A good start,

this.


"The Obama Administration announced plans today to hold a Forum on Workplace Flexibility on March 31st at the White House. The President and First Lady will discuss the importance of creating workplace practices that allow America’s working men and women to meet the demands of their jobs without sacrificing the needs of their families." says a press release on the Whitehouse website. 


It is needless to say that a discussion on this is badly needed. That would be a start, not a solution. But to reach a solution, someone needs to start talking about the problem.


I am lucky enough that my current boss understands the need for urgent absences from work to deal with family matters like sickness of a child, among many others. I joined my current job on September 8th, 2009. In less than a month, S developed a severe reaction to antibiotics (Augmentin - from Amoxycilin family) that were prescribed to her to deal with a secondary infection she had developed on the site of an eczema rash. Due to some stupid decision form the doctor who was treating her at the time, the reaction got worse. As a result S spent more than two months suffering terribly from the rash. And I had to leave work on multiple occasions to go administer some medicine or to take her to the doctor's for an emergency visit. If my boss hadn't been sympathetic and understanding, I would definitely have lost the job. After all, my last job had taught me that taking time off for personal reasons, time that I had earned with my hard work, will go against me when it came to measuring performance.


It is no secret that I underwent IVF to conceive the second time. Infertility treatment is an aggressive regimen that requires money, emotional and mental strength and time. I needed to go to the clinic almost every other day for the numerous blood tests and ultrasound scans, which used to be generally scheduled first thing in the morning. But it meant I would be half hour to an hour late for work on those days. I wasn't looking for charity or to be let off easily but my boss at that time wouldn't agree to let me come i an hour late and work until an hour after my usual time on those days. Our offices stayed open till 7.30 pm so it would not have been a great problem for him to allow me to do so. Instead he made me take half a day off every time I needed such a procedure. As a result I had only 5 or so days of paid time off (out of 21) left by the end of September. On more than one occasion, I got a lecture from him on how it was better for him because his wife was home full time so he didn't have to worry about running off at odd times (even though he did!). And that if I had "so many family issues" I should choose between family and work. I should really decide which one is more important for me. I hope no one ever has to make that choice. And then I got an official memo from the HR to explain why I hadn't managed my paid time off properly.


After my maternity leave of three months was up I returned to work. My parents who had come to help me out with the baby left when she was about 7 months old. As soon as the baby started going to the daycare, she started coming down with back to back ear infections. That time was the toughest in our lives. I would often be called from the daycare to come pick her up because she was running a fever. My previous boss had left the company and the new boss was fairly understanding. But the company policies were still the same. I had to apply for special unpaid days given my circumstances. Half of those unpaid days could have been avoided if the company had just had a policy to let its employees work from home. I believe this also became one of the factors in the decision that the company later took to let me go even though I had more than proven my competency to handle the job.


My point behind this rambling is - no matter what kind of job you work in, life happens, emergencies happen. It doesn't have to be only kids. It could be aging parents. The employee's own, or spouse's, health. Usually an employer can find ways to make things a little easier for the employees but most times they don't. I believe making laws to mandate this kind of consideration might backfire in the long run. Instead starting a conversation to understand the issues might help generate, in businesses, the effort to find the balance between demanding efficiency and being considerate towards difficult circumstances that their employees are facing.


I and my husband both work full time. We both juggle our schedules to be able to take care of our kids. I have full support and cooperation of my husband when emergencies need to be dealt with. Even with his support, I sometimes find it difficult to keep all the balls in the air. Imagine how tough it must be for single parents or for those who don't have the convenience of flexible timings. This goes for anyone who is working, not only those who have kids. Many times efforts to create workplace flexibility are met with resistance because single people and those who don't have kids think that those who do (have kids) get off easy just because of that. I think workplace flexibility should be available to everyone because, you know, even people without kids can have emergencies. If you work, it doesn't (and shouldn't) mean that you cease to have life outside of it.

Amen!

S and I were working out in the yard last night, taking pictures and making a list of all the stuff that we lost when our basement flooded this weekend (another post on that later) when, somehow, the topic of old age (mine) came up. It happened this way:

S: You must be feeling really bad about losing all these cards and letters that you had saved.

Me: Meh. I figured I hadn't looked at them in the last 5 years so maybe it won't matter to me. I might miss them in my old age when I do have the time to sit and look through such things. But I sure hope that even in old age I will be active and busy enough not to have the time.

S (after a moment of silence): In your old age you will be living with ME. And my kids will keep you busy.

Me (melting into a mush): Awwww! I would LOVE to live with you! But what if your husband says no?

S: I will tell him you are MY mom and that you WILL live with me.

Me: What if he says he wants HIS mom to live with him?

S: We will get a bigger house.

Amen, my darling daughter. Amen!

Note: Later we clarified that "mom" meant BOTH her parents. "Mom" was just figure of speech :)

I still miss you,

I just don't talk so much about missing you any more. It has been 1 year, 5 months, a week and a day. It still hurts but the hurt is a part of me. I don't notice it most times.

I am watching "3 Idiots". I laugh at the jokes. Then I think how you would have loved the movie. I miss you.

I am taking a shower. I have the sniffles. I suddenly remember how you used to scold me for taking showers late at night and then falling sick. My tears blend with the water. I miss you.

I just spoke with a friend who just lost her mother. I am crying for her loss. Suddenly I remember MY loss - you. Now I am crying for my loss. I miss you.

I am entertaining guests at home. We are laughing and joking. Someone praises the rice pulao I have made and I remember how you used to make it much, much better. I miss you.

A friend is talking about the vacation she and her husband took with her parents. I remember how I had thought we would go on a tour of Europe together. I miss you.

I call Ma. My calls to her are twice as frequent and half as long. I miss you.

Another friend talks of her "Baba". I remember I had my "special" name for you - "Pa". Not papa. Not pappa. Pa. Nothing unique, but something I called you. I wish I could call you "Baba" - it sounds so much sweeter. I miss you.

I am driving home. I remember the pride with which I drove you and Ma around town when you both visited us for the first time. I miss you.

I am driving (again). I remember the first time you sat with me in your car while I was driving it. I was new at it. I remember how you didn't say a single discouraging word but clutched the door handle tight until we got home :) I miss you.

