No really! What DO women want??

This is what the good folks at Blogadda were asking and wanted desi bloggers to answer. If you are a woman, you had to write about what you (or all women) want and if you are a man, you had to write about what you think they want (Hasn't that always been a problem though? People think they know what women want and expect women to act accordingly) I missed the boat on that one because I didn't feel my post was good enough to be submitted for the contest. But I think I will post it here on my blog because, really, my blog can take anything I throw at it :)

By the way, they have already declared the results and I love, LOVE the post that won the first prize. Do check it out. Seems my decision not to enter the contest was a wise one. I can't compete with that kind of genius :)

Here is how my post goes:

I am a woman and here is what I want (or have wanted at some point in my life). Many of these could be termed dreams because I don't believe people will get it even after we tell them what we want :P

1. Women want to be heard. Most people speak, think (or not) and never listen. Specially when it comes to their expectations of women. Heck, they don't even remember to ask a woman what she wants.

Oh, we treat our women as "devis".

No thank you. I'd rather you treat me as a human being. Do no impose devi-giri on me, do not tell me it is my strength that allows me to tolerate everything I go through. DO NOT put me on a pedestal for tolerating shit from you or anybody else. I don't want to compete with Laxmi, the goddess of wealth. I'd rather you treat me as an equal and let me work hard where ever I want to work, in which ever field I like, to bring home "Laxmi" just like my husband does, and be a contributing partner in our team. Even when (or if) I am not earning, I AM holding the fort at the home front so my husband can go out and make a living without having to worry about childcare or meals. I AM A CONTRIBUTING PARTNER REGARDLESS OF MY EARNING STATUS. I want people to understand that.

2. Women want to be treated with respect for their intelligence. Not feared. Not ridiculed. Not ignored. Respected. 

I lived in India when I was expecting my first child. On occasions my OB/GYN made me feel like a dumb dame by assuming/acting as if I didn't have the capacity to hear or understand what she had to say. Like when I was experiencing strong labor pains and was also bleeding heavily, and went to consult her (on my way to the hospital) - she turned to my brother in-law (who was with me) and told him why she thought the baby wasn't descending. She talked to him about the entire situation referring to me in the third person as if I were some vegetable they were considering buying or selling!! Even when she mentioned that I might require a C-section. My brother in-law is a doctor so, I agree, he should have been given the information so he could better help me. But I was there too!! She could easily have addressed both of us. 

3. Women want a chance, to make their own decisions, to follow their own dreams and instincts. Don't tell a girl that she should opt for Biology or literature because that will allow her to go into teaching which, in turn, will allow her to more flexibility to be home with her kids. She might want to become a car mechanic for all you know. Don't tell a woman to leave her job when she gets engaged or pregnant. Mention that she should leave her job and join cooking classes (or sewing or any other classes that teach "womanly" skills) at the risk of losing limb or life. Don't tell a woman to "get a job now that your kids are going to school full time". It should be her decision.

I would like to be an equal participant of all financial decisions made in the family. I would like to be the maker of my own decisions, not an "acceptor" of the decisions someone else makes for me.

4. And lastly, one particular woman wants a surprise birthday or anniversary party from her partner but, frankly, she doesn't think it even occurs to him :)

My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes: Tag

Starry tagged me. This is an interesting tag - originated at IndianHomeMaker's. Following are the rules:

Please list at least ten things you have ever wanted or done which your gender is not supposed to.

The tag is called ‘My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes’. And you must tag twelve blogging friends or else you will be cursed to wear blue clothes pants if you are a woman and pink shirts if you are a man – for next twelve years.

My sins? Aplenty! (I am cheating by combining a few into one point, but shhhh!! Let's not tell Starry!)

1. I enjoy going out alone and eating out *gasp* ALONE!! I love going out for lunch/dinner without J or the girls. I almost never go out alone for dinner but do it for lunch often. I wish I could live alone for a while. I am comfortable with solitude however I am not sure how long it will take for me to be alone and start hating it.

2. I do not enjoy wearing jewelry. Or lets say, I enjoy going without it. Right now I am wearing NO ITEMS OF JEWELRY. Not even a ring or ear-studs. Not even a chain. Suggest that I wear a chain, specially during summer, AT YOUR OWN PERIL!!! I doubt that this can be classified as jewelry! Growing up I was always wistful that I wasn't allowed to wear trousers and jeans. Now I wear them to my heart's content :) Even navy blue ones :D

3. I enjoy playing with gadgets. And I LOVE wielding a hammer!! I am the official manual-reader and instruction-follower in the family. J calls upon me to troubleshoot if he gets stuck assembling something. And the reason I don't assemble those things in the first place? I am usually busy with other things and that is not the fight I'd pick with J. There HAVE been times when we fought over who will assemble a piece of furniture :D But I'd rather maintain harmony than assemble furniture :D

4. I am good at troubleshooting PC/Printer/Other gadget issues. I am a darned good Network support technician/ Network Administrator, even if I say so myself. And so far, in my networking career, I have always been the only woman in whichever team I have been on. I was the only woman left in my Networking class (there were 3 of us in the beginning - the other two dropped out after the first sem).

5. I had/have guy friends. I hung out with boys in high school and even in college. I can get along well with men and women both, but relate better with men than with women. Even while discussing husband problems with girlfriends, I often recoil in shock to realize that I am more like their husbands (in attitude, not looks silly!) and not them.

6. I prefer doing physical, outdoorsy stuff to just sitting around chatting. That was the main reason I hung out with boys in high school. Girls usually sat around and told each other movie stories while boys would pick up a rock and start playing catch. I preferred the latter - even though it meant bloody, bruised hands.

7. I HATE asking for directions and help. 'nuff said! Plus I whistle. And I can out-burp or out-fart a man anyday :) I do feel slightly ashamed accepting the last bit because it is due to digestive problems that I do it, but it is what it is, right? Oh, and I LOVE potty humor! And encourage my daughters to indulge in it :D I also call a spade a spade. So, no "cutting the cheese" for me. It is a "fart" - plain and simple!

