Desperate times call for desperate measures

I have been feeling this urge to write a post - ANY post - but didn't have the energy to complete a couple of posts that I started because they need a deeper thought, which the current state of sleep deprivation is incapable of facilitating. So I picked up this tag from Meira's blog.

1. ) When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I know what I didn't want to be - a mom! I mean, I always assumed I would be, one day. But never "actively" looked forward to it! Until 12th grade, I wanted to become a neuro-surgeon. Something changed overnight towards the end of 12th grade and I decided to go into technology.

2.) What’s your favorite poem? (And if you don’t have one, why?)

Be The Best of Whatever You Are - by Douglas Malloch

AND

Leisure - by William Henry Davies

3.) Define “freedom.”

Freedom to be myself. 

4.) What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of your father?

I miss him.

5.) Do you owe an apology to anyone? Why?

Loads and loads of people from my past. Why? Because I was an insufferable bi*** in those days. Even my mom - for putting her through various heartaches by my thoughtless words.

6.) You’ve just been given a million dollars. You are not allowed to keep it or give it to anyone you know personally. What do you do with it and why?

Give some to American Heart Association because I lost my dad to a heart attack. Maybe my money will help in some research that will save someone else's dad.

Give some to the Red Cross. Pa had the heart attack waiting for blood that matched his blood group. They did find it but maybe he could have been saved if they had found the blood earlier and he could have had his surgery sooner. I know this won't bring him back but maybe someone else will get the blood they need, in time.

Give a whole lot to Kiran's "Pavement Schools" (scroll to the end of the page). I know this violates the rule about not giving it to someone you know personally, but to heck with it! It is MY money - I will do as I please with it. I believe she is doing a world of good with this one thing. With others too, but this one I admire and respect immensely.

7.) Japanese lore suggests that if you fold 1,000 paper cranes, your wish will come true. What would your wish be, and what would you be willing to do 1,000 times to get it?

Nothing. I have everything I need. I know how to live without my wants if I can't have them or afford them. Four years ago I would have said "for another baby". 

8.) If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year-old self, what three things would you tell yourself?

1. Don't be too tough on yourself. It wasn't your fault.
2. Be kinder with your words and actions.
3. People who are criticizing you right now are like pesky ants. Ignore them. Focus on your studies. Your knowledge will carry you through life - or at least make your passage easier.

9.) Tell us about your first kiss.

Gave me a bruised lip that I had to explain away as "bumped my face into the corner of a file folder HARD" :D

10.) What are the five best bands you’ve seen play live?

Ummmm.....

11.) What’s your superpower?

I know how to communicate with my preteen daughter :)

12.) What’s your greatest fear?

Of ending up an old, lonely, bitter woman.

13.) If you could take a train journey through any part of the world, where would you go?

Home.

14.) What’s the one food you feel like you couldn't live without? What’s the one food you’d rather die than put in your mouth?

There is no food I couldn't live without. Am already living without many foods I could easily find in India but can't find here.

I don't think I can EVER eat shrimps, lobsters, crabs or the food that they serve on "Fear Factor"!

15.) What was the worst job you ever had?

None. I have enjoyed all the jobs I have held so far. Even if they were stressful.

16.) Do you think it’s ever permissible to cheat?

No. There is no excuse for cheating. You are unhappy with your current partner? Separate and then marry/start dating someone else.

17.) Do something nice for someone today. Then tell us about what you did.

Called a user back to give him a reply to a question he had asked but I had forgotten to answer during our conversation. Help-desk doesn't do that, you know! :P

18.) Perhaps you’ve played this game. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse lets you have one free pass — one special man or woman who is so attractive and out of reach that if circumstances allowed it, your partner would allow you to sleep with that person. Most monogamous couples feel safe with the free pass rule as it’s more theoretical than practical. Sill, if your partner gave you a free pass, would you use it? On who? (Single people can use this prompt however they please.)

No. Would never use that pass. It is equivalent to cheating in my books.

19.) How do you feel about the name given to you at birth?

LOVE it!!

20.) Tell us everything you know about the day you were born.

NOTHING happened on that particular day (in 1970). Bah!! Oh, but I do know what happened on this day this year - I turned FOR-TEE!! I am SO gonna rock this decade, yeah!!

