Got a lovely rose from M's daycare.
And a card that had her picture in the middle and hand prints on each side. And a beautiful finger-painted card from S. She had painted a bunch of purple grapes with her fingers and written "Love you a bunch" inside. (Don't have a picture to post). And she gifted me a few of her prized possessions - some beautiful colorful stones. These things made this day THE BEST for me.
Something else made me a little sad.
Nothing - NOTHING - from J. Not a card. Not a bunch of roses. He did remember to wish me a happy Mother's day right before he called his mom, and I say GOOD FOR HIM! If he can't remember the mother of is own children, then he deserves the whack on his head that he would have gotten if he'd forgotten. But not receiving a card from him hurt me more than I thought it would. Even though I got the most beautiful cards from the girls, and they are the ones who matter on this day, it did pinch a little that J didn't care enough to get me a card. On Mother's day, we went to a friend's place to celebrate his birthday, and on our way there we stopped at a store to buy a bouquet for him. Even then it didn't occur to J that he should at least get me some flowers too. I went in to buy the flowers and it sure was infuriating to buy those flowers when I knew J didn't remember to buy me anything.
Maybe I am making a huge deal out of nothing. He is a good father and a very good husband. But all through our marriage, there have been such occasions. On my first birthday after we got married, he said he didn't "feel like buying me roses or more than one card" when I asked him if he was getting me any. This from the man who would get me roses for no reason at all when we were dating.
Lately it has been "I didn't get the time". I don't buy that. If I can find the time to buy him a Father's day gift in advance ONE DAY before going to the hospital for my scheduled C-section, if I can drive in snow to buy him a Valentine's day card and gift, if I can take time out from a busy schedule to get him a birthday card and a gift - so can he. He just needs to plan it better. I have been trying to make him understand - and have failed. Even when we were living in Indore with his parents and I was completely dependent on him for shopping (wasn't allowed to go out alone - don't ask), I managed to get him a surprise bouquet of roses every damn year with a friend's help. Heck, I even managed to gift him a surprise bouquet when we came here even though I didn't drive at that time and there were no flower shops within a walking distance.
I know I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He loves me more than anyone else in the world and that should be enough for me. I am not even mad about the damn roses or the gifts. In fact I asked him not to get me anything for my birthday this year because I want to buy a laptop next year. I am mad about the excuses. I am mad about how he makes it sound like he did remember but he is soooo busy that he couldn't step out to buy a card. It would be fine if he just accepted that he forgot/couldn't buy and said "sorry". That wouldn't be too hard now, would it? I would understand and maybe even laugh it off. But to say "You know how busy I am. How could I go?" insults me. You listening J?
Anyhoo. So, we fought over it and made up (Well, kinda. If we had truly made up, I wouldn't be writing this post, would I?). I decided that J WILL buy me flowers, whether he wanted to or not. So, on my next trip to the grocery store, I bought these for myself - from J.
And I coolly informed him that he is going to buy me flowers like this every 2 weeks. For ever. :)
For some reason, these flowers stank so bad that we spent a good half hour looking for a stinky diaper under the sofas and behind doors until it struck me that I had smelled that smell while I was grocery shopping too! Sure enough - we got a generous whiff of the "stinky diaper" smell when we performed a nasal investigation on the flowers!
It is time for me to go grocery shopping again. Will post a picture of the new flowers soon!
I like this idea of writing up a post to get the message across :).
ReplyDeleteI think, by putting it down in words, we are more clear about what is it that hurts or bothers, makes us think and rationalize as well.
Totally know what you mean.. my husband doesnt get me a card ever for mother's day.. (to be fair, its been only an year, but even so..).. says its too cheesy and contrived an occasion to warrant his attention.. bah..
ReplyDeletemen are like that only :) I always think BigGeek buys stuff for me on every occassion because he is scared of the aftermath :) CeeKay, do splurge on the flowers. I buy flowers every two weeks. And they make you so happy. And they are not expensive. Alistomeria or carnations cost $7.
