Conversation startes

I recently got a friendship request on FB from a guy I studied with in high school. He also sent me a message. This:

"B K PAugust 2, 2010 at 6:57pm Subject: hi hi, b here. tum to moti ho gayi ho yaar.* bye, regards." (I have changed his name for privacy purposes) *Translation: You have grown fat, my friend!

So, no "How are you?" or "Where are you these days?". Instead a comment about a fact  that I am only too aware of. I mean, can you imagine anyone not being aware of their weight, be it under or over the normal range? How, or why is it acceptable to start a conversation with this gem - specially when you are getting back in touch with that person after 22 frigging years?Did you not grow up AT ALL during those 22 years to realize that this is NOT a polite thing to say? Well, he is not alone. I have had a fair share of such rude, nosy people.

Take the uncleji who came to express his condolences to us, 2 days after my dad passed away. I opened the door and the first comment out of his mouth was "Arrey, tum to bahut moti ho gayee ho?!" [Oh! You have grown so fat?!] Forget "I am so sorry for your loss" or "I hope he didn't suffer too long" or any such comment, however half hearted. Nope. His main concern was my weight. And his sister, who came with him, was concerned that I left my 1.5 year old daughter at home with my husband. Poor little girl - I should have brought her with me. And poor J! He had to take care of a toddler AND work full time -something I also do when J goes on business trips or trainings. But it is difficult for the men, you know! And you should NOT leave your kids behind. Usko to saath me laana tha (you should have brought at least her along). I bit my tongue to stop myself from asking her "And how is it YOUR business??"

An auntyji, who lives right across the street from my mom, uttered this when she first met me after I had M, my second daughter:

"Congratulations dear, on birth of your daughter! Don't worry, these days daughters are considered as good as sons". 2.5 years later, I still haven't recovered from the WTF-ness of that comment. I swear I was SMILING my broadest smile when I met her so there could have been NO mistake regarding how I felt about having two daughters. 

This is the same auntyji whose son came over to our house, long back - more than 20 years ago - to give some advise to my PARENTS. My parents were as old as HIS parents (just for perspective before I narrate his "advise"). He advised my parents not to send me to a co-ed college (I was planning to sign up for the Electronics-Math-Physics stream at the local science college which had opened its doors to girls only a few years ago) My dad, I believe, was not around. Only mom met him. She asked him his reasons (yeah, she is a MUCH nicer person than I am!) and he said "Ladkiyan bigad jati hain" [Girls get "spoiled" - yeah, girls are like milk or eggs or tomatoes in case you didn't know] My mom explained to him that girls get "spoiled" even when (and if) they are kept behind seven locked doors - if they so want. She said "We don't think keeping her behind locked doors - or sending her to an all-girls' college would help if she did want to fall into wrong company". She then thanked him for his concern and sent him away. Then she and Pa proceeded to help me fill out forms and go to the co-ed college. Later they helped me go to another co-ed college in another state. The concerned neighbor had probably given up hope on them ever seeing the light so he didn't try to talk them out of that! I don't know what he thought about me choosing my life partner while doing my Master's in Indore. I know for sure that he didn't try to talk my parents out of "allowing" me to marry the man of my choice. Oh, but others did! Just so you know :)

So, now back to what I was venting about. Rude people. Stupid people. People who have a serious I-don't-know-when-or-how-to-shut-up disorder. One of them told me, on more than one occasion, that I should try and lose weight. His friend's wife had! "Dunno what she did, but she stopped eating for a while and lost a lot of weight. Now she really looks very nice" - he said. Then one day he told me I really needed to learn how to keep my house clean. Why? Because the sink was full after we had all had a meal with two veggies and a daal plus a sweet dish. (I didn't have a dishwasher) And I think the counter was also cluttered with all the spices etc. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he is not one of the friends I regularly exchange pleasantries with through email and phone calls.

I even remember an old hag commenting "She is SO FAT and she is still having lactation problems?" after I had my first daughter. As these comments come back to me, I am amazed at how, ALL my life, I have been plagued with idiots. People commenting on my weight, people commenting on my inability to nurse my daughters, people commenting on my inability to conceive the second time around, people commenting on my complexion. An old female relative's reply to my "namaste" when we met after more than 3 years? "She is fairer now!!" Wow! Thank you!! My life's ambition has been fulfilled!

