it than in.

10. Be competitive. Healthy competition builds character. Don't let the pacifists tell you that participation is good enough. Participation is good but winning, or trying to win, is better. I don't mean to tell you that your efforts are worthless if you don't win. What I mean to tell you is put in your 100% efforts and then some more. If you win, good, if not at least you know you tried your best.

11. Love each other unconditionally. A sister (sibling) is our first and ever lasting best friend. Sure you will have differences. Who doesn't? But learn to resolve those differences amicably. In the end, when your dad and I are gone, you will only have each other to lean on.

There! 11 things - one for each year that I have been a mother. There are many more things I want to tell you, teach you. More later!

M's midnight conversations

M is getting chattier by the minute. I believe she hasn't been quiet for even a minute (except when she is sleeping) for the last 4 days AT LEAST. If she is not chatting with us, she is singing or chanting something going around in circles around some coins she has arranged in some specific order on a stool. In short, there is always some sound emanating from her :P

It is tricky to adjust the heat in our house to perfect levels so sometimes the house gets a little too warm at night for comfort. At times like these, M wakes up and immediately starts singing, "reading" her book or, worse, chatting with us. This is how one of those conversations recently went:

M: Mamma, I reading book!! (We leave a book in her crib)

A very sleepy Mamma: Hmmmm

M: Mamma I like play Miss Colleen (Miss Colleen is one of her daycare providers)

A very sleepy Mamma: Hmmmm

M: Mamma, "hmmmm" nahi karo! (Don't say Hmmm)

Now awake mamma: Okay baby. You like playing with Miss Colleen? That's nice. Now go to sleep.

M: Dadda sleeping?

Mamma: Yes, dadda is sleeping baby. Now you go to sleep too.

M: Dadda, wake up!

Sleepy Dadda: Hmmmm

M: Dadda, "hmmm" nahi karo. Dadda, talk karo, dadda!! (Don't say Hmmm dadda. Talk dadda!)

.....

.....

SIGH!! We want to sleeeeeep!! We NEED sleep. Can someone come talk to her at night please, while we catch a shuteye? Pretty please?!!

Sare kuttey bhai-bhai?

Excuse my language! I think it is time I graduate this blog from being a PG rated one to a PG-13 rated blog at least. I wrote about the Ruchika Girhotra case some time ago. Though a big ruckus had been created over it something told me things were going to stay the same. I have been following the news on Rathore and even though the government is trying to create a show and dance about justice being served, I don't think anything significant or of consequence is being done. This piece of news caught my eye. The government will start the procedure of reducing Rathore's pension. This was reported on January 29th. Sounds promising, doesn't it? Well, to me it sounds like someone is dragging their posteriors in the hopes that this issue, like million others, will die down so that those in power can go around abusing power and position like before. This is just one news report on the matter. There are plenty others which show that nothing is actually being done. Except a song and a dance. Bleddy hypocrites!

What actually prompted the title of my post was this piece of news: Former DGP of Punjab police, KPS Gill thinks Rathore should not be stripped of his medals. He says in other countries, only those who have committed treason or are involved in international criminal activities are stripped of their medals. So this means "small" crimes like molesting a teenage girl and then driving her to suicide shouldn't carry such penalties? One needs to remember that this is the same KPS Gill who was convicted of sexual harassment of a senior female IAS officer. In this case, the victim was an educated lady who knew her rights and stood up for them. She might even have had some power, though not as much as Gill obviously. And even then, she was only able to get Gill a sentence of rigorous imprisonment of 3 months and a simple imprisonment of 2 months followed by 3 years of probation which was later reduced to just probation. I am sure strings must have been pulled to accomplish this. And it took 17 (!!!) years to accomplish this. Can you see why I am so doubtful anything will come of the Ruchika Girhotra case? 

On one of the articles someone has posted a comment saying since Rathore got the medal in 1985 and the molestation happened in 1990, the medal should not be taken away because it was for past performance. I think now that the molestation has come to light, the medal should be taken away keeping his "past performances" in view. What do you think, my 2.38 readers?