21.) In what ways have you become ‘green’ in the past few years? Do you think that it has made a difference?


I try to minimize the water wastage when I work in the kitchen, I turn off lights in empty rooms. I think it does make a difference, even if in a very small way. I don't leave my car running when I go to drop my kids off - you won't believe how many people do that! I am helping the bumble bee and butterfly population by maintaining a vegetable garden :D I TRY to use organic fertilizers and pesticides. I also conserve energy (mine) by trying not to yell at the kids or the husband for every small thing :D THAT definitely has made a HUGE difference.

22.) What’s the first thing you notice about a man when you meet him? A woman?

Man - His behavior towards his wife if he is married, girlfriend if he isn't and has one. Towards other people around him, including those who are serving him. His parenting style if he has kids.

Woman - about the same. Her behavior towards her husband if she is married, boyfriend if she isn't and has one. Towards other people around her including the ones who are serving her. Her parenting style if she has kids.

There!! Now tell me YOUR answers. Leave me a link here and I will come visit to read your post.

No really! What DO women want??

This is what the good folks at Blogadda were asking and wanted desi bloggers to answer. If you are a woman, you had to write about what you (or all women) want and if you are a man, you had to write about what you think they want (Hasn't that always been a problem though? People think they know what women want and expect women to act accordingly) I missed the boat on that one because I didn't feel my post was good enough to be submitted for the contest. But I think I will post it here on my blog because, really, my blog can take anything I throw at it :)

By the way, they have already declared the results and I love, LOVE the post that won the first prize. Do check it out. Seems my decision not to enter the contest was a wise one. I can't compete with that kind of genius :)

Here is how my post goes:

I am a woman and here is what I want (or have wanted at some point in my life). Many of these could be termed dreams because I don't believe people will get it even after we tell them what we want :P

1. Women want to be heard. Most people speak, think (or not) and never listen. Specially when it comes to their expectations of women. Heck, they don't even remember to ask a woman what she wants.

Oh, we treat our women as "devis".

No thank you. I'd rather you treat me as a human being. Do no impose devi-giri on me, do not tell me it is my strength that allows me to tolerate everything I go through. DO NOT put me on a pedestal for tolerating shit from you or anybody else. I don't want to compete with Laxmi, the goddess of wealth. I'd rather you treat me as an equal and let me work hard where ever I want to work, in which ever field I like, to bring home "Laxmi" just like my husband does, and be a contributing partner in our team. Even when (or if) I am not earning, I AM holding the fort at the home front so my husband can go out and make a living without having to worry about childcare or meals. I AM A CONTRIBUTING PARTNER REGARDLESS OF MY EARNING STATUS. I want people to understand that.

2. Women want to be treated with respect for their intelligence. Not feared. Not ridiculed. Not ignored. Respected. 

I lived in India when I was expecting my first child. On occasions my OB/GYN made me feel like a dumb dame by assuming/acting as if I didn't have the capacity to hear or understand what she had to say. Like when I was experiencing strong labor pains and was also bleeding heavily, and went to consult her (on my way to the hospital) - she turned to my brother in-law (who was with me) and told him why she thought the baby wasn't descending. She talked to him about the entire situation referring to me in the third person as if I were some vegetable they were considering buying or selling!! Even when she mentioned that I might require a C-section. My brother in-law is a doctor so, I agree, he should have been given the information so he could better help me. But I was there too!! She could easily have addressed both of us. 

3. Women want a chance, to make their own decisions, to follow their own dreams and instincts. Don't tell a girl that she should opt for Biology or literature because that will allow her to go into teaching which, in turn, will allow her to more flexibility to be home with her kids. She might want to become a car mechanic for all you know. Don't tell a woman to leave her job when she gets engaged or pregnant. Mention that she should leave her job and join cooking classes (or sewing or any other classes that teach "womanly" skills) at the risk of losing limb or life. Don't tell a woman to "get a job now that your kids are going to school full time". It should be her decision.

I would like to be an equal participant of all financial decisions made in the family. I would like to be the maker of my own decisions, not an "acceptor" of the decisions someone else makes for me.