One uncleji said to me, when I showed him photos from my engagement "Ek baat to hai - ladka apni ladki se jyada achchha dikhta hai" [One thing is for sure - the boy looks way better than our girl (yours truly)] My reply was "Just goes to show who is smarter". He was left saying "he he he" for some time. But WHY should I have to defend myself? Or put someone else down to deflect the insult??

Because of these idiots, I suffered from a complex all my life. At 52 kgs I thought I was fat! Now, I regret at having lost all those years to those complexes when I could have enjoyed myself better. Thankfully I don't suffer from those now. I even tell people to take a hike every now and then. Suggest a scenic route that ends right above a beautiful lake full of sharks. And tell them to take a flying leap into that lake.

My reply to that "friend" on FB?

Cee Kay August 2 at 11:33am

Hmmmm...

And your point is??

You find me after, what, 22 years and that is all you could think of saying? Really?! Wow!! Good conversation skills! Way to go!!

I am DONE taking insults! No more Ms. Nice n Smiley.

Note: I am almost scared in asking this, because I know this might bring forth a barrage of unpleasant memories - but do share your experiences in the comments section. Let's cuss these idiots out and vent some anger and frustration in a safe, friendly environment :D

Worthy matters

Are housewives really "economically non-productive workers", just like beggars and prostitutes? At least that is what the govt. of India believes and that is, indeed, a belief supported and propagated by many, including many housewives. If you are not bringing in the money, you are non-productive. Doesn't matter even if you are doing everything else to keep your home running smoothly. That doesn't count! The sweat and blood you put into bringing your kids up doesn't count! The three thousand and nineteen things you juggle every single day don't count! Basically nothing counts even if you do everything except bring in the dough. Sadly, such is our society and such are our views.

I have struggled with this issue plenty - what is my worth? How important a part am I, of my family? I have been on both the sides and I still don't know for sure. J can do, and does everything for the kids and the house that I do, except cook. When I didn't have a job, I thought long and hard about how it would affect him if I were to die this instant. And I couldn't reach a conclusion. Now that I am back in the workforce, I still doubt my worth because I bring in less money than J does. To his credit, he has NEVER made me feel inferior on this account. (Oh heck, on ANY account!) It is all in MY mind. 

The best reassurance I ever got on this issue came from our financial advisor when he was helping us plan how much life-insurance we needed to buy for each of us. I assumed Jay's would be more because he earns more than I do, and I was right. I also assumed I didn't need any, or needed very little because I was bringing in peanuts (a 250 gm packet every month, to be very specific). He explained to me that my worth was hidden in everything else I did that J would need to pay to get done, if I were to say buh-bye to this world. I am telling you THAT was the biggest reassurance I have ever gotten.

So I ask the government of India - if a housewife were to pass away, leaving behind her husband and kids, and assuming that the husband wouldn't have ANY help from family or friends - what would he need to pay other people to do what his wife does? I think the answer would leave many people thinking hard!

I am not one to sing praises of the studies that deduce what the monetary worth of a housewife is because I feel it only superficially glorifies what a woman does. If it were to bring a concrete change to a society's mentality, I'd be all for it. But there IS something to be said for such studies because they do point out the one fact that we choose to ignore - A HOUSEWIFE IS AN EQUAL AND CONTRIBUTING PARTNER IN THE HOUSEHOLD!!

Note: Previously published on Desicritics. org

Desperate times call for desperate measures

I have been feeling this urge to write a post - ANY post - but didn't have the energy to complete a couple of posts that I started because they need a deeper thought, which the current state of sleep deprivation is incapable of facilitating. So I picked up this tag from Meira's blog.

1. ) When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I know what I didn't want to be - a mom! I mean, I always assumed I would be, one day. But never "actively" looked forward to it! Until 12th grade, I wanted to become a neuro-surgeon. Something changed overnight towards the end of 12th grade and I decided to go into technology.

2.) What’s your favorite poem? (And if you don’t have one, why?)

Be The Best of Whatever You Are - by Douglas Malloch

AND

Leisure - by William Henry Davies

3.) Define “freedom.”

Freedom to be myself. 

4.) What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of your father?

I miss him.

5.) Do you owe an apology to anyone? Why?

Loads and loads of people from my past. Why? Because I was an insufferable bi*** in those days. Even my mom - for putting her through various heartaches by my thoughtless words.