8. I hate Barbies, though I am not afraid of them anymore. Growing up I preferred throwing a tennis ball against a wall (or up in the air) and catching it, to playing with dolls. My brother took batter care of his dolls than I did. (Yep!! My dad bought dolls for BOTH of us once - and I love him for it! And love my mom for not saying even once that bro should not be playing with a doll.) I didn't do it while growing up, but now I LOVE math!! And I always loved science. And technology.

9. I don't paint my nails. Or moisturize. Am not afraid of turning 40 (which I do, in less than a month), or any other "ty". I don't care about what others say - if I am confident I am doing the right thing, I go ahead and do it. I don't look at the "Joneses" to decide how to decorate my house or bring up my children. I don't even read parenting books. Run away from them, actually :)

10. I love working outside of home. I don't feel guilty about leaving my kids at daycare/ after-school-childcare while I go to work. I take babies clinging to my legs in my stride. I would NOT give up working outside of home if I can help it. I have already said that I don't dabble in "mommy-guilt".

Edited to add:


11. I love riding motorcycles! I learnt to ride a scooter in 12th grade and motorcycle (Yamaha) in B.Sc. After that I never let an opportunity to ride/drive a motorcycle go by. In 1994, when I was working at a Computer Coaching/Software development institute, I once gave my scooter (Bajaj Super FE - anyone remember that?) for servicing. My boss gave me his Yamaha to take home for lunch that day. Boy, was that fun!! Two boys living across the street from us kept peeking out of their window to gape at a GIRL riding a MOTORCYCLE!! Oh, and I used to wear a full-mask helmet like this (mine was not errrr... as "colorful", but the shape and design was exactly like this. Mom still has it) and I believe I was one of THREE girls in the whole town who wore a helmet like that. Wish I had pictures :(

Oh, and did you know that up to 2 months ago the "Genderanalyzer" couldn't determine if my blog is written by a man or a woman? It said my blog was fairly "gender neutral". Now it says it is 62% feminine. Darnitt!! I liked the gender neutrality bit.

Tagging Kiran, Eve's lungs, Orbitbud, Mona, MayG, Itchy, Ro and my brother at DogJournals (even though I doubt that he will take this tag up, the lazy bum!) I also wanted to tag TBG, but he has already been tagged. I also tag Life Refactored. Pliss to spik up if you want to be tagged. Otherwise I will wear navy blue pants for 12 years to come. I just hope I don't have to wear the same navy blue pants for 12 years *shudder*.

Now, some funny/cute Hindi-speak

because it comes from the mouth of children who are growing up in an American environment speaking a language (English) that does not have many sounds that Hindi does. Since kids learn languages better at a younger age, it is a good idea to expose them to as many languages as possible (on a regular basis for them to be able to pick up the languages). But that also brings a drawback with it. Kids can learn the language but (I believe) they pick up the accent that they primarily hear.

For example, S and M both speak and understand Hindi but their exposure to spoken English is far more than that to spoken Hindi (8+ hours at school/daycare vs. 4-5 at home) Plus, once your ears become attuned to the sounds of one language you start "speaking" other languages in that language. At least that is what S does. So she has a hard time pronouncing Hindi words that have the composite sounds containing the "hh/th/gh" etc. sounds in them. Like "haathi" (elephant - हाथी ) becomes हाती. (haati)  घर (Ghar = house) is pronounced as गर (Gar = no meaning).

She also has problem saying the "ड़" sound which cannot be compared to ANY sound in English. So she pronounces that as "र" ("r"). "पापर" (पापड़), "दौर" (दौड़) and "बरा" (बड़ा) is how she says the words containing this sound. I have been trying to train her to say these words properly by having her repeat this sounds in rapid succession like "ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़" and she does say it correctly when I have her do this. But when it comes to speaking fluently, she reverts to the "English-y" accent.

I don't fret about this too much because I think she is doing great - at least she doesn't feel ashamed in speaking her mother tongue - unlike some kids I have seen in our friend circle.

Then there are some words that S mispronounced by replacing letters which resulted in some funny mistakes. I loved those and keep reminding her of those mistakes just to keep those memories alive. She once asked me if I could make some "मकोड़े" (Makodey = ants) for snacks when she actually wanted to eat "पकोड़े"  (Pakodey = a savory snack made by dipping assorted vegetables in a chickpea flour batter and deepfried) :D Once she complained that I make too much "कुत्तपम" (Kuttapam = not a word really but "kutta" means "dog" in Hindi). She was actually complaining about "उत्तपम" (Uttapam) :)

There are many other words that S mispronounces and to my ears they sound cute and funny and sweet - because she is at least making an effort. (I am looking forward to similarly hilarious times with M :D)

Pliss to not to spik to me like this

Another post for Sue's Red Marker Blogathon. I have already written one post for it.

My parents always insisted we speak as pure Hindi/ English as possible. Which meant not speaking like this: "I तो went there और उसने खाना भी cook नहीं किया था so I had to वघारो-fy the दाल myself, you know!"   We got raised eyebrows and mini-lectures for such language. We were taught to say it entirely in Hindi or in English. Such Hindlish business was not allowed in my parents' home.

So that IS my pet peeve for today. Agreed, Hindi has borrowed a lot of words from English and it is almost impossible to speak a sentence completely in Hindi without having to use a word from English. But still, use of words like "वघारो-fy" grates  on  my nerves.   It isn't too difficult to speak this sentence either in Hindi or English - one just needs to make up one's mind.

There are a lot of other incorrect usages of Hindi words that I feel like correcting but not with the same vehemence. Mainly because most times the speaker simply doesn't know that he/ she is speaking incorrectly. Interchanging the words "कृपा करके" or   "कृपया" with "कृपया कर के", for instance.   