You know, Ma bought a new car. Sonu was there when she bought it and they both brought it home. On their way, they stopped at the temple. I know you would have too. Ma - the staunch Arya samaji, who never went to temples of her own accord. Not to worship anyway. Sonu, the staunch atheist. They went to the temple. They miss you too.

To my "Little Women"

Previously posted on Desicritics. org.


Dear M and S,

Yesterday was International Women's day. I wanted to write this for you then, but better (a day) late than never, right? 

You, my beautiful little ladies, are the reason your dad and I find each day worth living to our fullest. Before you came into our lives, we had no idea that we lacked something (or two special someones) in our lives. But now we cannot imagine not having you in our lives. I shudder at the thought of sending you to college. I will probably be the helicopter mom personified, literally hovering over your dormitories and classrooms. I have no qualms about embarrassing you, my darlings. See, that is what we are saving for - your respective therapies that will be needed just for the fact that you have been subjected to your dad and me :)

That apart, here is something I want you never to forget. You are going to grow up into beautiful, confident women. Your dad and I will make sure of that. The world and its uncle will try to tell you how a woman should behave, think, dress or live. Before they get to you, I want to imprint a few things on your minds.

1. You DON'T have to please everyone all the time. You DON'T have to please ANYONE at all, if you don't feel like it. Sure, nice people sometimes do some things for others that make them (others) feel good. I am all for such niceties. But remember - NEVER be forced into doing something, anything for someone if your heart, gut or mind says no. Listen to your "self". I am not condoning selfishness. I am just saying that do not give in to someone's "Good girls make sure their parents/husbands/boyfriends/friends/God/whoever are happy". Remember, a happy and contented self is much better than a happy anyone-else. But diplomacy sure does make life easier - remember that!

2. Stand up for yourself. Because no one else will, if you don't. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to. If you think what you are offering someone is reasonable and fair, it probably is. If they don't agree, negotiate. But DO. NOT. BE. BULLIED. INTO. SUBMISSION!! It is possible to be pleasant and yet stand your ground. At the same time, never be hesitant in unsheathing your claws when you have to. Sometimes you HAVE to show people what you are really made of in order for them to take you seriously.

3. Remember good men don't hit women. They don't terrorize women, humiliate them or coerce them into doing something they don't want to do. There are plenty of good men around. You DON'T have to settle for anyone less than "good". Not even for "good enough". It is better to spend life alone than to put up with an abuser just because "Good" didn't come along. Have the confidence to go on your way alone and I am sure you will find someone who is just right for you. Even if you don't, remember YOU are perfect for you! Remember how your dad loves and respects me. Always remember - you deserve such a partner too. Never settle for anything less.

4. Be financially independent. No matter how loving a husband/partner you have and even if you are well taken care of, make sure you have at least one UPDATED skill that can get you gainful employment whenever you need. You never know what curveball life will throw at you next year, next month or next moment. Be prepared. If you WANT to work, never let anyone tell you that good wives or mothers don't. Never let another person dictate whether or not you should work, or where for that matter. There is no blessing greater in this world than to be able to do what you want to do in life. And don't let any idealist tell you that working to "earn money" is inferior to any other goal. Don't let money be your be all, end all. But do make some money. You will realize a healthy bank balance brings along mental peace and allows you to focus on the more important things in life - like family. Don't undervalue money, but don't overvalue it either.

5. Take good care of yourselves. Take time out for yourself, no matter how crazy life is and no matter how many responsibilities you have. Even if you are with someone, make sure you take out time for YOU. Alone. Very important for your "self" AND for any relationship. Eat healthy, exercise, be active. Have some hobbies that take you outdoors and allow you to be physically active. Mental agility is good too. Try and strike the balance between the two.

6. Be cautious. In unknown locations, uncertain situations and around unknown people. ALWAYS be on your guard! Safety should be a habit, not a "hobby". I cannot stress this enough.

7. Learn everything there is to learn to survive AND to live comfortably. Learn what it takes to progress in your professional fields, learn to cook, to sew, to change a flat tire, change a light bulb, repair a fuse, fix a toilet. In short - anything that you might need to do one day. Or earn enough to be able to pay others to do all this for you. But I'd still say knowing how to do all these things is a good idea - then you will know if someone is trying to rip you off by charging, say, 50 bucks to fix a fuse.

8. Don't hold regrets and grudges. They poison minds, hearts and relationships. It is a difficult thing to learn. I am still learning it. But I hope you will do a better job of it than me. Talk things out. Don't let a little disagreement fester into a big one. Learn to apologize when it is your fault, but don't be apologetic all the time. Learn when to say "I understand you feel this way, but I think I am right".

9. Take a long time to make friends and even longer to end friendships. Remember it is hard to undo the hurt of a mean word or gesture. But also know when to let a relationship go. If it is preying on your mind and being, but going nowhere, you are probably best OUT of it than in.

10. Be competitive. Healthy competition builds character. Don't let the pacifists tell you that participation is good enough. Participation is good but winning, or trying to win, is better. I don't mean to tell you that your efforts are worthless if you don't win. What I mean to tell you is put in your 100% efforts and then some more. If you win, good, if not at least you know you tried your best.

11. Love each other unconditionally. A sister (sibling) is our first and ever lasting best friend. Sure you will have differences. Who doesn't? But learn to resolve those differences amicably. In the end, when your dad and I are gone, you will only have each other to lean on.

There! 11 things - one for each year that I have been a mother. There are many more things I want to tell you, teach you. More later!

M's midnight conversations

M is getting chattier by the minute. I believe she hasn't been quiet for even a minute (except when she is sleeping) for the last 4 days AT LEAST. If she is not chatting with us, she is singing or chanting something going around in circles around some coins she has arranged in some specific order on a stool. In short, there is always some sound emanating from her :P

It is tricky to adjust the heat in our house to perfect levels so sometimes the house gets a little too warm at night for comfort. At times like these, M wakes up and immediately starts singing, "reading" her book or, worse, chatting with us. This is how one of those conversations recently went:

M: Mamma, I reading book!! (We leave a book in her crib)

A very sleepy Mamma: Hmmmm

M: Mamma I like play Miss Colleen (Miss Colleen is one of her daycare providers)

A very sleepy Mamma: Hmmmm

M: Mamma, "hmmmm" nahi karo! (Don't say Hmmm)

Now awake mamma: Okay baby. You like playing with Miss Colleen? That's nice. Now go to sleep.