4. And lastly, one particular woman wants a surprise birthday or anniversary party from her partner but, frankly, she doesn't think it even occurs to him :)

My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes: Tag

Starry tagged me. This is an interesting tag - originated at IndianHomeMaker's. Following are the rules:

Please list at least ten things you have ever wanted or done which your gender is not supposed to.

The tag is called ‘My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes’. And you must tag twelve blogging friends or else you will be cursed to wear blue clothes pants if you are a woman and pink shirts if you are a man – for next twelve years.

My sins? Aplenty! (I am cheating by combining a few into one point, but shhhh!! Let's not tell Starry!)

1. I enjoy going out alone and eating out *gasp* ALONE!! I love going out for lunch/dinner without J or the girls. I almost never go out alone for dinner but do it for lunch often. I wish I could live alone for a while. I am comfortable with solitude however I am not sure how long it will take for me to be alone and start hating it.

2. I do not enjoy wearing jewelry. Or lets say, I enjoy going without it. Right now I am wearing NO ITEMS OF JEWELRY. Not even a ring or ear-studs. Not even a chain. Suggest that I wear a chain, specially during summer, AT YOUR OWN PERIL!!! I doubt that this can be classified as jewelry! Growing up I was always wistful that I wasn't allowed to wear trousers and jeans. Now I wear them to my heart's content :) Even navy blue ones :D

3. I enjoy playing with gadgets. And I LOVE wielding a hammer!! I am the official manual-reader and instruction-follower in the family. J calls upon me to troubleshoot if he gets stuck assembling something. And the reason I don't assemble those things in the first place? I am usually busy with other things and that is not the fight I'd pick with J. There HAVE been times when we fought over who will assemble a piece of furniture :D But I'd rather maintain harmony than assemble furniture :D

4. I am good at troubleshooting PC/Printer/Other gadget issues. I am a darned good Network support technician/ Network Administrator, even if I say so myself. And so far, in my networking career, I have always been the only woman in whichever team I have been on. I was the only woman left in my Networking class (there were 3 of us in the beginning - the other two dropped out after the first sem).

5. I had/have guy friends. I hung out with boys in high school and even in college. I can get along well with men and women both, but relate better with men than with women. Even while discussing husband problems with girlfriends, I often recoil in shock to realize that I am more like their husbands (in attitude, not looks silly!) and not them.

6. I prefer doing physical, outdoorsy stuff to just sitting around chatting. That was the main reason I hung out with boys in high school. Girls usually sat around and told each other movie stories while boys would pick up a rock and start playing catch. I preferred the latter - even though it meant bloody, bruised hands.

7. I HATE asking for directions and help. 'nuff said! Plus I whistle. And I can out-burp or out-fart a man anyday :) I do feel slightly ashamed accepting the last bit because it is due to digestive problems that I do it, but it is what it is, right? Oh, and I LOVE potty humor! And encourage my daughters to indulge in it :D I also call a spade a spade. So, no "cutting the cheese" for me. It is a "fart" - plain and simple!

8. I hate Barbies, though I am not afraid of them anymore. Growing up I preferred throwing a tennis ball against a wall (or up in the air) and catching it, to playing with dolls. My brother took batter care of his dolls than I did. (Yep!! My dad bought dolls for BOTH of us once - and I love him for it! And love my mom for not saying even once that bro should not be playing with a doll.) I didn't do it while growing up, but now I LOVE math!! And I always loved science. And technology.

9. I don't paint my nails. Or moisturize. Am not afraid of turning 40 (which I do, in less than a month), or any other "ty". I don't care about what others say - if I am confident I am doing the right thing, I go ahead and do it. I don't look at the "Joneses" to decide how to decorate my house or bring up my children. I don't even read parenting books. Run away from them, actually :)

10. I love working outside of home. I don't feel guilty about leaving my kids at daycare/ after-school-childcare while I go to work. I take babies clinging to my legs in my stride. I would NOT give up working outside of home if I can help it. I have already said that I don't dabble in "mommy-guilt".