The first two expressions essentially mean the same thing - "Kindly (followed by a request)" but the third expression is absolutely incorrect. 

कृपया = कृपा कर के

कृपया कर के = कृपा कर के कर के (redundancy)

Another mistake people make while speaking Hindi is in pronouncing the "ऋ" sound. 

It is pronounced as "ri" (with a short "ee" sound) and not as "ru" (with a short "roo" sound). So कृपया should be pronounced as "kri-pa-yaa" and not as "kru-pa-yaa".

I recently read this article that advocates simplifying spellings. My initial reaction was of strong disapproval but a couple of friends gave arguments that convinced me that simplifying spelling might actually be a good thing because it will make communication easier. I agree with that point but the purist in me still feels sad that things have come to this. Simplifying spelling is a good concept - trouble is, where will we stop? Will we stop at "becoz" or will we go further and simplify "friend" as "frend" and "friends" as "frendz"? Where will simplification of English end and standardization of SMSese (a "language" I abhor) begin? 

Pleading "Not Guilty"

Note: I had been planning this post for a long time but now seemed like a good time to post it because I came across the The Women's Web 'Mommy Guilt' Contest. Mommy Guilt is omnipresent, but it doesn't have to consume us!

I often joke that the only trips I take are the Guilt Trips that the states of being a mother, daughter, wife and friend induce. I am way too familiar with the feeling of guilt. The pensiveness, the tension. The nagging feeling that you are responsible for someone else's unhappiness or misfortune. Oddly tough, the guilt I suffer the least is Mommy Guilt. I guess I have been through too much to have already realized that NOTHING is under your control as a parent. 

I had no problem conceiving my first child. It seemed like we decided to have kids, started trying and Boom! I was pregnant. Well, not right away. It took us two tries because the first month we were so tired we fell asleep during the baby making process. (Yeah mom!! That's what happened and it IS funny so don't run away now. Read the entire post :P You too, bro! :D) Then, 3 years later, we decided to bring another child into this world and started trying. And kept trying. And trying. And trying. For four years. And then a bulb went "Ping!" in our brains! WE NEEDED HELP!! So then began the trips to Infertility specialists and clinics and various labs. And the Guilt Monster raised its ugly head - maybe I hadn't been taking good care of myself, maybe I was too fat, maybe I had waited too long and my biological clock was all ticked out. The nice specialists we met slowly, but surely debunked all my maybe's. Women heavier than me got pregnant all the time and the test results showed nothing was wrong with me or J. At 35, my biological clock was fine too. Ours was "Idiopathic Infertility". I define it as "A condition where idiots, who have already conceived once, fail to conceive". I have found that humor is great for dissipating guilt :D 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs later, M came along. Now I look at M and tell myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty any more!"

Working-Mommy-Guilt has been the easiest to deal with. I grew up watching my mom juggle a job with family and housework and saw how she did it all. She actually made it look easy and fun AND fulfilling. So I always knew where I stood in this regard. In the "want to work outside of home" camp. Thankfully, with flexi-time and the good (albeit expensive) childcare options available to us here, it has been manageable AND fulfilling so far. What could be wrong in providing my kids with a secure financial future AND providing them with a happy and content mom? I see no reason to feel guilty there.

I have already written about how I realized that, as a parent, I can't really control everything my child does (or goes through). AT the age of 5, S developed Alopecia Areata. For days, even months and probably years, I tried to find reasons to blame myself. Maybe I didn't give her proper nutrition. Maybe I stressed her out with my discipline or over-scheduled her. Or, maybe, I gave her defective genes. Maybe my house was not clean enough or I was too anal about the cleanliness. ANYTHING that would give me a reason why my daughter was suffering from such an emotionally traumatic condition. Unfortunately, all the doctors we met slowly and methodically destructed all my reasons. Alopecia does not have a known cause, they told me. Then they proceeded to prove it with the umpteen tests they ordered - each test came back normal. Nothing was wrong with my child - except that she had lost 99% of her hair. 

Those were tough days. J and I would sweep up bags full of S' hair from the carpet,  and the vacuum would still clog up and whine in rage with the hair still left behind on the carpet. We painstakingly gathered all the hair that WAS left on S' scalp and tried to cover her head with it so the bald patches wouldn't show. We tried not to discuss how torn we were, in front of S. To her we presented an optimistic facade - that everything will be alright. That she will get all her hair back one day soon and this would be a nightmare left behind, never to be remembered again. She did get her hair back, but the nightmare hasn't been forgotten. She still gets bald patches here and there on her scalp but it isn't as bad either - we no longer fill bags after bags with her hair. 

It used to break my heart to see her try to cover a bald spot or to have her request me to fill out her missing eyebrow with an eyeliner. It is becoming easier to see her figure out ways to hide those bald spots and still look stunning. No that is not my mommy-pride speaking. Her self-confidence makes her shine. I know she still struggles internally with the condition. Still curses it. Hates the way her newly grown hair sticks out from between the rest of the hair. It is a constant battle between her hair and the gel she applies to keep the stray strands down. But I also see a strong woman emerging from within her. A girl who has gone through, and is still struggling with, Alopecia Areata. A girl who, just last year, had an allergic reaction so bad it would have had a grown man howling and is still struggling with the newly developed allergies that she didn't have before now, is now turning into a confident, still kind and loving (despite all the struggle) woman who makes her parents proud each and every moment of their lives. A girl whose teachers write emails to her parents singing praises of how she is the most loving and polite student they have ever met. A girl whose teachers/ school administrators stop me in the school office to joke how they wishe she would get at least one B grade because it just isn't possible for anyone to get all A's. (And I can't tell you how proud that makes me because she got those A's WHILE she was struggling with her severe allergic reactions and outbreaks). She has been the answer to my mommy-guilt. I see her and I see how she has turned out despite all the hardships she has faced, and I say to myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty for THAT!"