You know what? If something does happen in this case, and IF Rathore does get his just dues, I will eat my words right here on my blog. Until then I will maintain reservations about the big show being put up for the benefit of the gullible. And pin my hopes on youths like this one. Sad as it may seem, people who take law into their own hands seem to be our only hope.

Homosexuality - Are Heterosexuals Right In Being Righteous?

Note: Previously posted on Desicritcs.org

What I really, absolutely don't get is how or why people consider homosexuality 

1. immoral

2. unnatural

3. criminal 

Looking at it as a rational human being, I see two adults who love each other enough to want to spend their life together and, of course, have sexual relations with each other. They are not harming anyone. They are not imposing their views and choices on anyone. What they do in the confines of their homes is, and should be, none of our business. No one peeks into a heterosexual couple's bedroom to see what they are doing, do they? Then why do some people consider it their right to poke their noses into a homosexual couple's business?

Is it unnatural? If yes, how? People wouldn't do something, which obviously generates so much hate in many others, if it weren't somewhere a part of their nature, their being. I fail to understand what is so unnatural about feeling sexually attracted to another person of the same sex. It can happen. Who can understand exactly how a human mind works? Why do we like certain people enough to be ready to have sexual relations with them, while we wouldn't even imagine it with some others? If the opposite sex was the only thing that mattered in sexual relationships, there wouldn't be so many dating and match making sites out there, right? 

I have a lot to say on the topic but my words usually get lost in the outrage I feel when I see people being so intolerant about something that doesn't even affect them in any tangible or intangible way. Yes, some would say it weakens the moral fiber of our society. What moral fiber? The moral fiber that allows people to kill girl children just because they are girls? The same moral fiber that advises a victim of molestation to "be more careful" instead of punishing the perpetrator? Or the moral fiber that binds the society into inaction and silence when they see a woman being harassed on roads and other public places? Or maybe they mean the moral fiber that bound a certain class of people in the category of untouchables for generations? No, really. PLEASE explain it to me.

I read this article in The Times of India. This is the pits of civilization - people barging into other people's homes. Even if the door was open, it didn't mean an open invitation to come in and invade the privacy of the person living there. There are so many things wrong here. Students thinking they can play moral police. The University's administration even entertaining the students’ attempt to bring Dr. Siras' homosexuality to light. The administration questioning and suspending him. The local TV channel making "news" out of this. (Is this "news"?? I shudder at what's considered news these days. But that is material for another post). What saddens me the most is that Dr. Siras is leaving without disputing the administration's decision. I think he should have stood up to them, but then I have not lived his life. Who knows what else he had to undergo? The humiliation this incident alone must have generated must be crippling.  

Then I found a link to this article under the above mentioned article. Really? Decriminalizing homosexuality means (I quote) approval of "one more way of largescale sexual exploitation of children" ??! How does one make THAT leap of conclusion? I fail to understand. When I see such ignorant remarks my mind just stops functioning and I am reduced to a sputtering, blubbering mess.

In my opinion, unless the human race learns tolerance, it won't be progressing very far. People from different religions will kill each other, heterosexuals will kill the homosexuals, young will kill the old and countries will wipe out each other. Maybe we SHOULD let that happen. Then we can start from scratch and hope that the next "batch" of humans has more sense and tolerance.

Take the blinders off!!

Ever since I read this article in The Hindu , I have been itching to post my views on it. Or on the point of view expressed in it, to be more accurate. I found a link to this article on Indian HomeMaker's blog and she, as always, has written very well on it already. Normally, if I see someone else do such a great job of commenting on something (and if I know I cannot do a better job on it than them) I leave well enough alone. But this article just raised my hackles so much that I couldn't stop myself from commenting on it. Such a one-sided view of this issue is guaranteed to get a rise out of me every time. I wrote on this topic a little while ago as well here and here.  Do read Indian Home Maker's post too - it is more detailed and better composed.

Where do I begin? I have something to say to almost every line/ statement of the article. Some sentences start out on the right note then abruptly take the most absurd turn. 