M: Dadda sleeping?

Mamma: Yes, dadda is sleeping baby. Now you go to sleep too.

M: Dadda, wake up!

Sleepy Dadda: Hmmmm

M: Dadda, "hmmm" nahi karo. Dadda, talk karo, dadda!! (Don't say Hmmm dadda. Talk dadda!)

.....

.....

SIGH!! We want to sleeeeeep!! We NEED sleep. Can someone come talk to her at night please, while we catch a shuteye? Pretty please?!!

Sare kuttey bhai-bhai?

Excuse my language! I think it is time I graduate this blog from being a PG rated one to a PG-13 rated blog at least. I wrote about the Ruchika Girhotra case some time ago. Though a big ruckus had been created over it something told me things were going to stay the same. I have been following the news on Rathore and even though the government is trying to create a show and dance about justice being served, I don't think anything significant or of consequence is being done. This piece of news caught my eye. The government will start the procedure of reducing Rathore's pension. This was reported on January 29th. Sounds promising, doesn't it? Well, to me it sounds like someone is dragging their posteriors in the hopes that this issue, like million others, will die down so that those in power can go around abusing power and position like before. This is just one news report on the matter. There are plenty others which show that nothing is actually being done. Except a song and a dance. Bleddy hypocrites!

What actually prompted the title of my post was this piece of news: Former DGP of Punjab police, KPS Gill thinks Rathore should not be stripped of his medals. He says in other countries, only those who have committed treason or are involved in international criminal activities are stripped of their medals. So this means "small" crimes like molesting a teenage girl and then driving her to suicide shouldn't carry such penalties? One needs to remember that this is the same KPS Gill who was convicted of sexual harassment of a senior female IAS officer. In this case, the victim was an educated lady who knew her rights and stood up for them. She might even have had some power, though not as much as Gill obviously. And even then, she was only able to get Gill a sentence of rigorous imprisonment of 3 months and a simple imprisonment of 2 months followed by 3 years of probation which was later reduced to just probation. I am sure strings must have been pulled to accomplish this. And it took 17 (!!!) years to accomplish this. Can you see why I am so doubtful anything will come of the Ruchika Girhotra case? 

On one of the articles someone has posted a comment saying since Rathore got the medal in 1985 and the molestation happened in 1990, the medal should not be taken away because it was for past performance. I think now that the molestation has come to light, the medal should be taken away keeping his "past performances" in view. What do you think, my 2.38 readers?

You know what? If something does happen in this case, and IF Rathore does get his just dues, I will eat my words right here on my blog. Until then I will maintain reservations about the big show being put up for the benefit of the gullible. And pin my hopes on youths like this one. Sad as it may seem, people who take law into their own hands seem to be our only hope.

Homosexuality - Are Heterosexuals Right In Being Righteous?

Note: Previously posted on Desicritcs.org

What I really, absolutely don't get is how or why people consider homosexuality 

1. immoral

2. unnatural

3. criminal 

Looking at it as a rational human being, I see two adults who love each other enough to want to spend their life together and, of course, have sexual relations with each other. They are not harming anyone. They are not imposing their views and choices on anyone. What they do in the confines of their homes is, and should be, none of our business. No one peeks into a heterosexual couple's bedroom to see what they are doing, do they? Then why do some people consider it their right to poke their noses into a homosexual couple's business?

Is it unnatural? If yes, how? People wouldn't do something, which obviously generates so much hate in many others, if it weren't somewhere a part of their nature, their being. I fail to understand what is so unnatural about feeling sexually attracted to another person of the same sex. It can happen. Who can understand exactly how a human mind works? Why do we like certain people enough to be ready to have sexual relations with them, while we wouldn't even imagine it with some others? If the opposite sex was the only thing that mattered in sexual relationships, there wouldn't be so many dating and match making sites out there, right? 

I have a lot to say on the topic but my words usually get lost in the outrage I feel when I see people being so intolerant about something that doesn't even affect them in any tangible or intangible way. Yes, some would say it weakens the moral fiber of our society. What moral fiber? The moral fiber that allows people to kill girl children just because they are girls? The same moral fiber that advises a victim of molestation to "be more careful" instead of punishing the perpetrator? Or the moral fiber that binds the society into inaction and silence when they see a woman being harassed on roads and other public places? Or maybe they mean the moral fiber that bound a certain class of people in the category of untouchables for generations? No, really. PLEASE explain it to me.

I read this article in The Times of India. This is the pits of civilization - people barging into other people's homes. Even if the door was open, it didn't mean an open invitation to come in and invade the privacy of the person living there. There are so many things wrong here. Students thinking they can play moral police. The University's administration even entertaining the students’ attempt to bring Dr. Siras' homosexuality to light. The administration questioning and suspending him. The local TV channel making "news" out of this. (Is this "news"?? I shudder at what's considered news these days. But that is material for another post). What saddens me the most is that Dr. Siras is leaving without disputing the administration's decision. I think he should have stood up to them, but then I have not lived his life. Who knows what else he had to undergo? The humiliation this incident alone must have generated must be crippling.  

Then I found a link to this article under the above mentioned article. Really? Decriminalizing homosexuality means (I quote) approval of "one more way of largescale sexual exploitation of children" ??! How does one make THAT leap of conclusion? I fail to understand. When I see such ignorant remarks my mind just stops functioning and I am reduced to a sputtering, blubbering mess.

In my opinion, unless the human race learns tolerance, it won't be progressing very far. People from different religions will kill each other, heterosexuals will kill the homosexuals, young will kill the old and countries will wipe out each other. Maybe we SHOULD let that happen. Then we can start from scratch and hope that the next "batch" of humans has more sense and tolerance.

Take the blinders off!!