Edited to add: This post was considered a "notable entry" in the contest here.

"I" of the storm

 Sue has started a Red Marker Blogathon which goes like this:

"If some word/phrase/idiom/spelling/syntax/punctuation incorrectly used drives you up the wall, blog about it.

The only rule is that you must explain what is wrong with the usage that it bothers you so and you must also explain the proper usage.
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You can blog about any language you like, there is no need to restrain yourselves to English.

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Please leave me your link as a comment at this post when you're done. Feel free to send me links of other participants you've noticed.

Pass the word, tag people you know who have opinions on this"

There are so many mistakes people make that irritate me. Yeah well - I am a cranky old hag. What will YOU do about it, HUH??! Many others have jumped in to utilize this opportunity to voice their irritation. I'll list a couple in this post. Then we'll see if my cranky old hag-gy mind can remember more.

The improper usage of "I" gets my goat. 

"The boss gave Shelley and I a tough task". 

That red marker up there does look ugly, isn't it? Well, I'll leave it there. Just as a reminder to SHAPE UP OR I WILL HOUND YOU WITH A RED MARKER!!! Phew! Yes, thank you. 

I think according to the rules I must clarify what's wrong with this usage. The simple rule is - when using "I" in a sentence like this, remove the other name/pronoun and see if the sentence still makes sense with "I". In this case "The boss gave I a tough task" - ummmmmm.... doesn't quite sound right to me! Don't use those I's indiscriminately people!! Now someone saying "John/My husband and I wish you a very happy New Year" is saying it correctly, so don't you go after them with the dreadful red marker!!!

Another thing that just sends me deeeeeep into the cranky, old hag-dom? The usage of the word "thingie" to describe anything that you cannot remember or do not know the name of. 

Like that... that thingie you use to describe a person or a thing, you know!

You mean an adjective? Oh THAT!!

Don't come and start sentences like "You know that round, flat thingie in your kitchen...?" The "round, flat thingie" must have a name. Is it a plate? a button? A pill? UFO? (Though what would it do in my kitchen is beyond me) Frisbee?? WHATTTT???????

Tell me the darned NAME or I will beat you to a pulp with that long, wooden, cylindrical-ish thingie I have in my kitchen! I call it a ROLLING PIN!!

Going down the evolutionary ladder

I remember reading that development of an opposable thumb was a major milestone or a benchmark in humans' evolution. Having an opposable thumb gives us a definite advantage in tasks that involve fine motor skills. Well, I recently lost the use of the opposable thumb on my right hand. I am right handed so obviously that has been a big  Ouch Factor in everything I do these days.

I never realized I use my thumb in so many small tasks (I did know I use it for bigger tasks like gripping something or lifting things). Take typing for instance. Typing became a painful chore when I hurt my thumb. Then, this morning, I figured if I use the side of my thumb instead of the tip, it hurts less. (Which makes me thankful for another evolutionary development - brain) I have been able to gain some of the speed back and the Ouch Factor has been restricted. But other simple tasks such as dialing a number on the phone, typing in texts on the phone, writing, holding anything that requires support of a thumb have become excruciatingly painful. Apart from bringing out the cry-baby in me, this has also made me realize how grateful I am for being born on the top of the evolutionary ladder. I do realize I wouldn't be typing, texting or dialing if I had been anywhere lower on the evolutionary ladder anyway. But it definitely would have hurt to even pick up that club to bring the next meal in, I am sure. Or to bash the partner in the head.

Oh, and that reminds me - I am DEFINITELY very grateful that the skill of walking on two feet had already been developed, tried and tested before I made my appearance (not counting the crawling I did for a brief period of time during my infancy - that does NOT count!!). My back thanks you, my ancestors!!

My inspiration, my ideal...

...my mom.

I guess I have never told you so, Ma. I look up to you in everything I do. You showed me it was possible to hold down a job and still care for a family. You showed me a woman could DEMAND respect, and that she DESERVED it. You showed me a parent has to be more stubborn than their kids for the discipline to stick. You showed me one should do whatever they can, for family. You always told me to think from the other person's point of view before judging or arguing with them. You showed me strength in the face of adversity. You have shown me how to bounce back from the worst of tragedies. You taught me to keep my head during times of crises. Above everything else, you always made me feel that I had a safe haven in your arms, should things go wrong for me at any stage of life. I try to follow these examples you set for me through your (and mine) life and hope that, one day, I will be at least half the woman you are.

Happy Mother's day Ma!!

If I were living in a parallel universe...

I'd still be married to J (yeah that one's non-negotiable :P)

I'd be a successful jetsetting executive in a company.

I'd be nicer, non-bitter, friendlier and saner.

I'd have THREE kids, with the oldest and the youngest being 4 years apart, at the most.

I'd still be nicer, friendlier and saner (after having the third kid).

I'd have had the kids without IVF.

I'd still have my dad and he would give the kids horseback rides and tell them stories.

I'd be living next door to my brother, his wife and our parents.

I'd be at a healthy weight. NON-obese.

I'd have the time and support to go to the gym.

I'd be reading a LOT of books and none of them would be textbooks.

I'd NOT be writing this post!

There! Introspection for the year - done!

A new discovery!

BOYS!!! From what S tells me, the whole sixth grade gang of girls has discovered them. Only as preteen girls of 11 and 12 can :) Some are "going steady" some have "boyfriends" and some, like S, just like a boy from afar. In her own words - "I only LIKE him. It's not like I LOVE him or anything. Or that I cannot live without him". Well, I am glad to see you still have your head on your shoulders honey :P What makes things more interesting is that T, the boy S likes, is "going out" with D who is one of S' good friends. But S claims that it doesn't bother her because she only likes T and doesn't expect him to like her back. Sigh! I never expected that kind of level-headed thinking from any of MY girls!!