Far too many people see things in only black or white. Pro-life means valuing life (I get that) but pro-choice means one WANTS to take lives?? Where does one get THAT interpretation from the word? Pro-choice means just that - someone who favors the option of giving a woman the choice instead of making the decision for her. Who says the woman WILL choose to take the life she is carrying? Maybe she will decide to keep the baby. At least the decision will be hers and she will be more at peace with what follows.

Similarly, the debate of Stay-at-home-mom vs. Work-out-of-home mom seems starkly black and white in some people's minds to me. Take the author of this article for example. She made the decision to stay at home after she had her kid. The decision worked out well for her. She enjoyed staying at home with the baby, did not have any considerable financial worries or ambitions in her prfessional field. I say "Good for her!!" But then to go on and bemoan the fact that women these days value career more than getting married or having kids just highlights the "holier than thou" attitude that many people advocating SAHMs sport. 

I don't disagree that there ARE many women out there who consider house work below their dignity just because they are "highly educated and/or working". They suffer from the same monochromatic view of the world, I think. What the proponents and opponents of working out/staying home forget is that as long as the working out of home or staying at home is THE WOMAN's choice, and as long as she makes sure her children are well cared for, it is NO ONE ELSE's business what she chooses to do!

Most mothers, who work out of home, do make sure their kids are well fed, well taken care of and get to spend time with them. NO ONE except the mother and her children, can determine how much time is good enough for them to spend together. Exceptions are there in every case. For every mom who stays at home and takes great care of her kids, I can point out one who doesn't. Similarly there are working mothers who take care of their kids and homes and there are working mothers who don't. Instead of blaming feminism, the ever-popular scapegoat, maybe we should try and understand that there are all kinds of people (and thereby, mothers) in this world. How they handle things (or don't) depends a lot on what kind of a person they are and less on a movement that started to get women their rightful place in the society.

This article offends my sensibilities at so many levels that the mind boggles. Take this part - "I get the feeling fertility is a disease. When the contraceptive pill was first introduced, it was a triumph for working women, a symbol of liberation. Women then were keen to get on it; today we know the side effects include “blood clots, diabetes, depression or anxious emotional states” and many women are keen to get off it." Now if one were to pause for a second and think - WHY were women so eager to get on the pill? Because they wanted control over their own fertility! How many times have we heard women complain they have to stay on the pill because their husband refuses to consider options like condoms or vasectomy? So the options for a woman are to beg her man to use condoms or be ready for a pregnancy she might not want? I'd rather be brainwashed by feminism, thank you!

The author left her job after she had a kid because, in her own words, "The juggling act between the home and the job would leave me exhausted and stressed." Did she consider asking her spouse to pitch in with the child care and house chores? That way they wouldn't have had to rely excessively on the maids for child care. Yes, it is good for a child to spend a big chunk of their time with a PARENT - who, quite not so obviously to many people, CAN be the dad as well. Even if she didn't, leaving the job was HER decision and I respect that. She is happy with her decision, more power to her! But other women don't necessarily have to follow her example. My husband shares child care duties and house chores with me equally. That is another way. A friend works full time, brings home a sizeable salary, her job provides health insurance for her family while her husband runs his business from home and is the primary care provider for their three daughters. Who is to say this arrangement is inferior to the other two arrangements? Who gets to decide what is a fair arrangement? The couple! And NO ONE ELSE! I don't judge others who don't follow what I do. And I don't get why others get their knickers in a twist when some women prefer to go out to work instead of staying at home, whatever their reasons be. I also don't get it when someone makes a "concession" for the mothers who work because they need the money. Money isn't the only motivational factor for finding employment. Many women work because they like their job. And I do believe every woman should at least have the qualifications and capability to be financially independent, even if she chooses not to work outside of home.