Edited to add:


11. I love riding motorcycles! I learnt to ride a scooter in 12th grade and motorcycle (Yamaha) in B.Sc. After that I never let an opportunity to ride/drive a motorcycle go by. In 1994, when I was working at a Computer Coaching/Software development institute, I once gave my scooter (Bajaj Super FE - anyone remember that?) for servicing. My boss gave me his Yamaha to take home for lunch that day. Boy, was that fun!! Two boys living across the street from us kept peeking out of their window to gape at a GIRL riding a MOTORCYCLE!! Oh, and I used to wear a full-mask helmet like this (mine was not errrr... as "colorful", but the shape and design was exactly like this. Mom still has it) and I believe I was one of THREE girls in the whole town who wore a helmet like that. Wish I had pictures :(

Oh, and did you know that up to 2 months ago the "Genderanalyzer" couldn't determine if my blog is written by a man or a woman? It said my blog was fairly "gender neutral". Now it says it is 62% feminine. Darnitt!! I liked the gender neutrality bit.

Tagging Kiran, Eve's lungs, Orbitbud, Mona, MayG, Itchy, Ro and my brother at DogJournals (even though I doubt that he will take this tag up, the lazy bum!) I also wanted to tag TBG, but he has already been tagged. I also tag Life Refactored. Pliss to spik up if you want to be tagged. Otherwise I will wear navy blue pants for 12 years to come. I just hope I don't have to wear the same navy blue pants for 12 years *shudder*.

Now, some funny/cute Hindi-speak

because it comes from the mouth of children who are growing up in an American environment speaking a language (English) that does not have many sounds that Hindi does. Since kids learn languages better at a younger age, it is a good idea to expose them to as many languages as possible (on a regular basis for them to be able to pick up the languages). But that also brings a drawback with it. Kids can learn the language but (I believe) they pick up the accent that they primarily hear.

For example, S and M both speak and understand Hindi but their exposure to spoken English is far more than that to spoken Hindi (8+ hours at school/daycare vs. 4-5 at home) Plus, once your ears become attuned to the sounds of one language you start "speaking" other languages in that language. At least that is what S does. So she has a hard time pronouncing Hindi words that have the composite sounds containing the "hh/th/gh" etc. sounds in them. Like "haathi" (elephant - हाथी ) becomes हाती. (haati)  घर (Ghar = house) is pronounced as गर (Gar = no meaning).

She also has problem saying the "ड़" sound which cannot be compared to ANY sound in English. So she pronounces that as "र" ("r"). "पापर" (पापड़), "दौर" (दौड़) and "बरा" (बड़ा) is how she says the words containing this sound. I have been trying to train her to say these words properly by having her repeat this sounds in rapid succession like "ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़" and she does say it correctly when I have her do this. But when it comes to speaking fluently, she reverts to the "English-y" accent.

I don't fret about this too much because I think she is doing great - at least she doesn't feel ashamed in speaking her mother tongue - unlike some kids I have seen in our friend circle.

Then there are some words that S mispronounced by replacing letters which resulted in some funny mistakes. I loved those and keep reminding her of those mistakes just to keep those memories alive. She once asked me if I could make some "मकोड़े" (Makodey = ants) for snacks when she actually wanted to eat "पकोड़े"  (Pakodey = a savory snack made by dipping assorted vegetables in a chickpea flour batter and deepfried) :D Once she complained that I make too much "कुत्तपम" (Kuttapam = not a word really but "kutta" means "dog" in Hindi). She was actually complaining about "उत्तपम" (Uttapam) :)

There are many other words that S mispronounces and to my ears they sound cute and funny and sweet - because she is at least making an effort. (I am looking forward to similarly hilarious times with M :D)

Pliss to not to spik to me like this

Another post for Sue's Red Marker Blogathon. I have already written one post for it.

My parents always insisted we speak as pure Hindi/ English as possible. Which meant not speaking like this: "I तो went there और उसने खाना भी cook नहीं किया था so I had to वघारो-fy the दाल myself, you know!"   We got raised eyebrows and mini-lectures for such language. We were taught to say it entirely in Hindi or in English. Such Hindlish business was not allowed in my parents' home.

So that IS my pet peeve for today. Agreed, Hindi has borrowed a lot of words from English and it is almost impossible to speak a sentence completely in Hindi without having to use a word from English. But still, use of words like "वघारो-fy" grates  on  my nerves.   It isn't too difficult to speak this sentence either in Hindi or English - one just needs to make up one's mind.