This all came out last night when I mentioned in the passing that I had heard a girl we know, "A" (who is in sixth grade as well), had a boyfriend. I was immediately provided with the intricate details of who is going out with whom, who likes whom and who broke up with whom. After that session I could feel my head swimming. There is no way I can keep up with these preteens' busy social lives!

That also brought a question from S. "What would your reaction be if I told you that I have a boyfriend?" I can't say that I wasn't expecting it. Or I should say I was prepared with an answer - only, I was not expecting it this early. I told S I'd be fine with it as long as she doesn't hide it from me and her dad. I also wanted to tell her that if she feels ashamed or nervous about introducing a boy to us, he probably is not boyfriend material but I thought I'd leave that for later discussions. 

I know some of our friends will probably be shocked at the "westernized" way we are bringing our daughter up. Good Indian girls don't have boyfriends. They don't even know about the birds and the bees until they get married :) Okay, so they are not THAT innocent but going by the reaction of a few parents in our group, to mentions of boyfriends and kissing etc. it is clear that, according to them, Indian girls should maintain their "Indian-ness". They should not blindly follow the western culture. Never mind that they are living in the freaking middle of the said culture. And truthfully, I have come across plenty of American moms who are pretty worried about keeping their girls away from boys. One such mom mentioned to me that she doesn't remind her daughter about a friend (who is a boy, of course) whom she grew up with because, FRANKLY, she doesn't want her thinking about boys yet.

Edited to add: On second thought, maybe some of these friends don't exactly think that an Indian girl should not have a boyfriend. Maybe they, like me, think it is too early at 11/12 to think of boyfriends. But I say you cannot stop them from thinking. You can only control your reaction to it and with it, hopefully, still make your kids secure enough to come and confide in you.

Well, I have news for you mom!! If your daughter is a sixth grader, she IS thinking about boys. She was probably thinking about them in fifth grade too. (I had my first crush at the ripe old age of 10!!) Maybe she still has that innocence and isn't thinking of having a boyfriend yet, but the other girls around her ARE thinking and talking about boys so, believe me, your daughter is too. In that case wouldn't it be better to keep the communication channels open and LET your daughter talk (and think out loud) about boys a little? Just so you can provide a little guidance to her at an age when she needs it the most. Now, I think this American mom is pretty cool and is probably already doing all this. (S thinks she is AWESOME!!!!!! - all the exclamation marks and the bold print intended :P) Maybe she just mentioned it to me as the way of expressing an opinion about such young girls dating. But I do see this attitude in many other parents - specially within our Indian circle. NO boys! NO sex! NO drugs! NO alcohol! Well, I do agree that our kids are better off without the latter three. But I am not naive enough to believe that just because I say no, my child will comply. So I make sure that I say no, I explain why and then I also tell her that she can still come to me if she does slip and make a mistake. I tell her it is okay to talk about ANYTHING with me. I show her that she can talk to me about anything by not having a strong negative reaction to something she tells me, no matter how much it shocks me. By making her feel secure that no matter what she says to me, I will not judge her.

One couple is determined to return to India by the time their older child turns 6 or 7 just because "the Western influence spoils the kids here and then they are no longer under your control". I could argue against this point on so many levels! First - Western influence spoils the kids??! For the record, I have seen enough American kids who have their heads screwed on right, and have the right priorities. I have also seen Indian kids born and brought up in America who make the right choices and have some sense. I know that kids in India are not entirely free of the "Western influence". There are as much drugs and sex problems among teens in India as there are here. Second - WHY would you want your kids under your (absolute) control?? [The friend in question mentioned that in India neighbors and relatives can help you keep an eye on the kids and report everything they do, to you. That IS absolute control in my opinion] Your job as a parent should be to teach them the right values, point them in the right direction and let them find their own path. And be there to support them when they stumble or fall. Your job, as a parent, is NOT to MAKE their path for them. Or to be the sentry on that path, keeping a strict eye and preventing them from making any mistakes. In my opinion, mistakes help us grow as a person, but that is neither here nor there and certainly not the point of this post. Third - do they expect their kids to escape all these influences in India??! And do they think they cannot influence their own kids during their formative years here, in America?? Kids look up to us a lot more than they let on, really.

So, to come back to the post, S and I talked about a lot of things.  At one point she told me about a girl in her class who has already been "through FIVE boyfriends!!" I took that opportunity to explain to S that given their age and inexperience in life in general, it IS a good idea not to bind yourself to or to go steady with just one person. If you don't hang out with a number of friends (who are boys), how WILL you know if the boy you like and want to go steady with, IS your kind of boy? 

I also met with her guidance counselor at school to discuss some recent teasing S had been subjected to. When I told him that S had come to me and told me about the teasing his first comment was "You must be doing a great job if your daughter still comes to you to discuss her problems at this age". It hit me then! Maybe my attempts at keeping the communication channels open ARE working! All I need to do now is KEEP them open. 

Easier said than done!

What about you? How do you keep the communication going between yourself and your children? What would your reaction be if your 11 year old daughter came to you and said she likes a boy? Or if your 12 year old son came and told you he likes a girl? What DO you think about middle school kids and dating? I personally think it is too early at 11 or 12 but I also know that my saying so will not deter them. (Having friends of the opposite sex is okay in my eyes) Share your strategies with me. I am new at this "parenting a preteen" gig!!

A good start,

this.


"The Obama Administration announced plans today to hold a Forum on Workplace Flexibility on March 31st at the White House. The President and First Lady will discuss the importance of creating workplace practices that allow America’s working men and women to meet the demands of their jobs without sacrificing the needs of their families." says a press release on the Whitehouse website. 


It is needless to say that a discussion on this is badly needed. That would be a start, not a solution. But to reach a solution, someone needs to start talking about the problem.