The article does not outright condemn the working mother. (Another term I have a bone to pick with. ALL mothers work, whether they stay at home or step out of it to earn a living). But the way the author pointedly asks "Are money, career, and power the only measure of success? Family, health, love and memories should count much more. Shouldn’t feminism mean greater power, freedom and, above all, greater happiness for women?" she is single-sidedly assuming that mothers who step out to earn a living (or peanuts, like me) are doing so BECAUSE they don't value family, health, love and memories. Who died and made her the queen of all such insights, is what I want to know! Yes, feminism means greater power and freedom for the women. Which, in turn, should bring greater happiness (and peace of mind) to the women. Now WHAT brings a woman that happiness and peace should be up to a woman to decide, right?!

How the tables were turned

I had been "training" M for two things since a long time. That training completed a couple of months ago when M finally learned to answer two questions:

Q: Who is the Drama Queen?
A: (patting herself) Ninni daama qeen!!

Q: Who is the boss?
A: Mamma bossh!!

I showed off a few times in front of friends by asking her these questions and having her answer them "correctly". Of course, J and S could not tolerate my success so they started a campaign of their own. They taught M to answer these questions as follows:

Q: Who is the Drama Queen?
A: Mamma daama qeen!!

Q: Who is the boss?
A: (patting herself) Ninni bossh!!

This generated much laughter and whooping around the house. Then I managed to turn the tables on them. It went this way:

J: Ninni, who is the drama queen?
Ninni: Mamma daama qeen!

Mamma: No, MY daama qeen!!
Ninni: No, MY daama qeen Ninni!!

J: No, no. Ninni who is the dramam queen? Say "Mamma"!
Mamma: No, MY drama queen!!

Ninni: NO, MY DAAMA QEEN NINNI! MAMMA BOSSH!!

Goes to show who really is the boss ;)

If I knew then what I know now

I would have

1. Ran away

2. Not agreed

3. Not said yes

4. Fought more

1.

I would have ran away and lived in a hostel instead of sucking it up at my uncle and aunt's. It wasn't only mental and emotional torture I went through at their hands. They successfully stopped my career from even taking off by stopping me from following promising opportunities that came my way. I can't blame them though - they only did what I allowed them to do.

2.

I wouldn't have agreed to J's "suggestions" of not getting a job anywhere away from my parents' home because he thought that would help us convince his parents to let us get married. His parents would have agreed no matter what because if he really did want to marry me, he would have stuck to his guns (which he did, BTW). I can't blame him because I did not put my foot down or think it through before agreeing.

3.

I would not have said "yes" to J's dad's condition that I won't work after getting married if I wanted to marry his son. As I said, if J wanted to marry me, he would have stuck to his guns and his parents would have had to agree anyway. I can't blame J's dad because I accepted the condition wholeheartedly. 

4.

I would have fought more with J to go back to study when things were simpler for us and we HAD the money to spare, however little. He thought other things were more important for us or that I should ask my company to pay for the courses I wanted to take. I couldn't make my company do it and then the time for it was gone. Now we don't have the time OR the money. I can't blame J for it though. I knew how important it was for me, J didn't. I should have fought more.

I am struggling heavily with all these demons from my past. Demons of MY bad decisions. Like I told J last night - it is MY life and I am responsible for my decisions. ALL my life I thought of others. Thought of how it would affect my parents if I ran away. Thought of how I should stand by J in trying to convince his parents. I should have had the sense to realize that if it took this much sacrifice from me to convince them, the decision WILL come back to haunt me some day. Why am I writing this down? So, one day, when (or IF) my daughters are ever in a similar situation where they need to make a life altering decision, they'd read this and think a bit more before deciding anything. I hope they grow up to have more sense and awareness than I did.

It probably is too late

but I'll write this anyway.

Happy Anniversary, dear hoosband. You and I have known each other for almost 20 years, loved each other for 19 and been married for 14. We have been through a lot together. Studies, boring lectures, interesting group discussions, tyrant uncles and aunts (well that one I went through alone but you were by my side holding me together), angry parents, controlling parents, financial troubles, secondary infertility, kids' health troubles... And we stood by each other through everything. I am sure we will weather anything life throws our way.