Ever since I read this article in The Hindu , I have been itching to post my views on it. Or on the point of view expressed in it, to be more accurate. I found a link to this article on Indian HomeMaker's blog and she, as always, has written very well on it already. Normally, if I see someone else do such a great job of commenting on something (and if I know I cannot do a better job on it than them) I leave well enough alone. But this article just raised my hackles so much that I couldn't stop myself from commenting on it. Such a one-sided view of this issue is guaranteed to get a rise out of me every time. I wrote on this topic a little while ago as well here and here.  Do read Indian Home Maker's post too - it is more detailed and better composed.

Where do I begin? I have something to say to almost every line/ statement of the article. Some sentences start out on the right note then abruptly take the most absurd turn. 

Far too many people see things in only black or white. Pro-life means valuing life (I get that) but pro-choice means one WANTS to take lives?? Where does one get THAT interpretation from the word? Pro-choice means just that - someone who favors the option of giving a woman the choice instead of making the decision for her. Who says the woman WILL choose to take the life she is carrying? Maybe she will decide to keep the baby. At least the decision will be hers and she will be more at peace with what follows.

Similarly, the debate of Stay-at-home-mom vs. Work-out-of-home mom seems starkly black and white in some people's minds to me. Take the author of this article for example. She made the decision to stay at home after she had her kid. The decision worked out well for her. She enjoyed staying at home with the baby, did not have any considerable financial worries or ambitions in her prfessional field. I say "Good for her!!" But then to go on and bemoan the fact that women these days value career more than getting married or having kids just highlights the "holier than thou" attitude that many people advocating SAHMs sport. 

I don't disagree that there ARE many women out there who consider house work below their dignity just because they are "highly educated and/or working". They suffer from the same monochromatic view of the world, I think. What the proponents and opponents of working out/staying home forget is that as long as the working out of home or staying at home is THE WOMAN's choice, and as long as she makes sure her children are well cared for, it is NO ONE ELSE's business what she chooses to do!

Most mothers, who work out of home, do make sure their kids are well fed, well taken care of and get to spend time with them. NO ONE except the mother and her children, can determine how much time is good enough for them to spend together. Exceptions are there in every case. For every mom who stays at home and takes great care of her kids, I can point out one who doesn't. Similarly there are working mothers who take care of their kids and homes and there are working mothers who don't. Instead of blaming feminism, the ever-popular scapegoat, maybe we should try and understand that there are all kinds of people (and thereby, mothers) in this world. How they handle things (or don't) depends a lot on what kind of a person they are and less on a movement that started to get women their rightful place in the society.

This article offends my sensibilities at so many levels that the mind boggles. Take this part - "I get the feeling fertility is a disease. When the contraceptive pill was first introduced, it was a triumph for working women, a symbol of liberation. Women then were keen to get on it; today we know the side effects include “blood clots, diabetes, depression or anxious emotional states” and many women are keen to get off it." Now if one were to pause for a second and think - WHY were women so eager to get on the pill? Because they wanted control over their own fertility! How many times have we heard women complain they have to stay on the pill because their husband refuses to consider options like condoms or vasectomy? So the options for a woman are to beg her man to use condoms or be ready for a pregnancy she might not want? I'd rather be brainwashed by feminism, thank you!

The author left her job after she had a kid because, in her own words, "The juggling act between the home and the job would leave me exhausted and stressed." Did she consider asking her spouse to pitch in with the child care and house chores? That way they wouldn't have had to rely excessively on the maids for child care. Yes, it is good for a child to spend a big chunk of their time with a PARENT - who, quite not so obviously to many people, CAN be the dad as well. Even if she didn't, leaving the job was HER decision and I respect that. She is happy with her decision, more power to her! But other women don't necessarily have to follow her example. My husband shares child care duties and house chores with me equally. That is another way. A friend works full time, brings home a sizeable salary, her job provides health insurance for her family while her husband runs his business from home and is the primary care provider for their three daughters. Who is to say this arrangement is inferior to the other two arrangements? Who gets to decide what is a fair arrangement? The couple! And NO ONE ELSE! I don't judge others who don't follow what I do. And I don't get why others get their knickers in a twist when some women prefer to go out to work instead of staying at home, whatever their reasons be. I also don't get it when someone makes a "concession" for the mothers who work because they need the money. Money isn't the only motivational factor for finding employment. Many women work because they like their job. And I do believe every woman should at least have the qualifications and capability to be financially independent, even if she chooses not to work outside of home.

The article does not outright condemn the working mother. (Another term I have a bone to pick with. ALL mothers work, whether they stay at home or step out of it to earn a living). But the way the author pointedly asks "Are money, career, and power the only measure of success? Family, health, love and memories should count much more. Shouldn’t feminism mean greater power, freedom and, above all, greater happiness for women?" she is single-sidedly assuming that mothers who step out to earn a living (or peanuts, like me) are doing so BECAUSE they don't value family, health, love and memories. Who died and made her the queen of all such insights, is what I want to know! Yes, feminism means greater power and freedom for the women. Which, in turn, should bring greater happiness (and peace of mind) to the women. Now WHAT brings a woman that happiness and peace should be up to a woman to decide, right?!

How the tables were turned

I had been "training" M for two things since a long time. That training completed a couple of months ago when M finally learned to answer two questions:

Q: Who is the Drama Queen?
A: (patting herself) Ninni daama qeen!!

Q: Who is the boss?
A: Mamma bossh!!

I showed off a few times in front of friends by asking her these questions and having her answer them "correctly". Of course, J and S could not tolerate my success so they started a campaign of their own. They taught M to answer these questions as follows:

Q: Who is the Drama Queen?
A: Mamma daama qeen!!

Q: Who is the boss?
A: (patting herself) Ninni bossh!!

This generated much laughter and whooping around the house. Then I managed to turn the tables on them. It went this way:

J: Ninni, who is the drama queen?
Ninni: Mamma daama qeen!

Mamma: No, MY daama qeen!!
Ninni: No, MY daama qeen Ninni!!

J: No, no. Ninni who is the dramam queen? Say "Mamma"!
Mamma: No, MY drama queen!!

Ninni: NO, MY DAAMA QEEN NINNI! MAMMA BOSSH!!

Goes to show who really is the boss ;)

If I knew then what I know now

I would have

1. Ran away

2. Not agreed

3. Not said yes

4. Fought more

1.