6.) You’ve just been given a million dollars. You are not allowed to keep it or give it to anyone you know personally. What do you do with it and why?

Give some to American Heart Association because I lost my dad to a heart attack. Maybe my money will help in some research that will save someone else's dad.

Give some to the Red Cross. Pa had the heart attack waiting for blood that matched his blood group. They did find it but maybe he could have been saved if they had found the blood earlier and he could have had his surgery sooner. I know this won't bring him back but maybe someone else will get the blood they need, in time.

Give a whole lot to Kiran's "Pavement Schools" (scroll to the end of the page). I know this violates the rule about not giving it to someone you know personally, but to heck with it! It is MY money - I will do as I please with it. I believe she is doing a world of good with this one thing. With others too, but this one I admire and respect immensely.

7.) Japanese lore suggests that if you fold 1,000 paper cranes, your wish will come true. What would your wish be, and what would you be willing to do 1,000 times to get it?

Nothing. I have everything I need. I know how to live without my wants if I can't have them or afford them. Four years ago I would have said "for another baby". 

8.) If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year-old self, what three things would you tell yourself?

1. Don't be too tough on yourself. It wasn't your fault.
2. Be kinder with your words and actions.
3. People who are criticizing you right now are like pesky ants. Ignore them. Focus on your studies. Your knowledge will carry you through life - or at least make your passage easier.

9.) Tell us about your first kiss.

Gave me a bruised lip that I had to explain away as "bumped my face into the corner of a file folder HARD" :D

10.) What are the five best bands you’ve seen play live?

Ummmm.....

11.) What’s your superpower?

I know how to communicate with my preteen daughter :)

12.) What’s your greatest fear?

Of ending up an old, lonely, bitter woman.

13.) If you could take a train journey through any part of the world, where would you go?

Home.

14.) What’s the one food you feel like you couldn't live without? What’s the one food you’d rather die than put in your mouth?

There is no food I couldn't live without. Am already living without many foods I could easily find in India but can't find here.

I don't think I can EVER eat shrimps, lobsters, crabs or the food that they serve on "Fear Factor"!

15.) What was the worst job you ever had?

None. I have enjoyed all the jobs I have held so far. Even if they were stressful.

16.) Do you think it’s ever permissible to cheat?

No. There is no excuse for cheating. You are unhappy with your current partner? Separate and then marry/start dating someone else.

17.) Do something nice for someone today. Then tell us about what you did.

Called a user back to give him a reply to a question he had asked but I had forgotten to answer during our conversation. Help-desk doesn't do that, you know! :P

18.) Perhaps you’ve played this game. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse lets you have one free pass — one special man or woman who is so attractive and out of reach that if circumstances allowed it, your partner would allow you to sleep with that person. Most monogamous couples feel safe with the free pass rule as it’s more theoretical than practical. Sill, if your partner gave you a free pass, would you use it? On who? (Single people can use this prompt however they please.)

No. Would never use that pass. It is equivalent to cheating in my books.

19.) How do you feel about the name given to you at birth?

LOVE it!!

20.) Tell us everything you know about the day you were born.

NOTHING happened on that particular day (in 1970). Bah!! Oh, but I do know what happened on this day this year - I turned FOR-TEE!! I am SO gonna rock this decade, yeah!!

21.) In what ways have you become ‘green’ in the past few years? Do you think that it has made a difference?


I try to minimize the water wastage when I work in the kitchen, I turn off lights in empty rooms. I think it does make a difference, even if in a very small way. I don't leave my car running when I go to drop my kids off - you won't believe how many people do that! I am helping the bumble bee and butterfly population by maintaining a vegetable garden :D I TRY to use organic fertilizers and pesticides. I also conserve energy (mine) by trying not to yell at the kids or the husband for every small thing :D THAT definitely has made a HUGE difference.

22.) What’s the first thing you notice about a man when you meet him? A woman?

Man - His behavior towards his wife if he is married, girlfriend if he isn't and has one. Towards other people around him, including those who are serving him. His parenting style if he has kids.

Woman - about the same. Her behavior towards her husband if she is married, boyfriend if she isn't and has one. Towards other people around her including the ones who are serving her. Her parenting style if she has kids.

