Being an advocate for your child

Kiran of KarmicKids came up with the idea ofdedicating March as a "Learning Disabilities Month" in our little corner of the blogworld. I already wrote about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), how it is related to Learning Disabilities and how it is different from them. This post is on how we can help our kids by being their advocates.

Disclaimer: I have put together these posts with help of online research. I am NOT an expert on the matter. These are just my personal views. If you have any concerns that your child might have a learning disorder, please voice them to your child's doctor immediately.

When S was little, she had run ins with a few kids who would bully her. I was too timid at that time to correct the bullies because I thought disciplining other people's kids was not my job or my place. And I sincerely believed that all parents wanted their kids to behave well and so they would stop their kids from bullying others. What a fool I was!! Over time, and with experience, I have learned that is not always the case. I have to discipline other people's kids if they hurt my child and if their own parents are turning a blind eye. I owe it to my kids. If I won't protect them, then who would? And not all parents are as obsessed with good behavior as I am.

I have had a few arguments over this topic with a few friends. One says it is her job to step in to negotiate/manage a situation whenever her child is being bullied/picked on. A few others say they totally believe in teaching their kid to hit back when he/she is bullied. Now I don't agree with any of them. I don't disagree completely either. It is my job to step in until my child is old enough to learn to stand up for herself. And it is my job to help my child learn how to resolve such situations without being mean or nasty. That, I think, is a good life skill to have. And I definitely think every child should know self-defence for extreme situations. I certainly do not think it is appropriate of me to tell my child to hit back everytime she is hit or bulllied. I think that should be reserved for when everything else fails.

I have learned one thing as a mom. That a parent is the only advocate a child has. Everywhere. On the playground. At a party where another kid is subtly picking up on her and the parents of that kid are studiously ignoring their child's behavior. At school.

All of us know that if our child is ever diagnosed to have learning disabilities, he/she will need our staunch support to get through school. All the support we can give him/her, all our understanding and love. All our patience. All our courage - in defending him from well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning teachers. And surprising as it may sound, even if our kid is among the top five in the class, he/she still needs us to be their advocate. I learned that the hard way. And I mean to share my experience here just in case it might help someone else. I will also share a few resources about being an advocate for a child with learning disabilities.

S has always been good at academics. We have always gotten glowing reviews from her teachers, right from pre-school. She has always been ahead of her grade level in reading, writing and math. So one would think that a teacher would recognize that intelligence and recommend her for an advanced program if she qualified, right? Wrong! S' school has an Academically Talented program for kids who are ahead of the rest of the class. I always thought she would get recommended if she was good enough for the program and if she didn't that would mean she doesn't really qualify. That is why I never really worried that she never got a recommendation. But in fourth grade, her teacher raved about how S should be in the AT program and how she didn't understand why she wasn't in it when so many other kids who were, didn't really deserve to be in there. She assured us that she will recommend S when the time came. The time came and went. I assumed in good faith that the teacher will keep her word. She didn't. Then, very conveniently, shrugged it off saying "The deadline is gone". That is when I realized that even if my child is a 120% eligible for something I cannot depend on someone else to help her get it unless I become her vocal and alert advocate. I mean, why would the teacher go out of her way and create more paperwork for herself by recommending a child whose parent doesn't bother to hound her? That was a big lesson learnt. I am sure M is going to benefit more because by the time she gets to kindergarten I will be a pro at this advocacy thing :P

A child with learning disabilities needs an advocate more than anyone else. Teachers and caretakers would just as easily recommend the child be pumped full of drugs to make him/her more manageable instead of putting in time and effort to manage his behavior. I am sorry for this harsh judgment because I know there are still many dedicated teachers and caretakers out there who wouldn't take this route. But it is because of those who take the easy way out instead of working with the child that I have formed this opinion.

As this article mentions it isn't always with malicious reasons that your child may be deprived of the help and support he/she needs. It may be because there aren't enough resources or maybe he/she fell through the cracks because the teacher was overwhelmed with other high-maintenance kids. We have to make sure that our child gets the help he/she needs when it is required. No matter how many times we have to send that reminder, no matter that we have to make a pest of ourselves in front of school administration by insisting our child be evaluated/helped a zillion times, no matter what else.

Another thing I have learnt in the past few years is assertiveness. Assertiveness is a quality one needs in HUGE doses to be an advocate to one's kids. Again, I learnt this from personal experience. Here is an article that talks about how to be assertive. I think this can help ANYBODY, whether or not they have children with LDs. Assertiveness is a good quality to have in any situation.

And finally, here is another article that talks about why we need to be advocates for our kids and how we can do it.