I would have ran away and lived in a hostel instead of sucking it up at my uncle and aunt's. It wasn't only mental and emotional torture I went through at their hands. They successfully stopped my career from even taking off by stopping me from following promising opportunities that came my way. I can't blame them though - they only did what I allowed them to do.

2.

I wouldn't have agreed to J's "suggestions" of not getting a job anywhere away from my parents' home because he thought that would help us convince his parents to let us get married. His parents would have agreed no matter what because if he really did want to marry me, he would have stuck to his guns (which he did, BTW). I can't blame him because I did not put my foot down or think it through before agreeing.

3.

I would not have said "yes" to J's dad's condition that I won't work after getting married if I wanted to marry his son. As I said, if J wanted to marry me, he would have stuck to his guns and his parents would have had to agree anyway. I can't blame J's dad because I accepted the condition wholeheartedly. 

4.

I would have fought more with J to go back to study when things were simpler for us and we HAD the money to spare, however little. He thought other things were more important for us or that I should ask my company to pay for the courses I wanted to take. I couldn't make my company do it and then the time for it was gone. Now we don't have the time OR the money. I can't blame J for it though. I knew how important it was for me, J didn't. I should have fought more.

I am struggling heavily with all these demons from my past. Demons of MY bad decisions. Like I told J last night - it is MY life and I am responsible for my decisions. ALL my life I thought of others. Thought of how it would affect my parents if I ran away. Thought of how I should stand by J in trying to convince his parents. I should have had the sense to realize that if it took this much sacrifice from me to convince them, the decision WILL come back to haunt me some day. Why am I writing this down? So, one day, when (or IF) my daughters are ever in a similar situation where they need to make a life altering decision, they'd read this and think a bit more before deciding anything. I hope they grow up to have more sense and awareness than I did.

It probably is too late

but I'll write this anyway.

Happy Anniversary, dear hoosband. You and I have known each other for almost 20 years, loved each other for 19 and been married for 14. We have been through a lot together. Studies, boring lectures, interesting group discussions, tyrant uncles and aunts (well that one I went through alone but you were by my side holding me together), angry parents, controlling parents, financial troubles, secondary infertility, kids' health troubles... And we stood by each other through everything. I am sure we will weather anything life throws our way.

With you, life seems like a Foxtrot. Sometimes an easy pace, sometimes blurs by at a fast clip. But we keep pace with each other, swing together, never miss a beat. Of ocurse it took us a lot of hard work to find this rythm. But we couldn't have done it if you hadn't been willing. Now we are a team. I buckle, you lift me. You slow down, I fill in. Sometimes I don't even need to say what I am thinking because I already know you understand.

I often remember random incidents from the past and they bring a smile to my lips. Remember we rushed through the statistics paper (in 4th sem?) and then went to the "thadi" to have a "cut chai"? God, I HATED that chai. But I loved your company so I pretended to like it :) Remember the first time you bought me a rose? I do! Remember you gave that beggar kid an extra buck because he said "Bhagwan aapki jodi salamat rakhe"? And we weren't even dating then. It proves you had designs on me much before you let it on! :P Remember your first proposal? It broke my heart :( But I am SO GLAD that I made the right decision! I could never have found a better partner than you.

I think I can never say this enough - I love you. I love you like I have never loved anyone, ever. Happy (belated) anniversary dahlin'. Here's to many, MANY more. *clink*

Scary thought

I have had a recurrent dream in the past year or so. The uneasy feeling I got from it would stick with me even after I woke up. I only recently realized that it was an effect from that dream.

The dream was (is?) that I have final exams fast approaching - I get a sense that they are for my Bachelor's degree. And I suddenly realize that I haven't studied one paper of math AT ALL. It worries me but I try to convince myself that I will prepare for it well in time. And then I wake up. I feel relieved that it was all a dream.

Well, many of us have had that kind of dream some time or the other in our lives and I am well aware of what this kind of dream could mean. What scares me the most is - what if THIS is a dream, and THAT a reality??

Where does "control" figure in your parenting style?

Note: Previously posted on Desicritics


When I first became a parent, I thought I could control all aspects of bringing up my child. Her environment, her influences, her choices, likes and dislikes. Well, I knew I couldn't control her choices, likes and dislikes completely, but I sure hoped I could help shape them. Only thing is - I didn't think of this as "controlling behavior". I sincerely thought of it as "perfect parenting".


11 years down the line, I know one thing. There is no such thing as a "perfect parent". I have worked hard at keeping an open communication channel with my older daughter (the younger one is too young to "communicate") and through various conversations with her I have realized that, maybe, I went overboard in certain things. Things that, when I reconsider my approach, I could have held back on and gotten approximately the same results. In other words, I should have been more picky about choosing my (parenting) battles.


Good thing is - I realized it at all. Given that I have an ego the size of a mammoth, it hasn't been an easy task to realize and accept that I am not *gasp* The Perfect Parent!! I see parents around me who have gone through YEARS of parenting without realizing that the amount of control they want to exert on their kids' lives is not healthy. It is unhealthy for their relationship with their kids and it is probably unhealthy for their kids' self-esteem. Extreme control will, most probably, either make the kids complete pushovers or rebels. It will disrupt their ability to develop a balanced personality. There are very few who have, and will, overcome that kind of influence and go on to develop all-rounded, wholesome personalities.


I understand the need to control your child's environment, influences etc. when he/she is little. But I am a great believer of gradually letting go as the children grow older. My intolerance towards extreme parental control also arises from witnessing, firsthand, how some people try to control even their grown up, adult children. It is difficult to let go when you are not mentally prepared for it. I have seen what kind of bitterness that introduces in the relationship between the parents and children.

So, how much control is acceptable in your opinion?

Justice for Ruchika Petition

Justice for Ruchika Petition

This is an improvement

I wrote about Ruchika's Girhotra's case yesterday. It depressed the hell out of me, agitated me to a state of wordlessness and left me seething. Today I read this piece of news. The Law and Order machinery in India seems to have woken up finally and it looks like the guilty might get punished.

But what I am wondering about is - do they expect Rathore to just sit at home, waiting for them to come arrest him while they go around the world declaring their intentions of bringing him to justice?? Don't they expect him to run and hide? Or is that what they expect exactly? Should be really convenient for all parties concerned - the government gets to save face, Rathore escapes any serious punishment and Ruchika's family gets fucked once again. The skeptic in me always looks at the possibilities hidden in a situation.