There!! Now tell me YOUR answers. Leave me a link here and I will come visit to read your post.

No really! What DO women want??

This is what the good folks at Blogadda were asking and wanted desi bloggers to answer. If you are a woman, you had to write about what you (or all women) want and if you are a man, you had to write about what you think they want (Hasn't that always been a problem though? People think they know what women want and expect women to act accordingly) I missed the boat on that one because I didn't feel my post was good enough to be submitted for the contest. But I think I will post it here on my blog because, really, my blog can take anything I throw at it :)

By the way, they have already declared the results and I love, LOVE the post that won the first prize. Do check it out. Seems my decision not to enter the contest was a wise one. I can't compete with that kind of genius :)

Here is how my post goes:

I am a woman and here is what I want (or have wanted at some point in my life). Many of these could be termed dreams because I don't believe people will get it even after we tell them what we want :P

1. Women want to be heard. Most people speak, think (or not) and never listen. Specially when it comes to their expectations of women. Heck, they don't even remember to ask a woman what she wants.

Oh, we treat our women as "devis".

No thank you. I'd rather you treat me as a human being. Do no impose devi-giri on me, do not tell me it is my strength that allows me to tolerate everything I go through. DO NOT put me on a pedestal for tolerating shit from you or anybody else. I don't want to compete with Laxmi, the goddess of wealth. I'd rather you treat me as an equal and let me work hard where ever I want to work, in which ever field I like, to bring home "Laxmi" just like my husband does, and be a contributing partner in our team. Even when (or if) I am not earning, I AM holding the fort at the home front so my husband can go out and make a living without having to worry about childcare or meals. I AM A CONTRIBUTING PARTNER REGARDLESS OF MY EARNING STATUS. I want people to understand that.

2. Women want to be treated with respect for their intelligence. Not feared. Not ridiculed. Not ignored. Respected. 

I lived in India when I was expecting my first child. On occasions my OB/GYN made me feel like a dumb dame by assuming/acting as if I didn't have the capacity to hear or understand what she had to say. Like when I was experiencing strong labor pains and was also bleeding heavily, and went to consult her (on my way to the hospital) - she turned to my brother in-law (who was with me) and told him why she thought the baby wasn't descending. She talked to him about the entire situation referring to me in the third person as if I were some vegetable they were considering buying or selling!! Even when she mentioned that I might require a C-section. My brother in-law is a doctor so, I agree, he should have been given the information so he could better help me. But I was there too!! She could easily have addressed both of us. 

3. Women want a chance, to make their own decisions, to follow their own dreams and instincts. Don't tell a girl that she should opt for Biology or literature because that will allow her to go into teaching which, in turn, will allow her to more flexibility to be home with her kids. She might want to become a car mechanic for all you know. Don't tell a woman to leave her job when she gets engaged or pregnant. Mention that she should leave her job and join cooking classes (or sewing or any other classes that teach "womanly" skills) at the risk of losing limb or life. Don't tell a woman to "get a job now that your kids are going to school full time". It should be her decision.

I would like to be an equal participant of all financial decisions made in the family. I would like to be the maker of my own decisions, not an "acceptor" of the decisions someone else makes for me.

4. And lastly, one particular woman wants a surprise birthday or anniversary party from her partner but, frankly, she doesn't think it even occurs to him :)

My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes: Tag

Starry tagged me. This is an interesting tag - originated at IndianHomeMaker's. Following are the rules:

Please list at least ten things you have ever wanted or done which your gender is not supposed to.

The tag is called ‘My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes’. And you must tag twelve blogging friends or else you will be cursed to wear blue clothes pants if you are a woman and pink shirts if you are a man – for next twelve years.

My sins? Aplenty! (I am cheating by combining a few into one point, but shhhh!! Let's not tell Starry!)

1. I enjoy going out alone and eating out *gasp* ALONE!! I love going out for lunch/dinner without J or the girls. I almost never go out alone for dinner but do it for lunch often. I wish I could live alone for a while. I am comfortable with solitude however I am not sure how long it will take for me to be alone and start hating it.