ReplyDeleteDid you find why the flowers stank? Take them back. Did you trim the stems off?
With online Shopping and Spas all around, doesn't take much to make a quick stop...or even breakfast in bed...?
ReplyDeleteWe know how much our husbands appreciate us for all that we do, so why not do it in style when there's a wonderful Sunday to do just that?
'No time' is a definite -10000 points. Hope you have a surprise-filled Mother's Day in 09!!
LOL! Men will be men! :)
ReplyDeleteAwww I know what you mean..completely!!! Mine didnt even wish me..till later in the day.. and I rubbed it in his face,everytime,a friend or relative called up to wish me mother's day!!! The gift.. is added to the list of my ever-pending gift list!
ReplyDeleteI think its a very common male malady. the OA gets a card from me every year. for everything. i even make the effort to make cards from the kids. but he doesnt. on the other hand this year i decided not to get him a card and he didnt even realise.
ReplyDeletebut i have dinned it into his head that i like flowers in the house. he passes a wholesale flower market once in a while when he heads that way for meetings. then he brings back a huge bunch that i put all over the house...
Same episdoe, same fight - just yesterday!:)I get the "I have so much to do.. I wasn't even thinking about (insert occasion here)". Really?! Thank you for telling me. Flowers for self sounds great! I must do it starting this weekend.
ReplyDeleteBtw, M looks like a real doll.. bring out the skirts and frocks!
Ok - May I freak you out for a second? You had once written a random post about the cafetaria in your office bldg.. the woman puts meat and veg stuff all on the same grill. So for a few weeks, since our office was undergoing renov we were temporarily placed in the 'Taj Maahaal (ha!)' in RBrook. I go down and I see the deal.. you don't know me from a hole in the wall.. but your words come loud and clear in my head. Since I stood in line, I took the breakfast.. and promptly paid for it and threw it out. Please tell me this was the f'ing cafetaria you were referring to.
You're tagged, Cee Kay!
ReplyDeleteC'mom Cee Kay- S gave you a lovely card and gift, and the little one 'gave' you a rose and a card.
ReplyDeleteThese are the people whose mother you are- aur kya chahiye?
Don't beat me up:)
Male and female perceptions on many issues are just so different.
Buy yourself the flowers that you like, and don't be unhappy about this episode. Even the best guys aren't perfect: and neither are we!
CeeKay,
ReplyDeleteJust echoing the genl sentiment here - my husband dislikes the forced holidays intensely as well - and will buy flowers ONLY on other days! It doesn't bother me much, since I am usually the same way :-).
M
You are NOT making a mountain out of mole hill. In fact you are trying to make it look like a mole which is truly a mount Everest. It is a huge deal, and it sure should hurt. Especially when someone says" I was Busy" I always feel they are saying "You are not my top priority.. You come second" And its not the gift or the flowers or the cards its always the thoughts and emotions that went into it. A hand made card just like S or a poem, breakfast in bed,being treated like a queen the whole day.. its the thought that counts. We girls love that mushy stuff and we would be boohooing like a kid if someone put in some efforts to appreciate, applaud, accept, understand , recognize us. That's all. We don't ask for more.
ReplyDeleteMost Indian men also have this excuse that Mother's day, Father's day, valentine's day are just money making schemes for businesses. We don't believe in such stuff. We love you everyday so why the need to tell you with a card on that particular day? Well, my thought is we need to be told and made to feel that we are doing an excellent job of raising future citizens of society in the best possible way. That its all worth it. All the sleepless nights, the stress on the job, dealing with the outlaws,;)cookign, cleaning laundry etc etc.
Should we get even by not doing anything on Father's day .. no we can't. we won't because we think we will be breaking the tradition, and our kids need to see that we are good moms. (also it wouldn't bother our husbands one teeny bit)
Next time go and buy your self a diamond and say look what I got for Mother's day and guess what .. its from you.