There are a lot of other incorrect usages of Hindi words that I feel like correcting but not with the same vehemence. Mainly because most times the speaker simply doesn't know that he/ she is speaking incorrectly. Interchanging the words "कृपा करके" or   "कृपया" with "कृपया कर के", for instance.   

The first two expressions essentially mean the same thing - "Kindly (followed by a request)" but the third expression is absolutely incorrect. 

कृपया = कृपा कर के

कृपया कर के = कृपा कर के कर के (redundancy)

Another mistake people make while speaking Hindi is in pronouncing the "ऋ" sound. 

It is pronounced as "ri" (with a short "ee" sound) and not as "ru" (with a short "roo" sound). So कृपया should be pronounced as "kri-pa-yaa" and not as "kru-pa-yaa".

I recently read this article that advocates simplifying spellings. My initial reaction was of strong disapproval but a couple of friends gave arguments that convinced me that simplifying spelling might actually be a good thing because it will make communication easier. I agree with that point but the purist in me still feels sad that things have come to this. Simplifying spelling is a good concept - trouble is, where will we stop? Will we stop at "becoz" or will we go further and simplify "friend" as "frend" and "friends" as "frendz"? Where will simplification of English end and standardization of SMSese (a "language" I abhor) begin? 

Pleading "Not Guilty"

Note: I had been planning this post for a long time but now seemed like a good time to post it because I came across the The Women's Web 'Mommy Guilt' Contest. Mommy Guilt is omnipresent, but it doesn't have to consume us!

I often joke that the only trips I take are the Guilt Trips that the states of being a mother, daughter, wife and friend induce. I am way too familiar with the feeling of guilt. The pensiveness, the tension. The nagging feeling that you are responsible for someone else's unhappiness or misfortune. Oddly tough, the guilt I suffer the least is Mommy Guilt. I guess I have been through too much to have already realized that NOTHING is under your control as a parent. 

I had no problem conceiving my first child. It seemed like we decided to have kids, started trying and Boom! I was pregnant. Well, not right away. It took us two tries because the first month we were so tired we fell asleep during the baby making process. (Yeah mom!! That's what happened and it IS funny so don't run away now. Read the entire post :P You too, bro! :D) Then, 3 years later, we decided to bring another child into this world and started trying. And kept trying. And trying. And trying. For four years. And then a bulb went "Ping!" in our brains! WE NEEDED HELP!! So then began the trips to Infertility specialists and clinics and various labs. And the Guilt Monster raised its ugly head - maybe I hadn't been taking good care of myself, maybe I was too fat, maybe I had waited too long and my biological clock was all ticked out. The nice specialists we met slowly, but surely debunked all my maybe's. Women heavier than me got pregnant all the time and the test results showed nothing was wrong with me or J. At 35, my biological clock was fine too. Ours was "Idiopathic Infertility". I define it as "A condition where idiots, who have already conceived once, fail to conceive". I have found that humor is great for dissipating guilt :D 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs later, M came along. Now I look at M and tell myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty any more!"

Working-Mommy-Guilt has been the easiest to deal with. I grew up watching my mom juggle a job with family and housework and saw how she did it all. She actually made it look easy and fun AND fulfilling. So I always knew where I stood in this regard. In the "want to work outside of home" camp. Thankfully, with flexi-time and the good (albeit expensive) childcare options available to us here, it has been manageable AND fulfilling so far. What could be wrong in providing my kids with a secure financial future AND providing them with a happy and content mom? I see no reason to feel guilty there.

I have already written about how I realized that, as a parent, I can't really control everything my child does (or goes through). AT the age of 5, S developed Alopecia Areata. For days, even months and probably years, I tried to find reasons to blame myself. Maybe I didn't give her proper nutrition. Maybe I stressed her out with my discipline or over-scheduled her. Or, maybe, I gave her defective genes. Maybe my house was not clean enough or I was too anal about the cleanliness. ANYTHING that would give me a reason why my daughter was suffering from such an emotionally traumatic condition. Unfortunately, all the doctors we met slowly and methodically destructed all my reasons. Alopecia does not have a known cause, they told me. Then they proceeded to prove it with the umpteen tests they ordered - each test came back normal. Nothing was wrong with my child - except that she had lost 99% of her hair. 