With you, life seems like a Foxtrot. Sometimes an easy pace, sometimes blurs by at a fast clip. But we keep pace with each other, swing together, never miss a beat. Of ocurse it took us a lot of hard work to find this rythm. But we couldn't have done it if you hadn't been willing. Now we are a team. I buckle, you lift me. You slow down, I fill in. Sometimes I don't even need to say what I am thinking because I already know you understand.

I often remember random incidents from the past and they bring a smile to my lips. Remember we rushed through the statistics paper (in 4th sem?) and then went to the "thadi" to have a "cut chai"? God, I HATED that chai. But I loved your company so I pretended to like it :) Remember the first time you bought me a rose? I do! Remember you gave that beggar kid an extra buck because he said "Bhagwan aapki jodi salamat rakhe"? And we weren't even dating then. It proves you had designs on me much before you let it on! :P Remember your first proposal? It broke my heart :( But I am SO GLAD that I made the right decision! I could never have found a better partner than you.

I think I can never say this enough - I love you. I love you like I have never loved anyone, ever. Happy (belated) anniversary dahlin'. Here's to many, MANY more. *clink*

Scary thought

I have had a recurrent dream in the past year or so. The uneasy feeling I got from it would stick with me even after I woke up. I only recently realized that it was an effect from that dream.

The dream was (is?) that I have final exams fast approaching - I get a sense that they are for my Bachelor's degree. And I suddenly realize that I haven't studied one paper of math AT ALL. It worries me but I try to convince myself that I will prepare for it well in time. And then I wake up. I feel relieved that it was all a dream.

Well, many of us have had that kind of dream some time or the other in our lives and I am well aware of what this kind of dream could mean. What scares me the most is - what if THIS is a dream, and THAT a reality??

Where does "control" figure in your parenting style?

Note: Previously posted on Desicritics


When I first became a parent, I thought I could control all aspects of bringing up my child. Her environment, her influences, her choices, likes and dislikes. Well, I knew I couldn't control her choices, likes and dislikes completely, but I sure hoped I could help shape them. Only thing is - I didn't think of this as "controlling behavior". I sincerely thought of it as "perfect parenting".


11 years down the line, I know one thing. There is no such thing as a "perfect parent". I have worked hard at keeping an open communication channel with my older daughter (the younger one is too young to "communicate") and through various conversations with her I have realized that, maybe, I went overboard in certain things. Things that, when I reconsider my approach, I could have held back on and gotten approximately the same results. In other words, I should have been more picky about choosing my (parenting) battles.


Good thing is - I realized it at all. Given that I have an ego the size of a mammoth, it hasn't been an easy task to realize and accept that I am not *gasp* The Perfect Parent!! I see parents around me who have gone through YEARS of parenting without realizing that the amount of control they want to exert on their kids' lives is not healthy. It is unhealthy for their relationship with their kids and it is probably unhealthy for their kids' self-esteem. Extreme control will, most probably, either make the kids complete pushovers or rebels. It will disrupt their ability to develop a balanced personality. There are very few who have, and will, overcome that kind of influence and go on to develop all-rounded, wholesome personalities.


I understand the need to control your child's environment, influences etc. when he/she is little. But I am a great believer of gradually letting go as the children grow older. My intolerance towards extreme parental control also arises from witnessing, firsthand, how some people try to control even their grown up, adult children. It is difficult to let go when you are not mentally prepared for it. I have seen what kind of bitterness that introduces in the relationship between the parents and children.

So, how much control is acceptable in your opinion?

Justice for Ruchika Petition

Justice for Ruchika Petition

This is an improvement

I wrote about Ruchika's Girhotra's case yesterday. It depressed the hell out of me, agitated me to a state of wordlessness and left me seething. Today I read this piece of news. The Law and Order machinery in India seems to have woken up finally and it looks like the guilty might get punished.

But what I am wondering about is - do they expect Rathore to just sit at home, waiting for them to come arrest him while they go around the world declaring their intentions of bringing him to justice?? Don't they expect him to run and hide? Or is that what they expect exactly? Should be really convenient for all parties concerned - the government gets to save face, Rathore escapes any serious punishment and Ruchika's family gets fucked once again. The skeptic in me always looks at the possibilities hidden in a situation.