I am sick

No, not only in the physical sense. I am sick. Like a dying dog. But THIS makes me sick to my stomach. I am ashamed to be from a country where women and girls are treated no better than cattle. I am afraid to R2I because I have two daughters and I do not want them to be touched by even the shadows of something like this. I do understand that such things don't happen as much any more. Or don't they? Maybe they still happen all the time all over the place. We just don't get to hear about them because they are squashed by the powerful or never uttered by the powerless.

I found it extremely hard to read the entire Wikipedia article. My gut started revolting, my skin started crawling almost halfway through it. I couldn't read any more. But I forced myself to read it. Please do follow the link I have provided above and read the entire article. Then come back and tell me - is there a solution to this??

I am copy-pasting the article from Wikipedia here too. Such blatant misuse of power, such shameless support of the guilty and such torture of the innocent! I feel like saying "It happens only in...." but I can't bring myself to say it because I know there are good things happening too. But the fact remains that India has a long way to go where fair treatment of the powerless, and fair justice TO the powerful is concerned. It is SICKENING!!

Here is the Wikipedia article:

Background

Ruchika, the daughter of SC Girhotra, a bank manager, was a student in Class X A (Batch of 1991) at Sacred Heart School for Girls in Chandigarh, and a budding tennis player. Her mother passed away when she was ten years old.^[3][4]

She, along with her friend Aradhana Parkash, was enrolled as a trainee at the Haryana Lawn Tennis Association (HLTA). A few young girls played in tennis court situated in Panchkula's Sector 6. ^[5]

Aradhana's parents Anand and Madhu Parkash fought the long legal battle for justice for Ruchika, attending over 400 hearings, after Ruchika's father and brother had to leave Panchkula due to harrasment. Advocates Pankaj Bhardwaj and Meet Malhotra fought the case for free since 1996.^[5]

Born in 1941 and a 1966-Batch IPS officer of the Haryana Cadre, Rathore was on deputation to Bhakhra Beas Management Board as Director, Vigilance and Security, when he molested Ruchika. He was the founding president of the Haryana Lawn Tennis Association and it's office was in the garage of his house, at 469, Sector-6, Panchkula. The house was then under construction. Rathore continues to reside there.^[6]

Rathore's wife Abha is an advocate. She defended his case from the beginning.^[5] She practises law in Panchkula and Chandigarh from her office in Sector 6, Panchkula.^[7] Ajay Jain was counsel for Rathore while the case was before courts in Ambala.^[8]

Rathore's daughter Priyanjali was Ruchika's classmate. She is now a practising lawyer.^[3] His son Rahul also practises law at the Punjab and Haryana High Court with Rahul Rathore Advocates.^[9]

[edit]Molestation

On August 11, 1990, Rathore visited Ruchika's house and met her father SC Girhotra. He told him that he should not send Ruchika abroad to Canada as the father planned, as she was a very promising player and that he would arrange special coaching for her. The senior cop also asked Girhotra to send Ruchika to his office the next day at 12 noon in connection with this.

On August 12 (Sunday), Ruchika, along with her friend Aradhana, went to play at the lawn tennis court and met Rathore in his office (in the garage of his house).

On seeing both of them, Rathore asked Aradhana to call the tennis coach (Mr.Thomas) to his room.

Aradhana left, and Rathore was alone with Ruchika. He immediately grabbed her hand and waist and pressed his body against hers. Ruchika tried to push him away, but he continued molesting her.^[10]

But Aradhana returned half way and witnessed what was going on. On seeing her, Rathore released Ruchika and fell back in his chair. He then asked Aradhana to go out of his room and personally bring the coach with her. When she refused, Rathore rebuked Aradhana loudly, asking her to bring the coach. He insisted that Ruchika stayed in his room, but she managed to run out.^[10]

Ruchika told Aradhana everything that happened. Both girls did not tell anybody at first. The next day, they did not go to play tennis. The following day, August 14, they did play till 6:30 pm. As they were leaving, the ball picker, Patloo, told them Rathore had called them to his office.^[10] It was then that Ruchika and Anuradha decided to tell their parents about the incident.

Following this, Panchkula residents, mostly parents of tennis players, gathered at the residence of Anand Prakash, father of Ruchika's friend Aradhana, and decided that some strong action must be taken by way of bringing up the matter with higher authorities.

They could not contact either CM Hukum Singh or Home Minister Sampat Singh, but met Home Secretary J K Duggal, who, on August 17, 1990, discussed the matter with the Home Minister and asked DGP Ram Rakshpal Singh to investigate.^[11][12]

Rathore allegedly paid some residents of Rajiv Colony (a slum) in Panchkula and also garnered the support of people from his community in Naraingarh, Ambala district. They staged dharnas outside the office and home of RR Singh.^[13]

On September 3, 1990, the inquiry report submitted by RR Singh to Home Secretary J K Duggal indicted Rathore.^[11] It recommended that an FIR be filed immediately against Rathore. Duggal forwarded the report to the Home Minister Sampat Singh, who failed to forward it to the Chief Minister for necessary action.^[14] The Home Secretary who replace Duggal never followed up on the report.^[14]

The report also revealed that an ex-MLA, Jagjeet Singh Tikka, organised a large group of men to shout slogans in front of Ruchika's house and harass her family.^[14] Rathore enjoyed the patronage of both the Hukam Singh and the Om Prakash Chautala governments. ^[15][16][17]

Instead of filing an FIR as recommended by the report, the government preferred departmental action, issuing a chargesheet against the accused on May 28, 1991. However, the legal remembrancer (who gives opinion to the government on legal issues) R K Nehru in his opinion in 1992 suggested that state government was not competent to issue the chargesheet, adding it would be quite legal and proper to get the FIR registered. Then, the CM Bhajan Lal's office had referred the case to chief secretary for advice. But nothing happened finally.^[11]

[edit]Harrasment

On September 20, 1990, two weeks after the inquiry indicted Rathore, Ruchika was expelled from her school, Sacred Heart School for Girls, in Sector 26, Chandigarh. Ruchika had studied there from Class I. The school actively plotted against Ruchika. The official reason for her expulsion was non-payment of fees. The school had actually refused to accept her fees. No notice was given to Ruchika for non-payment of fees, as is the school's normal procedure. The school's brochure states that non-payment of fees can only lead to being disallowed to take exams. It is not grounds for expulsion.^[18][19] A reason of alleged 'indiscipline' was also put forward by the school. This was later used by Rathore's lawyers to question Ruchika's character.