I am lucky enough that my current boss understands the need for urgent absences from work to deal with family matters like sickness of a child, among many others. I joined my current job on September 8th, 2009. In less than a month, S developed a severe reaction to antibiotics (Augmentin - from Amoxycilin family) that were prescribed to her to deal with a secondary infection she had developed on the site of an eczema rash. Due to some stupid decision form the doctor who was treating her at the time, the reaction got worse. As a result S spent more than two months suffering terribly from the rash. And I had to leave work on multiple occasions to go administer some medicine or to take her to the doctor's for an emergency visit. If my boss hadn't been sympathetic and understanding, I would definitely have lost the job. After all, my last job had taught me that taking time off for personal reasons, time that I had earned with my hard work, will go against me when it came to measuring performance.


It is no secret that I underwent IVF to conceive the second time. Infertility treatment is an aggressive regimen that requires money, emotional and mental strength and time. I needed to go to the clinic almost every other day for the numerous blood tests and ultrasound scans, which used to be generally scheduled first thing in the morning. But it meant I would be half hour to an hour late for work on those days. I wasn't looking for charity or to be let off easily but my boss at that time wouldn't agree to let me come i an hour late and work until an hour after my usual time on those days. Our offices stayed open till 7.30 pm so it would not have been a great problem for him to allow me to do so. Instead he made me take half a day off every time I needed such a procedure. As a result I had only 5 or so days of paid time off (out of 21) left by the end of September. On more than one occasion, I got a lecture from him on how it was better for him because his wife was home full time so he didn't have to worry about running off at odd times (even though he did!). And that if I had "so many family issues" I should choose between family and work. I should really decide which one is more important for me. I hope no one ever has to make that choice. And then I got an official memo from the HR to explain why I hadn't managed my paid time off properly.


After my maternity leave of three months was up I returned to work. My parents who had come to help me out with the baby left when she was about 7 months old. As soon as the baby started going to the daycare, she started coming down with back to back ear infections. That time was the toughest in our lives. I would often be called from the daycare to come pick her up because she was running a fever. My previous boss had left the company and the new boss was fairly understanding. But the company policies were still the same. I had to apply for special unpaid days given my circumstances. Half of those unpaid days could have been avoided if the company had just had a policy to let its employees work from home. I believe this also became one of the factors in the decision that the company later took to let me go even though I had more than proven my competency to handle the job.


My point behind this rambling is - no matter what kind of job you work in, life happens, emergencies happen. It doesn't have to be only kids. It could be aging parents. The employee's own, or spouse's, health. Usually an employer can find ways to make things a little easier for the employees but most times they don't. I believe making laws to mandate this kind of consideration might backfire in the long run. Instead starting a conversation to understand the issues might help generate, in businesses, the effort to find the balance between demanding efficiency and being considerate towards difficult circumstances that their employees are facing.


I and my husband both work full time. We both juggle our schedules to be able to take care of our kids. I have full support and cooperation of my husband when emergencies need to be dealt with. Even with his support, I sometimes find it difficult to keep all the balls in the air. Imagine how tough it must be for single parents or for those who don't have the convenience of flexible timings. This goes for anyone who is working, not only those who have kids. Many times efforts to create workplace flexibility are met with resistance because single people and those who don't have kids think that those who do (have kids) get off easy just because of that. I think workplace flexibility should be available to everyone because, you know, even people without kids can have emergencies. If you work, it doesn't (and shouldn't) mean that you cease to have life outside of it.

Amen!

S and I were working out in the yard last night, taking pictures and making a list of all the stuff that we lost when our basement flooded this weekend (another post on that later) when, somehow, the topic of old age (mine) came up. It happened this way:

S: You must be feeling really bad about losing all these cards and letters that you had saved.

Me: Meh. I figured I hadn't looked at them in the last 5 years so maybe it won't matter to me. I might miss them in my old age when I do have the time to sit and look through such things. But I sure hope that even in old age I will be active and busy enough not to have the time.

S (after a moment of silence): In your old age you will be living with ME. And my kids will keep you busy.

Me (melting into a mush): Awwww! I would LOVE to live with you! But what if your husband says no?

S: I will tell him you are MY mom and that you WILL live with me.

Me: What if he says he wants HIS mom to live with him?

S: We will get a bigger house.

Amen, my darling daughter. Amen!

Note: Later we clarified that "mom" meant BOTH her parents. "Mom" was just figure of speech :)

I still miss you,

I just don't talk so much about missing you any more. It has been 1 year, 5 months, a week and a day. It still hurts but the hurt is a part of me. I don't notice it most times.

I am watching "3 Idiots". I laugh at the jokes. Then I think how you would have loved the movie. I miss you.

I am taking a shower. I have the sniffles. I suddenly remember how you used to scold me for taking showers late at night and then falling sick. My tears blend with the water. I miss you.

I just spoke with a friend who just lost her mother. I am crying for her loss. Suddenly I remember MY loss - you. Now I am crying for my loss. I miss you.

I am entertaining guests at home. We are laughing and joking. Someone praises the rice pulao I have made and I remember how you used to make it much, much better. I miss you.

A friend is talking about the vacation she and her husband took with her parents. I remember how I had thought we would go on a tour of Europe together. I miss you.

I call Ma. My calls to her are twice as frequent and half as long. I miss you.

Another friend talks of her "Baba". I remember I had my "special" name for you - "Pa". Not papa. Not pappa. Pa. Nothing unique, but something I called you. I wish I could call you "Baba" - it sounds so much sweeter. I miss you.

I am driving home. I remember the pride with which I drove you and Ma around town when you both visited us for the first time. I miss you.

I am driving (again). I remember the first time you sat with me in your car while I was driving it. I was new at it. I remember how you didn't say a single discouraging word but clutched the door handle tight until we got home :) I miss you.

You know, Ma bought a new car. Sonu was there when she bought it and they both brought it home. On their way, they stopped at the temple. I know you would have too. Ma - the staunch Arya samaji, who never went to temples of her own accord. Not to worship anyway. Sonu, the staunch atheist. They went to the temple. They miss you too.

To my "Little Women"

Previously posted on Desicritics. org.