2. I do not enjoy wearing jewelry. Or lets say, I enjoy going without it. Right now I am wearing NO ITEMS OF JEWELRY. Not even a ring or ear-studs. Not even a chain. Suggest that I wear a chain, specially during summer, AT YOUR OWN PERIL!!! I doubt that this can be classified as jewelry! Growing up I was always wistful that I wasn't allowed to wear trousers and jeans. Now I wear them to my heart's content :) Even navy blue ones :D

3. I enjoy playing with gadgets. And I LOVE wielding a hammer!! I am the official manual-reader and instruction-follower in the family. J calls upon me to troubleshoot if he gets stuck assembling something. And the reason I don't assemble those things in the first place? I am usually busy with other things and that is not the fight I'd pick with J. There HAVE been times when we fought over who will assemble a piece of furniture :D But I'd rather maintain harmony than assemble furniture :D

4. I am good at troubleshooting PC/Printer/Other gadget issues. I am a darned good Network support technician/ Network Administrator, even if I say so myself. And so far, in my networking career, I have always been the only woman in whichever team I have been on. I was the only woman left in my Networking class (there were 3 of us in the beginning - the other two dropped out after the first sem).

5. I had/have guy friends. I hung out with boys in high school and even in college. I can get along well with men and women both, but relate better with men than with women. Even while discussing husband problems with girlfriends, I often recoil in shock to realize that I am more like their husbands (in attitude, not looks silly!) and not them.

6. I prefer doing physical, outdoorsy stuff to just sitting around chatting. That was the main reason I hung out with boys in high school. Girls usually sat around and told each other movie stories while boys would pick up a rock and start playing catch. I preferred the latter - even though it meant bloody, bruised hands.

7. I HATE asking for directions and help. 'nuff said! Plus I whistle. And I can out-burp or out-fart a man anyday :) I do feel slightly ashamed accepting the last bit because it is due to digestive problems that I do it, but it is what it is, right? Oh, and I LOVE potty humor! And encourage my daughters to indulge in it :D I also call a spade a spade. So, no "cutting the cheese" for me. It is a "fart" - plain and simple!

8. I hate Barbies, though I am not afraid of them anymore. Growing up I preferred throwing a tennis ball against a wall (or up in the air) and catching it, to playing with dolls. My brother took batter care of his dolls than I did. (Yep!! My dad bought dolls for BOTH of us once - and I love him for it! And love my mom for not saying even once that bro should not be playing with a doll.) I didn't do it while growing up, but now I LOVE math!! And I always loved science. And technology.

9. I don't paint my nails. Or moisturize. Am not afraid of turning 40 (which I do, in less than a month), or any other "ty". I don't care about what others say - if I am confident I am doing the right thing, I go ahead and do it. I don't look at the "Joneses" to decide how to decorate my house or bring up my children. I don't even read parenting books. Run away from them, actually :)

10. I love working outside of home. I don't feel guilty about leaving my kids at daycare/ after-school-childcare while I go to work. I take babies clinging to my legs in my stride. I would NOT give up working outside of home if I can help it. I have already said that I don't dabble in "mommy-guilt".

Edited to add:


11. I love riding motorcycles! I learnt to ride a scooter in 12th grade and motorcycle (Yamaha) in B.Sc. After that I never let an opportunity to ride/drive a motorcycle go by. In 1994, when I was working at a Computer Coaching/Software development institute, I once gave my scooter (Bajaj Super FE - anyone remember that?) for servicing. My boss gave me his Yamaha to take home for lunch that day. Boy, was that fun!! Two boys living across the street from us kept peeking out of their window to gape at a GIRL riding a MOTORCYCLE!! Oh, and I used to wear a full-mask helmet like this (mine was not errrr... as "colorful", but the shape and design was exactly like this. Mom still has it) and I believe I was one of THREE girls in the whole town who wore a helmet like that. Wish I had pictures :(

Oh, and did you know that up to 2 months ago the "Genderanalyzer" couldn't determine if my blog is written by a man or a woman? It said my blog was fairly "gender neutral". Now it says it is 62% feminine. Darnitt!! I liked the gender neutrality bit.

Tagging Kiran, Eve's lungs, Orbitbud, Mona, MayG, Itchy, Ro and my brother at DogJournals (even though I doubt that he will take this tag up, the lazy bum!) I also wanted to tag TBG, but he has already been tagged. I also tag Life Refactored. Pliss to spik up if you want to be tagged. Otherwise I will wear navy blue pants for 12 years to come. I just hope I don't have to wear the same navy blue pants for 12 years *shudder*.