After her expulsion, Ruchika confined herself indoors. Whenever she went out she was followed and abused by Rathore's henchmen.^[20]

False cases of theft, murder and civil defamation were filed against Ruchika's father and her 10 year old brother Ashu. Five theft cases against Ashu were registered by Sub-Inspector Prem Dutt and one case by Assistant Sub-Inspector Sewa Singh.^[21] The cases were filed when KP Singh was the superintendent of police, Ambala. Singh is now the Inspector General of police in Haryana.^[14]

Cases were filed against Anand Parkash, his wife Madhu, and their minor daughter Aradhana.

Anand Parkash worked as Chief Engineer in the Haryana State Agriculture Marketing Board and had a spotless record until this incident. Rathore then instigated more than 20 complaints against him. He was suspended from his job for some time and demoted to Superintendent Engineer. He was eventually given premature retirement. He did, however, challenge the government orders and was given relief by the court and cleared of all the complaints.^[22][23]

Aradhana, who is the sole witness in the molestation case, had ten civil cases filed against her by Rathore. She received abusive and threatening calls for months until she got married and left for Australia.^[22] Pankaj Bhardwaj, the lawyer who took up Ruchika's case, was slapped with two court cases by Rathore -a defamation case and a case for compensation.^[22]

When Rathore was heading the vigilance team in the Haryana State Electricity Board (HSEB), he sent special teams from Bhiwani to raid houses of several of his complainants.^[22] Rathore also filed two cases against each of the journalists who had reported on the matter - one criminal and another civil - demanding compensation of Rs. 1 crore each.^[22]

On September 23 1993, Ruchika's then 13 year old brother, Ashu, was picked up in the market place near his house by police in plain clothes. They drove him in a jeep to the Crime Investigation Agency (CIA) Staff Office in Mansa Devi. There, he was tortured by Sub-Inspector Prem Dutt and Assistant Sub-Inspector Sewa Singh.^[21]

His hands were tied on his back and he was made to bend. His feet were tied with a weight. He was kept in this uncomfortable position for an extended period of time.^[20]

After some time, Rathore also arrived there. Ashu was then tortured further. A roller, referred to by the police as "Mussal', was rolled on his legs and thighs after four constables boarded the roller. ^{[24] [25]}

While still in illegal confinement, Ashu was taken to his house and beaten mercilessly in front of Ruchika by Rathore. Rathore then threatened her, saying that if she did not take back the complaint, her father, and then she herself, would face the same fate. ^[26][27] Ashu was paraded in handcuffs in his neighbourhood.^[28]

Ashu was picked up again on November 11, 1993. He was tortured again and was unable to walk due to the beatings. He was not given food or water for days at a stretch and was beaten mercilessly. He was repeatedly told to convince his sister to withdraw her complaint.^[28] He was allegedly forced to sign on blank papers, which were used by the police to show his "confessions" that he stole 11 cars.^[24] He would not be released until after his sister's suicide.^[24]

No charges were ever framed in any of these cases filed against Ashu.^[14]

The Panchkula Chief Judicial Magistrate exonerated Ashu in 1997, saying he had "no hesitation to pinpoint that nothing is on record to prima facie indict the accused" and that the disclosure statement made by the main accused, Gajinder Singh, was "just wastepaper".^[29]

Gajinder Singh, a resident of Bihar, had been arrested by the Panchkula Police for a car theft and police claimed he had named Ashu and Sandeep as his accomplices. Singh later absconded and has been named a proclaimed offender.^[30][29]

The Girhotra's one-kanal bungalow in Sector 6 Panchkula was forcibly sold to a lawyer working for Rathore.^[26] Ruchika's father was suspended from his job as bank manager, on charges of alleged corruption, after coercion from Rathore.^[22] They moved to the outskirts of Simla, and had to take up earth filling to make a living.^[31]

[edit]Suicide

On December 28, 1993, with her innocent brother still in jail, Ruchika consumed poison. She died the next day.

Perversely, Rathore threw a party that night to celebrate. ^[32]

Ruchika's father Subash was forced by the police to sign blank sheets of paper in order to take possession of Ruchika's body. The fact that his son Ashu was still in illegal police detention was also used to coerce him. The blank papers were later used by the police to establish that the family had accepted Ruchika's forged autopsy report. ^[33] The day Ruchika committed suicide, Ashu was unconscious in CIA lock-up. He had been stripped naked and beaten the previous night by drunk policemen. He was brought back to his house, still unconscious, after her last rites were over.^[25][24]

Rathore tried to hide the fact that Ruchika's death was suicide, since an FIR would need to be lodged. He doctored the inquest report, changing the cause of death to consumption of slimming pills. The police coerced Ruchika's nanny to pose as his mother and record a statement saying her "daughter" died from consuming medicines to reduce weight.^[4]

However, the doctors' report clearly said she had died after consuming a chloro-compound, used for insecticides.^[34]

In the inquest and the postmortem report, the name Ruchika was replaced with her nickname Ruby, and her father's name was changed to Subhash Chander Khatri.^[34] This was to ensure that anyone reading the report would not know it pertains to Ruchika.^[35]

The government closed the case filed against Rathore less than a week after her death.^[36]

Unable to bear the harassment, her family moved out of Chandigarh.^[2]

Just a few months later, Rathore was promoted to additional DGP in November 1994, when Bhajan Lal was chief minister. ^[17]

[edit]Case Dropped

In November 1994, Rathore was promoted. No action was taken on the inquiry report. Anand Parkash started trying to get copy of the report. After 3 years, he finally obtained it in 1997, and in November, moved the Punjab and Haryana High Court. On August 21, 1998, the High Court directed the CBI to conduct an inquiry.