Dear M and S,

Yesterday was International Women's day. I wanted to write this for you then, but better (a day) late than never, right? 

You, my beautiful little ladies, are the reason your dad and I find each day worth living to our fullest. Before you came into our lives, we had no idea that we lacked something (or two special someones) in our lives. But now we cannot imagine not having you in our lives. I shudder at the thought of sending you to college. I will probably be the helicopter mom personified, literally hovering over your dormitories and classrooms. I have no qualms about embarrassing you, my darlings. See, that is what we are saving for - your respective therapies that will be needed just for the fact that you have been subjected to your dad and me :)

That apart, here is something I want you never to forget. You are going to grow up into beautiful, confident women. Your dad and I will make sure of that. The world and its uncle will try to tell you how a woman should behave, think, dress or live. Before they get to you, I want to imprint a few things on your minds.

1. You DON'T have to please everyone all the time. You DON'T have to please ANYONE at all, if you don't feel like it. Sure, nice people sometimes do some things for others that make them (others) feel good. I am all for such niceties. But remember - NEVER be forced into doing something, anything for someone if your heart, gut or mind says no. Listen to your "self". I am not condoning selfishness. I am just saying that do not give in to someone's "Good girls make sure their parents/husbands/boyfriends/friends/God/whoever are happy". Remember, a happy and contented self is much better than a happy anyone-else. But diplomacy sure does make life easier - remember that!

2. Stand up for yourself. Because no one else will, if you don't. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to. If you think what you are offering someone is reasonable and fair, it probably is. If they don't agree, negotiate. But DO. NOT. BE. BULLIED. INTO. SUBMISSION!! It is possible to be pleasant and yet stand your ground. At the same time, never be hesitant in unsheathing your claws when you have to. Sometimes you HAVE to show people what you are really made of in order for them to take you seriously.

3. Remember good men don't hit women. They don't terrorize women, humiliate them or coerce them into doing something they don't want to do. There are plenty of good men around. You DON'T have to settle for anyone less than "good". Not even for "good enough". It is better to spend life alone than to put up with an abuser just because "Good" didn't come along. Have the confidence to go on your way alone and I am sure you will find someone who is just right for you. Even if you don't, remember YOU are perfect for you! Remember how your dad loves and respects me. Always remember - you deserve such a partner too. Never settle for anything less.

4. Be financially independent. No matter how loving a husband/partner you have and even if you are well taken care of, make sure you have at least one UPDATED skill that can get you gainful employment whenever you need. You never know what curveball life will throw at you next year, next month or next moment. Be prepared. If you WANT to work, never let anyone tell you that good wives or mothers don't. Never let another person dictate whether or not you should work, or where for that matter. There is no blessing greater in this world than to be able to do what you want to do in life. And don't let any idealist tell you that working to "earn money" is inferior to any other goal. Don't let money be your be all, end all. But do make some money. You will realize a healthy bank balance brings along mental peace and allows you to focus on the more important things in life - like family. Don't undervalue money, but don't overvalue it either.

5. Take good care of yourselves. Take time out for yourself, no matter how crazy life is and no matter how many responsibilities you have. Even if you are with someone, make sure you take out time for YOU. Alone. Very important for your "self" AND for any relationship. Eat healthy, exercise, be active. Have some hobbies that take you outdoors and allow you to be physically active. Mental agility is good too. Try and strike the balance between the two.

6. Be cautious. In unknown locations, uncertain situations and around unknown people. ALWAYS be on your guard! Safety should be a habit, not a "hobby". I cannot stress this enough.

7. Learn everything there is to learn to survive AND to live comfortably. Learn what it takes to progress in your professional fields, learn to cook, to sew, to change a flat tire, change a light bulb, repair a fuse, fix a toilet. In short - anything that you might need to do one day. Or earn enough to be able to pay others to do all this for you. But I'd still say knowing how to do all these things is a good idea - then you will know if someone is trying to rip you off by charging, say, 50 bucks to fix a fuse.

8. Don't hold regrets and grudges. They poison minds, hearts and relationships. It is a difficult thing to learn. I am still learning it. But I hope you will do a better job of it than me. Talk things out. Don't let a little disagreement fester into a big one. Learn to apologize when it is your fault, but don't be apologetic all the time. Learn when to say "I understand you feel this way, but I think I am right".

9. Take a long time to make friends and even longer to end friendships. Remember it is hard to undo the hurt of a mean word or gesture. But also know when to let a relationship go. If it is preying on your mind and being, but going nowhere, you are probably best OUT of it than in.

10. Be competitive. Healthy competition builds character. Don't let the pacifists tell you that participation is good enough. Participation is good but winning, or trying to win, is better. I don't mean to tell you that your efforts are worthless if you don't win. What I mean to tell you is put in your 100% efforts and then some more. If you win, good, if not at least you know you tried your best.

11. Love each other unconditionally. A sister (sibling) is our first and ever lasting best friend. Sure you will have differences. Who doesn't? But learn to resolve those differences amicably. In the end, when your dad and I are gone, you will only have each other to lean on.

There! 11 things - one for each year that I have been a mother. There are many more things I want to tell you, teach you. More later!

M's midnight conversations

M is getting chattier by the minute. I believe she hasn't been quiet for even a minute (except when she is sleeping) for the last 4 days AT LEAST. If she is not chatting with us, she is singing or chanting something going around in circles around some coins she has arranged in some specific order on a stool. In short, there is always some sound emanating from her :P

It is tricky to adjust the heat in our house to perfect levels so sometimes the house gets a little too warm at night for comfort. At times like these, M wakes up and immediately starts singing, "reading" her book or, worse, chatting with us. This is how one of those conversations recently went:

M: Mamma, I reading book!! (We leave a book in her crib)

A very sleepy Mamma: Hmmmm

M: Mamma I like play Miss Colleen (Miss Colleen is one of her daycare providers)

A very sleepy Mamma: Hmmmm

M: Mamma, "hmmmm" nahi karo! (Don't say Hmmm)

Now awake mamma: Okay baby. You like playing with Miss Colleen? That's nice. Now go to sleep.