Those were tough days. J and I would sweep up bags full of S' hair from the carpet,  and the vacuum would still clog up and whine in rage with the hair still left behind on the carpet. We painstakingly gathered all the hair that WAS left on S' scalp and tried to cover her head with it so the bald patches wouldn't show. We tried not to discuss how torn we were, in front of S. To her we presented an optimistic facade - that everything will be alright. That she will get all her hair back one day soon and this would be a nightmare left behind, never to be remembered again. She did get her hair back, but the nightmare hasn't been forgotten. She still gets bald patches here and there on her scalp but it isn't as bad either - we no longer fill bags after bags with her hair. 

It used to break my heart to see her try to cover a bald spot or to have her request me to fill out her missing eyebrow with an eyeliner. It is becoming easier to see her figure out ways to hide those bald spots and still look stunning. No that is not my mommy-pride speaking. Her self-confidence makes her shine. I know she still struggles internally with the condition. Still curses it. Hates the way her newly grown hair sticks out from between the rest of the hair. It is a constant battle between her hair and the gel she applies to keep the stray strands down. But I also see a strong woman emerging from within her. A girl who has gone through, and is still struggling with, Alopecia Areata. A girl who, just last year, had an allergic reaction so bad it would have had a grown man howling and is still struggling with the newly developed allergies that she didn't have before now, is now turning into a confident, still kind and loving (despite all the struggle) woman who makes her parents proud each and every moment of their lives. A girl whose teachers write emails to her parents singing praises of how she is the most loving and polite student they have ever met. A girl whose teachers/ school administrators stop me in the school office to joke how they wishe she would get at least one B grade because it just isn't possible for anyone to get all A's. (And I can't tell you how proud that makes me because she got those A's WHILE she was struggling with her severe allergic reactions and outbreaks). She has been the answer to my mommy-guilt. I see her and I see how she has turned out despite all the hardships she has faced, and I say to myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty for THAT!"




Edited to add: This post was considered a "notable entry" in the contest here.

"I" of the storm

 Sue has started a Red Marker Blogathon which goes like this:

"If some word/phrase/idiom/spelling/syntax/punctuation incorrectly used drives you up the wall, blog about it.

The only rule is that you must explain what is wrong with the usage that it bothers you so and you must also explain the proper usage.
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You can blog about any language you like, there is no need to restrain yourselves to English.

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Please leave me your link as a comment at this post when you're done. Feel free to send me links of other participants you've noticed.

Pass the word, tag people you know who have opinions on this"

There are so many mistakes people make that irritate me. Yeah well - I am a cranky old hag. What will YOU do about it, HUH??! Many others have jumped in to utilize this opportunity to voice their irritation. I'll list a couple in this post. Then we'll see if my cranky old hag-gy mind can remember more.

The improper usage of "I" gets my goat. 

"The boss gave Shelley and I a tough task". 

That red marker up there does look ugly, isn't it? Well, I'll leave it there. Just as a reminder to SHAPE UP OR I WILL HOUND YOU WITH A RED MARKER!!! Phew! Yes, thank you. 

I think according to the rules I must clarify what's wrong with this usage. The simple rule is - when using "I" in a sentence like this, remove the other name/pronoun and see if the sentence still makes sense with "I". In this case "The boss gave I a tough task" - ummmmmm.... doesn't quite sound right to me! Don't use those I's indiscriminately people!! Now someone saying "John/My husband and I wish you a very happy New Year" is saying it correctly, so don't you go after them with the dreadful red marker!!!

Another thing that just sends me deeeeeep into the cranky, old hag-dom? The usage of the word "thingie" to describe anything that you cannot remember or do not know the name of. 

Like that... that thingie you use to describe a person or a thing, you know!

You mean an adjective? Oh THAT!!

Don't come and start sentences like "You know that round, flat thingie in your kitchen...?" The "round, flat thingie" must have a name. Is it a plate? a button? A pill? UFO? (Though what would it do in my kitchen is beyond me) Frisbee?? WHATTTT???????

Tell me the darned NAME or I will beat you to a pulp with that long, wooden, cylindrical-ish thingie I have in my kitchen! I call it a ROLLING PIN!!