In Oct 1999, the INLD government led by Om Prakash Chautala made Rathore the police chief (DGP) of the state.^[17] His name was even recommended for a President's Police Medal For Distinguished Service by the same government in November 1999.^[37] Birbal Das Dhalia, who as then Home Secretary, defended the decision, saying there was no chargesheet.^[38]

[edit]Ashu Case

Ashu's case had reached before the HC following suo motu cognizance taken of a media report highlighting his plight^[32], by justice Mehtab Singh Gill on December 12, 2000. The then chief justice had referred the matter before a division bench comprising justice N K Sodhi and justice N K Sood.^[34]

While deposing before the division bench, Ashu stated that he had undergone inhuman treatment at the instance of Rathore and the Panchkula police. This was his first statement since the family was forced to leave Panchkula. At the time of making the statement, the family was living in Sector-2, New Shimla.^[34]

On December 13, 2000, the division bench voiced support for compensation to Ashu for the harassment caused to him at the hands of Panchkula police. ^[30]

Rathore filed an affidavit in 2001 denying the allegations.^[20]

The HC then referred the inquiry to sessions judge Patiala. On September 3, 2002, Ashu detailed the torture he was put through to a Patiala Sessions Court.^[20][34]

But Rathore approached the Supreme Court and got the high court order quashed on technical grounds.^[25]

[edit]CBI Enquiry

On August 21, 1998, the Punjab and Haryana High Court directed the CBI to conduct an inquiry.

The High Court had ordered completion of investigation of the case and filing of chargesheet expeditiously, "preferably within six months".^[39]However, more than a year passed before the CBI filed a chargesheet.^[39]

On November 16, 2000, the CBI filed a charge sheet against Rathore.

Despite the CBI chargesheet, the Chautala government allowed Rathore to continue as police chief. ^[17]

The case was put to hearing in the CBI special court in Ambala from November 17. The hearings in Ambala would continue till May 2006.^[17]

The chargesheet was filed only under Section 354 (molestation). Abetment to suicide was inexplicably not included.^[39]

On October 8, 2001, counsel for Anand Parkash moved an application demanding the addition of abetment to suicide (306 of IPC) against Rathore. In a scathing judgment on October 23, 2001, Special CBI Judge Jagdev Singh Dhanjal demanded that the offence be added. In his 21-page judgement, the CBI Judge underlined witness statements, including those of Ruchika's father, Anand Parkash, friend Aradhana and others in adding Section 306 (abetment) of IPC against Rathore.^[40][41]

However, in February 2002, Justice K C Kathuria of the Punjab and Haryana High Court dismissed the CBI court's decision to register an FIR against Rathore for abetment to suicide, claiming the lack of a complaint regarding harassment. ^[30] Kathuria is now the President of the Haryana State Consumer Disputes Redressal Commission.

Incredibly, after filing the chargesheet in 2000, the CBI took 7 years to record evidence from 16 prosecution witnesses. On the other hand, the defence counsel took nine months to complete examination of 13 out of the total 17 witnesses.^[39]

Rathore tried to use his influence with the CBI. R M Singh, who was CBI Joint Director in 1998 and retired in 2001, said Rathore was tracking the case. Once the file arrived at Singh's desk, he started getting frequent visits to his office from Rathore. Rathore visited multiple times in 1998, trying to influence the CBI to clear him on all charges. Rathore had learnt that Singh was constructing a house in Gurgaon, and offered to provide building materials and other assistance. Singh also found out that Rathore had also approaced the Investigating Officer for the case, Rajesh Ranjan, CBI's Deputy Superintendent of Police. When he failed to influence the officers, Rathore had the case transferred. Rathore enjoyed access to all levels of the CBI since he was DGP.^[32][42]

Ruchika's was one of the few cases heard in three subordinate courts of three different states: Haryana, Punjab and Chandigarh - apart from one in high court and the Supreme Court as well. Around 15 applications were accepted in Punjab and Haryana High Court on behalf of Rathore, a strategy meant to delay the case.^[43]

For example, on January 23, 2006, Rathore moved an application demanding transfer of trial from Ambala CBI Special Magistrate Ritu Garg to any other court. The application was moved when evidence of only two prosecution witnesses was remaining. The grounds claimed was that Rathore knew Ritu's father and that Rathore's son Rahul was a friendly with Ritu.^[44] Surprisingly, the CBI didn't object. In his the reply filed in February 2006, S S Lakra, the then Additional Superintendent of Police, New Delhi, said he did not object to the transfer, allegedly so the case would "conclude expeditiously". The case was then transferred to Patiala.^[44] Again when the case was at the last stage, Rathore accused the then Special CBI Judge, Patiala, Rakesh Kumar Gupta of overawing the defence witnesses and scolding Rathore. This time also the CBI did not object to transferring of the case to Chandigarh.^[44]

Rathore also used other technical grounds like demanding that the trial be videographed to cause more delays. Ironically, he later claimed that the long delays were grounds for a reduced sentence.^[45]

On November 5, 2009, the case was transferred from the Ambala court to CBI Chandigarh. In December, the court closed all final arguments, gave its verdict and on December 21, special judge J.S. Sidhu^[46] pronounced a six-month jail sentence and a fine of Rs 1000 to Rathore.^[47] He was granted bail minutes after the sentencing, after furnishing a bail bond of Rs.10,000. Rathore also said he would appeal against the verdict.^[24]

[edit]Impact

The case was brought up for debate in Parliament. "After 19 years, the criminal has been found guilty but all he got as punishment was 6 months in prison. Within 10 minutes of conviction, he was out on bail. Is it not a shame for all of us?" asked CPI (M) leader Brinda Karat.^[48]

Former Haryana CM Om Prakash Chautala, when asked about the case, dismissed it as a "frivolous issue". It was during his rule that Rathore was promoted to police chief (DGP) for Haryana. After the public outcry over the case, Chautala backtracked and accused the courts and the ruling Congress Government in Haryana of "letting Rathore off with a light punishment."^[49] Ruchika's father has blamed Chautala for actively supporting Rathore as he harassed his family.^[50]

Aradhna Parkash has started a signature drive to reopen the case. The email address is 'joinaradhna4ruchika at gmail.com'.^[51]