M: Dadda sleeping?

Mamma: Yes, dadda is sleeping baby. Now you go to sleep too.

M: Dadda, wake up!

Sleepy Dadda: Hmmmm

M: Dadda, "hmmm" nahi karo. Dadda, talk karo, dadda!! (Don't say Hmmm dadda. Talk dadda!)

.....

.....

SIGH!! We want to sleeeeeep!! We NEED sleep. Can someone come talk to her at night please, while we catch a shuteye? Pretty please?!!

Sare kuttey bhai-bhai?

Excuse my language! I think it is time I graduate this blog from being a PG rated one to a PG-13 rated blog at least. I wrote about the Ruchika Girhotra case some time ago. Though a big ruckus had been created over it something told me things were going to stay the same. I have been following the news on Rathore and even though the government is trying to create a show and dance about justice being served, I don't think anything significant or of consequence is being done. This piece of news caught my eye. The government will start the procedure of reducing Rathore's pension. This was reported on January 29th. Sounds promising, doesn't it? Well, to me it sounds like someone is dragging their posteriors in the hopes that this issue, like million others, will die down so that those in power can go around abusing power and position like before. This is just one news report on the matter. There are plenty others which show that nothing is actually being done. Except a song and a dance. Bleddy hypocrites!

What actually prompted the title of my post was this piece of news: Former DGP of Punjab police, KPS Gill thinks Rathore should not be stripped of his medals. He says in other countries, only those who have committed treason or are involved in international criminal activities are stripped of their medals. So this means "small" crimes like molesting a teenage girl and then driving her to suicide shouldn't carry such penalties? One needs to remember that this is the same KPS Gill who was convicted of sexual harassment of a senior female IAS officer. In this case, the victim was an educated lady who knew her rights and stood up for them. She might even have had some power, though not as much as Gill obviously. And even then, she was only able to get Gill a sentence of rigorous imprisonment of 3 months and a simple imprisonment of 2 months followed by 3 years of probation which was later reduced to just probation. I am sure strings must have been pulled to accomplish this. And it took 17 (!!!) years to accomplish this. Can you see why I am so doubtful anything will come of the Ruchika Girhotra case? 

On one of the articles someone has posted a comment saying since Rathore got the medal in 1985 and the molestation happened in 1990, the medal should not be taken away because it was for past performance. I think now that the molestation has come to light, the medal should be taken away keeping his "past performances" in view. What do you think, my 2.38 readers?

You know what? If something does happen in this case, and IF Rathore does get his just dues, I will eat my words right here on my blog. Until then I will maintain reservations about the big show being put up for the benefit of the gullible. And pin my hopes on youths like this one. Sad as it may seem, people who take law into their own hands seem to be our only hope.

Homosexuality - Are Heterosexuals Right In Being Righteous?

Note: Previously posted on Desicritcs.org

What I really, absolutely don't get is how or why people consider homosexuality 

1. immoral

2. unnatural

3. criminal 

Looking at it as a rational human being, I see two adults who love each other enough to want to spend their life together and, of course, have sexual relations with each other. They are not harming anyone. They are not imposing their views and choices on anyone. What they do in the confines of their homes is, and should be, none of our business. No one peeks into a heterosexual couple's bedroom to see what they are doing, do they? Then why do some people consider it their right to poke their noses into a homosexual couple's business?

Is it unnatural? If yes, how? People wouldn't do something, which obviously generates so much hate in many others, if it weren't somewhere a part of their nature, their being. I fail to understand what is so unnatural about feeling sexually attracted to another person of the same sex. It can happen. Who can understand exactly how a human mind works? Why do we like certain people enough to be ready to have sexual relations with them, while we wouldn't even imagine it with some others? If the opposite sex was the only thing that mattered in sexual relationships, there wouldn't be so many dating and match making sites out there, right? 

I have a lot to say on the topic but my words usually get lost in the outrage I feel when I see people being so intolerant about something that doesn't even affect them in any tangible or intangible way. Yes, some would say it weakens the moral fiber of our society. What moral fiber? The moral fiber that allows people to kill girl children just because they are girls? The same moral fiber that advises a victim of molestation to "be more careful" instead of punishing the perpetrator? Or the moral fiber that binds the society into inaction and silence when they see a woman being harassed on roads and other public places? Or maybe they mean the moral fiber that bound a certain class of people in the category of untouchables for generations? No, really. PLEASE explain it to me.

I read this article in The Times of India. This is the pits of civilization - people barging into other people's homes. Even if the door was open, it didn't mean an open invitation to come in and invade the privacy of the person living there. There are so many things wrong here. Students thinking they can play moral police. The University's administration even entertaining the students’ attempt to bring Dr. Siras' homosexuality to light. The administration questioning and suspending him. The local TV channel making "news" out of this. (Is this "news"?? I shudder at what's considered news these days. But that is material for another post). What saddens me the most is that Dr. Siras is leaving without disputing the administration's decision. I think he should have stood up to them, but then I have not lived his life. Who knows what else he had to undergo? The humiliation this incident alone must have generated must be crippling.  

Then I found a link to this article under the above mentioned article. Really? Decriminalizing homosexuality means (I quote) approval of "one more way of largescale sexual exploitation of children" ??! How does one make THAT leap of conclusion? I fail to understand. When I see such ignorant remarks my mind just stops functioning and I am reduced to a sputtering, blubbering mess.

In my opinion, unless the human race learns tolerance, it won't be progressing very far. People from different religions will kill each other, heterosexuals will kill the homosexuals, young will kill the old and countries will wipe out each other. Maybe we SHOULD let that happen. Then we can start from scratch and hope that the next "batch" of humans has more sense and tolerance.