Heheh just kidding.
Vinita
Sunita: :) And it worked too! J did get the message quicker this time. It is still a long way to where i want to be but its still a start!
ReplyDeleteSilentone: Ah! That is another argument I really don't get. What is wrong with celebrating people you love on special occasions? If you don't want to succumb to the Hallmark-Archies created marketing hype, fine. Don't get the cards or gifts. but then MAKE us a card, or write us a letter or just tell us how much we mean to you. Been meaning to write a post on this - maybe now I will. Thankfully J doesn't put this argument forth.
Dotthoughts: Good for BigGeek, I say!! I have been meaning ot splurge on flowers since a long time but we are in a serious corner-cutting mode these days. We never found out why the flowers stank. And I didn't take them back either - didn't have the time. I did trim the stems before putting them in the vase.
GND: I'll let J know about the -10000 points. I am sure he will be crushed :D
Mystic: BAH!! Why can't men be a little more demostrative?
Trishna: I wasn't even expecting a gift!! I told him no gifts this year and he extended it to mean no cards and flowers either. BAHBAHBAH!!!
Mad Momma: I know - J wouldn't realize that he didn't get a card either. As for flowers - this year I am hoping my garden will yield me some.
Shruti: :D Try it. Years ago (about 9 years ago, I think) J didn't get me any flowers on our anniversary. I told him if he forgot again, I'll go online and buy myself the biggest, most expensive bouquet I could find :D It did work for some time.
As for the cafeteria - no the one I wrote about it not the Taj "Maahaal" :P It is the Illy Cafe located on the 4th floor of the big white building at 800 Westchester ave. Drop me an email at gettingtherenow at gmail dot com the next time you are planning to come this side. We can get together for luch or a coffee. Or send me an email and I'd exchange phone numbers with you.
Amuser: Thanks for the tag - will do it soon.
Dipali: Yup - I agree that the girls are the ones that matter. but I have been feeling quite unappreciated lately (say, last 12 years??) No amount of reminding will make the man say any appreciative thing about me. EVER! I am not unhappy about this episode - I just wrote about it as a last ditch effort to get his attention. It does look like it worked - as soon as I got home on the day I posted this, he met me at the door and later even said sorry. He has been trying since then :P
Anonymous M: If J said openly that he hates these holidays maybe I wouldn't have had such a big issue. He was fine getting me flowers and cards before we got married. Why not now? As for the "forced" holidays, read my reply to Silentone. I don't want cards or flowers. i want appreciation. In fact if he wrote me a letter I'd cherish it more than a flower or a card. I want him to acknowledge that I am important to him.
Vinita: Thankyou!! My thoughts exactly! Love the "buy a diamond" idea. If J still doesn't remember, I might even try that!
Here's where I do agree with you- appreciation is so damn central to any relationship. Absolutely necessary. But he may try and show his appreciation in his own way- just try and recognise his way. I'm glad he got the message. Also, it's a strange male belief that getting married means its a declaration of love for the entire lifetime. This has to be dinned in- thodi thodi appreciation roz chahiye, like vitamins:)
ReplyDeleteWrote to you from my work email.. good chance it'll end up in junk.
ReplyDeleteI don't buy the 'too busy' excuse- if women used it, nothing would ever get done! But do the cards and flowers matter on the 'set' days? I honestly don't ever remember Mother's or Father's Day and have never gotten A a card till date even for a birthday( 14 years!)but we do stuff for each other's birthdays and the small things - like him doing the heating up of dinner every day or taking charge of the kids when I'm tired means so much more than a Hallmark-dictated day. I'll make chholey bhaturey for his birthday every year because he loves it, he'll lug back plants from our vacation...or buy me flowers when I'm upset about something at work...
ReplyDeleteI just read yr response to Dipali about lack of appreciation - that's a real issue and you need to take it up. Glad the post worked.